18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

Even if he'd gone to uni he'd have been home a month at Christmas, 2-4 weeks at Easter and 10 -12 weeks for summer plus reading week so that's neither here nor there in your plans.

The people suggesting moving out to a flat/ house share- I doubt very much they've e looked into rents at the moment!

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

When I was at uni, lots of people didn't go home much - the foreign students not at all, sometimes. They got jobs locally and stayed put in their flats, or found live-in jobs elsewhere. Some did inter-rail, some got placements related to their degrees or worked in factories abroad to pick up a language. If you spent all summer with Mummy and Daddy, eyebrows were raised!

The room cannot hold three beds with bunk and single as it's a odd shaped too so would leave no floor space.
Thank you for a the comments saying my son needs a proper bed and room i do really agree so I guess I'll have to talk to his dad about his thoughts .

For context mums house has 4 beds so the 19 & 15 share a large loft space which has enough room for them both with own beds and set up tvs etc so it is better there than the room here I guess for them

I mean all three step children have been very well cared for and we purposely waiting to have an ours baby for 5 years until they were older so they have been our sole focus for a long time and had a lot of benefits.

Yes I possible was naive in thinking the older boy would be staying less but I also didn't envisage the 16 year old girl moving on permanently so it's all been a bit up and down there is no set rules and plans to life I guess!

He's more than welcome It's not about wanting him round less it just becomes a matter of priority. Like they have been a sole priority for us but now I have to allow my son the same and put his needs first.

We didn't make them share with a toddler because we didn't want to make it too strict it terms of bedtime etc and we didn't want them to feel pushed out.
Our room is possible slightly larger but again has fitted wardrobes so floor space would be an issue for bunks and one single.

He has two years at uni left them he will be on a full time job and I know he wants his own space and he is on track to get a very good job with his studies and grades etc.

I would just have 4 year old on bottom bunk and in with you when brothers are there.
FWIW I stopped sleeping at my dads from 15 but my sisters still sleep over now and they are 22, they actually have more of a social life than I did but I preferred my normal room.

Who needs a bed and routine
The 4 yr old and the dd as she's doing exams.
The sc will have to put up with the top bunk and a trundle?
But I wouldn't kick my ds out every time the ss come

It does seem extraordinary that they prefer your small house to the custom built space for them at Mum's. You clearly have the edge in terms of location/food/ house rules! Back-handed compliment, really, but brings its own share of problems.

Can you carve another room out of the hall or landing with the B&Q room dividers? Put loads of stuff in store to free up space?

Where's the Room of Requirement when you need it?

The people suggesting moving out to a flat/ house share- I doubt very much they've e looked into rents at the moment!
@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor my exh & I are currently quite strapped in assisting our uni going son stay in his rented accommodation in his uni town. He has a summer job but it doesn't cover all his rent.
We are doing this because him being physically & emotionally independent from us, working, & having a summer with his housemates is FAR better for him than him moving back home under mum or dad's wing. That's our responsibility as parents - helping him to launch, not regressing him to save ourselves money!

Other students are doing it though. They aren't all staying with their parents.

Things have changed with uni and life after uni. Many students come back home now after uni rather than renting/buying/house share. Mainly due to housing costs. I bet more students choose their local uni due to accommodation costs and the fact that for most students their loan won't cover the costs of rent never mind food etc Put loans and cost of renting after uni together, creates a bit of a perfect storm and the age of young people leaving home has risen.

Also factor in the fact uni life has been very different for the last 2 years

I think we're all aware that more kids are staying with their parents through uni these days, but that doesn't mean they all are or that it's the only option available.

It also has no bearing really on the reality of a situation where a young adult has two rooms at present, and in one of those households there isn't enough space for the younger kids to sleep. Practical decisions need to be made and he's old enough to understand them. It's not like he even has to rent.

Yes but many are not and are enjoying the freedom and privacy and high life away from their parents. Or indeed have gone NC with their parents.

I think it’s not ok to displace the 4 year old every time his eldest half brother decides he wants to stay. That’s sending a very clear message to him that he isn’t worthy of his own bed. He just gets to use his brother’s if he doesn’t want it.

Much better to tell the older boys that there is a top bunk they can use. If they both choose to stay at the same time, the eldest can take the sofa. But the bottom bunk is the 4 year old’s bed and he will be sleeping in it from now on.

Tbh, I cannot help but conclude that several people on this thread just believe the young man is more important than the 4 year old because he was there first and is a child of the first family.

Thats a horrible attitude. And it can be the only reason why people are so insistent that a 19 year old needs a dedicated bed in two houses and a 4 (5, 6, 7… when does it stop?) year old doesn’t require his own bed anywhere.

They are both existing children. But the small child with only one home has greater needs here.

This is a situation where the Harry Potter bedroom under the stairs begins to look viable!

I think some posters on MN think that children of second families should always be kept in the cupboard under the stairs, as befits their second class status.

I think other posters think the children from the first family are second class citizens, when surely each parent should treat them as equally as possible. I think it's quite nice that the DS wants to still spend time with his dad.

Some people may have never seen their dad's house as home but I assume the DS does see both houses as home, as he still likes staying there

I think there is quite a pervasive attitude on MN that older children I'm general are simply more important than younger children (even when the older one's are adults). Add in a step dynamic and that mentality just gets stronger!

Store a mattress under the bunk bed and pull it out when all 3 boys are there? Your DS can have the lower bunk?

It IS nice, but it isn't practical.

Younger children need that space as a priority.

Equality is not sameness.

here you have SSs who have dedicated beds and a room in two houses, and a 4 year old who has to share with his parents. He’s got no bedroom that’s his anywhere. Equality would be them all having a room and own bed somewhere. The youngest has one home, so the bottom bunk should be his permanently. The older two have beds and a room in one house already. So they can share the use of the top bunk and sofa in this one.

Even more so when you consider their ages and the fact one is finished his first year at university at this point.

you need to look at it in the round.

Ask the 19 year old what he thinks is fair?

If there is no practical solution to the beds, I would be asking the 19yr old what benefit he gets from actually sleeping at Dads. Can he drive? Are his friends walking distance from you, and he can go to the pub/clubs with them at weekends and stumble back to yours?

Would it be cheaper to provide him with a car, and him drive back to Mum's in the evening? Or does Mum want a child-free weekend because there's a new man around?

I think other posters think the children from the first family are second class citizens, when surely each parent should treat them as equally as possible
In this case the children of the first family are absolutely the first class citizens and the time has come for the adult to be demoted to a second class priority. It's not reasonable for the youngest child to be sidelined any longer. There is no issue with the younger step children at all and OP has said it's important for her DSD in particular to have her own room. No second classing there at all.

There are a lot of weird ideas on this thread that aren't the OPs situation.

The whole well I only ever stayed at my moms and never stayed at my dads so I don't see why any teen needs to be at their dads overnight. Or I never kept a single thing there, I just visited briefly and had a few things in a suitcase. In the OP, the teen still wants to come and dad seems to want him and he has had a space and belongings there all along. This isn't a case of a teen who only wants to stay in one place and doesn't want to spend time at dads

I moved out for uni and my parents took over the room - but this kid didn't move out for uni. It is taking his bed / space away from him while he still lives there - not after he moved out.

Or the well I only visit my parents, I don't live with them - you can spend time with your parents without living with them. Again - when you are married with a family, not the same as the OP case where is it s 18/19 yr old teenager. Many 18/19 year old teenagers still live with family.

Or the people are saying second kids don't count as much. No, I am saying that having a second family doesn't mean the first kids stop counting. All the kids have value from both families. It isn't a case of once you have a second family the kids form the first family lose their value as members of the family. All the kids should still matter.

On one hand, people want dads involved, then when they are involved - people are mad and say this isn't fair to younger kids and older kids should be booted out. Just because he has a mother and a bed there, doesn't mean that his other parent who is equally his parent shouldn't get to also have him around and have him also have a space there. The teen wants to still be around his siblings and his dad (and his step mom), he isn't wanting to only live with his mother.

And OP seems to have a better grasp on this than most responders. At the end of the day, their house is too small for the size of the family. There are four kids in the family - that is the reality of this family. Having more kids doesn't mean you get rid of the older ones to keep the numbers the same - it means the family gets bigger. If you value all four children in the family - you find a way to give them space in the home while they are still teens and in school.