Birthday Party on DC's actual birthday- such a fuss!

[Pandarinio]

My DC's birthday falls on a day the DSC are not with us. I want to have a party on their actual birthday. DH says the DSC will be sad to miss it again (they missed it last year) as they won't be with us until the week after. I don't think they'll care, in fact they seemed put out that DC had a banner and stuff up when they came round last year as DH never bothers for them. Is it unfair of me to not wait a week and have a party when they can join in? We're not talking anything massive party wise just a few party food bits and a cake and some family round.

Stick to your plans, OP. Given the age gap, I seriously doubt the DSC are bothered about a little one’s birthday tea at home with aunties etc.

Disappointing to see so much negativity aimed at you, but not a word about a mother who moved 2.5 hours away and doesn’t appear to do any travelling for contact, let alone encourage flexibility to see their father and half siblings. If a man did that, they’d be rightly hammered on here.

The only one with the problem is your DH due to whatever dad guilt he is having. You are inviting your family for a small celebration of your child's birthday. It is not like you are hosting 50 people with huge entertainment program. Tell your DH he is welcome to organise whatever other celebration he can see fit when his kids are here. People have separate birthday parties all the time.. Might be one for kids, another for family etc. It really is not a big deal not to have every family member there.
I don't think you are excluding anyone. You are being realistic about your expectations in regards to your child relationship with much older DSC who are with you part time. In an ideal world all the half/step/full siblings would enjoy each other company, but it is just not the case for a lot of people. There is no need to create any drama, it is just the way things are.

This

I’m not really sure why you made the thread in the first place?

My thoughts too, as OP has made up her mind. If the child was old enough to know its their birthday, I could understand the insistence, but it just seems you don't want them there or cba, coming across very defensive.

If I was invited to my nephews birthday party and my brothers older kids weren't there, I'd feel a but uncomfortable about it tbh.

It's this kind of attitude that causes a divide...your child had siblings and just because they're not your kids shouldn't mean they're excluded or not considered. It's really just about what YOU want and fu£k everyone else, including your husband. Good luck with it.

It's not "excluding" anyone if they can't make the little family celebration on the day the child was actually born 🙄
It's a new one on me but "your DC doesn't get to have their own birthday celebrated, their parents live together and that's enough, what about the poor DSC" is one for the classics list.

Problem is Sandy as OP has posted the ex won't let the contact days be changed and obviously children are born on one day and are deserving of a fuss to made out of on their actual birthday. Same as SC. Every child deserves that.

Tbh if DH doesn't bother for his own kid's birthday he's not someone I would mind upsetting tbh or care greatly about his opinion. He doesn't sound great esp since he wouldn't have to buy anything it's all there to be put up if he could pull finger out.

I would be a bit marked if my DH didn't bother with his kids birthdays started kicking up a fuss about something he's contributed 0 input to otherwise than trying to control the date.

It would be reasonable to feel uncomfortable if the older children could have come but simply weren't invited. But a dick move to feel uncomfortable (and - implied - judgmental) if they were invited but mum wouldn't allow it, and the family didn't decide to move the child's birthday by a week just so they could be there. They can celebrate separately when they are over, it's excessive to expect nothing to happen on the actual birthday.

the reason is that it's important for kids to made a fuss of on their actual birthdays and not told they must wait for the more important children to be there

Not enough eye rolls, honestly.

It's a new one on me but "your DC doesn't get to have their own birthday celebrated, their parents live together and that's enough, what about the poor DSC" is one for the classics list.

People actually believe that stupid nonsense too.

@candlesandpitchforks

children are born on one day and are deserving of a fuss to made out of on their actual birthday. Same as SC. Every child deserves that.

If the child I question actually knew it was their birthday, yes I'd agree.. and a party isn't the only way to make a fuss about them.

This sounds like a kid who has yo have their presents opened for them...toddler age who doesn't even know what a birthday is.

Many other things could be done to celebrate, but this child is so young they don't even know it's their birthday. So it's purely the SM who is refusing or not inclined to be flexible to enable the stepkids to be there.

The fact that the mum won't swap contact days is irrelevant...it can be changed to enable their presence..but if you're not bothered about their presence... which the OP isn't, then she has no reason to be flexible.

Years ago it was my daughters birthday and my sister and her family were going to be away, so I postponed the party till the were around...because their presence (sister and nieces) was important to me.

I still got a little cake, bought gifts on the day...etc...but she was only a year old and didn't know anyway.

It's all about how important the people are to you...they're important to her husband...but not so much to her.

That's really the long and short of it.

@SandyY2K
OP had said she will get cakes and have a little celebration when the step kids are next with them.

What I'm struggling with is why you think that's not enough fuss to make of it on whatever random day they are next there, but at the same time it's a perfectly acceptable amount of fuss to make of the birthday child on their actual birthday?
It looks alot like, following that train of logic, one set of children are set above the other. Which, as you say, is fine for a toddler who doesn't know the difference, but kids grow and I can think of more than one thread where the SM is in despair because her DH won't so much as order in fish and chips when his elder children aren't present as they would be "missing out" so it's not hard to see where pandering this sudden attack of Daddy Guilt could go.

OP had said she will get cakes and have a little celebration when the step kids are next with them.
What I'm struggling with is why you think that's not enough fuss to make of it on whatever random day they are next there, but at the same time it's a perfectly acceptable amount of fuss to make of the birthday child on their actual birthday?

Exactly 👏

Why on earth should Op and her Dc not get to celebrate on the actual day, just because they have half-siblings. It's not excluding them. Excluding them would be keeping them away if they were around. They're not around. OP and her DC deserve to have a full life in the time that her DSS are not there, just as hopefully the DSS are doing at their mum's.

It's Dad guilt that drives this. OP should nip it in the bud.

OP had said she will get cakes and have a little celebration when the step kids are next with them.

This isn't the party though is it...I mean this could happen any old day they're there...it's all the other people who would be there...it's hardly a party with your siblings alone .

one set of children are set above the other.
Not at all

Which, as you say, is fine for a toddler who doesn't know the difference,
Exactly... and as they get older, you change things.

but kids grow and I can think of more than one thread where the SM is in despair because her DH won't so much as order in fish and chips when his elder children aren't present

This is foolishness obviously and what stops her ordering the fish and chips herself. If he doesn't want to eat them..it's his lookout.

What I'm pointing out here is perspectives. Her husband wants ALL his kids there...she has ALL her kids there ...so it's not an issue for her, but that shouldn't mean she shouldn't take a minute to understand how HE feels.

Perhaps he should also reflect the facts that she isn't bothered because his kids not being there doesn't matter to her, while it matters to him.

The stepfamily dynamic takes understanding on both parts...it doesn't necessarily mean one person is right and the other is wrong.

They can both be right and justified from their own perspectives. I'm just saying they I understand his perspective.

I can understand his perspective too. His children are split across two households. I wouldn't like it either.
It is setting one set above the other if the most important thing isn't to celebrate an individual child's birthday, but to downgrade it and make sure others get the day they deserve.
A few hurt feelings might actually be a good thing if it meant the mother actually understood it was important to her children to be there for family occasions like this instead of expecting everyone else to comply.
My DSDs mother would never hear the end of it if she tried to pull this crap, and she knows it.

I get seeing both sides @SandyY2K but I see a five side which is the DC, DSC, step mum, dad and mum. As a SP you would actively try to make sure DSC are included and of course invite them. But if they had say football, another party you wouldn't rearrange the party beat it would fall into the bracket of life.

However the mum (and I am a mum) is actively unwilling to allow the kids on the child's birthday so this isn't about life (shit happens) it's about control and specifically enabling someone who isn't willing to allow her kids for a extra days contact to attend a party. I can see why the op is saying no I won't move it because the person who is stopping their attendance is their mum and if the date isn't moved then the blame is firmly on her shoulders and the kids will see that.

Op may have chosen DH but she didn't sign up for life events to be planned around a unreasonable ex whims. You have to have some line and I think life events are one of them. Now I say unreasonable because if the ex was reasonable I would put money on it op would more willing to be flexible. This is why the ex is important in this situation

Op has decided to do a party for them too on a day they have them. As let's face it kids don't really care about the presence of family at gathers and some teens actively avoid.

Of course DH wants his kids together but he chose the ex, he chose to have kids with two women practically this means he will have to compromise and feel uncomfortable because op has said he's input is 0. He's not bothered about first families childrens birthday but bothered his seconds children party isn't on contact weekend of his first.

Sounds like he cares about the wrong thing tbh. I'm surprised more people aren't going, hold up he doesn't bother with DSCs birthdays but is suddenly bothered when his wife sorts out a party for their joint DC. He's got his priorities out of whack with himself and his feelings first and foremost, feelings he has from his actions. Maybe just me though tbh

I'm sure if this situation was that the OP had kids from a previous relationship and they were with their dad that day, who also refused to swap or allow them to attend, that this would be moved to another day, because who wouldn't want all their kids there.

What's important to one person, is not going to be so important to another and this is something that OPs husband needs to understand. Of course no stepmum is going to say it as bluntly as that to her husband, but in this situation, his kid's presence is not a nothing.

op has said he's input is 0.

And this right here is often a big factor.

I'm sure if this situation was that the OP had kids from a previous relationship and they were with their dad that day, who also refused to swap or allow them to attend, that this would be moved to another day, because who wouldn't want all their kids there.

Why are you sure of that?

There's an 8+ year difference and the child is old enough to possibly know the date of his birthday. So say he's turning 5, the step children are 13+. 13 year olds aren't desperate to celebrate with 5 year olds. They'd like some cake but that's about it.

The problem is the very common "dad is lazy". He could have his family come round to celebrate the birthdays of OP's stepchildren and put up banners etc but he doesn't /won't.

If they live a 5 hour trip away I would have the party when they are there. I would do it just to include them in the family party, to encourage good sibling relations and because it is important to the father of your child. We always have birthday parties on the day it will work out best, not the actual day which is quite often a weekday when the kids are at school..

I totally agree with this. Have the party when you want, make it clear your step children are welcome and leave it to their parents to either arrange that they are there or not. You can't control whether or not their parents will be reasonable but you can control whether or not the unreasonable behaviour dictates what you do with your own child.

There's an 8+ year difference and the child is old enough to possibly know the date of his birthday

She already said the child didn't know.

Why are you sure of that?

Because of my experience with many step and blended families in a professional capacity.

I hear lots of things many SMs (sometimes SDs) imparticular feel, but wouldn't necessarily vocalise to their spouse.

They're actually often quite happy the stepkids won't be there "to take the attention away from their child" and have the grandparents fussing over them, as is often the case.

Invite them and make it clear the invite is to come the night before and then leave the morning after. If their mum says no, thats on her

you know it’s OK for mum to be doing whatever it is she wants with her children on her time, right? It’s not on her to change any of her plans to accommodate this? I get it would be nice of her to do so but her children’s non-attendance is not on her just because she says no. Short notice, plans with friends or family, regular activities OP knows nothing about etc etc are all perfectly good reasons not to comply with a request for a change to the usual parenting schedule.