18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

[MumbleAlwaysMumble]

@Magda72

@MumbleAlwaysMumble where in the title has op mentioned the word issue?

its the word ‘STILL’ that makes me think it’s an issue for the OP.

If it had been just 18yo and dsc comes EOW plus hols, then it would have been different.

[MumbleAlwaysMumble]

This is what I want to avoid here with the 19 year old as i know SD felt very pushed out and now wants no relationship (whole other thread)

Thats a lovely thought @mommabear2386 . And I agree that, depending on how things are handled, dsc might well feel pushed out.

Have you tried to talk to them to find out what they think about the room sharing etc…?
And what does your DH think about it all?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

Do you have any high ceilings? @mommabear2386

Mezzanine beds, pulley systems (like for laundry racks) for getting stuff up high and out of the way...

[SpaceshiptoMars]

This is a picture of a mezzanine floor in a garage.

[uneffingbelievable]

OP - I remember your previous post regarding yourstep daughter and the situation in the other house is quite brutal in terms of EQ, particularly from the mother and SF This is not a scenario that the 18 yr old gets booted and has an alternative because the other home situation is not great.
May be some of his emotional immaturity and insecurity, does come from the home situation and seeing what has happened to their sister.

i get SD moving in has scuppered plans but absolutely the right thing to do for her.

Time for a conversation with the two older boys and say - DS will be in the room- this is the reality. How do we make this work?

With their other home set up and events - am sure they will realise things have to be different and having seen what has happened to their sister, they actually do not want to lose this stability in your home. Am sure this is factor in him not wanting to live away - base at mums gone, base at Dads gone - very unsettling for him.

[mommabear2386]

@uneffingbelievable thanks for reading the other post, you know what we haven't mentioned anything to the older boy or the younger one at all in terms of rooms. Perhaps because as you've said I don't want them to think they same thing is happening and we are cutting them out but they are decent kids and if I explain about my sons needs now with school they will probably have better ideas than me and be happy with another solution. I'll bring it up with them Saturday when they are here.

I definitely want it to be a shared room still so the high ceiling / triple bunk might also work and like someone else said it's good for sleepovers later too.

For those that of said would I expect my son to move out at 19 of course not I just really assumed he would prefer having a base to sleep and coming here more often on the days etc but @uneffingbelievable again a good point that I know mums house with SF can be a bit full on so maybe even at 19 we are still a bolt hole for him even though he is really close to mum and they do get on with SF a hell of a lot more than DSD did they still might want a break from the constant strict ness and we are definitely that

[Breakfastclunreject]

I think you are addressing this logically. It never ceases to surprise me the amount of people on here who seem to think once someone hits 18 they should fuck off out of it and not burden their parents any more.

you clearly provide a warm and welcoming home, he splits his time between both parents, he clearly has a good relationship with you and his father, so let it be, just sort the bedding out. The message of oh you’re 19 here’s a blow up bed, our son comes first now is going to damage irreparably. For your husband, they are all his children.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

It's mostly people with very young children who will probably eat their words when their own kids get older.

[aSofaNearYou]

The POV of someone with young children is as valid a perspective here as those that haven't had a young child in 15 odd years, as there's also a young child's needs being considered here. Conversely, it never fails to amaze me how many people with older children come on to say small children don't need much of anything as they are too young to mind anything. Equally out of touch imo.

In any case, I don't think anybody really thinks an 18 year old SHOULD fuck off as soon as possible if the need is not there. We simply think that if the choice is between a young dependent child not having a bedroom and a young adult who, despite the fact some don't, CAN move out and live elsewhere, then it needs to be them. This is just reality for lots of families with lower incomes and multiple children. MN is a very middle class place.

[Youseethethingis1]

Exactly, if push absolutely came to shove most people will see that they need to put their 4 year old ahead of their 19 year old. Especially when that 4 year old has been doing ALL of the compromising for his whole life so far.
That's not the same thing as saying at the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthdays DC should be banished from the family home because Rules.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

The message of oh you’re 19 here’s a blow up bed, our son comes first now is going to damage irreparably. For your husband, they are all his children.

what about the message to the 4 year old who has had to share his parents’ room
all his life? What does this say to him about his importance. His place in the family?

What if the 19 year old is still there when he’s 6, 9…?

They are all just children (although one is a stepchild to him technically) but the available space is what it is.

A 19 year old can very easily understand the context for the camp bed. Surely he should care about his youngest sibling.

and this is from someone with a 22 year old.

[ginnybag]

Fwiw, OP, I left home at the same age for uni and deliberately didn't go back home except for the odd night here and there precisely because I knew there wasn't really space.

My half siblings are 10 and 11 years younger than me, there were only 2 bedrooms and they needed the room more.

And I didn't have another room anywhere else. I just had to make it work, and without any financial support from home, either.

I did, and it was fine. In fact, it honestly probably did me good.

You may find your stepson is actually aware of the problem, and understands. One way or another, though, you aren't being at all unreasonable. The permanently resident children need to take priority for space over an adult with alternatives.