To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Agreed on the "right to be there argument. Nobody would argue "well it's their home they have a right to be there" about a parent leaving a small child at home unsupervised. Children go where the person responsible/charged with supervising them is, regardless of whether it's their home or not.

It's a silly argument.

Do you not think that working and bringing in money to provide your child with housing and food and necessities is part of looking after your own child?

The father is at work covering expenses for two adults adult and two children - how is that not looking after them? And how can be be both at work and at home? How do you know he does nothing when he is off work?

I think it's a difficult situation, but 2 separate issues.

Ultimately the DSD is the responsibility of her parents and her father should be at home, spending time with her on the one night she is at their house and facilitating it.

But I also feel that if you go out of your way to build a bond/ relationship with a young child, you then have a responsibility to continue. Anything else is unfair on the child.

No it doesn’t change it. They are not obligated or required to take responsibility for the child however much time they spend cohabiting.

Its not that stepparents can’t or won’t choose to do so but that they are helping out.

The big problem is that other people (and very problematically the child’s parents) seem to mistake help for obligation. And they take the piss. Then, when a stepparent wants to put some boundaries in or have the actual parent do some work for
a change, people start banging on about how they signed up to this and they knew what they were getting in to.

That is what people are objecting to.

you are assuming that the stepparents don’t contribute financially.

I'm not sure a single poster has argued that a step parent should do zero for their step child. It is a fact, however, that only the parents are actually responsible and ultimately accountable.
The issue is the arguement that the removal of choice from a non resident third party is reasonable.
The biological parents are happy with the current set up as they get their night off and an easier journey home etc. but OP somehow has no right to want to change the set up when it doesn't suit her?
I was supposed to look after DSD for a few hours for DH on Saturday, but DS came down with a sickness bug (while DH was away, one of those weeks) and I was exhausted from no sleep and I'm also 22 weeks pregnant. So I told DH on Thursday night that DSD could come but I'd not be taking her to her hobby.
So he and his ex decided to swap weekends. My choice, then their choice. All adults. Only 2 actually responsible for making the best decisions for their DD. I don't owe everyone immediate compliance just because I married a man with a child.

Plus this father only has one night of contact a week. Yet he hasn’t organised his life so he can be there.

we all make choices about work to make sure we are there with our children. If I only saw my child overnight once a week, I’d bloody well make sure it was when I wasn’t working. Otherwise he’s telling her every week that she’s not important enough for her father to be there doing bedtime etc.

I could earn loads more and advance much faster in my career if I didn’t have to be there and actually look after my children. Does having a penis mean that having a job and nothing else counts as full filling your parenting responsibilities?

Interesting that you felt the need to dig into my previous posts... I also started a thread, from before we took a few weeks apart, about him stealing my biscuits! He is a pain in the arse sometimes, but he has come from an extremely dysfunctional family and lived through some very tragic times as a young boy. He has had a difficult life and as a result has lived in survival mode for the majority of it, which has made him make a lot of stupid decisions. He is open minded to change, understands his issues, and we are working on them together.

Or are only perfect people allowed to have children? I'm no where near perfect myself and I haven't met anyone else that is, either.

How is OP contributing financially?

She’s got a 9 month old. She may well be on maternity leave.

Or is that something only first wives should be allowed?

If you had read my posts you would see I don't believe that at all. My point is that if OP takes on some of the financial responsibiliy for herself and their son then her DH can cut back at work and be home more with his son and daughter. And OP will get a break from being home all the time with a difficult child who is exhausting her. Both parents should take on hands on parental responsiblity and financial responsibility for themselves and their children - both are essential to adulting and caring for and parenting a child.

I think us 2nd wives are allowed it but only if we use it to also provide free childcare for any other children regardless who their parents are.

How do you know she isn’t contributing financially?

loads of women on MN seem to feel they must save up to cover their maternity leave because his forbid they don’t pay their way in maternity leave.

Maybe it’s her house that she bought?

loads of possibilities.

🙋when I was on maternity leave I was still paying half the bills, including the additional mortgage and utilities to provide DSD a bedroom here.

I’m in the same situation as you OP but the reverse. We have a 7 year old and a 6 month old buts it my husband that’s the step parent. I have to say, I’d be pretty unimpressed if he followed a majority of the advice on here int hat he doesn’t have an responsibility for my daughter at all. When he married me, he took her on too. and he’s great. He looks after her, he works hard to provide for us, she is his daughter in every way that matters.

i had a step mum who didn’t want me around when her babies were born and I now no longer speak to my dad. Not saying that’s what will happen but something to bare in mind.

not sure why PP’s are slating him so badly when they don’t know what his job is. He has 2 children to provide for. Maybe he had to work Saturday nights in order to do so. My husband is a chef. He works every night apart from his day off!

Hi op , you say you have been collecting and looking after DSD for around 3 months, you also say you and your partner have had a few weeks apart. Did you still have DSD during this time ? Or did your DP not see his DD for a few weeks?
Just wondering if the DSD can actually rely on her dad or if he's flitting in and out of her life .

@RibNSaucyArseCrack
Do the four of you live together and operate as a unit, making decisions about how to run your household together or is there another person lurking in the background wielding some power over how your husband may or may not spend his time?
That's the difference between a resident and non resident step parent.

I must have missed the comment calling me a deadbeat! Or was it deleted? What a strange, inflammatory thing to say. It really pulls into question any of your other opinions to be honest, and I think I'll be ignoring your thoughts from here on out as you are clearly a bit of an odd duck.

For the record, I pay exactly half (or sometimes 100%) for everything using a small inheritance I have from my late father. This covers my share of everything, and will until my son is 2 and I can start to use the 15 hours free childcare so I can go back to work. Considering your previous comments, I imagine you will now suggest that I should somehow be using my inheritance to help DP see DSD more 🙄

Perfect advice from @TopCatsTopHat , @DonnyBurrito .

@DonnyBurrito just to be clear that wasn't me calling you a deadbeat, I quoted a previous poster and called out her unkind comment.

Just because MN new formatting is crap.

Yes. The term deadbeat wasn’t used. But implied.

apparently he must be working these Saturday nights rather than actually seeing his daughter because he has to pay to house and keep you. That’s fulfilling his obligations.

which means that you must keep up your end if the bargain by being childcare for him and his ex.

that’s the logic at work.

You copied one line from my comment. I wasn't actually calling her a deadbeat but saying if dad is being called a deadbeat for being at work and not at home then she is a deadbeat for being at home and not at work. You can't have it both ways.

I am not struggling to cope. I've said a few times that, the majority of the time, I am fine with taking care of myself and my son. I don't feel like I'm struggling to loom after myself or him. I am very tired, and phsyically exhausted, but I'm fine. I'm not back at work, so I don't need to make any adjustments that will potentially disrupt my son whilst he is very young. I just don't need to. If my partner moved on and had another baby with someone else, I would never EVER suggest that she must sleep train her baby or night wean or anything along those lines so that my son could still hang out with her one-to-one. That would be completely insane.

Yes but then his contact arrangement and maintenance should be made around this with the dsc's mother

So the OP isn’t allowed to parent her baby in the way she chooses because the priority should be her SD?