I don't like my stepchild

[anonymousboymama]

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant.
So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it.

My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child.
I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

@Harlequin1088 would you react the same if it was your biological child hurting the stepchild?
Or your biological child hurting your other biological child?

[quote autienotnaughty]@Harlequin1088 would you react the same if it was your biological child hurting the stepchild?
Or your biological child hurting your other biological child?[/quote]
Totally irrelevant. He's not her child, her options are far broader.

For those of you saying the dad is a horrible parent for sending him back to mum have you ever been involved in a case where you try to remove a child from their primary residence?
I have. My DSS is living in a house with domestic abuse, social service and police have deemed it not bad enough to remove the child. School are ' monitoring'. 3 private solicitors have told DP that there is no point in going to court as the courts will not remove the child unless ss say its necessary. Courts in the UK massively favour mum at times to the deteiment of the children involved.
It's not always as easy as people on here seem to make out. And yes I am aware of the fact that it goes 2 ways and there are many threads on here of kids having to see abusive dads because court orders says so. My point is that the system is far from perfect.

Problem is, the father will obviously have partial custody of OP's baby and if the father does end up with the older boy full time, then when the baby is with his Dad, the OP won't be there to protect the baby

This was exactly my thought. The father doesn't seem to take this as seriously as OP, and without OP there, the baby would be in extreme danger.

Removing the step son completely from her / her children's life doesn't seem to be an option even if OP lives separately to her DP. OP shares a child (maybe 2, as I think she may be pregnant?) with her DP so it's highly likely these children will have contact with each other.

While there's no doubt OP is not responsible for this child or for providing this care, ultimately he is part of her family. This child needs help, professional help to address his trauma / attachment issues. What is unclear is whether social services know about the threats to harm OP's baby & deteriorating behaviour towards OP. It's unclear if he's getting any help at all.

@autienotnaughty Yes I would, the only difference being that if I had a biological child threatening/harming another biological child of mine, I’d be calling social services, police, etc. myself rather than relying on a partner to do it as I’d feel I’d have more of a leg to stand on as their biological mother as opposed to a stepmother. It’s not fair on one kid to be put at risk because of the behaviour of a sibling and what the OP describes goes far beyond that of normal sibling rivalry or childhood jealousy.

@Aimee1987

OP said her OH will “end up with custody” the connotations of that are very different from him having fought to remove him from a improper parent.

His father leaves the family home and lives with him?

Why shouldn't he? His son is threatening his babies life and it's been going on for over a year. Why shouldn't he live elsewhere with his Dad?

OP can only go so far in respect of arranging therapy and help for this child, he isn't hers. His Dad needs to sort this and if he's not then yes, the priority for OP MUST be safeguarding her own children. It would be neglectful of OP toward her own DC to prioritise anything other than that imo.

The welfare of traumatised children is everyone's responsibility. Society has a duty

Not over and above the duty toward my own DC it isn't.

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

Problem is, the father will obviously have partial custody of OP's baby and if the father does end up with the older boy full time, then when the baby is with his Dad, the OP won't be there to protect the baby

This was exactly my thought. The father doesn't seem to take this as seriously as OP, and without OP there, the baby would be in extreme danger.

It's not a reason to stay though. I'd be logging every incident, every threat etc etc and I'd be using that as a reason why I believed it was unsafe for my child to have unsupervised contact with their father / sibling.

I would not want my children growing up in an environment where they felt bullied and threatened and as a step parent my abilities to help the elder child would be limited. My duty of care lies first and foremost with my children, that is the way it should be. If there was a way for my children to live peacefully in my home with their father and sibling whilst also seeking help for the elder then great. But I would absolutely not force my child(ren) to live in this environment because of a child who is ultimately not my responsibility.

It's very sad for the SS but OPs DC matter too. They absolutely deserve the opportunity to live in a home where they are not threatened or bullied or hated.

And I am VERY certain that if OP had posted that her biological child was threatening the life of her partner's son, the overwhelming advice would be that the SS's father should remove his son from that environment because it's not fair for him to have to live in it. There wouldn't be anyone suggesting he should stay because "poor OPs DC" or out of some misplaced responsibility he has toward her child who's threatened the life of his. Absolutely no one.

You can have sympathy for the child without thinking it's a good idea to subject OPs DC to having to live in this environment. It's not, it's neglectful and it's absolutely NOT the same as if these were both OPs biological children. The fact is they are NOT and legally (and morally) OPs responsibility is to her children, she has a responsibility first and foremost to keep THEM safe. Any responsibility she has toward the child of her partner is and should be secondary to that.