Birthday Party on DC's actual birthday- such a fuss!

[Pandarinio]

My DC's birthday falls on a day the DSC are not with us. I want to have a party on their actual birthday. DH says the DSC will be sad to miss it again (they missed it last year) as they won't be with us until the week after. I don't think they'll care, in fact they seemed put out that DC had a banner and stuff up when they came round last year as DH never bothers for them. Is it unfair of me to not wait a week and have a party when they can join in? We're not talking anything massive party wise just a few party food bits and a cake and some family round.

Exactly. Either this or they don’t come. You can’t move dates around to suit them, or moreover your DH.

you know it’s OK for mum to be doing whatever it is she wants with her children on her time, right? It’s not on her to change any of her plans to accommodate this
Same applies to OP and her child tbh.
One isn't a more senior grade of mother than the other.

Under no circumstances should your child have to wait to celebrate their own birthday until their siblings are around!!

This isn't the party though is it...I mean this could happen any old day they're there...it's all the other people who would be there...it's hardly a party with your siblings alone

Sandy, you realise the party isn't about the DSC don't you? You realise it's not for them and that resident children can actually have something that's actually just about them and not the precious DSC?

It actually gobsmacks me people think a child should postpone their own birthday until the important children are there to enjoy the party.

That doesn't answer why you think a step parent would definitely delay their younger child's party by a week so it can be had when their older child is there. Especially if their older child displays jealousy around their younger child being made a fuss of.

The second part of your comment is interesting, though, because it presumes all the "angst" about the step children being there is coming from the step parents, whereas on here at least it seems to come much more from posters like yourself feeling like the grandparents need to refrain from making a fuss of the younger children and focus more on the SC so they don't feel left out. Of course step parents wouldn't be keen on the SC being there if people are saying that their family must not make a fuss of the birthday child as a result.

Incidentally, my DSS, out of nowhere, struggled with my DD's 1st birthday. Jealousy came out around another child being talked about and given presents and he displayed some behaviour that really put a dampener on the day. DD wasn't being lavished with adoration, just the normal attention you would expect for a child on their birthday. I get a similar vibe about OPs SC from what she's said - so if the SC aren't even going to like being at the younger kids birthday party and it will make them act out, why is it so essential everything be moved so they can be there? Surely they would prefer a core family only celebration the next weekend, rather than being dragged to the grandparents and aunties giving the one year old presents day?

But grandparents should be allowed to make a fuss of a child on their birthday right ? 😵‍💫

Your saying it like this is abnormal behaviour. DSC grandparents would be allowed to make a fuss of them on their birthday... why doesn't this apply to children of the second family .. if all children deserve to be treated "equally" ...

I'm confused by this logic tbh

Oh myyyy, some of these replies!!

My SCs celebrate their birthday with whoever they are with on the day, and then the other parent celebrates with them when they have them.

This can be the same for a younger child surely???? DP and I are expecting a baby and I expect it will celebrate its birthday with us/my family on the day, and then again with SCs and DP's family when they are around.

It's unbelievable people expect a child to miss out on birthday celebrations purely because SCs aren't there on the day. What a terrible attitude towards that little child, talk about make them feel 2nd best.

you know it’s OK for mum to be doing whatever it is she wants with her children on her time, right? It’s not on her to change any of her plans to accommodate this
Exactly- the OP should have a party for her child when she wants. It's not her to change the plan to accommodate anyone else.

I started on your side @Pandarinio but changing it. Of course your sc & dc aren't going to be close with
A) your attitude
B) shitty dad

I pity your step kids. One day he'll leave you & your kid will be the dsc

We'll see yoy back on here then moaning about your poppet being sidelined.

Crack on

Tbh I can see why OPs got a "attitude" I would to tbh.

People are suggesting she's a bad SM because she wants to her kids have a party on the their birthday. Rather than move it to a date for DSC because the parents aren't willing to put their shit aside for the relationship of their children.

@candlesandpitchforks

Let's get a few things straight.

The mum is under no obligation to change her dates/times etc. She should be willing to oblige but she doesn't require to facilitate. Why on Earth should she care about the OP's kid?

She is ZERO connection to the new crown Prince.

The OP is the mum to new child & of course it's understandable that she wants the party on the actual day.
BUT the child is too young to know.

She is also Step mum to her dh jids. So there is a relationship that requires nurturing & compromise & she should be wanting to nourish the relationship between her child & their siblings. It's good for her dc to have that relationship. It's healthy.

DH should go pick his other kids up the night before or early morning of the party or OP should change until following week.

On this one occasion as baby too young to know. In future years I wouldn't be so flexible. But also in future years the dc may want his siblings at his party & they may have to change things to suit.

Best to all get on. However the OP unwillingness to do anything whatsoever to compromise is appalling & the DH unwillingness to make sure all 3 of his kids are a priority is appalling.

None of this bodes well for this relationship.

It's up to OP & her DH to care for their blended family of 3 kids.

Not the ex wife's monkeys & not her circus.

And I'm a step mother with challenging step kids & a partner who can be an arse about it.

You're beyond wrong OP

Bizarre :-/ I bet SCs still celebrate their birthdays if they're not with their dad.

A birthday is a birthday. There is nothing to say a 2nd celebration can't take place when SCs are present....it's just an excuse for another cake!

So there is a relationship that requires nurturing & compromise & she should be wanting to nourish the relationship between her child & their siblings. It's good for her dc to have that relationship. It's healthy.

Now I'm not of the opinion that the mother has to do anything either, but just to pick up on this - this does go both ways. I find it interesting that people SO often say that step parents should be deeply concerned about fostering a good relationship between her children and their half siblings, yet it's fair enough for this to be of zero interest to the mother of the SC.

I'm not uninterested in my DD getting on with my DSS but this isn't deeply central to my life and priorities, as it no doubt also isn't to DSS's mother!

@beachcitygirl thing is why does SM have to care if mum doesn't have to care. Why does SM have to be nurturing and mum doesn't. Both involve children.

You can nurture all you like with full siblings but frankly it's more down to personality's and I get on better with my step sister/half sister better than my "full siblings" and I spent every birthday with those buggers.

Both children are linked to each other neither mum or SM made the choice to have either set of child. The only person who had a active choice in the creation of both sets of children is the father. If he wants them to be close then he shouldn't be putting exactly 0 effort into it.

Not being critical of the person all doing the leg work. That as it is there's gonna be a celebration party for DC and DSC when they are there.. so what exactly is the problem which is also being organised by the OP.

Your birthday is your birthday and at the end of the day I wouldn't do this to my DD if she was the SC in question and if she ever has half siblings I would do whatever I could for her to form a bond as it's what's best for my DD and I care more about her happiness than my convenience.

That said say I had plans I couldn't move on that day for a v good reason. I would never be so entitled to think that someone wouldn't be allowed to celebrate their birthday regardless of age and would explain it to my daughter this falls into you can't have everything shit happens. Mainly because I don't want to produce any more entitled people in this world. But maybe that's just me...

@candlesandpitchforks I replied to you only because you said "the parents should sort their shit"
I normally find you the absolute voice of reason on these boards.

However I fundamentally disagree with you on this.
The ex wife HAS not chosen to have a new child in her life.
The step mum HAS chosen to have 2 new kids in her life.

The step kids & baby got no say (rightly)

It's up to the DH & Stepmum to facilitate, compromise & nourish. They are the ONLY ones who had a say in any of this.

Sure it would be lovely if everyone in the family could all be besties but while that's unrealistic it's up to OP and her DH as the only two with any real agency in the creation of step siblings.

*It's up to the DH & Stepmum to facilitate, compromise & nourish. They are the ONLY ones who had a say in any of this.

Sure it would be lovely if everyone in the family could all be besties but while that's unrealistic it's up to OP and her DH as the only two with any real agency in the creation of step siblings.*

I understand this distinction but ultimately I think it's a leap to say choosing to be in the situation means it's "up to" the step parents to facilitate.

I chose to enter a situation where my DP of choice would have to do a lot of facilitating, since he made children with different people, and I wouldn't get in the way of that where reasonable.That's it.

It doesn't matter if the woman has had a say or not, her children now have half siblings and that's that. If she wants to be obstructive to their relationship, she of course can choose to do so. What she cannot expect is for the mother of the half sibling to give her child a lesser experience just to soothe any guilt she might feel about being an arse about it. Second born isn't second best.

@beachcitygirl we can agree to disagree, many often disagree with me but from my perspective I'm looking at this situation as a mum tbh and what I feel is my responsibility to my DD, and the factors at play here.

If sm was saying bollocks to DSC - no party when DSC here no nothing, I would agree but the fact dad is doing nothing for either sets of children, both as a sm and mum is grim. I truly do think that mum has a part to play in this tbh, to the same level as SM no (but she's made effort by trying to include DSC) but she is not equally responsible for sorting this out and the biggest person with responsibility and doing the least is dad . I can see how this 0 effort has panned out and SM has gone you know what no I'm not doing all the hard graft for you to sit back and take the piss.

They had asked to swap a weekend I can see that being more inconvenient to mum but having the kids a extra day on top of usual contact for a party isn't a big deal imo.

if you haven't disagreed with my posts in the past I'm shocked because most people do. I only know what I would do if my Dd was in sc shoes but there isn't a set rule book in blended families.

I actually think given the travel times - 5hr round trip - that SCs attending on the day is not very feasible, particularly if during the week. If it's a weekend then it's up to dad to approach his ex and ask for a swap/extra day.

If that can't happen, the birthday is celebrated again with SCs the next time they are over.

I honestly can't see any drama in this. The only thing that's unreasonable would be for the birthday boy/girl not to be allowed to have their little birthday tea with family on their actual birthday, which is all OP is talking about.

In OP's shoes, I'd celebrate with my own family on the day and then celebrate with DP's family again when SC's were around. 2 birthdays for the little one and everyone gets to attend a party.

Same applies to OP and her child tbh.One isn't a more senior grade of mother than the other

erm….I responded to the poster who said the DSC’s attendance was on mum if invited. I pointed out that it is perfectly reasonable for mum to have other plans. I did not say, nor suggest, that anyone - child or parent - occupies a more important position in such a scenario.

I think we can all agree they OP dh is an arse. Ex wife isn't trying to accomodate & Op is digging her heels in unnecessarily (child is a baby )

No one is the grown up in the room.

If I were OP dh I wouldn't stand for a party that all my kids weren't invited to. Not a chance.
I would tell my family & friends to attend the following week & not that week.

I'd do a small cake on the actual day & party when all our kids could be there.

If OP wants a party then let her crack on & do it elsewhere & have only her own family. Wouldn't be happening in my house.
However as we've seen he doesn't prioritise his kids. So zero chance of him suddenly becoming a proper parent.

Wether anyone likes it or not there are three kids now. Not one crown Prince.

I agree that no one's acting well @beachcitygirl but just to point out that the step children are invited to the party, it just so happens it falls on non contact time and mum won't switch the weekend to the actual birthday day or let them have DSC for extra day or so (which I would jump on anyone offering me some child free time but that's just me) which in turn if contact every other weekend could mean 14 days after the birthday itself.

It's all a bit unreasonable tbh. I also suspect that if DH pulled some type of fuck out of his arse for this, then he should be able to do the same for DSC on their birthday too and I personally OPs actions are based less on the party but more on feeling taken advantage of for being dumped with the woman's work. I would take other action like put DH in the bin but different strokes different folks tbh. As Everyone's birthday should be celebrate both OPs Dc and DSC - and I think I would be tempted to die on that hill both sides.

But I'm sleep deprived atm so may not being so reasonable.

@beachcitygirl
That's funny you should say that nobody is being a grown up here, then proceed to astound us all with the spiteful and petty actions you would deliberately choose to take against your family and your own child on their birthday 😆

If OP wants a party then let her crack on & do it elsewhere & have only her own family. Wouldn't be happening in my house.

I was with you until you said "wouldn't be happening in my house". The obvious solution is for them to celebrate with OPs family on the actual birthday and her DPs the next weekend. This is likely what we'd do here regardless of the logistics of where the SC are.

But like hell would I tolerate my partner saying I couldn't celebrate my child's birthday on their birthday with my family in OUR house 😂

You're not helping yourself with all the "crown prince" talk. Nobody is treating him like a bloody crown prince for celebrating his actual birthday FFS. That's a totally normal thing to do regardless of whether his much older siblings are there. The idea that anyone would say their child couldn't do something on their birthday because their much older siblings weren't there without being seen as a "crown prince" is bloody laughable, it's only being held up as standard behaviour here because he is young.