Does your SC have a room at your house?

[ouesyesh]

Scenario:

Resident children
1 girl (10) going through puberty
1 boy (4)

SS is 14, stays over about 3-4 nights a month.

3 bedroom house. No other additional rooms to turn into a bedroom.

A) Let SS sleep on pull out bed in living room when over
B) Give SS a room - if so what do resident kids do?

Nothing of the sort and uncalled for which says a lot about you to be fair.

It's a good job you don't have a dog also Op otherwise you'd have to turf the kids out of bed to make way for it! 😂

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Autumn42 I can sort of see why you might be uncomfortable with it but I think that depends on the 14 year old. It wouldn't bother me with two same sex siblings.

Yes my DD would sleep in with me in a hotel or whilst camping but these are one off environments, I wouldn't want her to get used to it at home as I would think that would lead to her wanting to do it at other times.

I'm sure sharing wouldn't be ideal for either sibling but I'd prefer that to the alternative.[/quote]
I suppose it would depend on your dcs but we’ve got a large family including a number dcs of varying ages and I can think of a number if reasons why a 4 year and a 14 year boys sharing wouldn’t be ideal and probably really annoying to the 14 year old. 14 year olds generally spend their time (when not at clubs/with friends) being playing on their consoles, tvs playing and watching games/films till late and not particularly ones you would want your 4 year old to watch l, swearing etc (even it wouldn’t dare swear in front of you) then waking up a lunchtime. The 4 year old would probably love it but probably the 14 year old not so much when he’s jumping on his bed waking him up at 7am! Considering he’ll be used to peace and quiet at his mums I can imagine he especially won’t appreciate. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts asking his mother if he really has to go to dad’s!
They’re still tots at 4, can’t see what the issue would be sharing or any 4 year old who wouldn’t love to share with mummy and daddy, plus they are old enough to understand that they share when ds there but then back to their bedroom. However he OP knows the children best and if like your dc then might work

@Autumn42 OP has said he often has free run of the living room and they're upstairs though, so I wouldn't expect him to need to spend lots of time on consoles and watching films in his bedroom - I didn't do this when I was 14.

For me him finding it annoying wouldn't be enough of a reason to turf my 4 year old out of their room or end up a (very) unwilling cosleeper. I don't see a 4 year old as a tot - they will very soon be an older child themselves, they are right at the end of the "tot" time. They need their own bedroom too, whether that be shared with a sibling or not. And I think it would be naive to assume they will just get that sleeping in mum and dad's is only for when DSS is there, loads of parents have to deal with their children wanting to sleep in with them because they get used to it.

@Autumn42 they aren't toys at 4. Most are in full time education. Why should he lose his bedroom to a 14 year old? Your teaching the 4 year old that you value the 14 year old more. Why should he be turfed out to sleep with mum and dad when it's his home. It's not the 14 year olds home when he stays 3-4 nights a month.
Tbh the 14 year old will naturally not want to stay too often, he will go out with friends and want lay ins which won't be possible with sleeping in living room or in a bedroom with a 4 year old. It's not fair on the 4 year old to be moved before "step children" arrive for the night!

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Autumn42 OP has said he often has free run of the living room and they're upstairs though, so I wouldn't expect him to need to spend lots of time on consoles and watching films in his bedroom - I didn't do this when I was 14.

For me him finding it annoying wouldn't be enough of a reason to turf my 4 year old out of their room or end up a (very) unwilling cosleeper. I don't see a 4 year old as a tot - they will very soon be an older child themselves, they are right at the end of the "tot" time. They need their own bedroom too, whether that be shared with a sibling or not. And I think it would be naive to assume they will just get that sleeping in mum and dad's is only for when DSS is there, loads of parents have to deal with their children wanting to sleep in with them because they get used to it. [/quote]
Neither did I at 14 as fancy consoles, smart tv’s, let alone the internet, Netflix etc didn’t exist. We’d be more likely reading mizz or smash hits, doing our paper round or out on our bikes etc. Our lives were very different to 14 year olds now, we’ve experienced 5 modern day 14 years olds dcs plus assorted nieces and nephews, perhaps the OPs SC is an exception to the norm??
We’ve also got a current toddler and experienced 6x 4 year old dcs and that’s what on the basis of that experience I’d say then sharing wouldn’t be a great arrangement. While I don’t subscribe to those that see the 4 year old dc as a second class citizen as is a child of the 2nd family and therefore made to share with the 10 year old or not have a room at all. 4 year olds are generally quite happy with the idea of sleeping in mummy and daddy’s room, they are also much closer to being a tot than an ‘older child’. Yes a 10 year old girl would feel very differently about swapping rooms a couple of times a month but 4 year olds tend to love doing anything novel and usually quite adaptable. Plus it means the 4 year old gets to keep his bedroom aimed at his age with decor, toys he likes plus all the space rather than the alternative of just the corner of a room left after dividers and the scs bed put in there. I can guarantee the 4 year old will feel a lot less upset and unsettled by this arrangement than the upset caused to the 14 year old of not being accommodated in a way which will cause him a lot less stress and make him feel a welcomed and valued part of the family.

of being accommodated in a way which would cause him a lot of stress

[quote ilovemyboys3]@Autumn42 they aren't toys at 4. Most are in full time education. Why should he lose his bedroom to a 14 year old? Your teaching the 4 year old that you value the 14 year old more. Why should he be turfed out to sleep with mum and dad when it's his home. It's not the 14 year olds home when he stays 3-4 nights a month.
Tbh the 14 year old will naturally not want to stay too often, he will go out with friends and want lay ins which won't be possible with sleeping in living room or in a bedroom with a 4 year old. It's not fair on the 4 year old to be moved before "step children" arrive for the night! [/quote]
It would be rather sad if the 14 year old ended up feeling that way, yes they do become more independent but they do generally become quite cut up about the idea of not getting chance to spend at least 3-4 days a month with both parents feeling welcome in their home. Even if they do put a brave or moody face on it, if he ended up deciding he didn’t even want to spend 3-4 days a month with his father then something has gone quite wrong with their relationship

@lameasahorse

At 4 a lot of kids would like to sleep in their parents room sometimes. Plenty of kids do this regularly anyway.

Yes but what I was saying was that I wouldn't WANT them to like it, even if they did, as they would likely get used to it and want it more, which I strongly do not want and have avoided thus far.

I can guarantee the 4 year old will feel a lot less upset and unsettled by this arrangement than the upset caused to the 14 year old of not being accommodated in a way which will cause him a lot less stress and make him feel a welcomed and valued part of the family.

I don't think that's a given. My DD loves her bedroom and would find it very weird if someone else was sleeping in it and she wouldn't. My experience of children that age is not the placid and oblivious kind of child who would just bumble from room to room without a bother.

Meanwhile there's no reason for the 14 year old to think he's unwelcome just because he's sharing with his sibling rather than them giving up their room for him. Annoyed sometimes, maybe, but not unwelcome. He'd have to have unreasonable expectations to require the 4 year old to give up their room for him to be welcome.

aSofaNearYou

lameasahorse
At 4 a lot of kids would like to sleep in their parents room sometimes. Plenty of kids do this regularly anyway.

Yes but what I was saying was that I wouldn't WANT them to like it, even if they did, as they would likely get used to it and want it more, which I strongly do not want and have avoided thus far.

….. I understand the importance of consistency @aSofaNearYou but 4 years are generally not that inflexible unless they have special needs. They can tend adapt to the idea of variations in their routine. I know him sharing a room with you might feel an inconvenience but your not going to be in your room all day and sometimes parents/step parents have to put up with a bit of inconvenience to best accommodate their Children’s needs. I’m certainly not on the far end unreasonable end of the camp they says they shouldn’t have moved in together or had more children unless they could accommodate the ds in the lap of luxury but taking into consideration the 14 year olds experience of the situation should be up on the list of priorities

It's not really about the child being inflexible, it's about setting a precedent making them want things at other times. I don't think this is unusual or specific to special needs, this is what all kids are like IME.

I don't consider the 14 year old's desire for a room to himself to be something that needs to be prioritised above my desire to not start the 4 year old on a slippery slope towards cosleeping regularly, because ultimately it is fine for siblings to share. It isn't a need, and in my opinion having regular run of the living room is already being accommodated quite a bit.

@aSofaNearYou

I can guarantee the 4 year old will feel a lot less upset and unsettled by this arrangement than the upset caused to the 14 year old of not being accommodated in a way which will cause him a lot less stress and make him feel a welcomed and valued part of the family.

I don't think that's a given. My DD loves her bedroom and would find it very weird if someone else was sleeping in it and she wouldn't. My experience of children that age is not the placid and oblivious kind of child who would just bumble from room to room without a bother.

Meanwhile there's no reason for the 14 year old to think he's unwelcome just because he's sharing with his sibling rather than them giving up their room for him. Annoyed sometimes, maybe, but not unwelcome. He'd have to have unreasonable expectations to require the 4 year old to give up their room for him to be welcome.

4 year olds tend to feel quite well disposed to their older siblings (if not often the other way around!) and to the idea of coming to sleep in mummy and daddy’s room. I don’t think it would be that difficult to sell the idea to them if you really wanted. Where as the alternative is the 14 year old spending half of his precious weekends a month stuck all day with the family and what to him will probably be a somewhat annoying 4 year old. The lack of his own space will very likely be quite grating to a 14 year old and eventually getting so fed up he starts asking his mum if he can just stay at home. The distancing from his dad not being great for either the OP’s dh or the Ds’s long term mental health. Let alone unfair on the ds’s mother who will no doubt agree to keep him those weekends if he’s unhappy but be fairly miffed about too

I think the problem is the setting of expectations that the 14 yr old has the room. At this age, they can become quite a handful, and Mum might turn around one day, and say 'you know what, I can't handle DS any more, you need a man in charge'. And off to Dad's he goes. At that point, what happens to the resident child? Is he going to be sharing with OP and her DH indefinitely?

Children need their own bedrooms. Why have any more kids than you can provide a space for?

@aSofaNearYou

It's not really about the child being inflexible, it's about setting a precedent making them want things at other times. I don't think this is unusual or specific to special needs, this is what all kids are like IME.

I don't consider the 14 year old's desire for a room to himself to be something that needs to be prioritised above my desire to not start the 4 year old on a slippery slope towards cosleeping regularly, because ultimately it is fine for siblings to share. It isn't a need, and in my opinion having regular run of the living room is already being accommodated quite a bit.

Yes but this is for a fairly important reason and something that four 4 year old is likely to be able to adapt to, especially as not just a random inconsistent change to his routine. You wouldn’t necessarily be co sleeping, could you not set up a sleeping space in your bedroom for him?

@SpaceshiptoMars

I think the problem is the setting of expectations that the 14 yr old has the room. At this age, they can become quite a handful, and Mum might turn around one day, and say 'you know what, I can't handle DS any more, you need a man in charge'. And off to Dad's he goes. At that point, what happens to the resident child? Is he going to be sharing with OP and her DH indefinitely?

If the 14 year old starts residing with the OP then they’ll probably be well able to afford a 4 bedroom house as they’ll be saving on all the maintenance having to be paid, receiving maintenance from the Ds mother plus eligible for child benefit!

If the 14 year old starts residing with the OP then they’ll probably be well able to afford a 4 bedroom house as they’ll be saving on all the maintenance having to be paid, receiving maintenance from the Ds mother plus eligible for child benefit!

Don't know where you live, but the cost differential between 3 and 4 bedrooms is astronomical. They would be forced to rent out the 3bed and rent a bigger house somewhere far, far away!

@SpaceshiptoMars

If the 14 year old starts residing with the OP then they’ll probably be well able to afford a 4 bedroom house as they’ll be saving on all the maintenance having to be paid, receiving maintenance from the Ds mother plus eligible for child benefit!

Don't know where you live, but the cost differential between 3 and 4 bedrooms is astronomical. They would be forced to rent out the 3bed and rent a bigger house somewhere far, far away!

Not where I live and many 3 bedroom houses in my area have a 2nd reception room which can be converted into a bedroom or 4 bedroom town houses which the same price as the 3 bedroom semis

@timestheyarechanging

Children need their own bedrooms. Why have any more kids than you can provide a space for?

Children do not require their own bedrooms. Many children share in households even when parents are together!

Isn’t your house his “home” too? Why do you talk of your DSS going “home”?

I have a 3 bed house, and 3 children. 2 boys (12 and 7) 1 girl (7) currently the twins share a room but I know as DD gets older she will need privacy. So my plan was to put the boys in together at that point. Probably when older DS turns 15, I know he won't be thrilled about that as he has his own room just now. But that's the space I have, so not much else I can do. It seems that's the boat you're in, so if it was me I'd have DS and SS sharing for the few nights a month he is there.

@Autumn42 I know a 4 year old would likely adapt to it (though I do think mine would be confused and possibly upset that she couldn't sleep in her own room) but I disagree that that would have no knock on affect and you wouldn't likely find them knocking on your door on other nights because they want to come in with you.

I also just don't think of a 4 year old as that young. They are transitioning into an older child with much more independence and I would never consider this for a child above toddler age.

I don't mean to make a stalemate back and forth, we obviously don't agree on this particular topic, but I just would not do this just so the 14 year old didn't have to share. I don't consider it worth it, and I also think it's an odd message to send both of them.