Page 11 | Child Maintenance - is it ever OK to reduce it?

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 18:33

[quote Lou98]@FloralsForSpring it wasn't me that had said that - I was saying to that poster that what she's given up for her child to play the sport are luxuries and not essentials so it's irrelevant as that isn't the same as your situation at all [/quote]
Ah yes sorry I couldn't find the original post.

OP posts:

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 18:34

@FloralsForSpring

Oh and for anyone who cares her response is to say fine, but DH can do the driving both ways. So DH is now going to have to talk to her tonight and explain that if that's what he has to do to see his kids fine but he will have to cut maintenance future to cover the petrol.

Did he give an amount? If not just keep the petrol money without further discussion, otherwise is just prolonging and escalating this with possibly even more tit for tat.

At least there will be set times now and hopefully he'll have the kids for longer .

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 18:36

Yes he gave the amount

OP posts:

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 18:37

At least there will be set times now and hopefully he'll have the kids for longer . this is a very good point thanks x

OP posts:

candlesandpitchforks · 03/04/2022 18:45

@ldontWanna I think you will see in the comments mum isn't agreeable for OPs DH to have them anymore time wise. They have had to fight for what they currently have.

Not all dads want theirs kids EOW... more than some have their hand forced and that's sad tbh ...

Finallylostit · 03/04/2022 18:47

Sorry OP - you and your husband do not come over well

This was a cost cutting exercise and you have both agreed it is reasonable to cut the maintenance for his DCS.

You refuse to say how much the payments are , for example he pays £250 pcm and should be paying £200.
You have drip fed the waitrose, horse riding inheritance, no mortgage, works part time, has a partner etc etc. All reeks of jealousy to be honest.

You used to think her income was irrelevant but now you consider it is fair game because the cost of living has gone up for everyone including her but you and your DP would prefer to not pay appropriately and then cut petrol costs aswell, for his other DC so she can subsidise your household by picking up his fair shre of costs.

Think you needed to sell it in a better way to come over better - but then you are going to do it regardless of wht people thought here so - why bother posting

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 18:48

[quote candlesandpitchforks]@ldontWanna I think you will see in the comments mum isn't agreeable for OPs DH to have them anymore time wise. They have had to fight for what they currently have.

Not all dads want theirs kids EOW... more than some have their hand forced and that's sad tbh ...[/quote]
I meant because she either drops off late or comes to get them too early. It might just be a couple of hours ,or maybe even less but still nice for the children.

MrsKeats · 03/04/2022 18:51

5-10 hours a week work?
Must be lovely.
Drop the maintenance. The mum can work to support to her own kids.
Why is everyone else supporting them and she gets an easy life? Lazy mare.

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 18:52

@FloralsForSpring

Yes he gave the amount

Damn that sucks. Will the difference in petrol really be that significant? Not because I don't think he's right to consider it, but because I think dragging this out and negotiating like this has too much potential for thing to turn very sour,very quickly.

He needs to consider if it's worth it if the cost can be easily absorbed. The ex definitely won't make this easy.

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 18:54

He needs to consider if it's worth it if the cost can be easily absorbed. The ex definitely won't make this easy it is quite a way but yes I've said we should stop and think about it and work it out.

OP posts:

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 18:56

@FloralsForSpring

He needs to consider if it's worth it if the cost can be easily absorbed. The ex definitely won't make this easy it is quite a way but yes I've said we should stop and think about it and work it out.

No more messages tonight. Emotions will be high, and not positive. Put phone away, and leave the finances too. Have a nice evening as a family, a good night's sleep and console yourselves you already made progress.

Then tomorrow you can look at the numbers again and see what's feasible and consider the pros and cons. Good luck, it can't be easy x

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 19:05

@Finallylostit

Sorry OP - you and your husband do not come over well

This was a cost cutting exercise and you have both agreed it is reasonable to cut the maintenance for his DCS.

You refuse to say how much the payments are , for example he pays £250 pcm and should be paying £200.
You have drip fed the waitrose, horse riding inheritance, no mortgage, works part time, has a partner etc etc. All reeks of jealousy to be honest.

You used to think her income was irrelevant but now you consider it is fair game because the cost of living has gone up for everyone including her but you and your DP would prefer to not pay appropriately and then cut petrol costs aswell, for his other DC so she can subsidise your household by picking up his fair shre of costs.

Think you needed to sell it in a better way to come over better - but then you are going to do it regardless of wht people thought here so - why bother posting

This is a long one sorry but I am so absolutely angry at this.

You refuse to say how much the payments are , for example he pays £250 pcm and should be paying £200.

You're assuming the worst then are you? He's paying more than enough don't worry.

You have drip fed the waitrose, horse riding inheritance, no mortgage, works part time, has a partner etc etc. All reeks of jealousy to be honest.

I have absolutely not drip fed it. I didn't think it was relevant to to start with and then it seemingly became relevant. I didn't think there was any point going into details but then discussion developed.

Mentioning she has a partner does not mean anything, someone asked how she pays her way and I told them. I am not jealous. Her life is not for me, I'm happy with my lot. I have a partner, a job I like, I don't even like horses, I don't have an inheritance but my parents are alive and I am never jealous of an inheritance.
I haven't even mentioned waitrose ffs.

You used to think her income was irrelevant but now you consider it is fair game because the cost of living has gone up for everyone including her but you and your DP would prefer to not pay appropriately eh? No I used to think generally any ex wife's income was irrelevant but now I think its important to take it into account because if cutting maintenance would put her into hardship we wouldn't be doing it.

then cut petrol costs aswell, for his other DC so she can subsidise your household by picking up his fair shre of costs. no she would be paying for HER petrol for her half of the journeys.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/04/2022 19:05

I guess in a few days he can just say that moving forward he will just pay CMS rate, he's run the figures through calculator and it's £x amount and obviously he will bear the extra time and costs for collecting and dropping off for contact despite the CAO stating she is to do XYZ as she is the one that moved away.

Original poster

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 19:06

@ldontWanna good advice. Thank you will do. X

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 19:18

This reply has been deleted

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Autumn42 · 03/04/2022 19:25

@FloralsForSpring

So cost of living is going up etc and we've taken a look at our finances. We are going to have to cut back a bit. Is it ever ok for the maintenance payments to the ex to reduce? They are well above the CMS recommended amount (DH's choice) but we all know the CMS amount is not always half the amount of raising a child. It also shouldn't matter what mum earns/pays but she's living rent free in an inheritated property and works what I would call "extremely part-time".

Yes would absolutely say fine to reduce to CMS amount unless it’s for something you’ve both committed to e.g. club/private school fees (and can afford it). I receive CM but at CMS rate which is fair enough, even when on benefits we managed and was a lot less then. Don’t quite understand these mothers who say the CMS rate is unfair unless they are using the wrong/out of date figures (which happened to me for years)

ChoiceMummy · 03/04/2022 19:27

@FloralsForSpring

Apologies if I've missed it, but are you working full-time and contributing at least half costs to your own household? If not, is that something you could explore? I am working part time but only just short of full hours to facilitate nursery drop off and pick up. And no I'm not contributing half the costs as only one of the children is mine

Do you and oh have joint finances or separate?

Dollyparton3 · 03/04/2022 19:41

I feel for you OP, we paid above and over CMS levels for years, the numbers increased when I came along footloose and child free and I helped with the extras that DH couldn't afford like allowances, mobile phone contracts, clothes, school trip funds etc.

We finished paying maintenance last year much to the horror of the part time working ex wife and guess what? She went to full time hours.

Now SS is in a first job paying not amazing wages yet so we've bought him a car and insured it, we fill his tank with petrol once a month, still pay his mobile phone contract and give him an allowance. If he's ever short of money DH helps him out with £20 here and there but DSS is pretty frugal anyway so it's a rare request.

However..... we're rapidly reining in our spending. We don't go for dinner once a month when he's here, his shampoo has without doubt been downgraded. We shop in Aldi, we're all over turning light switches off, we don't buy him an abundance of clothes and we're now cancelling subscriptions for Spotify etc.

Is he suffering? Only as much as the rest of the country. Is he also feeling the pinch? Of course he is at both houses. Does he
Complain? No.

whynotwhatknot · 04/04/2022 12:36

Is it court ordered that she comes and picks them up if so just refer back to that

she can obviously apply for an adjustment but i doubt it would change as hes payingmore than he legally has to anyway

Cantthinkofabettername · 04/04/2022 15:26

It’s perfectly reasonable to reduce maintenance if your circumstances change, although, as many people have said on this thread it should be with notice. We have had to do the same in the last couple of years with Covid meaning my DH was out of work and I had to take a pay cut for 6 months. When things improved for us financially, the maintenance for (teenage) DSC went back up to its normal level. Have just had to let DSC’s mum know that we need to reduce again due to our current circumstances, she just pretends not to have seen the text message (she refuses email contact) but has been told that as soon as things improve it will go back up. DSC’s mum made the decision (unilaterally) to work PT but refuses to increase her hours and instead relies on DH’s maintenance, meaning that he gets a load of crap when it’s had to be adjusted. My teenage children (DH’s step kids) have had to make adjustments when we have had less money coming in and so it’s not unreasonable to ask DSC to do the same.

Finallylostit · 04/04/2022 19:37

All OP needed to say was we need to pay the set CMS amount now due to the cost of living going up.

The unnecessary bit was where she justified - because of an inheritance, horse riding, partner and came across as jealous of the EXs situation nd pleased to be doing this.

That is what ~i object to.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/04/2022 19:39

@Finallylostit

All OP needed to say was we need to pay the set CMS amount now due to the cost of living going up.

The unnecessary bit was where she justified - because of an inheritance, horse riding, partner and came across as jealous of the EXs situation nd pleased to be doing this.

That is what ~i object to.

Oh give over. That is totally your own ridiculous projection.

Orangutanteddy · 05/04/2022 20:22

She has no mortgage so just pay cms. If she wants more, she can work full-time like most of us have to do!

Finallylostit · 05/04/2022 22:16

quattro - why did we need to be drip fed all the other stuff about the EX to justify the decision.

Decision : only pay CMS - fine
Justifying it with all the caveats and then making digs at the EXs lifestyle is not necessary - and on your other thread you want to make this board better - take a look at this thread and the half baked judgements made about the EX with filtered half the facts comments.

Making this board better cuts both ways.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 05/04/2022 22:41

@Finallylostit

quattro - why did we need to be drip fed all the other stuff about the EX to justify the decision.

Decision : only pay CMS - fine
Justifying it with all the caveats and then making digs at the EXs lifestyle is not necessary - and on your other thread you want to make this board better - take a look at this thread and the half baked judgements made about the EX with filtered half the facts comments.

Making this board better cuts both ways.

It was background info, she would have been asked about it anyway without a shadow of a doubt.

Sorry, what exactly are you trying to get at? My post is about attacking ops and Mumsnet doing nothing about it. I'm neither attacking the op or anyone else here. I've made a judgement on the ex based on the information the op has given, exactly the same as everyone else on the thread.

You clearly disagree, and that's fine, but I think you're being wholly unfair on op who has only given information that she would have been asked for anyway.