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Original poster

Does your SC have a room at your house?

236 replies

ouesyesh · 14/04/2022 22:27

Scenario:

Resident children
1 girl (10) going through puberty
1 boy (4)

SS is 14, stays over about 3-4 nights a month.

3 bedroom house. No other additional rooms to turn into a bedroom.

A) Let SS sleep on pull out bed in living room when over
B) Give SS a room - if so what do resident kids do?

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BungleandGeorge · 16/04/2022 12:49

I guess most people don’t subscribe to porn channels and if they do they have parent controls. If I thought my 14 year old was watching porn my first thought would be to stop them….

AskingforaBaskin · 16/04/2022 12:50

They should not consider that he should watch porn on privacy. If they discover this he should be educated and punished accordingly

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/04/2022 12:51

What the hell is wrong with you that you think any one should accommodate a teen to watch porn?

A teen will watch porn anyway - either on the gadgets or on TV at night. As a stepmum you can do sweet FA about that. What do you think they do in the room they have to themselves at Mum's house? Sad, lonely boys wank themselves to sleep. Do you want him to watch filth on his phone sat next to your 4yr old?

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/04/2022 12:55

I guess most people don’t subscribe to porn channels and if they do they have parent controls. If I thought my 14 year old was watching porn my first thought would be to stop them….

I'd classify quite a bit of after the watershed TV as porn. I tried turning the broadband off at night with mine (nocturnal living) - they just bought their own for their phone.

AskingforaBaskin · 16/04/2022 12:57

@SpaceshiptoMars

What the hell is wrong with you that you think any one should accommodate a teen to watch porn?

A teen will watch porn anyway - either on the gadgets or on TV at night. As a stepmum you can do sweet FA about that. What do you think they do in the room they have to themselves at Mum's house? Sad, lonely boys wank themselves to sleep. Do you want him to watch filth on his phone sat next to your 4yr old?

At 14 he is at an age where he should be parented. So devices off at a reasonable time.
aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2022 12:59

@SpaceshiptoMars

Mind you, I had a large part of my house completely remodelled for the arrival of the younger DSCs. Own bathroom, sitting area etc. Eldest DSC arrived when work was completed - all painted, carpeted, twiddly bits, to younger DSCs specification - and promptly demanded I gave up my bedroom for them instead.....

You can't win!

How big is your house?? I only have one bathroom and sitting area, they wouldn't be having their own one!
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/04/2022 13:04

@aSofaNearYou

Not nearly as big as you think! It was a serious sacrifice of space. But with adult DSCs, huge compromises were required to make a go of it.

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2022 13:05

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@aSofaNearYou

Not nearly as big as you think! It was a serious sacrifice of space. But with adult DSCs, huge compromises were required to make a go of it.[/quote]
No kidding! Doesn't sound like it was particularly appreciated sadly.

AskingforaBaskin · 16/04/2022 13:15

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@aSofaNearYou

Not nearly as big as you think! It was a serious sacrifice of space. But with adult DSCs, huge compromises were required to make a go of it.[/quote]
The adults can either get their own house or be decent house guests.

MargosKaftan · 16/04/2022 13:18

The 14 and the 4 year old boys share the biggest bedroom, look at ways to put dividers in to make their own spaces (those box shelves from IKEA seem a good way to do it, and creates storage for 4 year olds toys). You and dh have the 2nd biggest room and dd gets the smallest to herself.

Its a no brainer, you have 3 dcs, 3 bedrooms so the 2 dcs the same sex share. Particularly given they are siblings this makes sense.

BungleandGeorge · 16/04/2022 13:27

Normal programming on tv is not porn, it may be unsuitable for teenagers but ‘porn’ is quite specific and is over 18. Part of being a parent is protecting children from porn by restricting access. Whilst parental controls aren’t totally infallible they’re certainly pretty effective.

Starseeking · 16/04/2022 13:44

@Willyoujustbequiet

Why does he only stay over 3 or 4 nights a month?

Poor kid will already feel like an outsider You cant not give him a room. And tbh yes I understand finances but you should have prioritised existing children before choosing to have more.

4 nights a month is an EOW pattern; not particularly unusual for non-resident DC.

Northernsoullover · 16/04/2022 13:56

Omg I can't believe the porn comments. FFS.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/04/2022 13:59

@AskingforaBaskin

The adults can either get their own house or be decent house guests.

Yeah, but special needs. Zero chance at that stage of their own house. It took years of work from that point to ready them for launch.

Younger DSCs have expressed appreciation for this effort. Elder ones, different story..... Split family problem - the DSCs I've had parenting input for versus those who'd already left home. It's a weird kind of jealousy - no way would they have wanted a stepmum, but they envy their younger siblings the backup I provide.

Autumn42 · 16/04/2022 14:09

@Greensleeves

I'd probably put the four year old in with us and give the room to the 14yo for that few days a month.
Think this sounds like the best solution, my SC have their own room as we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a big enough house but in your situation the SC can’t expect to be able to have a room at both parents and your dc not have a room. However it would be nice if the sc could have his own space while over, especially as the 4 year old would probably love sharing with mummy and daddy, be a bit different if he was 14!
aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2022 14:14

Think this sounds like the best solution, my SC have their own room as we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a big enough house but in your situation the SC can’t expect to be able to have a room at both parents and your dc not have a room. However it would be nice if the sc could have his own space while over, especially as the 4 year old would probably love sharing with mummy and daddy, be a bit different if he was 14!

I really don't understand the logic of bringing the 4 year old in with OP. They're not a baby and they will only get older, I can't imagine anyone suggesting this about a 5-10 year old. My DD hasn't slept in our room since she was a small baby, if we did it now she would probably be confused and unsettled not being in her own room, and if I'm wrong and she DID like it, well that would be a precedent I wouldn't want to be setting as I don't want to cosleep.

It seems strange and unnecessary to me.

AskingforaBaskin · 16/04/2022 14:16

And what if the 4 year old doesn't want to.

They are brothers. They can share.

Autumn42 · 16/04/2022 14:19

P.s I wouldn’t be messing around with having bunk beds/room dividers etc in your 4 year old’s room when SC only staying 3-4 nights a month. Just have a full size single bed in there and a few drawers for his clothes but essentially should still be your 4 year old’s bedroom. Plus ignore the stupid comments from people that you and your dh basically shouldn’t have been able to find happiness, have more children etc. As long as you SC still feels loved and valued that’s the important thing, giving him a room he’s not going to be there for 85% of the time at the expense of your dc, when he’s got a room at his mum’s is unfair but giving him his own space while he’s there (probably like you would a guest) is quite reasonable

Autumn42 · 16/04/2022 14:24

@aSofaNearYou

Think this sounds like the best solution, my SC have their own room as we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a big enough house but in your situation the SC can’t expect to be able to have a room at both parents and your dc not have a room. However it would be nice if the sc could have his own space while over, especially as the 4 year old would probably love sharing with mummy and daddy, be a bit different if he was 14!

I really don't understand the logic of bringing the 4 year old in with OP. They're not a baby and they will only get older, I can't imagine anyone suggesting this about a 5-10 year old. My DD hasn't slept in our room since she was a small baby, if we did it now she would probably be confused and unsettled not being in her own room, and if I'm wrong and she DID like it, well that would be a precedent I wouldn't want to be setting as I don't want to cosleep.

It seems strange and unnecessary to me.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable tbh about the 4 and 14 year old sharing but would feel quite normal to have 4 year old sharing our room. Although suppose how big the OPs room is, our room would fit a toddler or kiddies fold up bed in, sure he’d get used to the idea that shares mummy and daddy’s room when SC comes to stay. Surely if you were camping you wouldn’t put a 4 year old in their own pod. Yes he’ll get older but what do parents do when they stay in hotels?
DockOTheBay · 16/04/2022 14:28

@MyDcAreMarvel

He should share with his brother or you out the 4 year old in with you, or you have a sofa bed and sleep in the lounge. A child should have a bed , in a bedroom in their own home.
But its not their own home. They only stay there a few days a month, they have a bedroom in their own home at their mums presumably. Why don't you ask him what he would prefer, surely a 14 year old will have an opinion.
Autumn42 · 16/04/2022 14:30

Can’t imagine the 14 year old going to want to share with a 4 year either? Have you seen how annoying 4 year olds can be, more so with their teen siblings! Unless very placid pair can foresee a lot of tension and resentment with that idea!

HotDogKetchup · 16/04/2022 14:37

My DSS has his own room but we have ample space.

I’d be inclined to get bunk beds. It would throw my young DC out to be turfed out of his room, he wouldn’t settle to bed and sleep aswell. But would be fine to have someone creep in later on.

That is, unless DSS would prefer a pull out bed? He might like to stay up late with some lights on.

I’m also curious as to why you don't magic up a big stack of cash to buy a larger house, did your finances not magically stretch for additional kids Hmm

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/04/2022 14:47

@DockOTheBay the home of a parent of a dependent child is their home.

Autumn42 · 16/04/2022 14:55

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@DockOTheBay the home of a parent of a dependent child is their home.[/quote]
Yes it should feel like their home but it’s unrealistic to say they can have the equivalent of what they’d have if it was their full time home. Yes if the OP had a spare room that would be different but they don’t and it’s unfair on the dc to not even have the opportunity of their own room and then the sc to have 2 bedrooms. However the simple solution is SC having the dc’s room when they come to stay or if that would be a major issue perhaps sleeping on the sofa bed but not ideal as teenagers tend to like their own space whereas the 4 year old dc likely to be downstairs with parents till bedtime. The 14 year old won’t necessarily want to be sitting with The Op and dad and 4 year old all day. Wouldn’t blame him if he stopped wanting to come over. I can’t think the DC kipping in mum and dad’s room for 3-4 nights a month would be an issue for most 4 year olds, out little ones would love that idea

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2022 15:00

@Autumn42 I can sort of see why you might be uncomfortable with it but I think that depends on the 14 year old. It wouldn't bother me with two same sex siblings.

Yes my DD would sleep in with me in a hotel or whilst camping but these are one off environments, I wouldn't want her to get used to it at home as I would think that would lead to her wanting to do it at other times.

I'm sure sharing wouldn't be ideal for either sibling but I'd prefer that to the alternative.