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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Always going 'halfers' on everything for DSC.

108 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 14/04/2022 11:42

Just looking for an outsiders perspective please as my friends are shocked at this.

I have been married to DH for 7 years. He has one child from previous relationship and I have been in their life since they were 3. Close relationship etc. I also have my own DC with my husband.

As far as I can remember, I have always paid half of whatever is bought for DSS. E.g. go karting sessions (where me and DH have just watched from the side), football training, clothing, honestly - everything when DSS is with us.

So not to drip feed, he pays maintenance through CSA, has a good relationship with DSS's mum. I wasn't the OW - we all get on really well.

It doesn't really bother me as he's a part of our family, but my friends think that's cheeky of my husband to expect me to pay half for things.

Thoughts? I know ultimately if I'm happy to do so then what's the problem, but I'm just curious :)

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Persephonegoddess · 14/04/2022 16:08

All child costs should come out of pot in joint account. Any clubs/ trips should be 50/50 bio mum and dad with your family 50% from joint acct. any other version is just biased and uneven.

SemperIdem · 14/04/2022 16:16

I’m relatively new to step parenting but have been someone’s step child since I was a child.

My step parent was like you op, they are every bit as loved as my biological parents. You sound lovely.

As long as you are happy with the arrangement as it is and don’t feel you have been subtly forced, then it is absolutely fine.

As a step parent myself, at the moment I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement. Mostly because my child’s father doesn’t contribute towards clothes, activities etc in any meaningful way so I am already paying full whack for our child in that respect and often have to replace items that travel to his home and never return. My step children are lovely but there’s a few of them so financially I couldn’t do it. I’d never refuse them a treat if my child was having one though, if you see what I mean?

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 16:21

Yep, it's the indication that anyone that doesn't is a bad step parent that doesn't sit well. yes that's what I was trying to say sorry. The two aren't linked. I minimise how much I pay towards my DSC as they have two parents able to contribute and I need to focus on saving for my child and my future.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 16:44

@deflatedbirthday

And to the PP stating that paying doesn't make a good step parent, you are right but it is an indication of where they prioritise in my life. I treat them as I would my own. Or at least I like to think I do.
Fair enough. They aren't though and if you split up with their dad then you may never see them again. Also if mum is in the picture she may resent you.
MarriedThreeChildren · 14/04/2022 16:46

@NotTheOW

Yep, it's the indication that anyone that doesn't is a bad step parent that doesn't sit well. yes that's what I was trying to say sorry. The two aren't linked. I minimise how much I pay towards my DSC as they have two parents able to contribute and I need to focus on saving for my child and my future.
It makes sense to do that @NotTheOW if you have a partner. Much less so if you are married imo
deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 16:48

@NotTheOW
I'm fully aware that they aren't my own. To be honest I don't think step parents can win. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I can only do what I think is right at the time. My contribution means that DSC can do things and have things they may not be able to otherwise (that's not a snub to their DM or my DH but they would struggle from both a time and money perspective). I am not their mum. Nor do I profess to be. I'm just an additional person who cares a great deal about them and I don't think kids can have too many of those.

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 16:48

I need to focus on saving for my child and my future.

This is how I feel. And I am married to DSC dad! Mt priority for my money is my DC. My SC has a Mum to prioritise spending on them and all have the same Dad to spend equally on them.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 16:49

It makes sense to do that @NotTheOW if you have a partner. Much less so if you are married imo

I'm married. My DH hasn't saved for his DSC and I'm a high earner so able to save for our shared DC

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 16:53

[quote deflatedbirthday]@NotTheOW
I'm fully aware that they aren't my own. To be honest I don't think step parents can win. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I can only do what I think is right at the time. My contribution means that DSC can do things and have things they may not be able to otherwise (that's not a snub to their DM or my DH but they would struggle from both a time and money perspective). I am not their mum. Nor do I profess to be. I'm just an additional person who cares a great deal about them and I don't think kids can have too many of those. [/quote]
You seem very aware of the situation so that's good. You do see stepmums on here who give financially and their time only to have their hearts ripped out when dsc leave

hullaballoo19 · 14/04/2022 16:57

Been with dp since dd was 6 (she's now 10 and a half). Dp and I have always completely shared our finances so wouldn't have been a case of us 'splitting' 50/50 iyswim (like if we went on a day out we would just interchangeably use either persons money, rather than being aware of the total cost and splitting it 50/50). And that extends to anything dd (who isn't his biological child) needs, or we do with her etc etc (as well as anything either of us needs, or is needed for the household in general). In our view he is co parenting with me and shares the costs of the child we co parent (and we share a life together so our life costs are shared). DD's dad is also involved in her life, pays £50 cm a month and contributes to other costs (clubs, uniform, school trips). But I know a lot of people don't believe in sharing finances quite like we do, or sharing the cost of a step child, so it really depends on how you both feel about what's fair or right!

deflatedbirthday · 14/04/2022 16:58

@NotTheOW
I guess I just can't live my life on what might happen. Live in the moment. I very rarely think of the kids as step children. They are simply my family. I am very involved in their lives. But equally I can very aware of my position and do not over step the mark knowingly. Their mum will always be their mum. If for whatever reason she or DH can't be there for something, I am there and the kids have no issue with this. It works for us. If it stops working then I'll reconsider my position.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 17:06

It makes sense to do that @NotTheOW if you have a partner. Much less so if you are married imo

Why doesn't it? It makes perfect sense!

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 17:06

@deflatedbirthday that's fair enough. I prefer to have back up plans. Especially as DH has one failed marriage already.but can totally understand your point of view.

worriedatthistime · 14/04/2022 17:13

Does he pay half for your dc?

worriedatthistime · 14/04/2022 17:14

Sorry read that wrong thought you had dc with ex husband - sorry

worriedatthistime · 14/04/2022 17:24

ISn't it just up to people how they choose to do it as long as all are happy
Just because one person does it one way and one another , there are no wrong or rights , just what works for you

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 17:26

@worriedatthistime

ISn't it just up to people how they choose to do it as long as all are happy Just because one person does it one way and one another , there are no wrong or rights , just what works for you
I agree with this as long as it is genuinely 100% what the stepparent wants to do with no undue pressure and aware of their positional and the future
mocktail · 14/04/2022 17:34

If he's on good terms with his ex, why does he pay child maintenance via the CSA (CMS) rather than direct? That's an expensive way of doing it isn't it, as fees are added to the amount?

Apologies if I've misunderstood.

Always going 'halfers' on everything for DSC.
PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 17:34

@worriedatthistime

ISn't it just up to people how they choose to do it as long as all are happy Just because one person does it one way and one another , there are no wrong or rights , just what works for you
It depends on the circumstances.

I don't think it is right if the step parent is doing absolutely everything for their SC even if they are happy with it. Children should see their parent making the effort and not leaving everything to their partner.

C25kBecky · 14/04/2022 17:49

@ItsMeRhondaFromPS129

Just looking for an outsiders perspective please as my friends are shocked at this.

I have been married to DH for 7 years. He has one child from previous relationship and I have been in their life since they were 3. Close relationship etc. I also have my own DC with my husband.

As far as I can remember, I have always paid half of whatever is bought for DSS. E.g. go karting sessions (where me and DH have just watched from the side), football training, clothing, honestly - everything when DSS is with us.

So not to drip feed, he pays maintenance through CSA, has a good relationship with DSS's mum. I wasn't the OW - we all get on really well.

It doesn't really bother me as he's a part of our family, but my friends think that's cheeky of my husband to expect me to pay half for things.

Thoughts? I know ultimately if I'm happy to do so then what's the problem, but I'm just curious :)

Thanks for reading

If you don't have joint money, he's a fucking pisstaker. Big time.
Sunnytwobridges · 14/04/2022 18:00

So normally I would say no way you should be paying half for anything. But I realize that I think about my ex and his DC who was horrible to me, so that would drive my decision. However if the DC is a good kid and DH isn't taking advantage then I wouldn't have a problem with it. For me it's more about how the DC treats me, if they are respectful and don't cause any issues. Shouldn't be that way but it's what drives me decision. lol

sophienelisse · 14/04/2022 20:20

My DH earns a lot more than me.

We pay joint for all of our kids.

None together.

All money is joint.

If it were reversed and I was the higher earner it would be the same.

Saying that, we are very lucky as we all fit nicely together and are close.

Starseeking · 14/04/2022 21:33

It sounds like all your money is joint, and you are both happy with the arrangements, so I'd ignore your friends comments, and not discuss the matter again with them in future.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2022 00:21

We have a joint savings account and also our own accounts where we each have our own amount (he earns more than me but we take the same amount). E.g, we both take £800 (not that amount, just an example) for our own accounts and that's to spend on what we wish. It's from this sum that we split the costs on for both children.

Given that your DH earned more than you, I think splitting costs for DSS is okay, because if he kept his salary and got kept yours, he'd have more than you.

SpinningMeSoftly · 15/04/2022 00:37

Why would your friends offer an opinion? I wouldn't want that unless I invited it.

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