18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

[toomuchlaundry]

How many rooms are there at the mum's?

@BaaCake if the DS has chosen local university I assume that is so he can stay with parents rather than having to pay accommodation fees

[BaaCake]

@toomuchlaundry

How many rooms are there at the mum's?

@BaaCake if the DS has chosen local university I assume that is so he can stay with parents rather than having to pay accommodation fees

Maybe but maybe they need to branch out a bit and work on their independence. There's not room at dads to do the usual young adult fun and games they are missing out on a heck of a lot.

[aSofaNearYou]

He might just have to have the bottom bunk and still come in with us when the older two are over.

I wouldn't do this OP. The youngest child needs to take priority and have their own room. 19 year old needs to put up with the lack of space or sleep on the sofa, he is more than old enough to understand the necessity for a 4 year old to have their own room.

[stuntbubbles]

Why can’t you have bunks + single rather than three beds? As was suggested early on in the thread. SD keeps her room as she’s there FT and as a teenage girl can’t share with boys. But the 4yo can have the single and the SSs have the bunks – no one’s too old for a bunk, and no 4yo needs a double.

[MavisMonkey]

You need a triple bunk bed like this

[ToffeepopsandRaindrops]

Is it really the norm for a 19 year old to still be staying overnight on a regular routine basis at the parents house where they don’t regularly reside? I’ve never ever known that!

[BankingQuestion]

No, don't force your child out of his bed for them! He needs his own space, poor lamb.

He lives there full time, as does SD. They take priority and they get their own bedroom each. Their own bedroom even on weekends the other child and the adult visit. I'd probably put the boy on a sofa bed/ foldable bed and the man on an air mattress. Just explain to them the time has come where the children who live there full time need their own space.

Has your DH had a chat with his eldest son about coming of age, how is a man now, next steps etc?

[Owlilac]

Ideally you'd have to move or concert a loft or something. I mean doesn't each child have a chest of draws and a wardrobe each? How are you going to fit three wardrobes in there with three beds?

[Owlilac]

Drawers

[SlatsandFlaps]

@NeedAHoliday2021

It’s pretty unusual for a 19yo to move out. I moved out aged 22 but that was young even then and that was 18 years ago.

I moved out at 16 and that was 21 years ago

[SleepingStandingUp]

Unless you get a sofa bed in the living room for the girl and put your young son in the small room so the girl who lives there full time and is practically a woman with all the body stuff that entails shouldn't have a bedroom because the boys can't be expected to share??

[Magda72]

For the love of God! This guy has his own room at his mum's & yet a 4 year old with only one home who has shared with mum & dad since they were born is still expected to take up no space in order to facilitate a 19 year old!
Bloody typical of this board!
Furthermore - encouraging a 19 year old to move out is not heartless, it's actually very good for them & helps them become independent adults who properly individuate from their parents.
If this was an 'intact' family everyone would be saying that the 19 year old should be encouraged to get his own place! It's only on the step-parenting board that parents are expected to live in houses large enough to give all sdc their own bedrooms until said sdc are drawing the pension!
@mommabear2386 in this case I think your dc & the 15 year old are the ones who need to be facilitated & your dh needs to discuss with the 19 what his plans are & to explain that his 4 & 15 year old siblings now need a certain amount of space & see if they can come up with a plan whereby the 19 year old is encouraged to get a bit more independent.
If he's not at uni then presumably he's working?

[Mummumtum]

Is your room bigger? If so put the 3 boys on 1 bunk & 1 single in the biggest room and you take this funny shaped one for now

[aSofaNearYou]

@Mummumtum

Is your room bigger? If so put the 3 boys on 1 bunk & 1 single in the biggest room and you take this funny shaped one for now

I think even this is excessive at his age (let alone the lunacy of DS not having a dedroom at all). Yes in an ideal world parents would have so much surplus space there would always be somewhere for their adult kids to sleep, but in a lot of lower income houses that is just not realistic. Many young adults can't even maintain a bedroom at their only house, having a permanent space in one of his two houses is more than enough for a young man at the age where he needs to start framing his mind towards next steps.

The parents shouldn't need to totally shake up the bedrooms at this stage and the younger two boys could do with the space from the 19 year old. It's time to move on.

[Mummumtum]

why if you could and still have an adequate bedroom yourself wouldn’t you? I’m not suggesting the parents sleep on the couch.

I couldn’t imagine actively pushing a young adult DC to move out by making them feel unwelcome.

student funding/wages are low and rents are high. Unless the OP& his dad are offering to help fund this move out they are leaving him in a very uncomfortable situation.

OP was living in a 3 bed house with 5 people sharing the space already when they decided to have another child - why should a 19year old bear the brunt of that decision?

[lassof]

It doesn't sound like this family could afford 4 kids, but here we are.
Op hasn't mentioned yet the layout of the rest of the house/garden. A garden room that's insulated could be a good solution and would be handy as a teen den or office. If there are two downstairs rooms, one could be converted or have a sofa bed for part time bedroom status.

[Youseethethingis1]

why should a 19year old bear the brunt of that decision
You could just as easily ask "why should a 4 year old have no bedroom in order for his adult sibling to have 2?"

[lassof]

@Youseethethingis1

why should a 19year old bear the brunt of that decision
You could just as easily ask "why should a 4 year old have no bedroom in order for his adult sibling to have 2?"

or, why should a man have 4 kids he can't afford to house?

[FearlessFreddie]

The children who live there FT should each have their own room. The ones who visit occasionally should have blow up mattresses or similar. Please don’t shunt your young DS around- he needs a room he knows is his.

[Youseethethingis1]

Indeed, but we are where we are and dependent young children do need to be accounted for regardless of the perceived rights and wrongs of their existence.

[Whooshaagh]

The 4 year old needs the bed more than the 19 year old.
Explain to 19 year old that your youngest needs a bed in the boys room and ask him what solutions he can come up with.

[Wafflesnsniffles]

Why are the two elder now "too old" for bunk beds?
For context my eldest is older, sleeps in a single. Other one is 18 and has a bunkbed. No more of a problem than it was for me at that age - actually Ive just stayed at my parents house.............. aged almost 50, slept on a bunkbed and survived!

[Mummumtum]

It’s not the 19yos problem to fix! The OP and her partner decided to have more children than they had space for. This issue is of their own making.

what If the DSCs mum decided to have more kids and didn’t have space either? The original kids are just homeless because of their irresponsible parents?

EOW, half the holidays plus extra is not an occasional visitor

[zoomstyle]

Are they in the biggest room?

If not, how about you swap rooms?

[aSofaNearYou]

@Mummumtum

why if you could and still have an adequate bedroom yourself wouldn’t you? I’m not suggesting the parents sleep on the couch.

I couldn’t imagine actively pushing a young adult DC to move out by making them feel unwelcome.

student funding/wages are low and rents are high. Unless the OP& his dad are offering to help fund this move out they are leaving him in a very uncomfortable situation.

OP was living in a 3 bed house with 5 people sharing the space already when they decided to have another child - why should a 19year old bear the brunt of that decision?

Because I wouldn't feel the need to take on the upheaval of completely moving around everyone's furniture and belongings, rather than just say to the 19 year old "we're running out of space now mate, might need to sleep at mum's or on the sofa". I wasn't so emotionally immature at 19 that I couldn't handle that and I give 19 year old's more credit as a result. I don't see it as "bearing the brunt" of anything, just a natural, age appropriate shift into adulthood.