Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Always going 'halfers' on everything for DSC.

108 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 11:42

Just looking for an outsiders perspective please as my friends are shocked at this.

I have been married to DH for 7 years. He has one child from previous relationship and I have been in their life since they were 3. Close relationship etc. I also have my own DC with my husband.

As far as I can remember, I have always paid half of whatever is bought for DSS. E.g. go karting sessions (where me and DH have just watched from the side), football training, clothing, honestly - everything when DSS is with us.

So not to drip feed, he pays maintenance through CSA, has a good relationship with DSS's mum. I wasn't the OW - we all get on really well.

It doesn't really bother me as he's a part of our family, but my friends think that's cheeky of my husband to expect me to pay half for things.

Thoughts? I know ultimately if I'm happy to do so then what's the problem, but I'm just curious :)

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 14:45

Just to clarify even though I pay for everything I stated, DH will give me half back.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 14:48

And to the PP stating that paying doesn't make a good step parent, you are right but it is an indication of where they prioritise in my life. I treat them as I would my own. Or at least I like to think I do.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 14:49

@deflatedbirthday

And to the PP stating that paying doesn't make a good step parent, you are right but it is an indication of where they prioritise in my life. I treat them as I would my own. Or at least I like to think I do.
Yep, it's the indication that anyone that doesn't is a bad step parent that doesn't sit well.
PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 14:53

In my mind and our situation DSC has two parents who can pay for things like uniforms & clubs and all the rest.

I don't split hairs over household bills but absolutely have no intention of forking out half for hobbies and shoes and clothes.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 14:54

@aSofaNearYou ah I see what you mean. Absolutely not. I'm fortunate that I can do it I suppose (probably due to my lack of biological DC). If the situation were different I may not be able to but that wouldn't stop me taking an interest, ferrying to hobbies etc. I think from the DC point of view those are the things that matter? They're too young to understand the value of things monetarily but they do appreciate me going on camp with them for example.

Blendiful · 14/04/2022 14:55

We have a bit of a mixed bag. But as you say ultimately it’s what you are happy with.

We pay each for our kids clubs and don’t split this. However we split the cost of clothes, school uniforms, items for the home etc equally. We have no joint DC but have 2 DC each so in theory it kind of all evens out. However DP has one of his DC much more than the other (different DMs) so essentially he probably ends up paying more for my kids than I do for his. But in the long run it’ll probably even out somewhere. I never expected it from him but he insisted he wanted to just split it half and half, so we have.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 14/04/2022 14:56

Ultimately OP if you reckon your DSC might well be the one sorting you out a care home that doesn't smell of wee in 40 years' time, win-win. It's up to you but what goes around comes around.

ReadyToMoveIt · 14/04/2022 14:58

Isn’t it a logistical nightmare to always split things 50:50? So for example if you take your step child go karting and it’s £22, would you both count out £11 and hand it over? Or ask them to put half each on each debit card? How does it work when you go out for a meal?
Surely easier to have all child expenses coming out of the joint account?

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 15:01

For those saying children are joint costs. They are yes if they are your children. This boy isn’t OP’s child therefore it is not on her to contribute. It is for his parents to share the cost. Simple as that really

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:02

It's an eye opener hearing how many split things like uniform etc.. I'd never dream of paying half of SC's uniform. My husband and his ex pay half each for stuff like that. I can't imagine him ever hinting let alone asking that I contribute to stuff like that.

Nothing wrong with it at all. Just surprised!

bigbluebus · 14/04/2022 15:02

Seems a little strange to me that you pay for things for your DSS out of money allocated to your sole account. But if you're happy with the arrangement then it is none of your friend's business.

Soontobe60 · 14/04/2022 15:08

Technically, me and dh paid half each for everything for my DD - his stepDD as we have always had a joint account where our salaries both get paid in. I’ve never asked him, he’s never brought it up. If she needed anything, it was just paid for from our joint account.

whynotwhatknot · 14/04/2022 15:18

So theres 3 adults paying towards this child and only 2 parents paying towards yours

doesnt make sense to me

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 15:27

So he pays maintenance then you pay into a joint account for bills then have the same amount into private accounts. Then if you take DSs Go karting for £10 you hand a fiver over to pay your half? What happens if next week you take your child that isn't his ice skating for £10?

I think I'd he OK with "roughly we spend £200on the kids a month so let's put that in the joint account half each" than "I'm taking Bob out, I need half the money for it"

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 15:27

From a uniform point of view, I have sets here for when the DSC are with us. They come mid week and I wash and iron the uniform that they come in and send back with them at the weekend when they go to their DM. DM sorts her own uniform but can be a bit more lax about getting things when they grow out of it, buying the right colour trousers etc so we just sort our own. I'm solely responsible for buying all their clothes for their time with us. I just tell DH how much and we go halves or he pays for something to a similar value later. Sometimes I don't ask him depending on how flush I am that month. These kids live with me as much as they do their DM. I want them to look smart and take pride in their appearance. That's my prerogative.

Halo1234 · 14/04/2022 15:31

I think its fine.
You each take the same amount of money for yourselves into your own account and each pay 50% for children's clothes and outings. Dont waste time worrying about who belongs to who genetically. Your a family and its only money. Just my opinion.

@whynotwhatknot not really because the step child isn't there 100% of the time so they are not paying to feed and entertain him 100% of the time.

If everybody feels secure, thatthey are loved and has enough it doesn't really matter. I would not give it another thought tbh.

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:32

I'm solely responsible for buying all their clothes for their time with us

Why? 😳

Each to their own. I personally would view this as my husband trying to get out of his responsibilities to his own children and leaving it to the women in his life i.e. mum does it on her time and you do it on his.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 15:34

@PullTheOther1ne because I choose to be. I enjoy picking them and intend to buy what they like. DH would struggle. Especially for DSD as she's quite particular. I like to buy matching sets of things so they can mix and match. Leave it to DH and nothing would go together! I don't see it as a big deal really.

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:37

I don't see it as a big deal really.

It just makes me wonder what else you're solely responsible for when she's with you. I hope he doesn't leave everything to you.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 15:38

@PullTheOther1ne just to add, DH does his fair share. He's much better with the entertainment side of things than I am. I'm more practical and they come to me for help with homework etc and I have absolutely no issue with this. At bed time we each read with or talk with both DSC and swap. DH deals with bath times and their morning routine mainly. I do the school runs due to logistics. It works for us.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 15:39

@PullTheOther1ne we also split appointments. I do opticians. He does dentist. Doctors is whoever is available as it's more ad hoc.

Sarkymarky · 14/04/2022 15:43

OP you sound like a lovely step mum and a really supportive partner. If it works for you then carry on.It really is nothing to do with anybody else x

vivkensington · 14/04/2022 15:45

As you were! If it's working for you don't change it. As long as you are in a fully committed, happy relationship where you both contribute in all senses of the word then I really don't think it's strange or wrong. I wouldn't want to count the £££ for the kids.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 15:48

@vivkensington exactly this! OP if it works for you bare no mind to what other people think. I've had my fair share of comments about how much I do but it doesn't stop me. If I was unhappy then I'd stop.

whynotwhatknot · 14/04/2022 16:05

@Halo1234

I think its fine. You each take the same amount of money for yourselves into your own account and each pay 50% for children's clothes and outings. Dont waste time worrying about who belongs to who genetically. Your a family and its only money. Just my opinion.

@whynotwhatknot not really because the step child isn't there 100% of the time so they are not paying to feed and entertain him 100% of the time.

If everybody feels secure, thatthey are loved and has enough it doesn't really matter. I would not give it another thought tbh.

she buys clothing surely thats between his parents
Swipe left for the next trending thread