To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

@Youseethethingis1

That isn't what I asked. You said that people were refusing to see the difference between non resident step parent and resident step parent, and I genuinely can't really see the difference, hence my question.

I would say I probably have the same level of a say as my dsd's step dad has, who is technically the 'resident step parent'. For example, DH will come to me and say 'ExP has just text, DD wants to go to town on her own with her friends this weekend for the first time, what do you think?' or, 'I was thinking of signing DD up to summer golf camp, do you think she'd like it?' etc.

I don't think either me or her step dad at her mums would have a deciding vote on anything, but as important adults in her life, who both nurture her, care for her, provide for her we should, and do, have an input. I signed dsd up for a club that she wanted to go to, which I previously done. It was a simple conversation with DH along the lines of 'dsd mentioned that she wants to start hobby, I've said I'll take her to try it out on Wednesday night' and that was fine

When me and her dad got into a serious relationship I accepted a responsibility towards her, and my DH accepted that with that, I will have a level of input over her upbringing (subject to his and her mums views being the default position)

Again not having a go at you. Sleep deprivation is hard. I am just trying to get you to see it from DSD's perspective (both now and when she is older). She is a child and deserves protection and to be treated kindly just as much as your son does.

It sounds like you've built a great relationship with her. Don't trash is just because your son is going through a sleep regression. Your partner needs to work with you on a solution that makes things better for you, and at least the same for DSD but ideally better for her also. That is totally doable, you've had many suggestions of different ways to tackle that. So please do that rather than alienating her and making her feel like she's not really part of your family.

@whatthehelldowecare
That's your situation with a whole half days difference between each parents house, which is a different scenario again from being a full time step parent (as in all in, little or no contact with other bio parent, fully inhabiting the parental role with the blessing of your partner and the children) or an NRP step parent (EOW, 1 night, whatever that looks like in your set up).
As an EOW step parent, it would never enter my head to sign DSD up for anything like a hobby on a Wednesday night. It would be a massive overstep and not my place at all. I'd be expecting to make decision and for DSDs mother to change her life to accommodate it. Totally unreasonable, which is why it's never been even a vague notion for me.
I have however arranged adhoc surprise trips on DHs time for us to do as a family. No expectation that anyone else will pay for or otherwise facilitate them, just a nice thing to do.
That's the difference.

Another vote for if I did half the stuff suggested on this thread my DSC mum would go bananas. Literally bananas.

OP please ignore the people who manage to turn you having a baby into something that you should feel guilty for as you have purposely set out to destroy DSC life by giving birth or who imply subtly or otherwise you are undeserving of a break. People don't like blended families and have lots of thoughts on it (more so when I was growing up in one it would appear). The wicked stepmother narrative is boring but people do cling to it.

It's ok to say no, your a sm not a sub human who doesn't have to say ok enough. Every mum I know needs a break now and then, it's ok to say no.

@WarOnSlugs You have decided, because I have chosen not to disrupt my infant sons sleeping habits when there are viable alternatives, that I don't understand or care for the mental health of my DSD. It's a bit of a leap. You wrote a very critical and judgemental comment before, and seem to be backtracking since I called you out on it. I suggest you opt out of commenting further, as you have got way too invested in this. I make this mistake too when commenting on something close to my heart, as we all have our biases.

I'd already said I am going to try to scale things back a bit before putting a stop to having her 1-2-1. Thanks for commenting.

Thank you for all your input, it is very much appreciated

Yep. If you would do something that you have just mentioned my damage your DSD emotionally, or your long-term relationship with her, because you don't want to change the sleep routine of your 9 month old son, then I think that reinforces everything I have said. Get some perspective here. Babies' sleep routines NEED to change regardless as they get older or go through different stages, as you know now as a parent of a 9 month old.

Things have to adapt over time. For his needs and DSD's needs, so that the needs of both of the children in the family are met. And yours also. You have massively avoided the questions about why your partner is not ensuring you get more sleep (breastfeeding isn't a reason for that 🤣 many people breastfeed and still work out sleep arrangements so both people have enough sleep to function).

Focus on sorting the arrangements with your partner regarding sharing night shifts with DS and him arranging contact hours for DSD for times he will be home.

As I said before, your DSD sounds lovely and like she has accepted you and her new sibling as part of her family. Extend her the same coutesy and respect. Treat her equally to your son. You don't have to love her as much, or do anywhere near as much for her. Nobody has asked you to do anything like that as far as I can see? But if you marry someone with a child and have another child with them then you are committing yourself to a blended family so yeah, you need to make decisions with an equal regard for how they will affect her and your DS. She is a little kid. You are adults. Behave like it.

@WarOnSlugs No. Thanks, though.

That's very sad. And will be sad for both of the children, in the long run. Bad decision OP, when you could just ask your partner to step up and start doing his share of parenting your son together. The issue here isn't you doing 3 hours of step-parenting per week and your frustration is directed at the wrong person.

Everyone here is a stranger. What is the point if your post at all if you do not want the opinions of strangers? Or do you only wish to hear the opinions of the strangers who agree with you?

But on a thread you started LAST MONTH

yoi refer to him as your “ex”

say that he is financially benefiting from the fleece

and you say you are very worried about his parenting approach with your BABY because he SHOUTS and manhandled him in to his high chair

aa I say upthread

a shit show for all the poor children involved

@Intrigueddotcom

I have to agree with you .
Op state's she's put herself out for 3 months, but also in this time they break up for a few weeks , and have had a previous split.

This doesn't sound like a stable home .

I think you need to address the guiltripping from your DP tbh. It's not on. You've been doing him a huge favour and now you want to stop he's trying to guilt you into carrying on.

@Intrigueddotcom I read that thread and although DP actions didn't appear great your over egging it a bit for the drama and excluding parts. It's also zero relevance to OPs question re should she continue to do childcare for DSC asking for a bit of support.

Bit weird to repeatedly mention it and purposely find it to post on this thread imo.

Needless to say are you gonna offer any advice or just keep yelling this isn't a happy home and brining you a old post.

Bring up a old post*

Dammed phone

It is absolutely relevant
a mere few weeks ago - the OP and her husband had split up, weren’t living together and the Op was posting about her ex benefiting financially from the split and in another thread criticising her parenting

so this issue the op posts about should be seen in the wider context of a relationship clearly riddled with issues asides from the SC issue

It’s like starting a thread on a paper cut
when you were diagnosed with a terminal illness 4 weeks ago

As for me over egging the issue re how the dh shouts at his baby son

it wasn’t me that started the thread extremely concerned about it. It was the OP!!

@Intrigueddotcom you would have seen my previous comments on this post re DP but I have to acknowledge op hasn't asked for relationship advice, and be empathetic to the fact she's reached burn out and her DP has had a massive bashing on here and correctly imo (even though it must come across harsh to OP). But regardless my advice would be the same if they split or stay together but she's not asked about that.

She's asked if she's unreasonable taking a step back from DSC who she clearly adores because she's reached burn out.
As a mum i truly sympathies tbh, I had a high needs baby and what she needs is constructive criticism or even better a bit of empathy because making her feel like crap isn't going to improve anything.

I get it shows a wider picture, but I also don't think she deserves the kicking she's had on here.

She has a DP issue in my opinion and can be a good sm to her DSC and also not do the parenting for the parents for her sake and DSD sake.

@candlesandpitchforks

to be honest your post is of no interest to me and I didn’t bring the fact that the op and her partner split up a few weeks ago and she has posted concerning threads about him for YOUR benefit!

I believe it is relevant
as do other posters

You are just one of those histrionic people who cannot see past a ‘won’t anyone think of the children’ message and actually think about things. Even more so if it’s stepchildren. Just turn of your brain beyond wailing they must be mistreated.

I am not obligated to spend time with my nephew. If I look after him, I am helping my sister out. It’s an important difference.

and… importantly, the fact I don’t have to hang out with or do anything for these people means that I am choosing to do it for them. It’s not some duty I must perform. If I help out in some way, it’s a positive thing.

your vision of stepfamilies where stepparents are bound by duty is profoundly depressing tbh, not the cosy utopia you think it is.

Read your pist @candlesandpitchforks

it is all I I

I am afraid that I don’t post with your situation or view in mind

@Intrigueddotcom my benefit 😵‍💫 - Ok this thread has attracted the crazies. I'm out.

She posted for advice on one topic, clearly wasn't asking for advice on her relationship you went and linked it to continue bashing someone who's in a vulnerable state.

MN isn't a courtroom, you aren't the prosecution bringing evidence to condemn a another person. You haven't actually offered any advice so it begs the question why you did that in my view other than to kick someone who's stressed further down.

I said what I said 😂

Yanbu but there's a solution, have a movie night, let her play on her tablet etc. she's not a baby. It was exhausting when I had a newborn and autistic 2 year old, but i like everyone else coped by taking short cuts. Plus perhaps it's a case of not every week

Yes you did
but I didn’t bother to read it