Does your SC have a room at your house?

[ouesyesh]

Scenario:

Resident children
1 girl (10) going through puberty
1 boy (4)

SS is 14, stays over about 3-4 nights a month.

3 bedroom house. No other additional rooms to turn into a bedroom.

A) Let SS sleep on pull out bed in living room when over
B) Give SS a room - if so what do resident kids do?

The reality is that the 14 year old is unlikely to stay over very often.

Symbolically however it's vitally important that there is a space for him at his DFs house, and to me that is a permanent space such as the top bunk with the bed made up and ready should he choose to stay over,rather than some pull our couch/air mattress.

It may not work out that well for the 14 year old and 4 year old to be sharing, but let DSS work that out by himself rather than preempting it. As the boys don't share all the time, maybe it will be ok when it happens.

@Autumn42 Other posters have said that their 4 year old would not want to give up their own room, or would be disturbed sleeping with parents.

It's quite arrogant to think you have a better idea than all of those posters. You just know your four year olds, we know other four year olds.

To add, for the rest of the month you’ve got a 4 year old who doesn’t effectively wouldn’t truly have his own bedroom as it’s ‘shared’ with the 14 year old so not really totally focussed in terms of decor, furniture etc for the 4 year old. If I think of our little ones that age, a whole extra bed on there would somewhat wreck the look of the room not to mention the space available for them to play. Personally a room which is ‘the 4 year old’s room’ but he kindly gives us for his dsb when he comes to stay (happily kipping in mummy and daddy’s room) would be a much better compromise and the only aspect of the room that would need to be permanently adapted for ds is ensuring the bed in there is a full size single and then a portable tv that can just be put in there when the Ds comes to stay

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Autumn42 Other posters have said that their 4 year old would not want to give up their own room, or would be disturbed sleeping with parents.

It's quite arrogant to think you have a better idea than all of those posters. You just know your four year olds, we know other four year olds. [/quote]
Yes of course my experience of 7 dcs including 5x 14 year olds counts for nothing against someone with absolutely no experience of even one teenage dc.
Think forgetting their dcs are not the OPs dcs, she will work out what works out best know HER dcs/ds, she simply wanted ideas of the options and their potential pros and cons

@Autumn42 I hardly think a top bunk is going to spoil the aesthetics of a 4 year olds bedroom, or indeed take up play space.

A teen is hardly likely to stay if he can see that it requires considerable effort and upheaval to make that happen. Plus as the 4 year old gets older, he's hardly going to relish sharing with his DPs.

A bunk just seems like the obvious solution rather than rearranging the property any time DSS wants to stay over.

Yes of course my experience of 7 dcs including 5x 14 year olds counts for nothing against someone with absolutely no experience of even one teenage dc.

Of course it counts for something. Just not more than all the people saying this would be a problem for their four year old. Why are you so determined that only your word on the disposition of 4 year old counts?

Also experiencing a 14 year old makes no difference to what you would and wouldn't allow for a 4 year old. A 14 year old being annoyed by it would not override the fact that I would not consider it the right thing to do to make one child leave their bedroom for the sake of another having it alone, for multiple reasons.

[quote rookiemere]@Autumn42 I hardly think a top bunk is going to spoil the aesthetics of a 4 year olds bedroom, or indeed take up play space.

A teen is hardly likely to stay if he can see that it requires considerable effort and upheaval to make that happen. Plus as the 4 year old gets older, he's hardly going to relish sharing with his DPs.

A bunk just seems like the obvious solution rather than rearranging the property any time DSS wants to stay over.[/quote]
4 year olds are usually quite happy to kip in parents room (and none of the posters have even said their 4 year old wouldn’t like the idea) perhaps he could even have his own special bedding for then etc too so seems even more special, so why would it come across to the 14 year old that he was putting his family to a major hassle unless the parents gave him that impression? What hassle is it actually going to be for the parents other than changing the bedding on the existing bed in there and popping a tv in there when the Ds comes to stay. Is just the same as what we do when we’ve got guests coming to stay and works out fine. Having to put up with constantly being around a 4 year old night and day will be much more frustrating to a 14 year old than some idea of him needing his own ‘permanent’ space even when he’s not there. Your addressing his actual needs not some warped perception of symbolism, if then complains about it then you can say that’s fine we’ll do a shared room but can guarantee he’ll soon be asking to go back to the original arrangement

4 year olds are usually quite happy to kip in parents room (and none of the posters have even said their 4 year old wouldn’t like the idea)

Yes they have! Multiple people, and you have responded to more than one of them to just say "yes they would". It's really strange that you just keep flat out ignoring this.

@aSofaNearYou

Yes of course my experience of 7 dcs including 5x 14 year olds counts for nothing against someone with absolutely no experience of even one teenage dc.

Of course it counts for something. Just not more than all the people saying this would be a problem for their four year old. Why are you so determined that only your word on the disposition of 4 year old counts?

Also experiencing a 14 year old makes no difference to what you would and wouldn't allow for a 4 year old. A 14 year old being annoyed by it would not override the fact that I would not consider it the right thing to do to make one child leave their bedroom for the sake of another having it alone, for multiple reasons.

Really, so you wouldn’t take account of the happiness of the 14 year old?? Sorry it seems intuitive that I prioritise and address the needs/happiness of all my dc and dsc. You’d probably think it wrong too that if I only had money for the 2 year old and 12 year olds birthday I’d actually spend most of it on the 12 year old as the truth is the 2 year old wouldn’t notice.

@Autumn42 I wouldn't take it into account to the extent that one child's desire to not share a bedroom meant kicking the other child out of the bedroom, no. They should both have equal right to use the bedroom. I might take it into account by letting him have the run of the living room some evenings, as OP already does, but no I would not consider removing a child from their bedroom because they want it for themselves.

The two year old birthday present thing is fine, because a two year old IS often an oblivious tot. I wouldn't do it with a 4/5/6 year old, though, because they WOULD mind. Personally, though, I would just split what money I had.

@aSofaNearYou

Think this sounds like the best solution, my SC have their own room as we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a big enough house but in your situation the SC can’t expect to be able to have a room at both parents and your dc not have a room. However it would be nice if the sc could have his own space while over, especially as the 4 year old would probably love sharing with mummy and daddy, be a bit different if he was 14!

I really don't understand the logic of bringing the 4 year old in with OP. They're not a baby and they will only get older, I can't imagine anyone suggesting this about a 5-10 year old. My DD hasn't slept in our room since she was a small baby, if we did it now she would probably be confused and unsettled not being in her own room, and if I'm wrong and she DID like it, well that would be a precedent I wouldn't want to be setting as I don't want to cosleep.

It seems strange and unnecessary to me.

Exactly this. If this was a very short term issue, I'd probably say having a 4 year old in with you occasionally would be ok. However, it doesn't sound short term..! So that 4 year old is going to get older.. can you imagine having to share with an older child, then that child getting too old and then having to announce to a 16/17 year old that "by the way, he's too old to share with us now, so you have to have him in with you". Better to start as you mean to go on

I do.

And I wouldn’t want the disturbed evenings that followed arguing with my DC about why he can’t sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s room tonight.

If I cuddle him to sleep when he’s poorly he spends the best part of a week asking me to lay down next to him and it messes up our otherwise smooth bedtime. I imagine sleeping in our room would be even more problematic. Part of having a good bedtime routine is reminding him who sleeps where and who’s room is whose.

But sure. You know my child better than I do.

I had meant to quote @Autumn42 in my response.

Also do you think that nobody with a four year old has experience of teenagers???

[quote RussianSpy101]@candlesandpitchforks they’re not siblings though. There’s a 14yo boy and a 10yo girl who are not related whatsoever. Completely in appreciate for them to share![/quote]
If they weren't step siblings then arguably why do they need their own room... they aren't strangers that live in the house.

You can't say with one breath they are family and need their own space then say they aren't step siblings aka family so can't share a room.

I shared with my step sister which btw I consider her family.

Am I really the only person who doesn't think that bedroom sharing is totally normal ? 😵‍💫m

I grew up in a blended family and we all loved sharing with our step siblings. Obviously I'm not gonna pretend we didn't argue but genuinely both me and my sister (I know gasp I dropped the step) both say it was great because we got up to mischief together, and when older stole each other's clothes 😂

My DD and SD have asked to share a room and there's a 9year age gap, and now we have a spare room just kinda redundant.

SS to share with 4 yr old or offer of sofa but then you have SS with nowhere to go and chill until you all go to bed. Shit situation, but sharing with the 4 yr old only logical way I would say x

Yes and whilst DCs may not be happy to share with siblings full time, the novelty of one or two nights a week with a step sibling may be different.

@candlesandpitchforks everyone in the house is family.
The DH in the household is the father of the step son.
The daughter is the child of the OP.
The youngest child is the shared child. So they are a family. Still doesn’t make it acceptable for a 14yo boy and 10yo girl to share. It wouldn’t be acceptable even if they were siblings in my opinion. Teens need their own space.

@candlesandpitchforks

Am I really the only person who doesn't think that bedroom sharing is totally normal ? 😵‍💫m

I grew up in a blended family and we all loved sharing with our step siblings. Obviously I'm not gonna pretend we didn't argue but genuinely both me and my sister (I know gasp I dropped the step) both say it was great because we got up to mischief together, and when older stole each other's clothes 😂

My DD and SD have asked to share a room and there's a 9year age gap, and now we have a spare room just kinda redundant.

I don’t think it’s that sharing isn’t normal, just depends on the context. We shared as kids up to a certain age and it was great, my dc shared and they loved it. I know friends whose dc’s share and my dsc share at our house. It’s just the context of expecting a 14 year old to suddenly share with a 4 year old, it depends on their characters and if they are both quite placid chilled characters they might love it but I doubt a typical 14 year old boy would enjoy sharing with a typical 4 year old boy (remembering 14 year olds spend a good portion of their day not just nights in their rooms) I think also it’s rather sad that many seem to have a like it or lump it attitude towards the poor dsc, no wonder so many step children end up becoming estranged from their fathers

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Autumn42 I wouldn't take it into account to the extent that one child's desire to not share a bedroom meant kicking the other child out of the bedroom, no. They should both have equal right to use the bedroom. I might take it into account by letting him have the run of the living room some evenings, as OP already does, but no I would not consider removing a child from their bedroom because they want it for themselves.

The two year old birthday present thing is fine, because a two year old IS often an oblivious tot. I wouldn't do it with a 4/5/6 year old, though, because they WOULD mind. Personally, though, I would just split what money I had. [/quote]
Yes If they were a 4/5/6 year old re: the birthday. A 4/5/6 year would generally not feel upset at the opportunity to sleep in mummy and daddy’s room for the night. It’s you who is trying to reframe it as something awful by using the term ‘kicking out’ when that is not how the 4/5/6 year old would perceive it is sold in the right way to them whereas an e.g. 11 year old would obviously probably feel differently

@HotDogKetchup

I had meant to quote *@Autumn42* in my response.

Also do you think that nobody with a four year old has experience of teenagers???

Obviously not as I made it clear I have current experience of both, if those people saying they’d find it too much of a hassle with their 4 year olds sharing their room so dsc could have their own space for the 3-4 nights a month staying over would like to have replied and said actually they also have experience of 5 or even any 14 year old dc they were welcome to state that

@familyissues12345
our 7 year old would still quite happily sleep in our room and who knows by then anyway they might have moved to a bigger house. Then by the time dc is 8 dsc will be 18 and probably not mind being on the sofa bed as he’s not going to be stuck with the family during the day so he’ll just go out and about or to his mums if he wants some chill time. It won’t be such an issue for the mother him doing this either as can leave an 18 year old to for night/weekend, to cook their own meals etc whereas having a 14 year old is quite a different responsibility

BTW I’m leaving this debate now as purpose of my contributions was to give the perspective from my experience of having a multiple teenager dc and dsc and current young children to the OP, not to argue with people who live in a bubble of not being able to contemplate considering the needs of anyone except themselves and their own precious young dc, especially the needs of theoretical ‘pesky’ sc (sic) :(

I think we've scared the OP away!

If you can find a way to divide the largest bedroom, so that the 4yr old and the 14yr old have private space - one to sleep early undisturbed, one to chill with TV etc - you have a long term solution.

With the current economic situation, it's safer to assume that the 3bed home is how it's going to be, going forward, and plan how to make that work for now, and for when DSS is 21 and DS is 11.

www.diy.com/ranges/building-ranges/alara
Would something like this work?