Page 4 | I don't like my stepchild

anonymousboymama · 2022-04-05T12:24:55+00:00

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant. So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it. My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child. I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

Hm2020 · 07/04/2022 17:58

This is very sad on everyone but if you split your partner will get 50/50 contact and they you are not there to watch your baby if step carefully here not sure of the answer sorry.

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 17:59

I think you keep your child safe, if that is walking away you do what you need to do BUT remember this is another adult failing him

Which is likely what the behaviour is about, testing to see how far he can push it.

Fireflygal · 07/04/2022 18:00

@aSofaNearYou, a child can do ok if they have "good enough" parenting, the term coined by Donald Winnicott.

Clearly this child hasn't had "good enough"

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 18:06

If OP is pregnant her ability to adequately supervise is soon going to be diminished.

What a mess.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:09

[quote Fireflygal]@aSofaNearYou, a child can do ok if they have "good enough" parenting, the term coined by Donald Winnicott.

Clearly this child hasn't had "good enough"[/quote]
That really has very little to do with what I'm saying.

HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 18:10

@aSofaNearYou

It makes me deeply uncomfortable how relaxed people's attitudes are about a violent child who is literally threatening to kill your baby. All people seem to feel is "poor boy". There are limits, and this goes way beyond them.

You can think poor boy and still want to move away from him though.

SomePosters · 07/04/2022 18:12

Just so you know those of you advocating for turning your back on a 9yo because he’s a step child are the reason I don’t do Step parents.

Would you turn your back on your own child so quickly or would you make some effort to help your child resolve their issues before turfing them out into state care?

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

No wonder there are so many traumatised adults

SomePosters · 07/04/2022 18:14

He needs to feel secure in getting his needs met and in his parents love in order for this behaviour to stop.

He’s acting out because his needs are not being met and he has no way to fix that for himself… because he’s 9

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 18:16

@SomePosters

Just so you know those of you advocating for turning your back on a 9yo because he’s a step child are the reason I don’t do Step parents.

Would you turn your back on your own child so quickly or would you make some effort to help your child resolve their issues before turfing them out into state care?

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

No wonder there are so many traumatised adults

I expect some adults are suffering trauma as a consequence of being abused by their siblings.

OP doesn’t have a responsibility to this child, she doesn’t have to “turn her back” she can support his Dad as a partner from a far but she does not become a parent by default. What is so outrageous about living apart but remaining together?

SomePosters · 07/04/2022 18:20

‘Op doesn’t have a responsibility to this child’

She chose to get with a man with kids

She does have a responsibility to him and if she and his father had handled the new additions better they wouldn’t be in this position.

Disgusting attitude

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:31

@SomePosters

‘Op doesn’t have a responsibility to this child’

She chose to get with a man with kids

She does have a responsibility to him and if she and his father had handled the new additions better they wouldn’t be in this position.

Disgusting attitude

Yes and being in a relationship with someone with kids NEVER means you can't leave. Your responsibility never extends that far, it is far smaller than the responsibility a parent has. And this is a pretty extreme example of a time when it would be madness to stay.

What is a disgusting attitude is the suggestion that she should stay where her baby is in danger, because this child's perceived feelings about her leaving are considered more important than their safety.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:38

@SomePosters

Just so you know those of you advocating for turning your back on a 9yo because he’s a step child are the reason I don’t do Step parents.

Would you turn your back on your own child so quickly or would you make some effort to help your child resolve their issues before turfing them out into state care?

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

No wonder there are so many traumatised adults

And I "don't do" idiots with absolutely no experience or idea of what being a step parent actually means (hint: it's nowhere close to what you think it means) wade into the step parenting board and try and tell people their ridiculous definition is fact and there is something wrong with people conducting themselves in perfectly normal ways- ie, not acting like a child's parent when you are not. What the fuck is wrong with people like you?

I wonder what you'd be saying if "troubled 9 year old SS kills half brother" hit the headlines tomorrow. Bet you'd be thrilled nobody "turned their back on him".

Simonjt · 07/04/2022 18:45

So he knows his son is being neglected, despite this he allows his son to live with a neglectfull parent to the point that he is likely going to be removed. So mum is neglectful, dad can’t be bothered and decided to make two new babies rather than raising his son.

Probably not wise to have children with someone who thinks their child being neglected is fine.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2022 18:45

I wonder what you'd be saying if "troubled 9 year old SS kills half brother" hit the headlines tomorrow. Bet you'd be thrilled nobody "turned their back on him".

That is vanishingly unlikely. Whereas the non-headline grabbing truth is kids end up in care, then suicide, prison or addictions all the time. Constantly. Mum neglects, dad is absent, child sinks without trace. Every day in my world.

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 18:45

What is a disgusting attitude is the suggestion that she should stay where her baby is in danger, because this child's perceived feelings about her leaving are considered more important than their safety.

Nobody is suggesting that, just that there might be other ways of dealing with it that doesn’t mean leaving a child who has already had one important adult in his life leave when it all got too much.

I can only assume OP’s relationship with her husband isn’t brilliant either if she is thinking of leaving because working with a child to help with insecurity and anxieties would be easier than walking away from an amazing partner to become a single mother.

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 18:47

Hard one. I’d hate him too! But your partner comes with him too so you’re going to have to accept him. Maybe if yous get custody his behaviours will improve with love and stability. You can still put boundaries in if he behaves poorly at your house and your husband should support you in this.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 18:47

@SomePosters

Just so you know those of you advocating for turning your back on a 9yo because he’s a step child are the reason I don’t do Step parents.

Would you turn your back on your own child so quickly or would you make some effort to help your child resolve their issues before turfing them out into state care?

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

No wonder there are so many traumatised adults

No because you can't. But a step parent can and should if their child is in danger.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 18:48

@SomePosters

‘Op doesn’t have a responsibility to this child’

She chose to get with a man with kids

She does have a responsibility to him and if she and his father had handled the new additions better they wouldn’t be in this position.

Disgusting attitude

Nope. She doesnt. She has responsibility of her own Child and its safety. How is she going to feel if the worst happens and she hasn't put her own child first.

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 18:49

I wonder what you'd be saying if "troubled 9 year old SS kills half brother" hit the headlines tomorrow. Bet you'd be thrilled nobody "turned their back on him"

Presumably even if she leaves the child will spend time with his sibling when the father has them. Just turning her back on him isn’t going to keep the baby safe. But you can bet your arse that the step child will do better in life if a second significant adult doesn’t walk away when it gets too tough.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:51

Nobody is suggesting that, just that there might be other ways of dealing with it that doesn’t mean leaving a child who has already had one important adult in his life leave when it all got too much.

It depends if you take SS's threats seriously or not, because if you do, then yes that is exactly what people are suggesting.

I can only assume OP’s relationship with her husband isn’t brilliant either if she is thinking of leaving because working with a child to help with insecurity and anxieties would be easier than walking away from an amazing partner to become a single mother.

Again, totally dependent on not taking the threats at all seriously. I wouldn't be leaving because of DSS's "insecurities and anxieties" I would be leaving because of his death threats towards my child. Certainly not something there would need to some other subtext of trouble in my relationship for me to be bothered about.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:53

Presumably even if she leaves the child will spend time with his sibling when the father has them. Just turning her back on him isn’t going to keep the baby safe. But you can bet your arse that the step child will do better in life if a second significant adult doesn’t walk away when it gets too tough.

There are ways of organising it so this does not happen.

And I'm sorry but the chance of my step child having a slightly better life because I didn't walk away wouldn't even come remotely close to being worth me risking my babies life. I find it absolutely ludicrous that anybody thinks it should be. I couldn't even be in the same room after him after he'd made such threats.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 18:53

If you're absolutely factual and honest with social services then they'll realise he can't be placed with you either surely?

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 18:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

I wonder what you'd be saying if "troubled 9 year old SS kills half brother" hit the headlines tomorrow. Bet you'd be thrilled nobody "turned their back on him".

That is vanishingly unlikely. Whereas the non-headline grabbing truth is kids end up in care, then suicide, prison or addictions all the time. Constantly. Mum neglects, dad is absent, child sinks without trace. Every day in my world.

Why is it unlikely? He's threatened it multiple times. There are plenty of cases where this has actually happened. Not a risk worth taking.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 18:55

But you can bet your arse that the step child will do better in life if a second significant adult doesn’t walk away when it gets too tough. tough. OP cannot risk her child's life for someone else's, especially the one making the threats. That's too tough an ask.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 18:56

@MrsTerryPratchett

I wonder what you'd be saying if "troubled 9 year old SS kills half brother" hit the headlines tomorrow. Bet you'd be thrilled nobody "turned their back on him".

That is vanishingly unlikely. Whereas the non-headline grabbing truth is kids end up in care, then suicide, prison or addictions all the time. Constantly. Mum neglects, dad is absent, child sinks without trace. Every day in my world.

I imagine it is more likely than with a child who hasn't threatened to kill another.