Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I don't like my stepchild

135 replies

anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:24

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant.
So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it.

My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child.
I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

OP posts:
Maternitynamechange · 05/04/2022 13:26

You have to go. If you think he’s horrible, he knows that. This is so unhealthy.

AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 13:26

Oh what a mess. The child is 7 or 8?

What does your partner do when he does these things?

Original poster
anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:28

@AchillesPoirot

Oh what a mess. The child is 7 or 8?

What does your partner do when he does these things?

He's 9 now. He can be a lovely child he really can and he's so nice but he's so jealous and mean. I feel so guilty for him but I just want my son safe. I can deal with a little jealousy but not when it's threatening too hurt my son.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 13:30

What does your partner do when these incidents happen?

Original poster
anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:31

@AchillesPoirot

Oh what a mess. The child is 7 or 8?

What does your partner do when he does these things?

He will have a word with him in private rather than infront of People, explain why its not ok too say those things even if you haven't physically done them yet (he thinks just because he hasn't done them that it's alright too say those things). Only problem is he will use the threat of 'I wanna go back too mummies'everytime he gets in trouble and will use it as a way of getting away with things
OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/04/2022 13:31

You should split up. That is a very damaged and traumatised little boy who has had an appalling start in life. He needs therapy - and therapeutic parenting - once the issue of his permanent residency is settled.

You need to protect your baby, of course - that's your 100% priority, where it can only be 50% for your partner. You will also be adding to the damaging of the older child by disliking and fearing him. I don't see how staying together can work, for you or or for either of the children.

AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 13:31

Have you yourself gone for any counselling?

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2022 13:31

I'd be very disturbed by this and would not consider living with him full time. How does your DP handle it? If you seperated and he had both children for contact at the same time, could you trust him?

Fireflygal · 05/04/2022 13:31

Honestly this isn't behaviour you can handle yourself. Reframe his behaviour as a traumatised child. He needs urgent help.

Please don't dislike a child who's world has been so insecure that he feels threatened.

Can you access support for him from social services?

Original poster
anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:34

@Greensleeves

You should split up. That is a very damaged and traumatised little boy who has had an appalling start in life. He needs therapy - and therapeutic parenting - once the issue of his permanent residency is settled.

You need to protect your baby, of course - that's your 100% priority, where it can only be 50% for your partner. You will also be adding to the damaging of the older child by disliking and fearing him. I don't see how staying together can work, for you or or for either of the children.

Oh I agree , thankyou .
OP posts:
Iamkmackered1979 · 05/04/2022 13:34

I think this is a child who has a erratic and unsafe home life with mum and his only stability was you and his dad and you’ve now had a baby and your step son doesn’t know where he fits in in all of this.

You say you had a lovely relationship with him pre baby and now he’s horrible? He is a child. He doesn’t know how to tell you he’s struggling with his new sibling and the new family dynamic. So acting out is how he’s telling you. It’s hard for you but I can imagine this little boy is craving someone to give him love, stability and boundaries. All you are seeing is a naughty child but nothing in your post says what you’re both doing about it. His dad needs to step up, recognise his child is having a difficult time, and that he could potentially harm his baby sibling. Seek help from your health visitor if there is ss input via mum then perhap you can get support for your stepson via them, such a shame for this child and I understand you’re worried but both Children’s needs must be met so if it means you leaving so be it.

Lollypop701 · 05/04/2022 13:37

Your Ss can’t have a great time with his mum and sees you as his security. He’s scared that will be taken away too, now you have your own ds. Could you get him some support, counselling etc because that might help? Have you spoken to him, explained there’s enough room in your heart to love lots of people ? What is dad saying? I get that you absolutely have to prioritise your son and his safety but distressed children can say awful things but with no actual intent? I hear your pain, and hope you can get the support you need to sort it out

Mysteryclub · 05/04/2022 13:43

It may be a case where you temporarily move out with your infant son. This will give time for your partner to reflect and take action. He will want his family together, but to do so he will have to find help for his DS9. Help settle him and not see you or his younger brother as a threat. It could be a case of a gradual reintroduction to family life, which may be many months or years. In the meantime the safety of your infant son is paramount.

Mumoblue · 05/04/2022 13:47

This kid needs help. He may be taken away from his mother and he’s acting out and your partner thinks he can fix it with “having a word with him”?

It must be an upsetting situation for you OP but I feel sorry for this child. Obviously any threats to your baby should be taken extremely seriously. I’d be demanding your husband gets this boy some help, and probably moving out in the meantime.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2022 13:48

It makes me deeply uncomfortable how relaxed people's attitudes are about a violent child who is literally threatening to kill your baby. All people seem to feel is "poor boy". There are limits, and this goes way beyond them.

Newuser82 · 05/04/2022 14:11

This must be very distressing for all concerned. How does your partner feel? Does your step son undergo any counselling at all? I can only imagine your worry for your baby and I would also not leave them alone together but I can't help wondering if he came to live with you full time if he in time wouldn't behave better with love and consistency. Obviously I'm no physchologist but it's just my wonderings.

FilledSoda · 05/04/2022 14:32

I'd take my baby and go .
Yes it's awful but your priority is your child .

Bananarama21 · 05/04/2022 14:34

I have a 9 year old that's not standard behaviour, it sounds like he's had an bad upbringing if social services are involved. I'd leave in your circumstances.

Bananarama21 · 05/04/2022 14:35

I always remember that awful kid who killed his younger sister to get back at his mother little girl was defenceless , it was cold and calculating.

Greensleeves · 05/04/2022 14:37

@aSofaNearYou

It makes me deeply uncomfortable how relaxed people's attitudes are about a violent child who is literally threatening to kill your baby. All people seem to feel is "poor boy". There are limits, and this goes way beyond them.
Most people have agreed that the OP needs to prioritise her own child's safety, though. Expressing empathy with the older child - whose behaviour, given his background, isn't all that surprising - doesnt equate to saying OP should put up with it.

I would find it more worrying if posters were demonising this child and portraying him as inherently bad or irredeemable. There's nowhere near enough information to justify that, and most children who display this sort of concerning behaviour can be helped.

Aimee1987 · 05/04/2022 14:38

The older child needs professional intervention so councelling and most probably whole family councelling. This is afr beyond normal sibling jealousy.

I'm sure your already doing this but never leave them alone together

Aimee1987 · 05/04/2022 14:42

My concern if you leave is do you trust his dad not to leave DSS alone with the baby during his time. I know that's not an ideal reason to stay in a relationship but it would need to be a consideration.

Bonheurdupasse · 05/04/2022 14:45

OP

Please consider the worse case scenario, that you split up, your DP has some custody and he doesn't supervise his son enough so he is able to, and does hurt your child.

Start preparing for that eventuality..Can you record the stepson saying those things? Or even your conversations with your DP about it?
As a second step reach out to social services at least there'll be some indirect record there.

All these and anything else that you might think of to avoid the worse case scenario above- I.e. to be able to request in court that your DP only has supervised access.

Change123today · 05/04/2022 14:54

Seems like he hasn’t had the most stable upbringing. And is still in a very unhealthy and could change home life. He is only 9 and there really is so little funding for children that are going through the system and need a safe space to be able to articulate his fears concerns to a therapist.
He can’t do that he doesn’t think like an adult yet adults (in this case his Mum) isn’t providing the right support he seems to really need.

You as mother to your child feel the natural need to protect them which is completely natural and normal! It sad that his older half sibling doesnt seem to have that (again that his parents job)

I think you keep your child safe, if that is walking away you do what you need to do BUT remember this is another adult failing him walking away from him at 9 :( If you decide to stay then his Dad needs to get the school involved and fight for therapy. Whether the school can guide him or he may have to pay privately for it. But doing it now before the child spirals (and gets worse) may just help him back on track.

ellebelli · 05/04/2022 15:04

I think you leaving will reinforce all his fears
So I would definitely look jnto some kind of help for him.
Talk to him both yourself and dad to reassure him.
It is very tough

Swipe left for the next trending thread