Secret child😌

[clomariejay]

Where do I start 😂 any advice is welcome please…
I started dating my OH around 4/5 years ago he was more invested in the relationship than me at the time, I did tell him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and we kept it casual this was probably my first mistake.
His mum fell ill with cancer and that’s when I realised I wanted to be there for this man, so that’s what we did, I fell pregnant with our little boy and we moved in together and lived happily ever after… untill I got a message from another woman saying her daughter was my partners, our boy was 10 months old and the little girl was 18 months old so as you can imagine I’m confused here, turns out during the time I wasn’t ready for the relationship he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s, I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh or who knows I don’t know but it doesn’t sit well with me. There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing. We did a sibling dna because oh didn’t want to know because she had lied and said the little girl was someone else. So I guess my question here is what do I do now ? The other woman and her mother wanted my son and her daughter to have a sibling relationship but doesn’t want oh to have anything to do with her ? That wouldn’t work right ? Can I tell oh he must see this little girl ? We’re still together at the moment and I think about it every single day all the time and I ask myself should I still be with him? Should I try and force oh to have a relationship with the child but in all honesty I think what has hurt me the most is that my boy and the little girl are born in the same year 8 months apart it just doesn’t feel right! Anyway sorry for longest post but has anyone ever been in this position? Oh and the other woman is happy to just move on and speak to the little girl when she is 18 but how on earth do I just live with this…

@clomariejay

My son is 16 months now so he’s still a little young but I think when he’s around 5 I would mention it and then I would explain further when he was around 12/13 and then I guess we would go over and over it again a few times untill he’s 18 just so he is made aware

He’s not young and I think you are hugely underestimating his ability to absorb information and understand.

@TheSnowyOwl
Paternity having been established, the OP's partner would have no trouble gaining access. He would also face the obligation to provide child support. The mother's objection to him having access would not likely sway a court.

The girl has a right to relationship with both her father and her sibling. The son has a right to his relationship with his sibling. As things stand now ,both the daughter's mother and father are thinking of what is easiest and affirming for them rather than what is best for the child..

Once again a situation involving adults acting without regard for the potential outcomes of their actions. Self absorbed adults reproducing randomly ,and we all wonder where entitled children come from. What is more entitled than creating a life and treating parental access and responsibility in such a willy-nilly manner?

Well I wish he would listen an understand the other stuff I say but yeah of course I understand where your coming from, they have met and been around each other for about an hour while I chatted with grandma of the little girl and we did the dna together so we all knew it was 100% correct and they had a little play and grandma took a photo of them two and sent me that so I have that to show him anyway. He will always be made aware of his half sister, if I went on to meet someone else and had children I’d expect it to be the same so I wouldn’t never keep this from him for him to find out from some one else especially we live very local to them also 🤦🏻‍♀️

I know someone who only found out they had another sister when they ended up in the same class at school... Like two peas in a pod they were, too. News to the rest of the family and a bit of a shock all round. So yes, better to let your son get accustomed to this well in advance.

About maintenance - I would be worried about the partner and how much of the money would mother and daughter actually retain? Sounds a bit gangland from what you've mentioned. Can maintenance be paid to the grandmother for safer keeping?

The maintenance can be paid through the court once it is established. It is a little bit disingenuous to worry about safe keeping of money when you are not particularly concerned about the safe keeping of your child. Talk about twisted priorities.

????? This is not my child and it is not the OP's child.

I agree with you… we wouldn’t know what the maintenance is going on but oh is happy to help her with this but she didn’t accept it an didn’t want anything to do with him but I guess when he goes to court he will start paying her that through court anyway. @Tattler2 I haven't said anywhere that oh doesn’t care about the safety of the child ?

I think both my oh and ow have been wrong in a few ways about how they’ve handled this whole situation, but for the sake of my own mental health I think I’ll have to walk away from this and get on with my life with my little boy… I did not cause this situation, an I definitely wouldn’t of got myself caught up in it had I have known about the other woman and their daughter. It’s such a difficult situation to be in an I can only hope my son will understand why I did what I did with the sibling dna and my reason for not allowing the sibling relationship from my end, I’d love for them to have that but through dad not me… Thankyou all for your comments and advice, I really appreciate it as I haven’t been able to speak to many people about this it’s been a little embarrassing to be honest, maybe in a few years if they’ve managed to have a relationship etc things might be different but something is telling me the longer I stay with him the longer he will be kept from seeing his daughter…

OP, I am sorry if my assumptions were wrong. I just thought that a man who takes the attitude that he is willing to wait for his daughter to reach out to him isn't to concerned about her well-being in the interim.

I just think that once your husband was put on notice that this is his child that he had an obligation to be proactive in obtaining legal access and providing legal support never mind the moral obligations that he should have felt without any prompting from you.

Clearly, you have a better moral compass than your partner.

I completely understand what your saying… if it wasn’t for me oh wouldn’t even know the results, the mum wanted to keep the results from him this is how much she wanted to be a single parent which I just don’t know why she told me in the first place, as much as the little girl will more than likely not understand why her dad was there she will also learn that her mum didn’t want him there and didn’t inform him on many occasions and didn’t want him there, I know who I would rather hear out… oh hasn’t done much wrong to this little girl, he didn’t think she was his and iv seen the messages myself with the photo of another man saying this is her dad to then have it dropped on us when we were in the middle of raising our son and him grieving his mum was all abit much so I took lead and did the sibling dna test so that we all got the truth

OP , you seem to be a decent woman. What I am less understanding of is how a man suffering the pain of losing his mother would willingly take the chance of possibly losing his daughter as well.

You have the benefit of knowing or having met all of the actors in this drama. So. I trust that your firsthand experience and observations put you in a better position than I am in to form an accurate opinion.

Good luck as you move forward with all of these people. Hopefully, the mom and dad will make more mature decisions as they move forward in relation to the daughter.

I think he lost the chance the moment mum decided to tell him the child was someone else’s… his mum was alive when both baby’s were born she could of met her nan before she passed like our son got to, and she knew about his mum cos she mentioned it to me so I think she was probably watching our social medias accounts and waiting to tell me or something I don’t know, I think oh was scared to lose me an our son aswell but either way I wouldn’t stop him seeing our son, I just wouldn’t he has caused us no harm! but yeah I’m taking myself out the situation now and hopefully they do sort it out between themselves

While his mum was suffering from cancer, and despite being invested in you, this man was off shagging other women. Then on hearing he made a baby his response is "Nope. I don't want to know" and pretends it never happened. Then he decides to have a baby with you without mentioning any other women or the possibility that he might have another child about to be born any day? Your OH is a selfish, immature shit and a terrible father. What an awful way to treat people.

Your only responsibility is to your son. It sounds like the OW knows what's best for her child is to not have her asshole father in her life. If she doesn't accept maintenance money then he should put that money in a savings account for his daughter for the future. It's the least he can do.

@BadNomad I think it may be more complicated. OWs partner may be blocking any other man's involvement while he is care of Her Maj.

Also, don't underestimate how much losing your mum in this way can affect people. Only the OP knows what her DP was like in normal times and whether his behaviour was off the wall for him at that time.

This is about the DP who hasn't done a single thing about his other child other than blame everyone else. It is the OP who has confirmed paternity. It is the other mother who has asked for contact between the siblings. All the "father" has done is blame his dead mum.

Invested to begin with until I obviously told him I wasn’t ready for the whole committed relationship, by that I meant he was really putting all the stops out to begin with and I can imagine me saying ‘I don’t want anything serious right now’ probably put him way off an he decided to speak to other people again, I’m not a arsehole I understand that if someone told me they weren’t interested in me damn right I’ll try my luck else where then! And that’s how we’ve ended up here although I really don’t think it’s my fault 😂 oh mums cancer wasn’t diagnosed at that point either, there was about 8 months in between where we found out about the cancer and then she was able to meet our son before she passed 4 weeks after he was born, but anyway he has a great relationship with our son it’s beautiful, and I would like to think that he will have that with his daughter too personally I see no reason for her stopping him seeing their daughter it would make everyone’s life so much better and that little girl would have her father, after it been kept a secret for so long

@BadNomad

This is about the DP who hasn't done a single thing about his other child other than blame everyone else. It is the OP who has confirmed paternity. It is the other mother who has asked for contact between the siblings. All the "father" has done is blame his dead mum.

I confirmed paternity because neither mum or dad would get off their arse and meet each other after all the lies and shit they both caused to us all involved to do it so I put my foot down and got it done…

I could sit here and be angry at the fact he didn’t tell me he slept with someone but there are two kids who are more important, she point blank told him he wasn’t the dad after saying she was pregnant and showed him a photo of the supposed dad iv already previously said most men would do the same thing and carry on with life as if it never happened, especially if they didn’t want a child with that person it’s just how I have come to learn how men are which is shit but it is what it is

Thankyou for your comment, I’m happy you and your sister got to have that relationship from a young age how lovely! Best care scenario here is if mum just let him be a dad? I can’t understand why she won’t, but as I’m walking away from the situation now for my own sake I hope he will go to court for her. I mean I’d absolutely love for my son and his half sister to have a bond an a relationship from a young age but it can’t come from me unfortunately, I even offered from the start to all meet up and let’s do it properly but my oh and the ow were too selfish tbh an just wanted to argue it out an cause more drama and made a big decision that iv since just had to get on with but I just can’t

He knew of the pregnancy and he also knew regardless of what the other woman told him that it could be his, lack of protection and the dates must have made him realise. He can't be that stupid. But he took the easy route and believed her because it's the most convenient truth for him.

The children can't have a sibling relationship with one not having any involvement with her father- it's cruel, a massive head fuck to her when she's older and is just so unethical.

In this scenario he needs to step up and either financially support his child or/and try to come to a parenting agreement- hopefully through mediation if not court. Both children deserve a father, a good one and if he's good enough for one he's good enough for the other. If she won't accept financial support I would expect him to open up a savings account and put the money in their for when she's older.

My daughter doesn't see her dad, she doesn't even know he exists- he was an extremely violent and dangerous individual. It kills me every single day that she doesn't have a dad she deserves. My dad was incredible I couldn't imagine a life without him. My husband has completely stepped up and filled the void- but because of my stupid errors of judgement she is not around her bio dad.

Your scenario is politics that's all it is- it's stupid and you all should be adult enough to overcome these barriers for the children involved.

Your husband needs to stop centring his universe around you and his son and open it up to his daughter. His fear you would leave hasn't led to fruition so he needs to step up.

The other mother needs to be communicated with, her choices are going to impact her daughter- she needs to stop being so selfish and see that.

As for you, you need to deal with his betrayal properly. By excusing it and blaming yourself means that in future it will be something that could explode in you- if you don't address it now, it will come to haunt you. And you can address it with forgiveness but you are skipping so many vital steps- he needs to acknowledge and you need to acknowledge he slept with someone else without protection on a number of occasions whilst he was with you- he needs to own this, and he needs to act on it by being a responsible husband and parent to both of his children.

Break the cycle before it has a chance to screw up two innocent lives.

Sorry to hear about your situation, how lovely your husband has stepped up though! I agree with you it’s just a little bit more complicated, mum won’t communicate with us despite coming to me in the first place, she says she’s becoming ill over the situation an this is why oh and mum decided they would leave it, which is out of my hands as she’s not my child to decide what to do with…

If I had been given the choice I wouldn’t be in this cycle 😩 I adore my son to pieces he’s everything but I wouldn’t of started a family with someone who had this going on in the background

@clomariejay

If I had been given the choice I wouldn’t be in this cycle 😩 I adore my son to pieces he’s everything but I wouldn’t of started a family with someone who had this going on in the background

Very few people have the 'perfect family setup' I know I certainly have either made terrible choices or put up with others making terrible choices that impact my life.

I do really think there is two situations here. Firstly the daughter and as you said it's not your child- it's your husband who needs to step up by either fighting through the courts or trying to mediate with her mother. Or walking away ( but to me that's a cop out, and the selfish thing to do)

But he has seriously put you in a horrendous situation- this needs to be acknowledged, and resolved- it was not your fault nor did you have any decision making power over it, yet it's causing hell in your life. I'm not saying don't forgive him but don't brush over it either, it wasn't an unfortunate accident. It was a premeditated action where your thoughts and feelings were not considered.

Really hope the future is kinder to you x

Goodness me...this just shows how messy casual sex can be if not using contraception...i dont agree it should always been down to the woman but sounds like sleeps around...should really be on the pill if she didnt want the risk! did she tell your partner she was?

This is not a nice position to be in...it wouldnt be nice knowing he was sleeping about when you were 'casual'

Sorry you're dealing with it x