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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Always going 'halfers' on everything for DSC.

108 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 11:42

Just looking for an outsiders perspective please as my friends are shocked at this.

I have been married to DH for 7 years. He has one child from previous relationship and I have been in their life since they were 3. Close relationship etc. I also have my own DC with my husband.

As far as I can remember, I have always paid half of whatever is bought for DSS. E.g. go karting sessions (where me and DH have just watched from the side), football training, clothing, honestly - everything when DSS is with us.

So not to drip feed, he pays maintenance through CSA, has a good relationship with DSS's mum. I wasn't the OW - we all get on really well.

It doesn't really bother me as he's a part of our family, but my friends think that's cheeky of my husband to expect me to pay half for things.

Thoughts? I know ultimately if I'm happy to do so then what's the problem, but I'm just curious :)

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 12:58

@Inertia

I’d look at an additional account for the children’s expenses- he puts in 2/3, you put in 1/3- and you reduce the amount you take as individual spending money.

I'm not sure it should be 2/3 it depends on how often the DSC are there and their ages and needs. He needs to pay for half of shared DC too. Makes more sense to keep shared DC costs in joint account and DH can spend whatever he wants on DSC from his own account.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2022 12:59

Your friend is just saying what lots of other people would think, probably out of a place of concern that he’s taking the piss.
If you’re truly happy with it though then that’s all that matters. Your dss would feel part of family even without the amount of generosity from you, so don’t feel guilty if you ever reduce the amount you pay.

Goldbar · 14/04/2022 13:02

The children are a joint expense and should come out of the joint account, as should family days out etc.

I don't think there's anything strange about you paying towards DSC since you clearly regard him as a 'child of the family' when he is with you rather than your DH's child (which is lovely).

DoubleGauze · 14/04/2022 13:04

If it works for you then it's none of their business.

The fact that he earns more yet you have equal spending money shows that you live as a family and share finances fairly.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 13:12

@Goldbar

The children are a joint expense and should come out of the joint account, as should family days out etc.

I don't think there's anything strange about you paying towards DSC since you clearly regard him as a 'child of the family' when he is with you rather than your DH's child (which is lovely).

They are only a joint expense if you are happy for this though OP. And take into account it means less discretionary spending for you.

supersop60 · 14/04/2022 13:13

@ItsMeRhondaFromPS129

Our salaries are paid into a joint account where all bills are paid. We have a joint savings account and also our own accounts where we each have our own amount (he earns more than me but we take the same amount). E.g, we both take £800 (not that amount, just an example) for our own accounts and that's to spend on what we wish. It's from this sum that we split the costs on for both children.

So you have the same spending money even though you put less in?Your DH is subsidising your spending, so what you could do is take less from the account for your spending, and DH pays for everything for DSS. If you are comfortable with the way things are, just ignore your friends.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 14/04/2022 13:16

I don’t think it’s right or wrong as long as you are ok with it, that’s what matters. My children, I pay the majority for them as they aren’t DPs (again he’s been in their lives since they were small). He’s probably happily pay but they are my responsibility so I do. When we go on holiday I cover their costs, I pay their childcare but if we go out for dinner it goes on the joint account, which we put different amounts in (worked out on a budget of costs for all of us, with him paying for him and me covering me and my DCs). If he takes them out then he’ll pay himself but there is no obligation on him.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 14/04/2022 13:17

Just to add, I pay through choice not because he wouldn’t if I wanted or needed him to but I like being independent of him in this way.

mamawho99 · 14/04/2022 13:17

I think you sound lovely.

I think if you are not expected to do it and are just happy to do it, then that's great. I don't think he's taking the piss unless he is kicking up a stink if you didn't pay halves etc.

You are treating him as you would your own child and have been in his life from a very young age. He sounds like a very lucky little boy.

FairyCakeWings · 14/04/2022 13:19

Do you mean you’re paying half out of the individual spending money you each have instead of out of the joint account?

I don’t think it’s a problem if it’s coming out of the joint account.

Jobsharenightmare · 14/04/2022 13:20

Similar set up here OP. My husband pays a lot more into the joint account which I also contribute to and my now adult step children's costs come out of that.

Goldbar · 14/04/2022 13:20

@NotTheOW. I thought that the OP would get more, not less, if the children were treated as a joint expense since her DH pays more into the joint account. So he'd be paying a greater share of the children's expenses.

NuffSaidSam · 14/04/2022 13:21

I don't think anyone can give you an answer because we don't every detail of you finances.

Whether it's a good/fair setup is going to depend on how much each of you work and earn, how much childcare each of you does, what the household expenses are, pension plans, mortgage details, how much you actually spend on the DSC and how often he's there etc. There are too many variables.

Ultimately if you're happy and it works, carry on.
If you're not happy, crunch the numbers and speak to your husband about changing the system.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/04/2022 13:24

Me and my partner put in to our joint account, he puts in more than me because he earns more and I work part time to look after our baby. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has two children from previous relationship. Everything we spend comes from our joint account, bills, food, days out etc etc and ultimately I guess when we go out he has two children and I have one but it's never bothered me. We only keep money in our sole accounts to cover personal bills like phone bills etc.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 13:40

I think he would be taking the piss to expect it. But if you're happy to do it there isn't really a problem.

It feels like it would make more sense for the kids stuff to just come out of the joint account though, what's the point of having seperate accounts if you split everything equally anyway?

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 14:06

[quote Goldbar]@NotTheOW. I thought that the OP would get more, not less, if the children were treated as a joint expense since her DH pays more into the joint account. So he'd be paying a greater share of the children's expenses.[/quote]
Yes but OP can say actually no, your kids come out of your money.

It all depends on your set up, if you worry about splitting up etc and your own financial future.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 14:07

@NuffSaidSam

I don't think anyone can give you an answer because we don't every detail of you finances.

Ultimately if you're happy and it works, carry on.
If you're not happy, crunch the numbers and speak to your husband about changing the system.

Agree with this. Its such a tricky thing to get right

Bournetilly · 14/04/2022 14:14

I think it sounds like a good set up and if you’re happy with it ignore your friends. You pay half towards DSS but your DH pays more towards the bills each month so probably works out similar anyway.

Bournetilly · 14/04/2022 14:15

Also agree you do sound like a good step parent

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 14:25

I feel you can also be a good step parent without paying for them also just to point out here "good stepparenting" doesn't mean "pays for the DSC".

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 14:26

Likewise I could chuck loads of money my DSCs way and be an evil stepmum

ancientgran · 14/04/2022 14:32

Well if he puts more money into the joint account but you both get the same out it doesn't seem unreasonable but apart from that if you are happy I think it is fine and it is lovely that you operate happily as one family.

I think people are looking for problems where there just aren't any.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 14:33

@NotTheOW

I feel you can also be a good step parent without paying for them also just to point out here "good stepparenting" doesn't mean "pays for the DSC".

Yeah I agree. Not feeling the implications behind all the "you sound like a good step parent" comments.

Fango · 14/04/2022 14:38

Bills / food I'd go half.

But things like clothes, hobbies etc.. I'd expect their parents to go 50:50 not you. Personally I wouldn't be happy with that expectation but I guess if you're fine with it then it's irrelevant.

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 14:45

Only DSC here, none of our own, and we go 50/50 on all child related stuff. In fact I probably pay more for them. I deal with uniform for our half of the time, school shoes, coats, beavers fees, school trips. It's never occurred to me not to. They are my family. DH pays maintenance (we used to be less than 50/50) as we felt it was the right thing to do and we want to ensure they are always provided for. I always knew DH had DC so it was a considered decision on my part to join his family.

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