I don't care when they are here.

[LightningAndRainbows]

Not a major relationship ending drama but DH is doing my head in. He keeps discussing when the DSC are here and that the ex wants to swap a week etc. Every couple of months it's the same thing and summer holiday planning is the worst. I have bought a calendar and told him to just write it on there. And then if we have a holiday plan then yes we need to know what week we are planning it for. Other than that I just don't need to know the updates on the plan. They come when they come. He does the food shopping so it's not like I even need to think about that. Anyway I told him again this morning that I don't care when they are here, or that the ex is being a pain and trying to stop him having certain days. Just put it in the calendar when it's resolved. He's got upset that I don't seem interested in when they will be here. Its every other week and in the holidays so it's not like we go months without seeing them.

That does seem a bit harsh. He's your DH, why don't you card what's making him happy/sad/angry. Why don't you want to be supportive? It comes across like you don't care about his feelings or his kids.

I don't care about the ins and outs of the latest contact drama no. Thats his deal. Nothing to do with me. They are welcome here whenever.

I got to this point. And there was always a debate between us, a row between them. After a few years I just said do your thing and let me know when it's sorted.

It's not like when the bin day changes at Christmas. These are his children and he obviously wants to see them and is being abused by his ex who is using their visits to upset him.

You sound like you don't care about him or his children.

It sounds like he's struggling with the negotiating with the ex and looking to his partner for support and not getting it.

I think lots of people would feel the opposite and want to be kept informed (though not vented to about contact drama - just informed of when the SC are coming). But you've made it clear you aren't bothered and are fine with whenever they come so he is unreasonable to turn it into a guilt trip about not caring when they come.

Do you feel the same when he is discussing the ins and outs of some drama at work? Or is it just SDC?
I listen to my DH witter and go on about something he's worried about because he is my DH and I care about his problems.

There is a limit on how much people want to hear their partners whinge about their ex.

Turning it into a "you don't care about me enough" thing is manipulative.

It’s this op. He is looking for emotional support from his wife.

Yeah this is exactly it. It's not that I don't care about the DSC. Just that unless it's affecting me or holiday plans or say they have to stay with us 2 weeks in a row etc then I'm not interested in the negotiation stage.

You’ve done right.
I told my DH that I didn’t want to know about the drama his elderly DP’s were causing, it’s winds you up and causes anxiety. And any solution I came up was ignored, so I was wasting my breath. You don’t need it.

It is though. It's exactly like bin day changes.

And she's not abusing him.. they are simply disagreeing and being children about jt.

Other stepmums would be on here complaining if their DH wasn’t telling them when the SC were coming.

Does he listen to you if you have problems?

Yes I think that's it, it's turning into venting, every single time, it's too much. So I told him the calendar was a better way of informing me. And unless it was the holiday or Christmas I don't need to be aware. Then he said but what if you're out that weekend you won't see them..to which I said yes..and?!

That's nice for other stepmums. We are not one homogeneous group. We don't all have unlimited capacity for this sort of shit.

I would definitely be like you if I was in that situation. Some people seem to thrive on drama and others just can't be arsed with it.

I do until it gets to the point I can't stand it anymore as he gets so self absorbed and just repeats himself. So I tell him nicely that I have no more brain capacity for it.

I imagine it's that sort of thing. I might suggest he seeks counselling, would they listen to him? Or maybe break the cycle of him thinking its the absolute centre of the world when he has to see his kids 1.5 days instead of 2 but the next weekend he had them he can see them 3 days instead.

This.
OP I think you are spectacularly missing the point. It's not actually about WHEN DSCs come to stay, it's about your DP being deliberately dicked about by his ex and the upset this is causing him. That's why he keeps talking to you about the ins and outs, he wants your support.
Also, I think "I don't care" sounds harsh and, well.... uncaring! Maybe try "I don't mind when DSCs are coming to stay" and if you can muster it "I do care about your feelings"

I think I must have written this and forgotten!

I love seeing DSDs but I don’t care if it’s 3 days this week and 4 next or the other way around. I do care that I’m expected to have conversations about DPs ex 12 times a week. I feel as though I’m going through the breakup with her. I’ve said a few times do we have to spend my evening off of work talking about your ex again? It reduced it slightly so I now counter with information about my ex that I’ve seen on Facebook.

I totally understand how you feel.

The end of my pregnancy with DS3 was totally swamped in my husband’s anxiety and when he’d see his other kids. It was constant and exhausting.

It wasn’t even that his ex was doing anything to stop him (she always wants ‘a break’). He just made everything about them, his ex, his feelings about it all.

It got to the point where I couldn’t mention anything about the pregnancy for fear of setting off another series of interminable conversations about the same bloody thing. The baby was overdue and I kept having contractions start and then taper out. The stress caused by his inability to think about anything other than his feeling of anxiety and guilt about the other children was awful and I’m certain delayed labour several times. It was like my body decided that it was time but then he made it so stressful it couldn’t continue.

It’s not ok to constantly generate and obsess over drama about his ex and his other children. Why should you care.

At one point I told my husband that he’d already used up my lifetime supply of empathy over the consequences of his poor decisions in the past. I was really kind and empathetic about it but the sheer amount of empathy required was overwhelming. When it became obvious that it was a one-way street and I was still supposed to be prioritising his angst while heavily pregnant, in labour, recovering from an emergency section, etc and getting no support myself, I just stopped caring. He’d drunk the nonresident father woes empathy well dry.

And other mums would be on here complaining that the SM is having a say on when the DC can visit their dad and it's not their place to.

Hmm maybe I am being a bit harsh in how I phrase it to him. It simmers down for like a month or two then he's on about something else she's done. He knew what he was getting into when he divorced her though ffs. Anyway. I'll try and be a bit gentler than I don't care. How about, it is no skin off my nose either way? Or I am indifferent, just let me know on the calendar. I don't care about who is driving (usually him as she comes up with some excuse. I really don't. If he wants to see his kids he just needs to get on with it and he should have thought about all this when they decided to split.

@SoggyPaper yes that's it. I have like a battery that gets drained.

It reduced it slightly so I now counter with information about my ex that I’ve seen on Facebook. ooh good shout