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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't like my stepchild

135 replies

anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:24

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant.
So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it.

My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child.
I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 16:10

When your partner already has a child you’re a two child family. You can’t just reject one when they become difficult. What’s he supposed to do? Where’s he supposed to go?

You absolutely can reject a child who is threatening your baby's life to your face, that is not "becoming difficult". My affection for him would be dead in the water. The expectation from people on here that OP should feel ant differently to that is really bizarre. What do people honestly expect? That anyone would actually want to "pull him closer", get him involved in looking after the baby he's threatening to kill is quite absurd.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 16:29

Most violent offenders act from a place of trauma. Criminals, generally, tend to have been dealt a rubbish card in life. That does not mean you should put vulnerable children at risk to placate the perpetrator.

Where the child lives is not OP’s concern. Her concern is the welfare of her infant child. The welfare of the older child is a separate issue and should be treated as such - neither op nor her child become responsible for that child’s emotional well being because his mother has done a bad job.

Aside from the actual threat of violence, imagine the chronic stress op will be living with not being able to leave her child to use the toilet whilst in the company of her step child. Can both parents be about all the time to supervise. How will she shower or prepare food when both children want to be sat in a different room?

I have lived that life and when you’re sat in hospital with an infant having all sorts of intrusive tests because you didn’t follow through your own judgment (and weren’t supported by the other parent) the happiness of the older child won’t take the injury away. Nor does it take the guilt away when an incident happened whilst your child was in a supervised situation you weren’t comfortable with.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 16:33

Presumably his Dad has also allowed this situation to evolve and continue too - what does that say about his ability to parent and his judgment? Both parents have failed him, why does his dad get to come in looking like the hero because now he might get custody? It shouldn’t have taken social services getting involved to get to this point.

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 16:36

I'm sorry about his behaviour but you knew the score when you got together with him! You knew he had a child with an unstable mother and surely you must've realise, even before the child's behaviour went tits up, that there was always a chance he could end up coming to live with you.

Regardless, I think you should definitely leave

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2022 16:36

Where the child lives is not OP’s concern. Her concern is the welfare of her infant child. The welfare of the older child is a separate issue and should be treated as such - neither op nor her child become responsible for that child’s emotional well being because his mother has done a bad job.

The welfare of traumatised children is everyone's responsibility. Society has a duty.

OP does have a greater responsibility to her baby. But OP's partner has the same.

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 16:38

@Greensleeves

You should split up. That is a very damaged and traumatised little boy who has had an appalling start in life. He needs therapy - and therapeutic parenting - once the issue of his permanent residency is settled.

You need to protect your baby, of course - that's your 100% priority, where it can only be 50% for your partner. You will also be adding to the damaging of the older child by disliking and fearing him. I don't see how staying together can work, for you or or for either of the children.

Problem is, the father will obviously have partial custody of OP's baby and if the father does end up with the older boy full time, then when the baby is with his Dad, the OP won't be there to protect the baby
Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 16:40

@aSofaNearYou

When your partner already has a child you’re a two child family. You can’t just reject one when they become difficult. What’s he supposed to do? Where’s he supposed to go?

You absolutely can reject a child who is threatening your baby's life to your face, that is not "becoming difficult". My affection for him would be dead in the water. The expectation from people on here that OP should feel ant differently to that is really bizarre. What do people honestly expect? That anyone would actually want to "pull him closer", get him involved in looking after the baby he's threatening to kill is quite absurd.

Firstly, he’s not going to kill the baby because presumably op will be supervising the baby at all times.

Secondly, what happens to him then? He’s punted into care at 9 years old because mummy is abusive/neglectful and daddy prefers the new baby?

I tell you, my affection would be dead in the water for a man who left his nine year old to be taken into care because he couldn’t be bothered getting him adequate help.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 16:42

@HotDogKetchup

Presumably his Dad has also allowed this situation to evolve and continue too - what does that say about his ability to parent and his judgment? Both parents have failed him, why does his dad get to come in looking like the hero because now he might get custody? It shouldn’t have taken social services getting involved to get to this point.
It doesn’t even sound like he’s tried to get custody from the obviously unstable mother either. Social services might remove him, so they might ‘end up’ with custody. In other words, the father seems apathetic to the fact that his child is living in a home bad enough for social services to want to remove him.

Strangers want to remove this child yet his father isn’t bothered and doesn’t seem to have tried to procure any professional help for the boy. Is it any wonder at all that the child is behaving this way?

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 16:43

The welfare of traumatised children is everyone's responsibility. Society has a duty.

What of the traumatised child who’s homelife is about to be thrown into turmoil. The two are not dependent on one another. OP’s child can have a settled home life and so can her step child. She doesn’t have to facilitate them both.

And yes, the dad is partly responsible for OP’s child too, that being the case he might agree it’s not safe for everyone to live together right now.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 16:46

Firstly, he’s not going to kill the baby because presumably op will be supervising the baby at all times.

You don't know that, it only takes OP to take her eye off the ball for one second or, you know, go to sleep.

*Secondly, what happens to him then? He’s punted into care at 9 years old because mummy is abusive/neglectful and daddy prefers the new baby?

I tell you, my affection would be dead in the water for a man who left his nine year old to be taken into care because he couldn’t be bothered getting him adequate help.*

I think "prefers the new baby" is a pretty manipulative term to use in this scenario. It's not a case of preferring one child to another, it's a case of one child making threats on the other's life.

But ultimately, this is why I think OP and her DH need to at least temporarily seperate, especially if the boy comes to live with them full time. The bottom line is in OPs shoes I would not entertain myself or the baby living with him.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 16:53

Problem is, the father will obviously have partial custody of OP's baby and if the father does end up with the older boy full time, then when the baby is with his Dad, the OP won't be there to protect the baby

Yes this would be my concern, too. If the dad has any sense about him at all then he should find a way to see the two children separately, probably meaning not having the baby to stay over at his.

But if he wouldn't do that, then I would be following the advise of other PPs to write down all threats made and try and involve SS to prevent this.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 16:57

@aSofaNearYou

Problem is, the father will obviously have partial custody of OP's baby and if the father does end up with the older boy full time, then when the baby is with his Dad, the OP won't be there to protect the baby

Yes this would be my concern, too. If the dad has any sense about him at all then he should find a way to see the two children separately, probably meaning not having the baby to stay over at his.

But if he wouldn't do that, then I would be following the advise of other PPs to write down all threats made and try and involve SS to prevent this.

Social services won’t intervene but it would be relatively easy for OP to get a court order stipulating terms of contact.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like OP’s partner will fight much given the apathy and lack of care and concern he’s shown for his elder child.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 17:02

Then they can sell their home and purchase two smaller ones. That way the father is fulfilling his duty to his children by ensuring they are both living safely with a parent.

I’m sure op will support this since what’s the alternative? And presumably (although I have minimal confidence in this) the father will be able to invest as much of his time as possible into helping his son, re professional help and parental support which this child so clearly needs.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 17:04

When your partner already has a child you’re a two child family. You can’t just reject one when they become difficult. What’s he supposed to do? Where’s he supposed to go? not OP's problem. You can't expect her not to reject them when they've threatened harm to her child.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 17:05

Social services won’t intervene but it would be relatively easy for OP to get a court order stipulating terms of contact. can you do this? That would save a lot of stress for a lot of people if you can stipulate the DSC aren't to be there.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 17:24

It’s an absolute tragedy that there are children born to feckless parents.
The Dad walks away, ( Usually) and his new partner often gets pregnant in short order.
“ Step” families need careful handling.

The 9 yr old likely felt usurped by the “ New” baby, and children have antenna to know where they aren’t liked or wanted.

It’s very sad.

The Stepson probably has Attachment Disorder-
Urgent counselling for all of you is necessary
His father absolutely should not abandon him.

The 9 yr old probably feels he has No-one on his side That no one loves him now the new baby has come along

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 17:30

The 9 yr old probably feels he has No-one on his side That no one loves him now the new baby has come along thats no reason for OP to be on his side. 9 is old enough to know you don't threaten harm to a baby.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 17:35

@oakleaffy

It’s an absolute tragedy that there are children born to feckless parents. The Dad walks away, ( Usually) and his new partner often gets pregnant in short order. “ Step” families need careful handling.

The 9 yr old likely felt usurped by the “ New” baby, and children have antenna to know where they aren’t liked or wanted.

It’s very sad.

The Stepson probably has Attachment Disorder-
Urgent counselling for all of you is necessary
His father absolutely should not abandon him.

The 9 yr old probably feels he has No-one on his side That no one loves him now the new baby has come along

I mean I understand the possible trauma concerns around his mother but a lot of children experience their parents splitting up and going on to have more babies without threatening to kill them ffs.
Iloveyourbracelet · 07/04/2022 17:38

Just read your other threads. So you're pregnant again, you're going to have two babies under a year and you have a disturbed stepson in desperate need of intervention of some kind and by the sounds of it, a bit of love and kindness. What real life support do you have? Does the stepson know there's shortly going to be another baby too?

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 17:40

@OutingHobby

When your partner already has a child you’re a two child family. You can’t just reject one when they become difficult. What’s he supposed to do? Where’s he supposed to go? not OP's problem. You can't expect her not to reject them when they've threatened harm to her child.
I’m talking about the father re her comment ‘I wouldn’t want to ask him to choose his son or us.’

The father still has a duty of care to his older son. Of course op can leave if she feels she wants or has to. But the father can’t just abandon his child to care.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2022 17:43

9 is old enough to know you don't threaten harm to a baby.

Assuming he has been adequately parented. Which this 9 yo hasn't been. By anyone.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 17:48

@OutingHobby

Social services won’t intervene but it would be relatively easy for OP to get a court order stipulating terms of contact. can you do this? That would save a lot of stress for a lot of people if you can stipulate the DSC aren't to be there.
Yes of course. Mothers do this all the time to prevent contact, sometimes maliciously.
Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 17:53

@MrsTerryPratchett

9 is old enough to know you don't threaten harm to a baby.

Assuming he has been adequately parented. Which this 9 yo hasn't been. By anyone.

Also if he’s on the cusp of being removed by social services then that’s usually indicative of great harm to a child. Children aren’t removed for trifles. Presumably he hasn’t been taught not to harm children because someone in his home is harming (or at the very least neglecting) him.
Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 17:54

Can’t believe his father isn’t actively involved with social services and desperately pushing to get him seen by someone to be honest. Why isn’t he actively fighting for custody to remove his son from a home social services think is inadequate? Why isn’t he seeing his son’s cries for help and immediately responding by trying to access the best possible help he can?

mumpants · 07/04/2022 17:58

Poor kid. He's obviously really insecure and vulnerable and needs professional help himself.

Still not nice for you to have to deal with though. His Dad needs to know the situation and help to work out out.