Does your SC have a room at your house?

[ouesyesh]

Scenario:

Resident children
1 girl (10) going through puberty
1 boy (4)

SS is 14, stays over about 3-4 nights a month.

3 bedroom house. No other additional rooms to turn into a bedroom.

A) Let SS sleep on pull out bed in living room when over
B) Give SS a room - if so what do resident kids do?

@TracyMosby hes 14 not 6 , my ds at 16 sometimes falls asleep watching movies , I don't send him to bed now at 9 pm and didn't at 14 he is not a little child , guessing ss comes over at weekends as well so late nights aren't an issue

Just ask your SS what he wants.

In the real world, all children should be welcomed into their home with their parent. Even if they don’t live in that home for the majority of the time. Teenagers should be loved as much as the younger children are.

Yes. That's why they aren't making him sleep in a tent in the garden. The current plan for him to get the bedroom to himself for those 3-4 nights a month shows he's welcome. Or sharing with his brother shows this too. A bed to himself shows this. He doesn't need his own bedroom.

[quote worriedatthistime]@TracyMosby hes 14 not 6 , my ds at 16 sometimes falls asleep watching movies , I don't send him to bed now at 9 pm and didn't at 14 he is not a little child , guessing ss comes over at weekends as well so late nights aren't an issue [/quote]
So you leave him on the sofa all night, like op? And just watch tv around him?

@ouesyesh people aren't thick. You have to live within your means and sometimes it may mean living a way you don't want

Good grief, people leap on threads on this board just looking for somewhere to stick their knife. It’s horrible. There’s nothing that suggests DSS isn’t loved or they don’t want him to stay over.

I would definitely say boys room with bunk beds.

So I am assuming there are two doubles and a smaller room.

I would do it:
Master - you and DH
2nd room - DS and SS I would recommend a triple bunk we had one off marketplace for a great price

Box room: DD

@TracyMosby I don't watch tv around him no we have tv upstairs , if he falls asleep there thats up to him, when we are up in the morning he naturally wakes up and retreats up to his room
Do you have teenagers ?

Bunk beds, older boy gets top bunk - his own little area. Add shelves and storage etc. This way he can chill up there too as apposed to just sleep. Have his own little space. But I think it’s important to ask him what he wants. Talk to all of your children and decide as a family together!

@ouesyesh

Ok for Christ's sake it was decided before hand. I just wanted to see what others opinions on this were!!

Why cant people just answer. So many nosey questions and unnecessary remarks.

My plan was to give SS the second bedroom and have it be his choice of decor etc & totally his when he is over. Ds will sleep in there all the other nights as he is little decor isnt a big deal, all his clothes/toys are in our room.

DH thinks pull out bed due to some months only having ss one night, he is getting older and prefers to be at home.

So to the lovely person calling me selfish, actually no i am not.

@ouesyesh I'll answer sensibly and not judgementally.

As a former step-child, I'd say it's important the child feels heard in whatever decisions you make and not as though he's been chucked into the cupboard under the stairs without any thought (which obviously isn't the case if you're worrying about this now ahead of time).

He needs some space of his own when he comes to yours and needs to feel like it's his home too.

You could put a twin bed in the four year olds room with a chest of drawers / night stand specifically for your SC. Those two could share or if you felt the SC needs his space maybe the 4yo could sleep on a camp bed in your room or his sister's room on those occasions.

Separating the living room would also work but depends whether that might make him feel uncomfortable as he has nowhere to withdraw to if he needs to.

It's stressful visiting separated parents, don't be fooled by any brave faces he might put on. Divorced kids are good at hiding their true feelings.

@TracyMosby

This was what we could afford, i am really sorry about about how selfish we are

That sounds like sarcasm. But it is actually selfish. You had a boy and a girl already and chose to have a third child who you couldn't accommodate within your finances. It is selfish.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there’s currently a housing crisis and a huge rising cost of living crisis. You only have to look around the rest of mumsnet to see families are struggling massively. I personally could afford lots of things when I had kids that I can’t now.

Get your head out of your ass. The OP is not selfish. The kids have a roof over their heads, which is more than many poor families have at the moment.

I swear to god, the step parent board is like another planet!

I would say resident kids have their own rooms but when SS sleeps 4 year old comes into your room so SS has their own space. Would also decorate it so they both like the room and give them their own drawers and stuff

All these replies saying "why didn't you just buy a bigger house?" Not everyone has the luxury of being able to afford that 🙄

Tbh OP I would chat to DSS, just ask what he would be happiest with. If he was staying half the week you'd need to look for a more permanent solution but for a few nights a month - either little one camps out in your room leaving his room for dss, the boys go in together, or little one could sleep in big sister's room.

I would do a bunk /pull out bed in ds’ room, and make it both their room but dss welcome to sleep on the couch, and ds in your room if eg dss wanted a friend to stay. Because that way you don’t have to move the goal posts later- you can’t have ds have a bed in your room for too much longer and I’d feel awful feeling like I was taking dss room even though they would always have had to share in the end.

They do now but didn't used to.
This is a dreadful board for advice, you're not allowed to say anything negative about SCs or being a SM. You're expected to put your own children last.
Anyway, something like this?
www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/hemnes-day-bed-frame-with-3-drawers-white-90349326/

In our previous 3 bed, we had a large kitchen diner and fairly large living room. I thought about dividing up the living room to make a closed off bedroom and opening the other part of the living room into the kitchen diner, so that it became kitchen, dining, living.

If you got a really good sofa bed, DSS's room could be a TV snug when he's not there. If you have that layout.

@BadNomad

On MN stepchildren are supposed to be treated better than your own children.

Meanwhile, in the real world, your daughter gets a room to herself and the brothers share. Either bunkbeds, 2 singles, or a trundle.

Seriously? People saying OP's stepson should have a bed to sleep in is treating them as more important than the other children?

I give up with this place.

It’s a tricky one OP and like so many things in blended families fraught with different opinions on who thinks what’s fair mixed up with a load of guilt etc. We lived in a 3 bed when it was just DSD and DS but we had our loft converted when we had our 2nd so everyone could have their own room, lost a small room on 1st floor to create two medium ones in the loft, would this be something you could look into for the future to solve your problem?

If everyone is happy then it's fine

I think your plan to have the boys share is fine but I think it's a bit strange to frame it as it's DSS's room that DS sleeps in the rest of the time, like you've said. The rest of the time is most of the time, if anything it will be more DS's room, but you might as well frame it as them sharing. The way you've laid it out - that it's primarily DSS's room - would have me agreeing with your DH.

It doesn't need to be decorated drastically differently for either of them, either, just paint it a normal colour, what else is there?

I wouldn't do what others are saying and have DS come in with you when DSS is there. This is the sort of thing that gets suggested when the younger child is a baby or toddler but he's 4, soon he will be 5, then 6, then 7 etc. He's not really the malleable, oblivious age I would expect him not to sleep in his bedroom for those nights. I'd just put bunk beds in and have them share the room. If DSS wants some space he can just sleep on the sofa, as he often does anyway.

OP - you and your DP were a little short sighted - not blaming the SM, blaming you both as a couple.

The DSS will stay over less - one age but two if you do not have abed and there is one close by why would you.

That your DP accepts his son has no place in his home is a sad reflection on him. Am assuming he did not have a bed in your previous place - which if this was the case and then the family moved and there waas no consideration of the space for his son - good example of piss poor parenting from the father.

?Usual comment on here is - only 4 more years and you can not worry he will be gone to college.

Hate these threads - no one comes out well in them

familyissues = the step child should have a bed to sleep in, in their fathers house. That is basic and not prioritising them over the resident children.

No one has said a room - they have said a bed

And no one has step children should be treated better than the resident children - awful lot of imaginary guilt.

Like most other people have said, bunk beds or a trundle in your DS room. DSS may not stay over much at all, but it's an important principle that there is somewhere for him to sleep should he want to.

Also if you buy something good quality it will be useful when your DS is older if he ever wants to have a friend round for a sleepover.