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Original poster

To not want to look after DSD on my own?

443 replies

DonnyBurrito · 21/05/2022 21:06

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

OP posts:
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whowhatwerewhy · 23/05/2022 08:23

motogirl · 23/05/2022 08:19

Yanbu but there's a solution, have a movie night, let her play on her tablet etc. she's not a baby. It was exhausting when I had a newborn and autistic 2 year old, but i like everyone else coped by taking short cuts. Plus perhaps it's a case of not every week

This

candlesandpitchforks · 23/05/2022 08:23

@Intrigueddotcom but still felt the need to post 😂😂😂

Sure hun sure 🤣

candlesandpitchforks · 23/05/2022 08:25

motogirl · 23/05/2022 08:19

Yanbu but there's a solution, have a movie night, let her play on her tablet etc. she's not a baby. It was exhausting when I had a newborn and autistic 2 year old, but i like everyone else coped by taking short cuts. Plus perhaps it's a case of not every week

Agree with this. Most mums take short cuts to cope and DSC is probably at a age that down time after school is a plus.

Also it won't be forever and might give you a break if DP can't change shifts.

ilovemyboys3 · 23/05/2022 08:25

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 22/05/2022 09:30

It used to fuck me off royally when DD went to her father's and his gf used to be with DD on her own. Not because of the gf, but if I'm giving up time with DD, it is not so she can hang out with a random woman, it was to spend time with her father.
Your 'dp' sounds like a right catch. Shit dad, driving ban. Nice.

Completely agree with this and hate it when this happens to me. If my son isn't with his dad then he should be spending time with me, not left with a gf!

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 08:47

Yep

CallMeNutribullet · 23/05/2022 09:07

Sounds like you have had a child with an irresponsible man who already isn't a good dad op.

It's not your responsibility to look after your SD but it's SD and her mum I feel sorry for in all of this.

CallMeNutribullet · 23/05/2022 09:25

Sorry op, I've just read another of your posts. Why did you get back with this man? You've had to pay a year's rent up front out of your own money because he has ccjs. He has a driving ban, his family are toxic, he shouts at your infant son, he eats all the snacks in the house, he's a rubbish father to his existing child. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

SoggyPaper · 23/05/2022 12:34

She’s paid a year’s rent up front? So he’s not actually working to house his children then. The OP is housing him, their child, her SC and herself while on maternity leave!

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 12:38

CallMeNutribullet · 23/05/2022 09:25

Sorry op, I've just read another of your posts. Why did you get back with this man? You've had to pay a year's rent up front out of your own money because he has ccjs. He has a driving ban, his family are toxic, he shouts at your infant son, he eats all the snacks in the house, he's a rubbish father to his existing child. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

Exactly

a PP didn’t think it was relevant?!

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 12:38

This SC issue is a drop in the ocean

I don’t think the op will be back

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 17:35

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 12:38

This SC issue is a drop in the ocean

I don’t think the op will be back

I've seen you pop up a couple of times on different threads today, trying to trip up the OP and just generally being unpleasant. Is this something you would like to explain? Why are you hellbent on being contrary and unpleasant on an Internet forum? Are you really this bored by life...?

OP posts:
Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 17:37

So you haven’t told him

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 17:37

You said you had a partner problem op.

not me. You

DoubleGauze · 23/05/2022 17:53

Fwiw @DonnyBurrito I don't think most pps are being unpleasant. I'm aware that I can't speak for everyone , but what I see is general frustration that you can't see that your husband is the issue. His financial situation , his driving ban , his attitude to your tiredness...he's like a kid op.

Imagine being on your own and not having to worry about any of this. Possibly even (if you wish to) one day meeting someone that has their shit together and is financially responsible , someone that you don't have to pick up after all of the time and that doesn't clear the cupboards of snack food and break other people's belongings.

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 17:54

WarOnSlugs · 23/05/2022 01:31

Everyone here is a stranger. What is the point if your post at all if you do not want the opinions of strangers? Or do you only wish to hear the opinions of the strangers who agree with you? Confused

Show quote history

I asked for opinions, yep! I have every right to say no thank you and be polite about that if I don't agree with the opinions/advice, though. Which I did, but you didnt like your advice not being taken, so then you started to hound me about it. To be honest you clearly lost the plot a bit with your comment with all the italics insinuating that I didn't give a shit about DSD if I didn't start expressing/sleep training DS, etc. You are one of those people who go around being rude and judgmental but think saying "well it's just my opinion" makes it okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 19:25

DoubleGauze · 23/05/2022 17:53

Fwiw @DonnyBurrito I don't think most pps are being unpleasant. I'm aware that I can't speak for everyone , but what I see is general frustration that you can't see that your husband is the issue. His financial situation , his driving ban , his attitude to your tiredness...he's like a kid op.

Imagine being on your own and not having to worry about any of this. Possibly even (if you wish to) one day meeting someone that has their shit together and is financially responsible , someone that you don't have to pick up after all of the time and that doesn't clear the cupboards of snack food and break other people's belongings.

I completely agree, most people have been very generous in taking the time to explain their varied opinions in a kind or at least objective way, and I have taken the advice I think could work for me personally and will put it to use. Some people have got a bit too invested and have been unpleasant. Easily done with subjects like these, but it is tedious.

And yeah, honestly... some days I honestly despair with him and I do fantasise about a better life. He can be a selfish man, it's frustrating. I know people want me to answer for all of his crimes on this thread and justify my relationship with him, which I think is understandable when people are offering emotional support and advice out of the kindness of their hearts. However, I have agreed to try and make this relationship to work, but I'm not looking for relationship advice here. I was interested in the thoughts of other step parents regarding a particular issue. That's all.

OP posts:
Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 19:35

Op a few weeks ago you were very concerned about your ex shouting at his baby son and roughly forcing him in to a high chair.

7 months old

if you don’t think that it is “unpleasant” for a poster to raise this then well, no words so I’ll bow out

candlesandpitchforks · 23/05/2022 22:45

@DonnyBurrito it's a bit mad you even have to explain yourself and why you posted but here we are.

I personally feel like this board should come with a warning that some posters have their own issues they haven't resolved so come along and will batter you because it gives them a sense of release. Same posters again over and over and it's incredibly dull.

It's best to starve them of oxygen and just don't respond. Like that annoying/rude person at a party making rude/unkind comments, nod, make the right noises but quietly letting them know you do not give a fcuk.

It's also kind you asked about your DSD, regardless of what other may have said it's clear you care a lot about her. Apply that same kindness to yourself as both mum and a step mum.

WarOnSlugs · 23/05/2022 23:44

I am not obligated to spend time with my nephew. If I look after him, I am helping my sister out. It’s an important difference.

What? It's not "helping your sister out" to spend time with your own nephew. Surely any normal person would want to build a relationship with their nephew and not view it as a favour to his parents? What a warped way to view the children in your family, as some kind of inconvenience. It's not "histrionics" to note the very obvious fact that views like this are bizarre and very unpleasant. And that children are fully aware when adults regard them in this manner.

WarOnSlugs · 23/05/2022 23:48

Ok then OP. So, ask for advice. Get advice. Get cross that you don't like the advice. Get defensive and argue with the posters who point out that what you are doing is silly and then try to make out they are being unkind for commenting on the situation that you decided to post about.

Makes a lot of sense! Grin

Youseethethingis1 · 24/05/2022 05:13

It is not abnormal, warped or unpleasant to be realistic about the fact that nobody in the world has to provide anyone else childcare, which isn't the same thing as spending time with a child.
My brother has spent loads of time with my son and they adore each other. He has never looked after him on his own though and if he did it would be a favour to me, his sister, to take on that responsibility.
He doesn't owe me and I'd be grateful for the help, not huffing that I was always entitled to it anyway because "surely you want to spend time with your nephew" and all that manipulative bullshit.

WarOnSlugs · 24/05/2022 05:30

I think that is the fundamental disagreement here: you view spending time with any child who you are not the parent of as "childcare".

Childcare is usually how people refer to unrelated people (nannies, nursery, childminders etc) looking after children as a job.

Is it not a normal way to refer to spending time with your own relatives. And no, it isn't a "favour" to the parents of the child. These are children who are part of your family, for goodness sake. Not an inconvenient chore. Referring to spending time with them without the parents present as a "favour" implies that you'd expect the parents to be grateful to you for doing this and view these children as an annoying intrusion into your life rather than people in their own right who you should enjoy being around. It is a really strange and unpleasant attitude.

WarOnSlugs · 24/05/2022 05:35

It's not about anybody "owing" anybody anything either. It's just very weird to think kids should only spend time with nannies, childminders etc or their parents and that any time with other family is some kind of imposition and a "favour" to the parents. 😆🤯

Youseethethingis1 · 24/05/2022 06:10

You are correct. This is a fundamental disagreement.

I think it's clear that you are a very entitled person with no sense of other people's boundaries or lives outside you and your children, nor do you have any sense of perspective or appreciation of the many places a relationship between relatives can go between "at beck and call of parents at all times else they will think I'm warped for having my own shit to do" and "complete disinterest in anyone else and I'll make damn sure they know about it".
We will never agree.

OhJanet · 24/05/2022 07:43

Youseethethingis1 · 24/05/2022 06:10

You are correct. This is a fundamental disagreement.

I think it's clear that you are a very entitled person with no sense of other people's boundaries or lives outside you and your children, nor do you have any sense of perspective or appreciation of the many places a relationship between relatives can go between "at beck and call of parents at all times else they will think I'm warped for having my own shit to do" and "complete disinterest in anyone else and I'll make damn sure they know about it".
We will never agree.

Nail - head. 👏