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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Always going 'halfers' on everything for DSC.

108 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 11:42

Just looking for an outsiders perspective please as my friends are shocked at this.

I have been married to DH for 7 years. He has one child from previous relationship and I have been in their life since they were 3. Close relationship etc. I also have my own DC with my husband.

As far as I can remember, I have always paid half of whatever is bought for DSS. E.g. go karting sessions (where me and DH have just watched from the side), football training, clothing, honestly - everything when DSS is with us.

So not to drip feed, he pays maintenance through CSA, has a good relationship with DSS's mum. I wasn't the OW - we all get on really well.

It doesn't really bother me as he's a part of our family, but my friends think that's cheeky of my husband to expect me to pay half for things.

Thoughts? I know ultimately if I'm happy to do so then what's the problem, but I'm just curious :)

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 14/04/2022 11:45

Agree 100% with your friend.
Your husband is taking advantage of you.

Littlemissprosecco · 14/04/2022 11:46

You love him, and treat him as a second mum, what’s the problem?
He’d feel less part of the family if he knew you weren’t keen to pay for things for him

Vsirbdo · 14/04/2022 11:47

I’ve always paid half when we do family days out or meals out, holidays etc but I’ve never paid for clothes or classes unless I bought DSD a dress I really liked randomly. I’m not sure we ever really discussed it but I wouldn’t see buying clothes and paying for classes or clubs as my responsibility and I think it’s quite cheeky of your DH to expect that

annabell22 · 14/04/2022 11:49

Do you split costs for your shared children 50/50?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 11:50

Do you have joint or separate finances? I have two DSC and one shared DC and no one would be paying half because while we have joint and individual accounts it’s all shared money.

If you’re happy and feel part of a fair team rather than like you’re being taken advantage of, or that your own DC are missing out, then it’s fine. If you have separate money how do you pay for things for joint DC? Fairly between you or are you bearing the brunt?

Rememberitwell · 14/04/2022 11:51

Is it from a joint account that you both pay into? Do you both work and earn a similar amount? Do you have separate money or family money?

If it’s from family money that you use for days out etc and your other children are there, I think it sounds ok. If it’s literally dividing it up and you handing over half the cash for just his activities it doesn’t sound right.

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/04/2022 11:51

His mother and father need to go 50/50. Your husband is taking the piss.

NerdyBird · 14/04/2022 11:52

We share household costs and things like days out or holidays, but things like clothes, clubs, pocket money or a trip just DH and DSC he will pay himself. We don't have fully shared finances partly for this reason.

Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 11:56

Our salaries are paid into a joint account where all bills are paid. We have a joint savings account and also our own accounts where we each have our own amount (he earns more than me but we take the same amount). E.g, we both take £800 (not that amount, just an example) for our own accounts and that's to spend on what we wish. It's from this sum that we split the costs on for both children.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 14/04/2022 11:58

Well I don't understand why child costs from from your "own" accounts and not the joint account? That's just weird. Children are joint costs. Theoretically, he should perhaps be paying more into the joint account to cover the cost of his child, but if you don't mind that being a family expense, then no problem - you both agree what the total family expenses are, including DC and DSC, and apportion the joint account accordingly.

All our money is shared so if we give money to someone in DH's family, it's shared money. [shrug]

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 12:06

Well in those circumstances activities for his son should come out of his spending money.

Is the maintenance paid as a household bill before you split the rest? If so you’re contributing to that as well.

Arianya · 14/04/2022 12:10

He’s taking the piss. DSS is not your child and you shouldn’t be paying.

QuirkyTurtle · 14/04/2022 12:11

I don't think it's abnormal, but not everyone's blended families are structured that way. It's especially hard for people to understand if they've never been in that type of situation.

I also pay for half of everything, or more than half usually since I'm the higher earner in my household. But I also get equal say in everything so I'm happy with this setup.

Maybe83 · 14/04/2022 12:12

We have joint finances. So it's all our money. We have one child each and one together.

So technically I suppose we pay half of costs for all of them for anything they need. Although I earn more so if we were being pedantic it would be me contributing more their overall costs. We spend money on the older two the same as our youngest they get what they want and need within budget we have.

Just leave money in the joint account allocated for expenses relating to the children and spend from that.

If you wanted to split finances would you be happy if he took more money for his individual account than you because he earns more?

If your happy with how your families finances work it's really nothing to do with your friend.

Obelisk · 14/04/2022 12:12

I'd pay for this stuff out of the joint account. DSS may not be your child but he is part of your family.

Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 12:13

@AnneLovesGilbert

Well in those circumstances activities for his son should come out of his spending money.

Is the maintenance paid as a household bill before you split the rest? If so you’re contributing to that as well.

He contributes a considerable amount more to the joint account so the maintenance is covered by him.
OP posts:
Mariposista · 14/04/2022 12:15

Provided you’re happy to do it and this isn’t something that’s ‘expected’ of you, no problem. You choose how you want to spend your money. You sound like a nice SM

Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 12:15

@Mariposista

Provided you’re happy to do it and this isn’t something that’s ‘expected’ of you, no problem. You choose how you want to spend your money. You sound like a nice SM
Thank you so much ❤️
OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 14/04/2022 12:22

I think if this arrangement works for you and your family it is not anyone else's business.

lunar1 · 14/04/2022 12:25

Do your friends who think it's cheeky know that the money you have per month is higher because he earns significantly more than you?

How different would things actually be if you both just accessed your own money and you paid half for your child and he paid for 1.5 children's expenses? Would you be better worse off?

MarriedThreeChildren · 14/04/2022 12:28

Money spent on your together children should not go out from ‘money for yourself ’. They are an expense that should come out of the joint pot.
Whether the cost of looking after dsc should also come out of the common pot is a discussion to have. But your DH might well be left with nothing for himself if you were doing that.

Personally, I’d say that it should all be common pot stuff for all the dcs for all ay to say things. If he wants to spend a big amount that the other children would not get (let’s say participate in paying for a very big hols for dcs when the other dcs won’t have a hols) then it should be ‘his’ money

arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2022 12:29

Yes but he presumably contributes more to the joint account because you do more of the childcare?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/04/2022 12:48

It just sounds odd.
Leave more in the joint account and pay for kids from that.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 12:52

Sounds like you have similar set up to me with the seperate and joint accounts.

I insist on DH paying maintenance out of his pot. I refuse to pay into an account where money is being paid to his ex.

Meals out for all of us we pay from joint account. Because I don't mind paying for part of the DSC's meals.

Days out/holidays. He covers DSC and half of shared DC.

Inertia · 14/04/2022 12:55

I’d look at an additional account for the children’s expenses- he puts in 2/3, you put in 1/3- and you reduce the amount you take as individual spending money.