I don't like my stepchild

[anonymousboymama]

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant.
So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it.

My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child.
I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

Most people have agreed that the OP needs to prioritise her own child's safety, though. Expressing empathy with the older child - whose behaviour, given his background, isn't all that surprising - doesnt equate to saying OP should put up with it.

In my opinion half the comments are still downplaying it way too much - talk of "he's just a child he won't act on it", of OP just showing him more love, of leaving would upset the poor boy more.

His upset would be very low on my list of prioritises. The threats he is making against a baby are very serious.

His dad needs to be stepping up & spending more time 1 to 1 time with his desperately insecure son.

@aSofaNearYou

It makes me deeply uncomfortable how relaxed people's attitudes are about a violent child who is literally threatening to kill your baby. All people seem to feel is "poor boy". There are limits, and this goes way beyond them.

And it makes me deeply uncomfortable when people call traumatised children with social services involvement and a 'terrible' mother violent.

He's not violent, he's trauma impacted. He will become a violent adult if the adults in his life don't start doing their job. He needs skilled therapy, as does OP and her DH. Really good, skilled family therapy.

And yes, he shouldn't be left alone with the baby.

I'm dealing with a similar situation and I agree that many previous posters are minimising your step son's behaviour. Yes it is from trauma, but he is putting your baby at real risk. He needs specialist therapy. Your DH needs to be doing everything to get that for him. He needs to take this seriously and do more.
Our situation is not somewhere you want to be. My nephew physically and emotionally bullies my eldest and has had to be pulled off from trying to hurt the baby. His parents do nothing and never will. I spend a huge amount of time keeping him away from my children. It is absolutely exhausting. I have no answers only sympathy and solidarity.

*And it makes me deeply uncomfortable when people call traumatised children with social services involvement and a 'terrible' mother violent.

He's not violent, he's trauma impacted. He will become a violent adult if the adults in his life don't start doing their job. He needs skilled therapy, as does OP and her DH. Really good, skilled family therapy.

And yes, he shouldn't be left alone with the baby.*

People need to be called violent when they do violent things, otherwise we are minimising the damage caused to their victims. There may be causes behind his behaviour but yes, he has been violent.

No don't leave, it's not right that your child should suffer and not love with his dad all because of the elder sibling. Elder sibling needs therapy and it may be the best thing for the child to come live with you if his mother may loose custody. If he lived with you maybe the jealously would be restricted to normal sibling jealousy as he will have his dad back and have you as a lovely caregiver and form a stronger bond with his younger sibling. No way let the elder child be alone or too close with the little one and if he does something or says something he needs to be told why that's wrong and if he wants to go home refuse as he will need learn that your joke is Im his home too but in your house you all speak to eachother nicer and behave a certain way

He's going to get much worse in puberty.

Oh op. I read your other thread. You’re already having split from this man back in February and being now 4/5 months pregnant makes it so so much more awful for you.

I agree with @aSofaNearYou here. I feel sorry for the stepson in the sense that it’s certainly not his fault that the set-up at his mother’s home is so poor that not only are social services involved, they’re also looking to remove him from her custody.

However, I absolutely draw the line at a helpless baby being put at risk of serious injury or even death at the hands of the 9-year-old stepson, regardless of how traumatised he is thanks to his upbringing. Plenty of kids grow up in dysfunctional homes without resorting to threatening/inflicting violence on an infant. This is really extreme and, although I feel sad for the trauma the 9-year-old has experienced, in no way should the safety of the baby be compromised to accommodate that trauma. That includes coming to live with the OP and her partner full-time.

OP, if I were in your shoes, I’d be keeping a log of every single threat/action your stepson takes to harm your child (including dates and times). Alert social services of your concerns and tell them you’re keeping this log. If they do decide to remove your stepson from his mother’s care then they can’t place him with you if they know that he poses a risk to his younger sibling. In your log, note down every time you speak to social services too, including the name and job title of the person you spoke to.

In the meantime, when your stepson comes to stay, I absolutely echo other posters who have said never to leave your stepson alone with your baby, even if it’s for 30 seconds while you fetch a parcel from the postman. I would also recommend that you have a camera baby monitor in the baby’s nursery that is set up to record any movement and also lock/alarm the nursery door. It sounds extreme but if your stepson realises he’s not being allowed to be left alone with your baby and he is indeed hellbent on causing him harm then he may well resort to extreme measures such as creeping into the baby’s room after the adults have gone to bed.

Oh and to address the title of your thread - it’s perfectly fine for you to dislike a child if they’re trying to cause your son harm! Not all children are likeable unfortunately and I for one don’t think you’re at all to blame for feeling the way you do.

I would decline to live with him anytime soon. If you want to move out then move out but l don’t see why you and baby should give up your home. When the step son is the problem. Apparently l was very jealous when my younger sibling was born but l didn’t threaten to kill them

THe problem is I think you ignored it - he clearly needs some serious professional help - you seem to have social services already so get them involved because he is a very traumatised child who could become violent.

I think he must have severe attachment issues that he has reverted over to you. He isnt horrible but deeply affected by his mother and a poor handling of a new sibling (and potential other new sibling).

Your DP needs to properly recognise this as an issue and get help for him

He may come across as horrible, but please understand what you're describing can be the manifestation of severe attachment issues & trauma. You say social services are involved, has your DP spoken to the social worker about the sentiments he expresses? If not, please have him do so urgently. If he won't please raise it yourself. This child desperately needs professional help & for the adults in his life to recognize this. It's not the child's fault he is this way and he deserves help. He's clearly very traumatized and needs intervention from people who can help him. In the meantime, I would agree he should never be left alone with your infant son, not even for a split second. In your shoes I would also have your son sleeping in your room with you when he stays. I say this not to demonize your step son but rather to protect your son. If it comes to his mother losing custody, an evaluation will need to be done as to where he is best placed considering the capacity of adults in his life to provide the kind of care he needs (therapeutic parenting), as well as the safety and needs of all children, including your son. It may well be living with you is not the right place until he's had a lot of help from people who know how to handle this kind of trauma. I feel awful for all of you, this is such a very difficult situation.

Here is a link to an organization that specializes in child trauma and has some resources around the different ways trauma manifests in children & therapeutic parenting in case helpful for you:

beaconhouse.org.uk/?section=welcome-to-beacon-house

Tell their dad he needs to sort it out or his younger child is going to resent his older sibling too.

I wouldn't want to live with him either. This has been going on now for a year and a half.

Yes, I feel sorry for him and yes, he's clearly had a terrible start in life, but that doesn't mean you have to live with him.

What would happen to him if he got removed from his mum and your dh wouldn't take him? Would he have to go in to care?

So messy. I don't know what to suggest, except splitting with your dp and I'm guessing you don't want that

@aSofaNearYou

It makes me deeply uncomfortable how relaxed people's attitudes are about a violent child who is literally threatening to kill your baby. All people seem to feel is "poor boy". There are limits, and this goes way beyond them.

Me too.

No, he doesn’t get to live with your or your child whilst he’s making threats against your child’s life.

He needs professional help and I'm guessing it's related to why his mother may loose custody. His dad needs to contact social services and the gp to get the wheels in motion to get help, he needs love and therapeutic parenting guided by experts, but his dad must demand help now.

Both yourself and DH need to do something 1:1 with him daily without each other or the baby. A walk, gardening, park visit, board game, baking, whatever. The poor child needs to feel held in good esteem and needs to feel precious to you

@HotDogKetchup

No, he doesn’t get to live with your or your child whilst he’s making threats against your child’s life.

That's easy to say.

Less easy to say is where he does get to live. With his neglectful and abusive mother? In care? His father leaves the family home and lives with him?

Also talk to SS and ask for their support

This

Also instead of pushing him further and further out drawn him in!

Make time for him 1-2-1 with no baby interruptions that he can rely on being regular. Short and often is better than long and intermittent. Even a story and hot chocolate cuddle before bedtime.
Time he doesn’t have to compete for.

Also draw him into caring for his brother, draw out his nurturing side and make him feel like a valued big brother instead of competition (obviously don’t leave them unattended)

Make sure he knows he is still special and important and that he doesn’t have to fight for resources, attention or time and you will find that much more effective than trying to keep him at arms length and alienating him further

Quote was from mrs terry pratchett

You wouldn’t be so quick to ship off your baby if they rejected their sibling!

This is a grown up problem not a child problem and that’s where the solutions lie

If you tell your DH he can either have his son (who is likely to be removed from his mother) or you, and he chooses you, he’s not a good man.

Children aren’t removed from their parents’ custody for forgetting their homework or not brushing their hair. He has presumably been badly neglected or mistreated. So it’s not really surprising that he behaves poorly. He probably needs therapy and extremely high level parental support.

When your partner already has a child you’re a two child family. You can’t just reject one when they become difficult. What’s he supposed to do? Where’s he supposed to go?

@Bananarama21

I always remember that awful kid who killed his younger sister to get back at his mother little girl was defenceless , it was cold and calculating.

Yes but in this case op is aware and presumably is not leaving the baby unattended at any time with the boy. And furthermore the reasons for his behaviour are blatantly obvious - he’s being mistreated at home to the point of social services removal, and now feels his relationship with all his parental figures threatened.

A good parent would not be making silly comments about him being ‘horrible’ or ‘having a word with him.‘ They’d be actively involved in having him seen by professionals to help him manage plus be actively trying to achieve custody - not waiting around to see if they get landed with him.