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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Secret child😌

113 replies

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 10:25

Where do I start 😂 any advice is welcome please…
I started dating my OH around 4/5 years ago he was more invested in the relationship than me at the time, I did tell him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and we kept it casual this was probably my first mistake.
His mum fell ill with cancer and that’s when I realised I wanted to be there for this man, so that’s what we did, I fell pregnant with our little boy and we moved in together and lived happily ever after… untill I got a message from another woman saying her daughter was my partners, our boy was 10 months old and the little girl was 18 months old so as you can imagine I’m confused here, turns out during the time I wasn’t ready for the relationship he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s, I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh or who knows I don’t know but it doesn’t sit well with me. There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing. We did a sibling dna because oh didn’t want to know because she had lied and said the little girl was someone else. So I guess my question here is what do I do now ? The other woman and her mother wanted my son and her daughter to have a sibling relationship but doesn’t want oh to have anything to do with her ? That wouldn’t work right ? Can I tell oh he must see this little girl ? We’re still together at the moment and I think about it every single day all the time and I ask myself should I still be with him? Should I try and force oh to have a relationship with the child but in all honesty I think what has hurt me the most is that my boy and the little girl are born in the same year 8 months apart it just doesn’t feel right! Anyway sorry for longest post but has anyone ever been in this position? Oh and the other woman is happy to just move on and speak to the little girl when she is 18 but how on earth do I just live with this…

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 22:54

But we only know that OP's partner was sleeping around. The other guy is potentially made up....

Original poster
clomariejay · 20/03/2022 23:58

@liveforsummer

But we only know that OP's partner was sleeping around. The other guy is potentially made up....
She did have a partner, he went to prison she was still speaking to him as her mum confirmed it when I went round for the dna, when it came out she was pregnant her mum said she told this guy in prison and he was ok with it as he was in prison so she was free to live her life, but I was also told that she was seeing someone at her work place an this is how she got away with saying it was someone else’s, but then when I spoke to ow about this she said she was 100% sure it was my oh either way. I had so many questions but it’s a woman’s choice what she does with her pregnancy never mind who it’s with
OP posts:
BadNomad · 21/03/2022 00:18

In your opening post you said she only told other people it was someone else's baby because your OH said he didn't want the baby. She knew it was his and he was told. He refused to step up so I'm guessing she hoped to get someone else to take responsibility. But your OH knew there was a strong possibility, he just went along with her lie because it suited him and he chose to lie to you about it too. Started a family with you while pretending the other child wasn't his.

Original poster
clomariejay · 21/03/2022 00:53

She told him she was pregnant he told he wasn’t ready and didn’t want a child with her as they barely knew each other an all the rest of it an he said a few weeks later she said she was sure of her dates and that it was the other guy that she slept with and told him when the baby was born she’d do a dna and let him know, he heard nothing so contacted her an that’s when she told him she’d done the dna with this other guy and he was the dad and sent him a photo of the ‘dad’ and said look she has his nose… when I asked her about this she said she didn’t know what to say to him. I’m guessing she really wanted to have the baby and knowing he didn’t want to be with her or have a child with her she thought I’ll just say whatever so he will leave me alone and I can keep the child ? Not realising that the lie is potentially going to hurt a whole load of people… she also said had she of known about me she would of had an abortion which I didn’t know how to take 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
clomariejay · 21/03/2022 00:54

@BadNomad

In your opening post you said she only told other people it was someone else's baby because your OH said he didn't want the baby. She knew it was his and he was told. He refused to step up so I'm guessing she hoped to get someone else to take responsibility. But your OH knew there was a strong possibility, he just went along with her lie because it suited him and he chose to lie to you about it too. Started a family with you while pretending the other child wasn't his.
I do agree with you there the lie suited them both but it has caused a lot of damage now
OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 21/03/2022 01:06

What a mess. I hope your dh is paying maintenance for his dd.
I don't see how you can just let it go till she's 18. That's so unfair on the child. The children don't have to have a sibling relationship but they could meet occasionally like cousins and over time that might develop into a sibling relationship. They need to know they're related.

BeHappy91818 · 22/03/2022 23:09

Your partner lied to you. Over and over.

How can you ever trust him?

It’s also going to be pretty shit for your son when he has to tell everyone he has a sister that’s 8 months older then him by another mum…. The maths makes it seem like your partner cheated on you.

Original poster
clomariejay · 22/03/2022 23:30

@BeHappy91818

Your partner lied to you. Over and over.

How can you ever trust him?

It’s also going to be pretty shit for your son when he has to tell everyone he has a sister that’s 8 months older then him by another mum…. The maths makes it seem like your partner cheated on you.

I wouldn’t say that’s a reflection on me and my son though… Me and neither children have done anything wrong, they’re the innocents it’s their parents who have lied and are potentially messing up a little girls life. My son shouldn’t be massively affected by this situation, as I will protect him at all costs, one reason I did the sibling dna was so that if they did ever know each other when they’re older they know they’re half siblings because if not then that would be messy 🤦🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
BeHappy91818 · 22/03/2022 23:34

I never said you have done anything wrong.

But kids are cruel, you can’t protect him from gossip and stuff like that. How do you think he will feel when everyone asks him did his dad cheat on his mum? And why did his mum Stay with his dad.

I have cousins who are born 6 months apart, different mums as the dad had an affair. The kids got a lot of stick & teased for it at school.

Also you can’t ever trust your partner. He’s a liar.

Original poster
clomariejay · 22/03/2022 23:44

@BeHappy91818

I never said you have done anything wrong.

But kids are cruel, you can’t protect him from gossip and stuff like that. How do you think he will feel when everyone asks him did his dad cheat on his mum? And why did his mum Stay with his dad.

I have cousins who are born 6 months apart, different mums as the dad had an affair. The kids got a lot of stick & teased for it at school.

Also you can’t ever trust your partner. He’s a liar.

I won’t be looking forward to that then 🤦🏻‍♀️ Poor kids! I’m not staying though, I am choosing to leave it’s too much for me. I’d rather be a single mum than stay with him while there’s another child he doesn’t see, it’s not right and yes the lies too or the ‘not telling me to begin with’
OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/03/2022 05:05

People keep calling the other mum the OW, but this wasn't an affair. He wasn't cheating...OP wanted to keep things casual... that has all the hallmarks of non exclusivity.

I don't blame him for that..BUT...his response to her saying she was pregnant, is why she's acting this way now.

Best care scenario here is if mum just let him be a dad? I can’t understand why she won’t

She won't because she feels her daughter was rejected and unwanted by your DP... which was the case. He didn't want a child with HER. Of course that's going to be hurtful and she can't just forget about it. Had you not been pregnant, she may well have kept this all to herself.

She told him she was pregnant and after his comment, she was obviously feeling hurt and rejected, do she made up the fact that there was another man involved.

They hooked up just twice, but it sounds like they knew each other already, which probably left her feeling very disappointed..perhaps she wanted a future with him.

It's all a hot mess and his head in the sand attitude caused this.

The girl's mum should try and think about her child having a relationship with her dad, but just suspect she feels used and like she wasn't good enough for him to have a child with.

Original poster
clomariejay · 23/03/2022 09:44

@SandyY2K

People keep calling the other mum the OW, but this wasn't an affair. He wasn't cheating...OP wanted to keep things casual... that has all the hallmarks of non exclusivity.

I don't blame him for that..BUT...his response to her saying she was pregnant, is why she's acting this way now.

Best care scenario here is if mum just let him be a dad? I can’t understand why she won’t

She won't because she feels her daughter was rejected and unwanted by your DP... which was the case. He didn't want a child with HER. Of course that's going to be hurtful and she can't just forget about it. Had you not been pregnant, she may well have kept this all to herself.

She told him she was pregnant and after his comment, she was obviously feeling hurt and rejected, do she made up the fact that there was another man involved.

They hooked up just twice, but it sounds like they knew each other already, which probably left her feeling very disappointed..perhaps she wanted a future with him.

It's all a hot mess and his head in the sand attitude caused this.

The girl's mum should try and think about her child having a relationship with her dad, but just suspect she feels used and like she wasn't good enough for him to have a child with.

Whilst I understand it and can understand she may of been hurt and no she’s not technically other woman but I just don’t agree with how she’s gone about things… oh is no better in my eyes though, they both have covered this up and it’s not only got me involved but another innocent child, if the truth had been told from the start I definitely would not be here
OP posts:
Original poster
clomariejay · 23/03/2022 09:55

Telling him he wasn’t the father only benefited him, he was then free to go ahead and start a family with someone else…
Which look at how it’s ended up

OP posts:
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