To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

So we have my dsd from a Sunday morning each week, until a Tuesday night.. not a far cry from 50/50. Technically her mum is the resident parent, so I don't 'get a say' (whatever that means) but her step dad at her mums does, because he sees her an extra half a day?

@Donnyburriot I feel for you Newborns are hard work, and honestly I think your doing a lot of the hard work and don't think it's unrealistic to take a step back because some newborns can be really high intensity and as much as you want to do it all, it's ok to say you need a break.

@Midlifemusings I just can't with your comments I really can't. You have said some pretty horrible things about the op, if it's not DHs responsibility to look after DSC who's exactly is it ?

He does try. Her mum has lots and lots of other childcare options, including DPs family that she utilises often. She also has a partner, who's parents have taken DSD on as part of their family, too. DSD has a huge range of loving, caring family members in her life that look after her all the time. However, they are all allowed to say no when it doesn't suit them, and not feel a shred of guilt about it.

That's a very well made point and something I hadn't considered before. My own DH gets praise for looking after his own children! I don't!

and first off the block with ‘you knew what your we’re getting into’ it’s @backgroundingo , let me guess you’re not a step parent

Are you being made to feel guilty about it? Or are you just feeling guilty but really no one is that bothered and is accepting you can't do it any more?

We have had a range of "you knew what you were getting into"

"Your married for god sake this means your are never allowed to say no to parenting unit without implying you hate your DSC and will cause critical harm to her"

And general mum shaming down to why isn't your baby sleeping. Same old same old with this board.

We are all mums here and we know how hard it can be. I'm surprised at the lack of empathy shown to a new mum who's trying her best.

At the end of the day, in a blended family you have to have iron clad boundaries. The freedom to say no, and the realisation that you cannot as much as you would like to, do it all. The bones of it are when it comes down to it, parents are responsible for the children they create. Anything anyone else provides is a bonus tbh. The Op is being much kinder and doing the family a favour by enabling this but has the right to say no

@whatthehelldowecare well I don't know, do I? Do you have a say in what happens or are you informed what will be happening?
My DH and his ex decide together what happens with their child, when she will be here, what parties she will be going to, when to swap time around, whose turn it is to take a sick day etc etc. I have never and will never say she can't be here in her dad's home.
What I will defend to the death is my right to say "I'll not be looking after her, picking her up, doing XYZ because it does not suit me". Or maybe I will be available to help out and that's fine too. The point is, I make my decision on what I will be doing with my time. They can proceed or not on that basis.
The idea that a step parent should just automatically fall into line is to me outrageous.

@Pandarinio When I first said I didn't want to do the Saturday night anymore to DP, he wasn't happy and said I'd be making it harder for him to see DSD. Which I guess is true. When I said I didn't want to have her on my own for two days straight, he sighed and rolled his eyes. He didn't try to argue with me about it, but was a bit annoyed and said "Right fine I'll just TOIL it". We have spoken about it today and he is understanding, as he knows it's not personal against her. I guess I do feel guilty about it, regardless of what he thinks, but I'm not sure I should. I also feel guilty when she is here, though, because I'm usually tied up with her brother and don't have the same energy I'd like for her. I hate the idea of her having a shit time when she's alone with me when I see her so little.

I was hoping this thread would help me sort through these feelings a bit. There's been some good advice actually, and I'm going to try scale things back in a few different ways before putting a stop to having her on Saturday altogether.

I agree completely. It's disturbing to read and so damaging to the children involved. I wish people who don't want to accept children who they are not biologically related to as equal members of their family would just stop getting into relationships - and especially having further children!! - with people who already have children.

To resent the children is just so ridiculous when they chose none of it and you, as an adult, decided to start a relationship with someone who has children already. It's utterly selfish frankly and I have no sympathy with it. If you have these kinds of attitudes to family where only blood relatives really matter then why would you not only date people who do not have children? Adults need to take responsibility for the impact of their choices.

That should be the starting point but most SPs would probably agree making sure they don't come to harm is a sensible responsibility to take on if they wish. I don't allow them to beat each other up but frankly if I didn't care I could just walk out the house and leave them to it unless DH has asked me before hand to look after them.

Wow. How unbelievably callous.

No it doesn’t change it. They are not obligated or required to take responsibility for the child however much time they spend cohabiting.

Its not that stepparents can’t or won’t choose to do so but that they are helping out.

Obligated? Helping out?!

Anybody with views like this on spending time with children in their family should keep well away from having children of their own or having a relationship with anybody with existing children.

What is wrong with people, really?

*Anybody with views like this on spending time with children in their family should keep well away from having children of their own or having a relationship with anybody with existing children.

What is wrong with people, really?*

Oh give it a rest. You've made your shock clear but your views are simply precious and unrealistic.

I'm not back at work, so I don't need to make any adjustments that will potentially disrupt my son whilst he is very young. I just don't need to

This says everything, really. You say things are so hard for you that can't possibly watch a movie with a six year old before bed once per week and you only sleep in two hour stretches etc. So you must drop the one to one relationship you've spent 3 years building with DSD. Even though she's lovely and been very welcoming to having a new sibling etc, which is amazing. And you pretend to be anguished about this.

Then when ways to fix the situation without hurting this little girl are suggested you say "I just don't need to".

You will never treat her as an equal member of the family. You clearly do not love her. You should not have become a step-parent and definitely shouldn't have complicated it all further by creating a new half-sibling for her, given the damage your attitude to her will do as she gradually realises the difference between how you treat her and your son.

Oh give it a rest. You've made your shock clear but your views are simply precious and unrealistic.

Not remotely unrealistic, given the many examples on this thread alone of people who are decent step-parents and ensure those children are treated equally to any subsequent ones.

Do you believe the following to be true or false?
Does the child's mother have to accept the OP as an equal mother to her child?
Does the child's father have to accept the OP as an equal mother to his child?
Does the child have to accept the OP as an equal mother to the one who birthed her and looks after her 80% of the time?
If so then by all means stand by the assertion that OP should think of DSD as equally her child. If not, why is OP the only person in this scenario who is expected to fully inhabit this fantasy?

@WarOnSlugs You can try to upset me, but you're a stranger on the Internet and your opinion means nothing to me. Try another thread.

I'm not trying to upset you OP. You asked for opinions. I am sorry for getting into heated discussions with other posters but my advice to you was genuine and well meant.

9 month olds go through a sleep regression. It feels like it will never end, but it will. I do understand sleep deprivation, believe me, I had one of those kids!!

But it will pass. And things will become easier. Don't trash your relationship with your DSD over this, and her relationship with her sibling. This is a temporary problem. Hard as it is, doing something that will emotionally damage a six year old is not the right solution.

Your husband is the problem here op.

You're running on empty right now because of lack of sleep and he still wants to carry on with the current arrangement.

He can't drive (because of a ban) , and is present for very little of his contact time with his child.

Also , the fact that he's okay with you driving his two kids around when you're sleep deprived is simply unsafe.

What needs to happen here is that he gets a new job/changes his shifts and/or arranges for the little girl to come over when he's actually at home to spend time with her.

Please talk to your partner and work out another way forward that doesn't negatively impact DSD but makes things better for you also. Whether that's about how you get more sleep, or him changing his working hours or the days DSD visits or whatever. Then any changes can be put to her as it being about her father wanting to spend more time with her, rather than making her feel rejected and unwanted.

Also , wtf would the husband have done to facilitate contact with his first child if the op wasn't around?! He needs to think about that.

He shouldn't be making you feel guilty when he is the one who got himself banned from driving

Imagine if i just started acting equally to her mum! I'll let her know she can stay at home next parents evening, as I've got it covered. Next time DSD ends up in hospital and asks for her mum to stay the night with her, I'll turn up. I'm sure she'll be happy enough, seen as I am equal to her mother now.

Thank you for spelling out the lunacy of what so many people expect of SPs.

OP to treat her with equal love and kindness and her welfare to be equally important in your decision making as your is not the same as suggesting you should behave like her biological mother and assume all motherly tasks for her. People are simply suggesting that when you make choices about how the household will run, holidays, birthdays, how the home is made to feel properly a home with for example both children having a dedicated bedroom etc, that this is basic important stuff to do to ensure that: a) the children grow their relationship as siblings without resentment; and b) you don't cause psychological and emotional damage to a small child who has already been through the trauma of a family breakup and doesn't deserve to be harmed further by the arrangements/ dynamics in your relationship or that fact you chose to bring more children into the family.

Giving her equal priority in the choices, recognising that she matters as much as your son does, is not usurping her mother's role. It's just basic human decency given you chose to take on this role as step-mother and earned her trust. She is at a vulnerable age where you could really hurt her.

Imagine if your son was 6, DP left and had a child with somebody else and they had built a relationship with your son beforehand, then had another baby and were speaking about your son in this way. Like an inconvenience. To be dropped like a hobby when they are tired. Would you want that for him, and think it is ok?

She is a child. Please have some regard for the effect that your choices will have on her.