Child Maintenance - is it ever OK to reduce it?

[FloralsForSpring]

So cost of living is going up etc and we've taken a look at our finances. We are going to have to cut back a bit. Is it ever ok for the maintenance payments to the ex to reduce? They are well above the CMS recommended amount (DH's choice) but we all know the CMS amount is not always half the amount of raising a child. It also shouldn't matter what mum earns/pays but she's living rent free in an inheritated property and works what I would call "extremely part-time".

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@Getyourarseofffthequattro all things being equal most children would rather their parents were together. It's a fact

Money does not equal happiness. That is also a fact.

My point was that by removing something provided by their DF the DC of the first marriage may well suffer emotionally by equating provision of the activity with love. Doesn't mean they should or they will. Just that they might and it could be damaging emotionally. That is all. [/quote]
No, the point you made was that because they might equate it with love, it should not be done.

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@Getyourarseofffthequattro all things being equal most children would rather their parents were together. It's a fact

Money does not equal happiness. That is also a fact.

My point was that by removing something provided by their DF the DC of the first marriage may well suffer emotionally by equating provision of the activity with love. Doesn't mean they should or they will. Just that they might and it could be damaging emotionally. That is all. [/quote]
Perhaps they would, although I didn't, and many don't even remember their parents being together anyway.

Money is not the answer to that, and nor is it a reason to favour those children above others who's parents remain together.

If children are damaged by economics then that is unfortunate, unfortunately it's also life. Parents can actually talk to their children about these things believe it or not.

We had no money when I was growing up. I never thought it was because I wasn't loved.

[quote Lou98]@Getyourarseofffthequattro you'll also see the OP said the 5-10 hours after I posted.

The fact still is though, you have no idea what money she has. She inherited her house, she may also have inherited money. She also has a partner that lives with her and I presume is helping with bills so her outgoings could be non existent near enough. You still don't know, neither do I so it's ridiculous to be making her out as not paying for her own kids when you have no clue.

Her income is irrelevant- what is relevant is how much the OP's H pays, as I've said, if he's paying more than half then he absolutely should reduce that, they shouldn't be struggling if he's overpaying but if he isn't then morally that's different. [/quote]
Its nothing to do with her partner. What is SHE contributing to these kids?

Also, how do you work out half? A lot of people say pay half pay half but can never explain how you work out what half is.

How much maintenance does he pay and what is he planning to reduce to?

@aSofaNearYou Yes. I don't think it should be done because of the potential emotional damage.

I also think the thrust of the OP's message was that the EXW is having an easy ride in some way and that that is the reason why the DC should suffer. I'm basing this on the assumption that the maintenance goes to the DC and paying for their activities.

HTH

Her income is irrelevant I used to agree with this. But then I realised it is. Her financial situation is relevant in that if she had very little income and higher outgoings it would be unfair of DH to drastically reduce his maintenance to the CMS levels with no warning.

It's really difficult but these are your OHs children and as you say the amount set by CMS doesn't really cover the cost of raising DC.
I certainly wouldn't suggest just paying the minimum if dad can afford more.
As a parent I have cut back on all my own non essential expenditure before cutting back on things that impact DCs like activities.
So I think you should cut back on other things before maintenance and then if there is still not enough income then maintenance should be cut as a last resort.
Their mum will also be impacted by rising cost of living.
If it means that DC can no longer do clubs then ideally both parents should explain together to DC that it is no longer affordable and perhaps ask then to choose an activity they want to continue and an activity they could stop.

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@aSofaNearYou Yes. I don't think it should be done because of the potential emotional damage.

I also think the thrust of the OP's message was that the EXW is having an easy ride in some way and that that is the reason why the DC should suffer. I'm basing this on the assumption that the maintenance goes to the DC and paying for their activities.

HTH
[/quote]
You haven't answered the questions posed asking whether you think it shouldn't be done even if that means OPs household can't afford the basics, or can but with zero luxuries for them and their joint DC?

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@aSofaNearYou Yes. I don't think it should be done because of the potential emotional damage.

I also think the thrust of the OP's message was that the EXW is having an easy ride in some way and that that is the reason why the DC should suffer. I'm basing this on the assumption that the maintenance goes to the DC and paying for their activities.

HTH
[/quote]
So what about the emotional damage to the resident child? Is that okay?

I also think the thrust of the OP's message was that the EXW is having an easy ride in some way and that that is the reason why the DC should suffer. this is absolutely not the thrust of my message.

@FloralsForSpring

Her income is irrelevant I used to agree with this. But then I realised it is. Her financial situation is relevant in that if she had very little income and higher outgoings it would be unfair of DH to drastically reduce his maintenance to the CMS levels with no warning.

It's only relevant when they're a low earner etc. It's never relevant when they're better off or the dad is struggling. MN hates men, and hates step mothers even more.

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@aSofaNearYou Yes. I don't think it should be done because of the potential emotional damage.

I also think the thrust of the OP's message was that the EXW is having an easy ride in some way and that that is the reason why the DC should suffer. I'm basing this on the assumption that the maintenance goes to the DC and paying for their activities.

HTH
[/quote]
Isn't there potential emotional damage from not having the things they are used to at dad's house anymore? No fancy shampoo,no tv package and their shows, primark clothes etc.? Or is that acceptable?

It's only relevant when they're a low earner etc. yes I agree sorry wasn't clear.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro you've literally ignored what I just said about you not knowing anything about her finances. As I said, she may have inherited money as well as the house, she may have savings, she may earn a good hourly rate for those 5-10 hours - you have absolutely no idea!

The partner also is irrelevant, if he's paying half the household bills (which doesn't include a mortgage mind) then she will have more money. Just as the OP paying half of their household bills will mean her H has more money.

Half is essentials the kids need - clothes, food, toothpaste then the roof over their head, heating etc (hence why it's worked out by how many days a week the NRP sees them)

@FloralsForSpring

It's only relevant when they're a low earner etc. yes I agree sorry wasn't clear.

I feel for you. We have been in a similar situation albeit she did have a mortgage x

And to make sure it is clear the primary clothes are kept here she isn't made to wear them out and about with her school mates etc which would be a big no no for her.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro what emotional damage? This DC is, I assume the product is a happy marriage.

[quote Lou98]@Getyourarseofffthequattro you've literally ignored what I just said about you not knowing anything about her finances. As I said, she may have inherited money as well as the house, she may have savings, she may earn a good hourly rate for those 5-10 hours - you have absolutely no idea!

The partner also is irrelevant, if he's paying half the household bills (which doesn't include a mortgage mind) then she will have more money. Just as the OP paying half of their household bills will mean her H has more money.

Half is essentials the kids need - clothes, food, toothpaste then the roof over their head, heating etc (hence why it's worked out by how many days a week the NRP sees them) [/quote]
So presumably if she only pays for their essentials at say £50 per month, that's all dad has to pay too?

*primark.

So its clear there is a difference in social circles but she's never forced to wear her "here" clothes at mums, she has her nice stuff there.

[quote DownToTheSeaAgain]@Getyourarseofffthequattro what emotional damage? This DC is, I assume the product is a happy marriage. [/quote]
The emotional damage of having all their treats cut and struggling for essentials of course? Mummy and daddy being married doesn't put food on the table now does it?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro in what way do all those essentials come to £50 a month?

I've also just seen you said you've been in a similar situation so you're obviously assuming everyone's situation is the same. I'm sorry you had a shitty time with the ex not paying their share but that in no way means this woman isn't, again - you know nothing of her finances

In fact, going by @DownToTheSeaAgain 's logic dad and OP should cut things including maintenance to ensure that when the children come they are comfortable,happy,having the things they are used to while there in order to prevent the possible emotional damage. The kid might suddenly feel unwelcome and unloved now that she has subpar shampoo.

If the goal is the children's feelings then keeping things as they were at dad's should be the priority . That wouldn't fit the narrative though would it?

[quote Lou98]@Getyourarseofffthequattro in what way do all those essentials come to £50 a month?

I've also just seen you said you've been in a similar situation so you're obviously assuming everyone's situation is the same. I'm sorry you had a shitty time with the ex not paying their share but that in no way means this woman isn't, again - you know nothing of her finances [/quote]
It was an example. You didn't answer? You also didn't answer how to work out half?

Thanks for assuming I'm projecting when I was infact offering understanding to op.

The emotional damage of having all their treats cut and struggling for essentials of course? Mummy and daddy being married doesn't put food on the table now does it?

@DownToTheSeaAgain seems very reluctant to actually answer this.

@Coyoacan

It is hard to say as you don't really explain how bad your finances are but, on the face of it, the children are going to suffer big time from cutting maintenance back. Some children live for their after-school activities.

Then ex wife can get more hours at work surely?