18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

Get a bigger house 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MissMaple82 Why have you fabricated the truth?
Maybe you should try channelling Sherlock Holmes?

The Op asked for solutions...nowhere has she said she wants to kick her SS out..

Why would you twist it?

A 4yo doesn’t need a double bed.

Is there a downstairs room which the older boys could use as a bedroom? Some houses have a dining room which isn’t used because everyone eats in the kitchen, for example.

Otherwise find a way to split the biggest bedroom with a stud wall (if windows/doors allow) or furniture. Older boys have bunks, 4yo has a small single, could upgrade to a midi cabin bed as he gets older.

Good idea from a PP to involve all with finding solutions, but it’s not fair to expect oldest not to stay.

Ours are older, I still have them here, dsd moved in with us full time, plus one of my DD's, the other just visits for a few nights. You need a better solution, loft conversion? Garden room?

Sorry I read this as past tense (lived here 9 months), thought she was coming the same as the others.

Never the less totally inappropriate to put a 4 year old in with mid to late teen at any point.

If only she'd thought of that!

I think most people on this thread are missing the point that he does have his own room at his mum's!

@squareframe does that mean he shouldn’t stay at his dad’s anymore?

I would imagine that telling them they have to share with a 4 year old will speed up the flying the nest thing.

This is MN, the little child is just a child
of a second family so he should just be grateful he exists. No need for a bedroom anywhere at all if it might mean an adult half sibling not having 2 rooms.

the child is 4 and soon to start school and has never had a bedroom.

Staying =/= having his own room though.

I never had a bedroom at my dad’s. Ever. From 12 onwards when my parents separated. I still visited. It’s not the end of the world.

Give the 4yo the smaller bedroom. Put two singles in the other room and tell the 3 step children that there are two beds for them to arrange between the three of them who stays and when. If they all 3 want to stay the same time, one is on the sofa (and they can decide who).

Lots of good ideas here, op. Don't know what your financial situation is, obviously,but on the chance you're not struggling can you afford to build/buy a bedroom in the garden?

Lots of wooden summerhouses/chalets and outbuildings get converted into extra bedrooms and it might be ideal for the eldest (more independence and freedom to come and go late without disturbing anyone).

You can sometimes buy them secondhand too.

Loft conversion is potentially another option but more expensive I think!

This is probably what I’d do. I might consider a sofa bed.

The 4 year old only has one home. He should definitely have a bedroom.

How far away does his
Mum live? Would it be possibly to pay towards driving lessons and buy him a car ?

Absolutely this. Responsibility as a parent does not stop at 18. It also doesn't stop because they go to uni etc. my SD lives in Manchester. I'm not with her dad anymore but she still has a bed that she uses a few times a year (Christmas especially).
You can make it work and your younger kids will cope.

Not ideal, but can You get a Sofabed and you and dh to Sleep in the lounge, and your bedroom becomes a bedroom for one of the children
"Not ideal" would be the teenagers on the sofa bed.
The two adults who actually pay for the damn house in the first place and live there full time giving way and moving to the lounge is utterly insane and probably a one way ticket to huge resentment and awkwardness.

The eldest SS is a (young) adult. One of the changes that come with that for him will just need to be that he no longer has a bedroom at his dad’s house. He can come and stay (sleeping on the sofa or a camp bed) because his little brother actually needs a bedroom.

That’s not throwing him out on the street or any of the other hyperbolic claims on the thread. It’s a pragmatic response to the circumstances. He’s growing up so things will change. Doesn’t mean he’s not welcome, just that he’s growing up.

The resident children take priority. SD has one room and DS the other.

As for the boy & the man.....Blow up mattresses, sofa bed or fold up bed for either/both... They can alternate who gets the sofa/fold up bed and mattress.

OP, you're getting a hard time for expecting that when he became a man you might have a little more space, but I really don't think that is unreasonable. I was living alone at 16, a fully grown man living with mummy and daddy and living like a child wasn't really to be expected. Most come by to visit during the day, overnight if a distance. Shocked at the comments saying you shouldn't have had your own child if you weren't expecting them to stay only every other weekend as adults....

Anyway, some sort of arrangement in the living room is what is needed. The resident children of course get priority.

Responsibility as a parent might not stop at 18 but it does change. Leaving school and going to university is supposed to be the first stage of adulthood, not an extended childhood. No longer having a bedroom in (both) your parents’ homes is a pretty standard as part of the growing up experience.

It doesn’t mean you’re chucked out of the family. It just means you are now an adult and the arrangements and relationships are different.

There are enormously positive aspects to this altered, more adult relationship for the young adult too.

Tbh, a 19 year old at university who is happy for their youngest sibling to not have a bedroom at all because they want one in two houses is being incredibly self-centred. I’d be ashamed of my sons if they complained about this.

Could you partition the biggest room into two - a bigger space for the DSSs and a smaller one for your DSD. Give your son his own room, and you and your partner move into the medium size double room? If you can add a stud wall and a new window if needed, that could be the best solution.

There room is a off shape with one wall having to alcoves and a fireplace, we had three beds for a short time but it left zero floor space for anyone and everyone hated it so we scraped the single and the little one came in back with us for the last year.

He might just have to have the bottom bunk and still come in with us when the older two are over.

I know it's a few years till the room with soley have only the younger two and I'm guessing with the 19 year old moves out in 2/3 years ( he's told us he's doing this when he graduates)

The 15 year old will get his own room at mums too so that's good. Maybe it's because when I hit 17 ish I never really stayed at my dads overnight I was rounds loads but always went home to my mums other than the odd night so I just assumed it would be the same.

Then again I had a busy social life and he doesn't at all so we'll just leave the room as it is for another couple of years and see where we are

We aren't selling or moving this is a home we love and do have plans for but these will be on the next 3/4 years not straight away.

I'm not buying a bigger home for a 19 year old that's crazy surely??

They have never had to share with their younger brother before it's only due to school starting I want him in a proper bed / own space routine but we'll manage with the bunks and a blow up I think

All three DC can't share unfortunately as it's two boys one girl all teens that would be way to uncomfortable and the girl lives her full time with no contact at all at mums

Can't see why a 19 year old would choose sharing with a 4 year old over a house share where they can stay up late and party and have men/women over.