18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

It’s not the 19yos problem to fix! The OP and her partner decided to have more children than they had space for. This issue is of their own making.
Eh no it's not.
A lot of parents would expect that 18/19 year olds while not fully moving out will at least be in uni accommodation a lot of the time, or would be happy to get a flat share if working instead of uni.
I grew up in a 3 bed with older 4 siblings. I was given my own room once the next to me went to uni. That left one room for the other 4. The 2 next to me in age would share this when home from uni. When the eldest two would come home they also would share or sometimes go to a B&B or just do a day trip. There was also a pull out in my room for overflow.
No one felt put out or unloved & we all have a great relationship.
It's only in blended families that people see issues with this stuff.

I don't think at any point the OP has said her step son isn't welcome at the house to he fair, there's no nastiness here. I think she was just saying she assumed it wouldn't be a problem as the 19yo would naturally be spending less and less time there so her 4yo would move into his room, but as that hasn't happened she is trying to figure out a solution whereby all the kids have their own bedrooms.

OP is your room bigger? Could you and the boys swap? So they can all fit in one room, or do you have a dining room that you could convert into a 4th bedroom for your older step son? Some friends of ours converted their garage into sort of a living room come bedroom for their older step children.

I'm guessing a bigger house is out of the question?

As long as there is a bed for all the dc when they are there that is the main thing. They don't all have to have their own rooms all the time.
Put your 4 year old in his own room and when the 19 year old stays then move him out into your room or put him on a little bed in one of the other rooms

OP was living in a 3 bed house with 5 people sharing the space already when they decided to have another child

I see this argument come up time after time on this board. What it actually means is "After a divorce, the first wife and children must be kept in exactly the same manner as during the marriage. All resulting sacrifices must be borne by their father, and if possible, any future wife or girlfriend".

When the details of the situation emerge, we find that the first wife has chosen not to work, and her ex is supporting her with very generous maintenance. This leaves him with just enough money to rent the box room in a shared house and no more. The second wife is working full-time and paying the mortgage and bills on a house bigger than she needs for herself and any children she may have. It all gets a bit stressy and she comes on here for advice. Instead of practical advice, people try instead to shame her for failing to keep the first family in the manner to which they are/would like to be accustomed.....

How many people can really afford 4 kids these days? It's tough. If the father thinks he can, he needs a well paid job. Otherwise, yes, it is a bit Old Mother Hubbard

take it up with him then.

the OP has one child. A 4 year old who does not have a bedroom at all and who matters. The fact that a 19 year old might need to sleep on the sofa in one of his two parental homes doesn’t change the fact that this child exists and has no bedroom anywhere.

Yes, totally agree. If she moves out then she can give her son a room to himself. Presumably the father had some kind of plan to accommodate his 4 children but lost his job or something. What was his plan, op?

Why should the 4 year old need to move out of his room?

If you can move, definitely do. Even with the eldest out of the question, you're still left with 3 DCs that are not really appropriate roommates in an ideal world.

My 24 YO DS is still here full time.

all 3 boys could go in a heavy duty triple sleeper like this. The bottom is a double so would give you that double that you wanted

www.sleeplandbeds.co.uk/supersonic-white-double-bunk-beds

Because he's only 4 and most 4 year olds aren't too fussy about where they sleep and tend to be smaller than a 19 year old and easier to move about!!
Seriously though that wasn't really my point. I meant to say that it is more important that everyone has somewhere to sleep and the 4 year old has a room of his own when the 19 year old isn't there.

If she moves out then she can give her son a room to himself.

It's probably her house, and he would have to move out and see his children in McDonalds. After all, the older children already have another roof over their heads.....

You just need three beds and a room for your son. Present this as a problem for everyone to solve.

Yes, another good solution. There you go, op.

Honestly these waste of space, over-breeding,under-paid men.

Because he's only 4 and most 4 year olds aren't too fussy about where they sleep and tend to be smaller than a 19 year old and easier to move about!!

But a young child needs their own room far more than a young adult with multiple housing options.

Apparently children in a second family just don’t matter.

19 year olds with somewhere else to stay are definitely easier to move about than a 4 year old in his only home. 19 year olds can very easily sleep on the sofa.

How small is the 4 year old. Mine were still in a toddler bed till nearly 6 shorties You could tuck a toddler bed into the corner of the room. Keep all the little ones clothes in your room. Have a good clear out with the older boys maybe get rid of some bits of furniture not really needed. Then it gives you at leat a year or two to figure out where a single bed will fit in there.
Keep the big boys in the bunkbeds, my two teens shared a room and bunkbeds till they moved out.

The kids exist now is not the time to be questioning if they should. It's very nasty.

*I see this argument come up time after time on this board. What it actually means is "After a divorce, the first wife and children must be kept in exactly the same manner as during the marriage. All resulting sacrifices must be borne by their father, and if possible, any future wife or girlfriend".

When the details of the situation emerge, we find that the first wife has chosen not to work, and her ex is supporting her with very generous maintenance. This leaves him with just enough money to rent the box room in a shared house and no more. The second wife is working full-time and paying the mortgage and bills on a house bigger than she needs for herself and any children she may have. It all gets a bit stressy and she comes on here for advice. Instead of practical advice, people try instead to shame her for failing to keep the first family in the manner to which they are/would like to be accustomed.....*

Excellently said @SpaceshiptoMars

Has anyone asked the 19 year old man if he would be happy to live full time with his mother? Has anyone asked her what she feels about this? By this age, I've not known many people wanting to split where they live. They tend to like their familiar and private space in one place. I'm amazed that this back and forth is still going on. It suggests the 2 sons get on with both parents which is great. The girl apparently doesn't have much of a relationship with her mother. This appears to be the girl's choice.
-One absolute is that the girl who lives in this house full time must have her own room
-Secondly, it is important that the 4 year old begins to face his own space. He doesn't have this anywhere

• the 2 EOW boys/men are old enough to be part of the conversation. Has there been a conversation with them?

It’s a bit of a crap situation all
round.

were you in the same house before your DS was born? If your DSS has always had the same room I think it’s a bit poor to expect him to give it up. But as you said your DS needs his own room.

I don’t think expecting a 19 yo not to want to visit his dad, or to move out are realistic tbh.

People are saying he has his own room at his mums, but his dads is his home too. It’s not his fault that his parents chose to split up.

theoretically you chose to have another child when there was already 5 people in a 3 bed, but there’s nothing that can be done about that now.

realistically the best situation is for the 19 yo to sleep in the lounge when he’s here,
although I can understand if he feels pushed out.

theoretically you chose to have another child when there was already 5 people in a 3 bed, but there’s nothing that can be done about that now.

Theoretically, the ex may have had more children since the divorce and this might be why DSD chooses to live full-time with the OP and her Dad!

@SpaceshiptoMars of that is the case neither set of families thought about the number of bedrooms compared to the number of children they are parenting

And?

Do you have a time machine they could borrow to go back and correct the situation?

Or shall we concentrate on the present and how to make the best of things?

I agree. Instead of berating people maybe help think of a solution?