Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

To not want to look after DSD on my own?

443 replies

DonnyBurrito · 21/05/2022 21:06

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:45

Midlifemusings · 22/05/2022 19:41

You copied one line from my comment. I wasn't actually calling her a deadbeat but saying if dad is being called a deadbeat for being at work and not at home then she is a deadbeat for being at home and not at work. You can't have it both ways.

Show quote history

No. Because providing childcare is a financial contribution. Quite a substantial one. I pay over £1100 a month for nursery and that’s standard hours not Saturday nights.

whereas not bothering to be there on the only night your daughter stays each week is definitely not pulling your parenting weight. Even if you are working.

they’re not equivalent.

Midlifemusings · 22/05/2022 19:46

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:20

I’m in the same situation as you OP but the reverse. We have a 7 year old and a 6 month old buts it my husband that’s the step parent. I have to say, I’d be pretty unimpressed if he followed a majority of the advice on here int hat he doesn’t have an responsibility for my daughter at all. When he married me, he took her on too. and he’s great. He looks after her, he works hard to provide for us, she is his daughter in every way that matters.

i had a step mum who didn’t want me around when her babies were born and I now no longer speak to my dad. Not saying that’s what will happen but something to bare in mind.

not sure why PP’s are slating him so badly when they don’t know what his job is. He has 2 children to provide for. Maybe he had to work Saturday nights in order to do so. My husband is a chef. He works every night apart from his day off!

I think you and I are the only ones on this thread that see step kids as family members and part of the family.

Glad to hear you are out there and that your husband sees your daughter as part of the family. I was starting to lose hope.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:47

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:43

So the OP isn’t allowed to parent her baby in the way she chooses because the priority should be her SD?

Aparantly so. I had similar from my DSC's mum who told DH if we wanted eldest DSC to be happy with DC's arrival we should let them bathe them and bottle feed them...

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:48

There are many different ways to be part of a family.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:48

Midlifemusings · 22/05/2022 19:46

I think you and I are the only ones on this thread that see step kids as family members and part of the family.

Glad to hear you are out there and that your husband sees your daughter as part of the family. I was starting to lose hope.

Show quote history

They are part of the family. But family means many different things.

Youseethethingis1 · 22/05/2022 19:50

Still the refusal to accept the difference between being a resident step parent with a say and non resident step parent with no say.
How tedious.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:50

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:42

Yes but then his contact arrangement and maintenance should be made around this with the dsc's mother

Show quote history

Which it was. The husband was collecting the child after work and bringing her home. OP offered to collect the child.
Maybe the child’s mum is the one being inflexible about the Saturday.

It just seems classic mumsnet pile on of the man is automatically shit because he is a man.

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:52

My nephews are part of my family. I am not obligated to look after them while my sister works though.

My BIL is part of my family. I don’t see him as my own brother. That would be weird

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:53

To me there is no difference. When the child is at the nrp house then they should act as a unit no differently to how it works in the resident house.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:53

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:50

Which it was. The husband was collecting the child after work and bringing her home. OP offered to collect the child.
Maybe the child’s mum is the one being inflexible about the Saturday.

It just seems classic mumsnet pile on of the man is automatically shit because he is a man.

Show quote history

Ah yes I agree with you there. OP's time doing the favour is up and it can go back to their original plan until the driving ban is sorted and he can insure the car again. It's not that big a deal and leaves OP out of it all.

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:54

Not because he’s a man. He’s being criticised because he only has overnight contact one measly night a week, has a driving ban so can’t pick his daughter up, and is leaving an exhausted mother of a baby to do all the work for him.

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:55

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:53

To me there is no difference. When the child is at the nrp house then they should act as a unit no differently to how it works in the resident house.

Have you tried doing that when the RP acts as senior parent over the NRP and the SP has literally no say in how things must be done?

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2022 19:56

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:53

To me there is no difference. When the child is at the nrp house then they should act as a unit no differently to how it works in the resident house.

But you don't actually have any experience of that situation...

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:57

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:52

My nephews are part of my family. I am not obligated to look after them while my sister works though.

My BIL is part of my family. I don’t see him as my own brother. That would be weird

My DSC would be like "whhhaaa" (I believe the term is) if I treated them like my own kids and hugged them and their mum would flip if I started doing their washing and ironing.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:57

How do you know I don’t have any experience?

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:58

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:54

Not because he’s a man. He’s being criticised because he only has overnight contact one measly night a week, has a driving ban so can’t pick his daughter up, and is leaving an exhausted mother of a baby to do all the work for him.

This is also true. Its not the penis that is the problem here, its the attitude.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2022 19:58

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 19:57

How do you know I don’t have any experience?

Because you said you were the RP and your DH was the SP.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:59

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 19:55

Have you tried doing that when the RP acts as senior parent over the NRP and the SP has literally no say in how things must be done?

Show quote history

Ahhh this was so my life about 2/3 years ago until I just gave up and tried to disengage from it all.

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 22/05/2022 20:00

@candlesandpitchforks Yeah I know you were quoting as I couldn't find the original comment!

@Midlifemusings Ok, I see what you were saying now. It's actually nice to read someone has considered that my partner isn't disinterested in his daughter. He's far from it, I wouldn't have got involved with him if he were. I don't think he is at all a deadbeat, he works long hours and he can't change his shifts. He's tried. What he can do is TOIL them, take manager approved leave, and holidays. He does use all those avenues very often to spend time with his kids, and tries his best to see DSD more than once a week. She opts out of coming here sometimes to see her cousins and grandparents instead, and so he goes to their houses to see her. He isn't great with money, but he pays his ex more CM than what the CMS say he owes and we pay for her bedroom here, too.

OP posts:
RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 20:00

I’ve been a step parent in the past, in fact I still see him regularly even though I’m not with his dad anymore.

Youseethethingis1 · 22/05/2022 20:00

That is so unrealistic. You are basically saying that OP should be dictated to by her DH and his ex. They make the decisions about contact, what suits or doesn't suit them and their DD, as they should as the parents. OP doesn't get to be part of this unit, as she is expected to be there and provide regardless of whether it suits her or not, as long as it suits the parenting unit.
If you behaved in any way like this towards your husband it would be considered controlling and abusive, as nobody should live like that full time. I hope very much he has some agency in his own home and how you run your family unit.
As it's only once a week or EOW or whatever, non resident step parents are expected to just suck up whatever the parenting unit decides. This is where the problem lies.

cansu · 22/05/2022 20:01

Your partner really needs to make more time for his dd. If I was the dad's mum I would be passed off at never getting a night other than a Sunday off.

SoggyPaper · 22/05/2022 20:03

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:57

My DSC would be like "whhhaaa" (I believe the term is) if I treated them like my own kids and hugged them and their mum would flip if I started doing their washing and ironing.

Show quote history

Indeed.

But hey, the actual realities of kids who have a mother and don’t want another one are less important than the pretence that it’s all about treating them as your own and like a seamless family.

Its not coincidental that it’s easier to treat them like they are yours if you are a resident stepfather, given how Lola the bar for fathering is generally.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 22/05/2022 20:05

Youseethethingis1 · 22/05/2022 20:00

That is so unrealistic. You are basically saying that OP should be dictated to by her DH and his ex. They make the decisions about contact, what suits or doesn't suit them and their DD, as they should as the parents. OP doesn't get to be part of this unit, as she is expected to be there and provide regardless of whether it suits her or not, as long as it suits the parenting unit.
If you behaved in any way like this towards your husband it would be considered controlling and abusive, as nobody should live like that full time. I hope very much he has some agency in his own home and how you run your family unit.
As it's only once a week or EOW or whatever, non resident step parents are expected to just suck up whatever the parenting unit decides. This is where the problem lies.

That’s not what I’m saying at all!

im just saying the maybe the op’s husband isn’t the piece of shit everyone is making him out to be, and the fact that Op OFFERED to start collecting the child. If she wants to change that that’s completely up to her, I was just forwarning how these little changes can come across to a young child and how this may effect the relationship going forward.

Personally, I wouldn’t see a few hours once a week temporarily until the husbands ban is up as something worth either buggering up the relationship over or having a young child going back to using public transport with her dad late at night.

I’m actually on op and her husbands side here.

Youseethethingis1 · 22/05/2022 20:09

@RibNSaucyArseCrack
Your opening statement was to compare your DH, who lives with your child and is part of her everyday life with OP, who sees this child once per week on a timetable decided by everyone else except her.
It sort of looks like that's exactly what you were saying, sorry if I got you wrong.