Birthday Party on DC's actual birthday- such a fuss!

[Pandarinio]

My DC's birthday falls on a day the DSC are not with us. I want to have a party on their actual birthday. DH says the DSC will be sad to miss it again (they missed it last year) as they won't be with us until the week after. I don't think they'll care, in fact they seemed put out that DC had a banner and stuff up when they came round last year as DH never bothers for them. Is it unfair of me to not wait a week and have a party when they can join in? We're not talking anything massive party wise just a few party food bits and a cake and some family round.

Wait hold on is this a thing ...Why would I be celebrating my DC birthday at his ex's home ? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I have a perfectly good house (yes I said I because I own it but it's DP and DSC home as well as my DD and DS)

Why would I be expecting my ex's family (bar DSC) to be attendance ? Why would she be hosting a party at her house for my child. Wouldn't that be a massive inconvenience, more inconvenient than moving or allowing DSC for extra days contact.

I'm being serious like this cannot be a thing right ? Right 😵‍💫

@candlesandpitchforks Haha god no, I meant that I'd celebrate with my DPs family (including DSC) the following weekend, ie his parents, siblings and the cousins etc.

I mean for the love of god is nothing allowed to be special just to DC without someone subtly or otherwise implying unless the special event is scheduled around DSC needs/wants that the SP hates the DSC. Even if it takes away from the DC.

Absolutely!

Oh I thought @beachcitygirl had suggested that series had to be held at ex's house. My mistake ! Thanks @aSofaNearYou I got confused lol 🙄 again 😵‍💫

No problem! She wasn't suggesting that, she was suggesting she wouldn't allow any celebration of DCs birthday in her house if the older children weren't there.

It's. Not. About. The. Step. Children.

There are some occasions when things don't have to centre around them... Another child's birthday being a glaringly obvious fucking one. Jesus Christ.

I absolutely hate to think what entitled little so and so's some of you are creating that you think ANOTHER child should have their birthday postponed a week so your precious darlings can enjoy a party that's not even for them.

So there is a relationship that requires nurturing & compromise & she should be wanting to nourish the relationship between her child & their siblings. It's good for her dc to have that relationship. It's healthy.

Compromise is not moving a child's birthday to accommodate other children. Utterly, utterly ridiculous pandering.

I'd tell DH they can come if they are there but the party is going ahead regardless. He can arrange to collect them if he wishes but hell would freeze before I fannied about arranging my child's birthday around DSC.

Where does it end? Do it now because 'a baby won't care' and you've set a precedent. Do you do it for their 2nd birthday if that's not during the dad's contact time too? Their 3rd? 4th? 5th?

Fucking stupid.

Brava @KingKung! Great post.

Yes, spot on @KingKung !

No your DC should not be adapting to your DSC for 'their' birthday. It's on that day and that's it, of course you should be able to hold a party then.

DH should be organising with the DSCs mum for them to swap days to be there on the day. If she refuses this it's her he needs to take his 'unfair' crap out on, not you!

Having another mini celebration when they come is fine. But the party isn't for them it's for the child whose birthday it is and that's who it should be centred around, when do they want it? On the day or when DSC can be there? DSC get an invite and if teens they can speak to their mum to say they want to come.

@candlesandpitchforks

But grandparents should be allowed to make a fuss of a child on their birthday right ? 😵‍💫
Of course. They can make a fuss whenever they want.

Your saying it like this is abnormal behaviour. DSC grandparents would be allowed to make a fuss of them on their birthday... why doesn't this apply to children of the second family .. if all children deserve to be treated "equally" ...

What I'm saying is there are often gripes/complaints by SMs about the GPs supposedly making a fuss about the stepkids, not specifically on birthdays, so the stepkids NOT being there is preferable to them.
_

She is also Step mum to her dh kids. So there is a relationship that requires nurturing & compromise & she should be wanting to nourish the relationship between her child & their siblings. It's good for her dc to have that relationship. It's healthy.

Totally agree with this...however, that would be relevant if it was important to the OP and it obviously isn't... if it was, this thread wouldn't exist.

In life we decide what's important and who is important to us.

That doesn't answer why you think a step parent would definitely delay their younger child's party by a week so it can be had when their older child is there.

My point was if the older sibling was their child and not the stepchild they would want the sibling there...and would delay it to enable their child to attend.

I think we can all agree they OP dh is an arse. Ex wife isn't trying to accomodate & Op is digging her heels in unnecessarily (child is a baby )

No one is the grown up in the room.

I absolutely 💯% agree with this.

Hi sorry so many messages to catch up on sorry if I've missed something. It's all fine we're having a mini party when they are next here after the birthday and DH agreed in the end that especially with the eldest that might be best as they are the one still adapting to DC and we think their might be a hint of jealousy there. I'd just like to address this post:

The mum is under no obligation to change her dates/times etc. She should be willing to oblige but she doesn't require to facilitate. Why on Earth should she care about the OP's kid? yes this is true, and we would never expect her to, we would only ever ask if she was ok to swap, never any expectations.

She is ZERO connection to the new crown Prince. damn right she isn't, I don't want her anyway near my child. And the golden child in the family is DSC1 so if anyone is treated like royalty it's them.

The OP is the mum to new child & of course it's understandable that she wants the party on the actual day. yes I do
BUT the child is too young to know. so what - everyone else in the family knows and that's when cards etc get opened.

She is also Step mum to her dh jids. So there is a relationship that requires nurturing & compromise & she should be wanting to nourish the relationship between her child & their siblings. It's good for her dc to have that relationship. It's healthy. yes it is I compromise a lot thanks. It is healthy but I'm not going to sweat it if it takes longer for the bond to build or it doesn't come.

DH should go pick his other kids up the night before or early morning of the party or OP should change until following week. He's not doing that for a party that is only lasting a few hours, thats not fair on the DSC to be ferried to a party they aren't really that fussed about. And I'm not changing the party now, as relatives have that day in the calendar.

On this one occasion as baby too young to know. In future years I wouldn't be so flexible. But also in future years the dc may want his siblings at his party & they may have to change things to suit. yes DC may and we will look at it then.

Best to all get on. However the OP unwillingness to do anything whatsoever to compromise is appalling & the DH unwillingness to make sure all 3 of his kids are a priority is appalling. hang on we compromised on a mini party next time they are here. And I don't get what DH has done here..

None of this bodes well for this relationship. thanks

Not the ex wife's monkeys & not her circus. I know and I don't want her anywhere near my child.

You're beyond wrong OP ok 👍

As for talk of me not wanting them there. No that is not the case. I don't mind if they are there or not. I guess the thing is this was never meant to be a huge fussy party, its just some family round for a small buffet thing and I'll put some balloons and a banner up. I think if in was organising a massive thing in a hall maybe I would understand the fuss a bit more.

I also find all this "crown prince" talk very bizarre.

@SandyY2K ahh ok - Gottach I think your below comment is relevant

What I'm saying is there are often gripes/complaints by SMs about the GPs supposedly making a fuss about the stepkids, not specifically on birthdays, so the stepkids NOT being there is preferable to them.

Now some sm won't want to engage with jealousy because no one wants to see any kid upset. However imo jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion and also a good learning skill in the right situation. One of the benefits of having siblings so that children can learn to deal with jealousy in a controlled way and learn the rules around when appropriate and when not.

If my DSC was jealous in this situation I would explain that everyone has a birthday and she does too so if she would like a party ect ask her dad for what she wants and I will help him the best way I can. However it's not - imo a good idea for people to change their behaviours (like grandparents not making a fuss of a child on their birthday) to avoid another child being jealous.

We have to exist with negative emotions, talk about them and not do everything in power to avoid them. Same with disappointment, if my Dd can't attend a party I will explain it's ok to be disappointed but sometimes life is like that. And it's a better lesson learnt early on because the world will teach it one way or another.

My point was if the older sibling was their child and not the stepchild they would want the sibling there...and would delay it to enable their child to attend.

There's no reason for you to come to this conclusion, though. You're just assuming that everyone who says they do not think a child's birthday revolves around their sibling with lukewarm interest enough to delay it by a full week is lying.

My point was if the older sibling was their child and not the stepchild they would want the sibling there...and would delay it to enable their child to attend.

I honestly don't think this is true?

What OP has described as a party isn't actually a party, it's just a birthday tea with family members, surely of the kind that most children have on their birthday every year? I did. My grandparents would come over, give me gifts, have cake etc. It wasn't a big thing and we still would have done it if my sister had, say, been away on a school trip or whatever, because it's not about her, it was for me! Then we would have done something together when she was back.

I would never let my child's birthday pass by without proper celebration purely for their sibling's sake. We could always celebrate again when everyone is together.

Why on Earth should she care about the OP's kid?
Well it’s not just about her is it? It’s about her child.

She is ZERO connection to the new crown Prince.
No but her child has a connection. And “crown prince” because his mum wants his party to be on his birthday? You’re not bitter are you?

I can assure you that no matter where first children are on their birthdays, they won’t be forced to not celebrate their birthday. So second children shouldn’t have to sit around waiting either.

I can assure you that no matter where first children are on their birthdays, they won’t be forced to not celebrate their birthday. So second children shouldn’t have to sit around waiting either.

How very true. I always used to think that when families broke down and people remarried, the "first" children somehow got left behind in favour of the "new" children, but in reality the reverse is true.

Nope. Not bitter.
Because I'm a step mum not a first wife.

But I know for a fact. That i would want ALL my kids at my child's birthday & if my partner couldn't understand that & facilitate that then I wouldn't be with them.

But I know for a fact. That i would want ALL my kids at my child's birthday & if my partner couldn't understand that & facilitate that then I wouldn't be with them.
And how long do you think this should go on for? Like should I berate my two sons for not coming to their 16 year old sister's party thrown on her actual birth day? Should I check if she's damaged as a person because we then had another celebration when her brothers were free?

Nope. As I said in my initial post. Only mow as the wee one is too young to know it's their actual birthday "so on this occasion only I think OP should reachedule" later years well that's a negotiation & will have to be navigated as it comes.

Some compromise & common sense needs applying

Sorry for typos in last message, lost my specs!

Why not "on this occasion only" the step kids attend the smaller celebration with the immediate family when they are next available?
Why set a precedent now only to break it in a year or two when the little one very much knows it's their birthday? The older kids know the score now anyway. It's not their birthday so why do they need fluffed up?

But I know for a fact. That i would want ALL my kids at my child's birthday & if my partner couldn't understand that & facilitate that then I wouldn't be with them.

But can you not understand that this is where second children potentially miss out and that it’s not fair? First children will never ever have to put their celebrations on hold at all. Imagine an 6 year old excited about your birthday, not being able to celebrate their birthday because their older sibling won’t be there on the day.

Parents with older children with an ex, have more children knowing that their older children won’t always be there. They know exactly what the dynamics will be. That is never their younger children’s fault and they shouldn’t have to compromise their childhoods.

If the mum won’t swap weekends, then the birthday child should still get to have their party. That’s got nothing to do with being royalty or parents being entitled etc… It’s also got nothing to do with planning it so that they stepchild can’t be there.

@beachcitygirl

New crown Prince?

What an utterly vile way to refer to a small child. Disgusting language about an innocent.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

But I expect you aren't.