I don't care when they are here.

[LightningAndRainbows]

Not a major relationship ending drama but DH is doing my head in. He keeps discussing when the DSC are here and that the ex wants to swap a week etc. Every couple of months it's the same thing and summer holiday planning is the worst. I have bought a calendar and told him to just write it on there. And then if we have a holiday plan then yes we need to know what week we are planning it for. Other than that I just don't need to know the updates on the plan. They come when they come. He does the food shopping so it's not like I even need to think about that. Anyway I told him again this morning that I don't care when they are here, or that the ex is being a pain and trying to stop him having certain days. Just put it in the calendar when it's resolved. He's got upset that I don't seem interested in when they will be here. Its every other week and in the holidays so it's not like we go months without seeing them.

If I went on and on about , for example, my rota at work several times a week for years on end, I’d expect that any partner would stop giving any shits about it.

I manage to organise contact between my DS and his father with no drama or angst whatsoever. As a PP says, I don’t need to feel like I’m reliving his divorce on a twice weekly basis.

Yep it's how you said it not what you said.

You are well within your rights to tell him you do not want to talk about his ex.

You are also well within your rights to state to him to calculate if he has them 2.5 days one week and 4 days the next week that he should work out the monthly or biweekly average and shut up.

@SoggyPaper That's a really good analogy thank you, I'm going to use that next time it comes up and gets too much. He only needs to know my work rota at christmas and in the holidays when we plan to do something. This is exactly the same. He doesn't need to know all the detailed discussions.

This post seems odd to me. If people say the whole “you knew what you were getting into” thing on here to a step mum they get jumped on! How on earth would he have known how navigating a divorce and the co-parenting after have turned out? It’s new territory for him, and of course he wants to see his kids, why wouldn’t he?

I do empathise with a lot of what you said with not wanting to be ranted at about it all, and being sick of the drama of the details of who’s driving etc, but I just find this post a bit weird the way it’s phrased. Might just be me though!

He picked that woman to impregnate, more than once, so it’s his problem, he doesn’t get to endlessly whine about his choice of ex and expect an audience.

@nevergoesaway I think it's more that this is the consequence of his decisions and mistakes, and it isn't really reasonable to bring the drama with your ex forward into your next relationship. You need to respect the fact that that's not something your new partner wants to be your shoulder to cry on about.

Exactly thats what I meant. He chose to have kids with her he and she chose to get divorced. Why do I have to deal with the fallout.

If I went on about my ex he'd think I wasn't over him!

Fair enough, yes that makes sense and I do agree. It’s not appropriate to vent about your ex constantly to your current partner.

You say he should have thought about before he got divorced, could be argued that you should have thought about it before getting involved with someone who has DC

I think it varies the extent to which you can predict some things.

Knowing that your life will to some extent need to be organised around someone else’s children is foreseeable. Knowing that you’ll be expected to relive the conflict of the divorce twice a week less so.

Similarly, splitting up comes with the inevitable consequences of no longer living with your children full time. And having to organise and facilitate a contact schedule with their other parent. That’s expected. You can also anticipate how difficult they are likely to be to deal with over this because you’ve lived with them and had children with them. It’s rarely a surprise that they’re difficult or manipulative or lazy or whatever.

Thr problem is often that people don’t sort themselves and their lives out before starting a new relationship. And they hide their lack of coming to terms with their reality or making sensible arrangements from the other person in various ways. Until you’re living together and (often) you’ve had a baby.

No new partner wants to support you through the stuff related to your previous relationship that you should have come to terms with before ‘moving on’. It’s just not fair to expect them to put up with this.

You can also anticipate how difficult they are likely to be to deal with over this because you’ve lived with them and had children with them. It’s rarely a surprise that they’re difficult or manipulative or lazy or whatever. yes this is what I was trying to get at. It shouldn't be a surprise to him any more.

You chose to marry him knowing he had kids and been divorced. You have all made decisions.

I sympathise OP. If he was going on and on about a work problem or when to pay a bill or something you wouldn't feel bad about telling him to shut up. He is offloading his mental conflicts onto you all the time - you paid attention to start with, and now you've had enough. My OH is endlessly moaning about his car and its problems. I engaged to start with but it's the same old crap over and over so now when he mentions it I just tell him to buy a new car. 3 years later he still hasn't 😂. I have enough other things to worry about -'it's his problem.

@catsnore another good analogy!

An adult should be able to deal with his own life admin, which may or may not include the practical consequences of previous relationships.

Yes.

But having been divorced and had kids already is not a get out clause. People should get over the stuff in their life and sort things out sufficiently before moving on. It’s not ok to expect a new partner to support you through the emotional and practical fall out of that divorce.

support through new situations that arise? Yes. Support because you haven’t dealt with the fear, guilt and obligation you feel about being a nonresident parent? No. Get therapy and sort yourself out. Support for the stress and anxiety that arise because you haven’t managed to sort out a workable and low conflict contact arrangement? No. Sort your shit out before you find a new partner.

Absolutely.

There is literally never any angst about my older son’s contact with his father. His father is a nightmare and treated me poorly in the relationship but that’s history now.

I don’t even make a fuss if my ex does something annoying. If I get a message saying that DS needs X from him, I might briefly feel annoyed that he didn’t just buy him a pack of pens or whatever, but I ignore it and just pick the pens up myself. It’s not worth making a fuss about.

What I don’t do is: get really annoyed, have a go at my ex and turn it into a drama, relay that drama to my husband, get him really angry and invested in the drama, and so on.

So he could have done me the same courtesy and not fuelled unnecessary drama, caused huge amount of anxiety and made this all my problem. I didn’t need to know any of it.

I used to be heavily involved in the planning of when we would be having the DSC. More so because my DH rota is all over with his job and I used to do drop offs/pick ups. Now I let him sort it and make my own plans and if the DSC are here that night and I am out then it is what it is and if I am in then I will see them. My DD has fixed nights here so as long as he chooses the nights she is here and can do drop offs/pick ups it's not my issue. It removes me from the negotiation stage and keeps me chill as I used to get dragged into it and he would then be calm and juggling things and I would be raging all the energy I had put into it was wasted. I went very selfish the last 1.5 years and I am happier for it. The kids don't come to see me they are here for their dad. I think your honestly is the same as mine but then a lot of people think I am brutal. I'm not I just really don't care. It doesn't impact on my life and if they are here the days I am working from home I just go into the office to get some peace. Just do what makes you happy. Our calendar is my saviour!

This board has gotten worse and reading some of the nonsense replies, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s time to delete my account off mnet.

Before going I’ll say this much. You’re not even remotely in the wrong. Ignore the vile posters on here. When all your partner/ husband can do is whine non stop about their ex/ when they can/ cannot see their children, it is beyond exasperating to a healthy/ boundaried person.

He impregnated this woman. Twice. The fact that the two of them cannot now function like healthy adults is sweet FA to do with you. He procreated with her, how he now deals with her is his problem and he needs to stop whining about it to you.

I cannot abide the nonsense pedalled out on these boards. Seeing the rubbish being rolled out in the US on roe vs Wade and seeing the women totally behind that being overturned makes me believe women of the same ilk troll these boards. Determined haters of other women who deign to do anything other than subjugate themselves to a man and his needs and wants.

You do you. And tell your DH to handle his issues. They’re nothing to do with you.

You are being harsh but for good reason. You're not his unpaid counsellor. It's one thing listening to someone vent about a temporary situation but this is going to go on for years until the DSC turn 18! It's too much.

Tell him to find a way of dealing with his angst that doesn't involve venting about it to you. There are many ways of coping with ones anxieties and frustrations which don't involve venting to another human, what does he think single and friendless people do? I'll bet you don't vent to him about every single thing that bothers you, just getting on with it most of the time instead.

You're not other people's emotional dumping ground. Just because he needs support doesn't mean you're duty bound or even able to provide it.

This is one reason why people have multiple friends, to share the good and bad times with, without boring the tits off any one person.

People who want this level of support from one person (or from everyone - these types exist!) are emotional vampires. It's fine to not be available for having yourself sucked dry.

Call my cynical but I suspect the "what if you're not here when the come" isn't about you seeing them, it's about him not wanting to solo parent them

Everyone has that battery. Everyone.

Not everyone fills theirs up by draining other people's, like your DP is doing.

How about ‘ I don’t mind when they come, they’re always welcome’
Rather than ‘I don’t care when they come’

I don't mind is the same as I don't care. I am indifferent