To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

How can you spend time with a child without looking after them? What do you do, ignore and neglect them?

Oh great, you're here 🙄

It wouldn't happen, because these are in fact totally normal ways to describe looking after ANY children that aren't yours, including family.

No, they are not. Unless you have a very warped idea of what "family" means.

Oh FFS. It is totally normal for a grandparent to call looking after their grandchild a favour or childcare.

Your level of entitlement and delusion is absolutely staggering and an enormous waste of everyone's time.

The thing that crushes any possible joy out of a stepparenting situation (and replaces it with frustration, anger, resentment and all that is bad) is insisting that it’s an obligation and responsibility. Without any authority whatsoever. Indeed, greater obligation and responsibility than the children’s parents.

What an utterly ridiculous comment. As if anybody expects a step-parent to take more responsibility than a parent?!?

Some of these posts are beyond absurd.

If a parent doesn't step up for a child, and care for them and provide for them properly, that is their failure as a parent. They should put their child first above any partner. If you can’t do that, don’t have kids.

But it’s also fucked up to marry someone with existing kids and have this attitude to your step-children. Nobody forces you to marry someone with children. The children have no choice. If want no kids in your life or aren't prepared to accept they need to be prioritised or that all children in a family should be treated equally then don’t marry someone with kids. Date people without kids.

I get SO pissed off at adults who think children should suffer for the dynamics of their adult relationships and can’t comprehend that children have NO CHOICES so come first and if you can’t do that, keep out of their lives. Don’t have them and don’t start relationships with people who have them.

They also want to do it because they enjoy spending time with him but they don't HAVE to because he's not their responsibility he's mine... Ergo a favour.

Something not being a responsibility or obligation doesn't necessarily make it a favour to somebody else. These are not atonyms.

Entitled much?

Nope!

@SoggyPaper Thank you, he does seem to be a lot better today, but it's only really flaring up at its worst at 11pm onward. So we shall see...

It's easy to suggest expressing, but it's like... when, though? Do you purposefully skip a feed to pump? What do they have instead? Or do you try to pump a bit after a feed, and just try and gradually collect a feed .5 of an oz at a time? 😩 Formula digests differently doesn't it, so introducing that can throw things off... And then getting them into accepting both bottles and breast equally is pretty hard, if not impossible. And I did express and combi fed for the first 4 months, and then stopped bottles because it was too much hard work doing both... mentally and physically. People say bottle feeding makes it easier for others to look after the baby to give you a break... but if that's only a few hours a week, it means so much more work for the one doing the rest of the feeds!

Why can't OP take a step back if there is no expectation that she is more responsible than the parent?
What was the point of this thread?
Why should she be prioritising the DSC over everyone else if it's so ridiculous an idea but at the same time fucked up if she doesn't?
I think you need a lie down.

I think you need to work on your reading comprehension.

I think you need to work on your critical thinking before you spew your bile.

How funny!

No, critical thinking just fine thanks. No bile. Just rational views that the OP didn't like, and lots of irrational diatribe received in response.

Whatever you need to do to make yourselves feel better about selfish behaviour that negatively impacts children, eh?

I just dont get this. Its once a week for maybe 2 hours after your DS is asleep. If you couldn't make that level of effort for my child I would reflect on my relationship with you. Having a baby is hard and exhausting and yes there is a period where you feel like you cant give to anyone else but you still can. You dont need to bake and play board games. Start a tradition of a film together or something more relaxing. Suggest she reads or plays herself you dont have to be a professional entertainer.

The irony of you posting this.

I can see you unhide it 🙄

@WarOnSlugs Just rational views that the OP didn't like, and lots of irrational diatribe received in response

Said the poster who after telling the op to stop breast feeding and put the baby down and look after DSC instead or naturally OP hates DSD and she would be permanently scarred

Yes utter madness the comments you have received 🙄

You said you were gonna hide the thread. It seems you have found it again.. second times a charm ? 😒

Slugs, you're projecting quite a bit, aren't you? You actually instructed me to negatively impact my son by meddling with night feeds and so on. You're the only person that has harped on about this course of action being the only way to prove I care about DSD. Everyone else has unanimously said my partner needs to sort this out with his ex, and/or I need to stop all the baking/games/crafts etc and just chill whilst watching a movie with DSD instead. Which I have repeatedly said I am going to try before calling off the entire arrangement.

I think you need join dotcom and hide this thread.

@tootiredtospeak It's 4/5 hours actually as I pick her up at 5pm, sometimes earlier. Obviously my 9 month old doesn't help me look after her? So it's getting DS ready and bundled into the car for an hour long trip, which he inevitably gets pissed off during, then when we get back I quickly make 2 different teas for them both (sometimes 3 if DS refuses something, I try an alternative) and cleaning all that up, getting DS bathed then dressed for bed, nursed and asleep... all whilst trying not to just focus on him, keeping DSD entertained and looked after and setting her up to spend some time on her own while I get DS to sleep... Then coming down and watching the monitor, sometimes going up to resettle, whilst she's continually asking me to bake/play games/do an activity with her. Then getting a 7 year old who doesn't want to go to bed ready for bed...

It's a lot tbh, but I'm not doing the driving anymore and I'm going to utilise the TV a lot more from now on.

I can see you unhide it 🙄

What on Earth does this mean?!

I never told the OP to "put her baby down" or "stop breastfeeding" 🙄🙄🙄

I also never said I was going to hide the thread.

I think you must be getting different posters confused. As I said before: sort out your reading comprehension before attacking people with false accusations.

Slugs, you're projecting quite a bit, aren't you? You actually instructed me to negatively impact my son by meddling with night feeds and so on. You're the only person that has harped on about this course of action being the only way to prove I care about DSD. Everyone else has unanimously said my partner needs to sort this out with his ex, and/or I need to stop all the baking/games/crafts etc and just chill whilst watching a movie with DSD instead. Which I have repeatedly said I am going to try before calling off the entire arrangement.

1. Nothing to project

2. I have at no point said "meddling" with your son is the only way to show you care about DSD.

3. I was one of the people who suggested you just have a simple movie night with her as it would be so easy!

Honestly, people here are mad.

Drama lllama. Sorry but, you're describing many mothers' normal evening. If you weren't up for dealing with kids then why move in with a man with kids and have yet another kid to add to the mix?

Weird.

why is it not the father’s responsibility to do this one evening and bedtime a week?

There’s a big difference between ‘dealing with kids’ alongside their parent and doing it for them. The subtlety and nuance will be lost on you though.

Stop doing all that. If you're going to make dinner make one dinner for a start. You're not a personal chef.

I get what your saying but ultimately it comes down to the fact that she isnt yours so all of a sudden this seems like an imposition. If this was your own elder child this would be a daily reality and that might be worth considering if you want to have anymore. She isnt yours I get it and you dont have to do it it just doesn't sound that hard to me for one day a week to keep a bond that you have worked hard to create. I am not a SP I am your DH in this equation I met my current partner when my DS was 6. We have 2 children together now so 3 in total and since we had the second that's our daily life. My DS lived with us and maybe that is just the difference but I never ever felt like he was an inconvenience and that he put my DP out. If I had felt that I wouldn't have carried on with the relationship. You have to do for your partner the same stuff you would do to make any relationship work. Compromise. I cant imagine anything worse than having a relationship with someone who is all about your kid and sees them as a seperate entity. They are part of me, a package you choose me you choose both or walk away.

My DS lived with us and maybe that is just the difference but I never ever felt like he was an inconvenience and that he put my DP out
I think you're right with this.
The reality for OP is that her DSC is there one night a week (without her dad present), and all the fetching and carrying and catering does put her and her baby out of their routine. She doesn't live there, there's not the familiarity between them as people or the child and the home as there is at the child's main home.
This is why I find comparisons with resident step parents a bit false.

You know what, this thread and a few other recent threads about SC has helped clarify a few things... so I'll summarise;

Yes, I described a normal MOTHERS evening with TWO kids. I am only a mother to ONE kid. As I am not her mother (not legally, or in any other way) I don't actually HAVE to do this. Mums of two kids actually HAVE to do this regardless of how much hard work it is, and if it's burning them out, because they CHOSE to literally birth two children. I haven't birthed two children. Lots of women on here complain about having two (or more) because of how much hard work it is. Do you also comment on their posts saying "Well if you didn't want two kids, why did you have two kids? Weird." Although, considering the type of poster you are, I bet you would 🤦‍♀️

It is a FAVOUR to her actual MOTHER and FATHER that I've been looking after their daughter so that her mum can go out earlier on Saturday night, and her dad can work Saturday night. Not an obligation, not something their daughter NEEDS from me in order to not have a mental breakdown in the future. I did this favour while it worked for me, it no longer does, so now it has changed (although not completely). If her actual MOTHER or FATHER feels THEIR child will be negatively impacted by this change, it is up to THEM to figure out how to stop that impact. They can do this either by not going out on a Saturday evening, or by not working a Saturday evening. It's not my responsility to provide unpaid childcare if I really don't want to. And yes, it is childcare.

I never used to do any childcare like this for DSD on my own before I had DS, btw. She always was/is with both me and her dad, and we spent lots of quality time together as a 3, and now as a 4.

So why all of a sudden, now I have a baby of my own, am I obligated to morally adopt her? I do think of her as part of my family, but I am NOT her mother and as she is only here one day a week, it would be nuts to even pretend to be anywhere close to that figure for her. Just because I am in a relationship with her dad does NOT make me her MOTHER. Upholding this myth is what is causing all the guilt and frustration in this situation.

Ultimately, it is important to me that she wakes up with us on a Sunday and has a family morning with us, so I've made adjustments to the original arrangement.

And yeah, you said if I wasn't willing to stop night feeding (which was making me feel like proving unpaid childcare for my partner and his ex was too much for me due to being so tired) then I didn't love or care about my SD. Crazy suggestion.

Thank you for helping me solidify my position on this. Take care, now!