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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't like my stepchild

135 replies

anonymousboymama · 05/04/2022 13:24

Ok so I have always had a lovely relationship with my stepson. Until I became pregnant.
So when I became pregnant (he was 7 at the time) he would try and make me fall over by putting his feet out infront of me so I'd trip over. Luckily I clicked on strait away and avoided it. Then when my son was born he would be mean kicking his baby swing and saying he hates him. He would literally say the most vile things but I put it down too being jealous at first and ignored it.

My sons now 7 and half months old and I feel he's better with his brother but he still does really mean things too me but tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. This would mean me and his father would get custody. I feel like I wouldn't cope. We get on well but he's just really a horrible child.
I don't ever think I could say too my partner 'I don't want your son you either have him or us' but I feel like I won't cope and leaving would be the best option. I believe he does deserve too stay with his family but I need too think about the safety of my child. He's literally told us he would put a blanket over his head too 'shut him up forever' and therefore I won't allow him with his brother anymore.

OP posts:
Adeleskirts · 07/04/2022 18:57

This little boy is the way he is becayse of his parents. And one of them is parenting yours. He’s broken and traumatised as his mother and father have prevented and enabled that. I couldn’t even look at either one of them again. I really couldn’t.

You even admit his mothers parenting has authorities involved and his father sends him back it’s sickening.

So yes leave before your child is the same as the father will do the same to this child as well. Once a shit parent, always a shit parent.

RiverRats · 07/04/2022 19:01

I think you should leave to protect your son, your step son needs a lot of love and care, he seems to have gone through a lot. Maybe you and your son could live elsewhere and your DP can spend some time helping Step son and slowly reintroduce him back into your lives?. Do you have professional help?

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 19:02

@OutingHobby

If you're absolutely factual and honest with social services then they'll realise he can't be placed with you either surely?
Given there’s been many examples of neglectful, abusive parents convincing social services they’re adequate parents and those parents have then gone onto kill their children I would not be relying on social services judgment for my own childs safety.

I cannot fathom why anyone thinks that the older child living with a baby who, by their nature, will demand a whole host of attention and in turn detract from them, is somehow therapeutic and desirable for them. I suspect they’d be happier on their own with their dad.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 19:04

Plus given the fathers apparent lack of involvement are posters suggesting OP should parent all three (there’s been a suggestion she is pregnant) whilst keeping them fully supervised AND facilitating all the therapeutic support this child needs. Quite an ask.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 19:09

@HotDogKetchup

Plus given the fathers apparent lack of involvement are posters suggesting OP should parent all three (there’s been a suggestion she is pregnant) whilst keeping them fully supervised AND facilitating all the therapeutic support this child needs. Quite an ask.
I definitely don’t think op should parent all three - I am very curious as to where the father is in all this. Of course it’s possible that he’s advocating desperately for his child and doing everything he can including seeking professional help to keep all of his children safe and happy.

However, I doubt it.

TooManyPJs · 07/04/2022 19:11

"tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. "

He is not a horrible child, he sounds like a frightened and traumatised little boy who needs to feel secure.

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 19:13

There are ways of organising it so this does not happen.

Not really.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 19:14

@TooManyPJs

"tells me he loves me and refuses too leave my side. His mums a terrible mother with social involvement and may lose her children. "

He is not a horrible child, he sounds like a frightened and traumatised little boy who needs to feel secure.

Yes and he's not going to get that from OP who is quite justifiably scared to have him alone around her child.
Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 19:14

Your last thread said you had separated? Your SS has no stability either with his mother or his father (and you). I would leave. Your (ex) partner needs to step to here. Though why anyone would think he'd be capable of dealing with a traumatised 9 year old when he can't even do a night feed is beyond me. And you're pregnant again? 🤦‍♀️

Adeleskirts · 07/04/2022 19:21

Op you’re pregnant again and did you get back with him? He doesn’t support you and has badly parented his first child? It does seem this child’s problems are ro be expected as he’s in a terribly unstable and unsupportive environment from all the adults in his life. Poor kid

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 19:23

@BoredZelda

There are ways of organising it so this does not happen.

Not really.

Yes there are. Lots of children do not stay overnight with their fathers. This would be one of those occasions where this is necessary for the safety of the child.
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2022 19:31

Why is it unlikely? He's threatened it multiple times. There are plenty of cases where this has actually happened. Not a risk worth taking.

'Plenty of cases' where nine-olds have murdered babies? OK.

I can think of ten people I know who've had family trauma similar to this little boy off the top of my head. I could probably names tens or more given time.

No infanticide-committing children however. Not one in thirty years of working with vulnerable people. I have actually dealt with tragic infant deaths, including parents who went to court. Not one murderous recent primary school attendee though.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 19:39

@MrsTerryPratchett

Why is it unlikely? He's threatened it multiple times. There are plenty of cases where this has actually happened. Not a risk worth taking.

'Plenty of cases' where nine-olds have murdered babies? OK.

I can think of ten people I know who've had family trauma similar to this little boy off the top of my head. I could probably names tens or more given time.

No infanticide-committing children however. Not one in thirty years of working with vulnerable people. I have actually dealt with tragic infant deaths, including parents who went to court. Not one murderous recent primary school attendee though.

So it’s a lack of fatalities you’re looking for in a healthy home environment? You think that living with that threat and in that environment will be desirable for the younger children?

Presumably you are comfortable with primary school aged bullies provided there’s no fatalities? Emotional harm not an issue?

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 19:41

Can you imagine growing up in a household where a sibling wishes you harm? That's going to be so damaging. Much better they are seperated.

OverTheRubicon · 07/04/2022 19:52

Poor kid has a deeply neglectful mother, and father who is just as bad, if he's happy to leave him with an incapable parent while he has new babies he can't protect, with a woman who doesn't like having his existing son around.

Op, you definitely can't leave your baby alone with him and moving out may be the best thing. I'd also talk to SS re your stepson, he clearly needs more support, and this isn't safe for your baby, but also for him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2022 19:59

@OutingHobby

Can you imagine growing up in a household where a sibling wishes you harm? That's going to be so damaging. Much better they are seperated.
I did. But no one suggested my bullying brother was placed in care or my parents divorced and separated.

Parenting, family counselling, support, and safety measures in place are what's needed.

HotDogKetchup · 07/04/2022 20:05

But can you not see that the prospects of this seem pretty unlikely? You sound like you have experience of social care yet this sounds a pretty unrealistic expectation.

I don’t see how his father is suddenly going to step up and fight for all of this. Plus who’s going to pay for it? If you’re going to tell me the state there will be a long wait. If he’s being removed from his mothers care he’s had a terrible time - the threshold for removal is so high, as I’m sure you’ll be aware.

More likely he’ll be one of many kids let down by his parents, then the system, then you can add OP’s two children as it will be a vicious cycle.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 20:28

I did. But no one suggested my bullying brother was placed in care or my parents divorced and separated.

Well perhaps they should have done. My mum grew up bullied by her older brother and it's had massive lifelong affects on her. Her parents actually did divorce but had her brother been a half sibling meaning they could have lived separately it would have been all the better for her.

I can't imagine how awful it would be growing up with a significantly older sibling literally threatening to kill you. Just awful.

MissMaple82 · 07/04/2022 20:29

I feel sorry for the poor boy, its not his fault his mum is incompetent. He's craving a mother and is jealous of the baby. If he loved with you he would probably change completely. But he's part of a package that comes with your husband, if you can't handle that you'll need to leave for everyone's sake.

GrannyBloomers · 07/04/2022 20:34

@RiverRats

I think you should leave to protect your son, your step son needs a lot of love and care, he seems to have gone through a lot. Maybe you and your son could live elsewhere and your DP can spend some time helping Step son and slowly reintroduce him back into your lives?. Do you have professional help?
This is good advice. Right now the step son needs his dad, needs support, therapy and living arrangements sorted.

In terms of the OP - I do have sympathy. It must be very tricky to have one baby and another on the way with the threats against the baby. I think living apart will give OP the peace of mind with her baby and the new baby.

Its' not ideal but partner can visit.

There is a possibility of slow reintroduction in the future if things are protected now.

familyissues12345 · 07/04/2022 20:58

I feel terribly sorry for this lad Sad, he must be in utter turmoil.

OP, you need to keep yourself and the baby safe though. I wouldn't feel comfortable with your dp having contact with the children alone though, until proper support is in place for your SS. Until then, he'll need to see them separately, or maybe with another adult present who can support?

Good luck, not an easy situation for anyone Thanks

OverTheRubicon · 07/04/2022 21:07

In terms of the OP - I do have sympathy. It must be very tricky to have one baby and another on the way with the threats against the baby. I think living apart will give OP the peace of mind with her baby and the new baby.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone was ok with her partner leaving his child in the primary care of a 'terrible mother' and SS involvement, then having a baby with him and seeing the jealousy ensuing, and then going on to get pregnant yet again.

Those poor kids, especially the eldest - at least the others have OP as one parent who cares about them.

Op does need to leave, but honestly the whole thing is a disaster and it doesn't feel like any of the adults are thinking of the needs of the children in this situation. The babies need to move to be safe, the step son needs the support that no adult is currently giving him, and the father needs a vasectomy.

veevee04 · 07/04/2022 21:13

OP stop making babies with this man after your second DC is born go on some reliable contraception. I would move out with baby so his eldest can start to rebuild a relationship he probably feels let down and has no one. Have visits but it's too dangerous for SS to be in your house right now.

autienotnaughty · 07/04/2022 21:41

Your ss needs support maybe counselling? I would be trying everything I could to make that boy feel as loved as possible and trying to manage his environment to make it a safe secure place (emotionally) but yes there may come a point where you feel your own child's safety is at risk and all you could do is leave.

Harlequin1088 · 08/04/2022 06:42

@SomePosters

Just so you know those of you advocating for turning your back on a 9yo because he’s a step child are the reason I don’t do Step parents.

Would you turn your back on your own child so quickly or would you make some effort to help your child resolve their issues before turfing them out into state care?

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

No wonder there are so many traumatised adults

There’s plenty of examples of desperate parents who have had no choice but to allow social services to take one of their biological children into care in order to protect their other biological children from there. In fact, a quick trawl of Mumsnet will find posts from these poor people as well as real life cases. It’s not a case of the child being abandoned because they’re a “step”, it’s a case of the adults in the situation having a duty of care to protect all their children regardless of whether they’ve got the same mother.

I’m heavily pregnant and I can tell you now, if one of my stepsons threatened my child, their feet wouldn’t touch the ground. And I’d be expecting my partner to do something about it via social services, police etc, same as I’d expect him to do something about it if one stepson harmed/threatened the other stepson.