To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Just wondering what your comment is actually trying to achieve ?

Op has clearly clearly asked for advice on a topic unrelated to the tread you keep mentioning to cause drama.

Have some empathy abs stop trying to kick someone when they are down, and instead use that energy to examine why completely justified comment OPs made needled you since it wasn't at you.

Wasn't at you*

I hate Mns lastest update

I am not trying to do any such thing

i cant get my head around being worried about sleep when a few weeks ago you were worried about your husband shouting at your baby; manhandling him to a high chair (7 months old!) and trying to discipline

i just can’t.

Ultimately
i find the image of a 7 month old baby being shouted at and manhandled, to the extent his mother starts a thread expressing her deep concern about her ex (because last month he was her ex) really disturbing and upsetting. Especially when I imagine seeing my children being treated like that when such a young baby

@Intrigueddotcom yes but the title of this post is about her DSC and childcare expectations

She wasn't asking about that incident and has specifically asked for advice on completely unrelated topic.

If you wish to be horrified about that thread and have shared the link mum please times may I direct you back to it ? Share your horror on the relevant thread.

Also as much as I don't condone DH actions on that thread, wanting saying no to a toddler and a wanting to put them in a high chair are isn't the crime of the century. Baby weaning is hard and many people struggle with it, it's foolish to think you can convince a toddler to eat food they don't want to by saying no and it is expected the toddler will throw the food around and parents will be exhausted and frustrated by this. We have all had moments of frustration and not done the right thing.

But OP wasn't doing this it was her DH. He is responsible for his actions, such as he is here.

Let's not make out he's beating the child. But let's say DH was beating the child, and a abuser. I'm not sure still how shaming/victim blaming a struggling mum is going to help. If you were really horrified so much by this thread and if you are concerned about the children. I would expect a much more empathetic response. Knowing that victim blaming and shaming is going to do little to help OP.

Ah right

ok - ignore OP’s concerns about her husband shouting and rough handling (she started the thread, not me!) because of the title of the thread

okay

Wanting to put them in a high chair?

did you read the thread?

he shouts repeatedly at his 7month old
tries to actually discipline
and op, who witnessed it, hates how he manhandles the baby roughly in to the high chair

but you have reworded the OP’s very own thread to now him just wanting to sit his son to sit in a high chair

I am not shaming the op

I am saying that there are bigger issues re his parenting than sleep/DSD issue!

@Intrigueddotcom people read and interpret what they read to their own manner because it's the forum.

Bit like you avoided my comments on about why are you bringing op a thread re OP DC when she asked specifically about childcare and DSC and OP has repeatedly asked you to stop or at least comment on the actual topic of this thread . And repeatedly you have ignored it, linked it and raised it repeatedly to and it's been discussed to death

Almost like you are doing it for the drama and trying to railroad the topic 🙄

OPs partner is no prince just alone based on this thread. Anyone can read that and the comments a horrible read for OP already. However OPs DH isn't the only one based on some of the comments on here who may need to review adjust their behaviours going forward not coming across very well either.

I know it's MN and internet so you can be a 🔔 end to people on the internet. It doesn't mean you should be...

It's almost like I'm suggesting to go back to the thread you kindly went to historically search, find and linked (you who isn't the OP) and comment there about your horror.

Because your derailing a thread and offering 0 advice on the topic that's completely unrelated is just a bit odd.

I think the fact the OP started the thread about her concerns re her husbands treatment of her baby, the only person on this thread who actually was present, has completely escaped you

My exP thinks he needs to learn to stay still though, and will shout 'NO' and 'STOP' at him constantly throughout a nappy change

**this comes after he tries to force our son in his high chair”

”he will shout “STOP” during happy changes”**

he should be “punished”

This is a 7 month old

If you had commented on the relevant thread, and not been quite so judgemental, I would happily talk about that issue with you. You've gone about things in a difficult and unpleasant way, so you're not really someone I want to engage with. That's all I've got to say to you about that. Thank you for your time though. If you want people to engage with you in future, try using some empathy and understanding. You'll be happier for it, I assure you!

I did comment, different name. I was very supportive and like the majority advised you that you were absolutely right to be very concerned.

Will hide this thread now as genuinely find the idea of a 7 month old being repeatedly shouted out and his father wanting to “punish him” really disturbing

Will hide this thread now as genuinely find the idea of a 7 month old being repeatedly shouted out and his father wanting to “punish him” really disturbing

Will hide this thread now as genuinely find the idea of a 7 month old being repeatedly shouted out and his father wanting to “punish him” really disturbinG

Hide it already. Jesus.

In what universe is a given at SFs take on responsibility for their stepchildren (other than maybe paying for them where they’ve elected to have a relationship with a SAHM in benefits or a similar set of circumstances)?

Look at how low the bar in society and MN is for fathers. They’re often described as ‘helping out’ with or ‘babysitting’ their own children! Treated like heroes for taking the toddler to the park. So it’s hardly surprising if a stepfather reaches that pathetic threshold of ‘responsibility’.

And, even then, many just do not. The might be friendly and kind but they are pretty hands off.

It’s stepmothers who are berated for not doing the childcare or household labour on behalf of the children’s father. Regularly. Routinely. What would be wifework elsewhere gets translated into some dreadful moral imperative; the SM is obligated to take on all the responsibility for everything because her partner had children when she met them.

Where she also had children from previous relationships, the sense of obligation and levels of effort expected are not reciprocated. He’s not expected to offer childcare, do their washing, cook them dinner, clean their bedrooms and so on. Because he’s a man.

This is generally true even where the woman is not financially dependent on him. It’s not unusual for it to be her house they live in, or a house funded with her assets they buy. It’s not unusual for her to earn similar amounts or more than him, even before you factor in the direction of travel for child maintenance.

So that takes away the ‘he’s fulfilling his responsibilities by having a job’ argument.

The simple fact is, you do not take on parental responsibilities unless you adopt a child. That’s not mere pedantry or a matter of scale. It’s a huge difference in kind. The child has parents and you have to defer to them and their choices for their children. The flip side is you are not responsible. Whatever you do is helping out or doing them a favour.

many stepfamilies would work much better if the parents were more grateful and less entitled.

Totally agree. Poor little girl will know you’re not interested now you have your own child. I’m speaking as a step mother. You can’t just opt out because you feel differently.

Also @DonnyBurrito I Hope your baby is doing better. Croup is horrible and can be really scary.

I held my baby and breastslept and all that stuff, and had a kinds of crap from
various quarters. Including his bloody awful father who started berating me for not expressing milk so he could play around at bottle feeding a 3 day old baby. As always, he gave no thought to DS’s needs or my needs. It was all about what he wanted, regardless of that making extra work for me and being counterproductive to establishing breastfeeding.

You’re right to ignore it all and do what is best for your baby. Other people can make different choices for themselves.

Insisting that you should stop breastfeeding or cosleeping on the basis that your SD might be emotionally harmed is a manipulative, nasty and downright inaccurate thing to do. Posters doing it should be ashamed of themselves.

Presumably she’s damaged beyond redemption since her own father isn’t spending the time with her then?

Children understand situations differently depending on how you approach it. Frankly reorganising contact so that she gets more time with her dad is a positive thing. And frees up her SM to just drop in and out in positive ways.

I think if her dad is not getting in until 9.30/10pm and she is only 7 then surely the best scenario would be collecting her the next morning?

Presumably he is getting no/hardly any time with her on the Friday night and it's just causing stress for you.

I'd say I'd start picking her up first thing on Saturday instead, and then she can stay Saturday night when her dad is actually around to spend time with her and help you.

😂

A nail in the coffin of her family relationships, more like. Callous, totally self-absorbed people are not usually well-liked.