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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Secret child😌

113 replies

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 10:25

Where do I start 😂 any advice is welcome please…
I started dating my OH around 4/5 years ago he was more invested in the relationship than me at the time, I did tell him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and we kept it casual this was probably my first mistake.
His mum fell ill with cancer and that’s when I realised I wanted to be there for this man, so that’s what we did, I fell pregnant with our little boy and we moved in together and lived happily ever after… untill I got a message from another woman saying her daughter was my partners, our boy was 10 months old and the little girl was 18 months old so as you can imagine I’m confused here, turns out during the time I wasn’t ready for the relationship he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s, I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh or who knows I don’t know but it doesn’t sit well with me. There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing. We did a sibling dna because oh didn’t want to know because she had lied and said the little girl was someone else. So I guess my question here is what do I do now ? The other woman and her mother wanted my son and her daughter to have a sibling relationship but doesn’t want oh to have anything to do with her ? That wouldn’t work right ? Can I tell oh he must see this little girl ? We’re still together at the moment and I think about it every single day all the time and I ask myself should I still be with him? Should I try and force oh to have a relationship with the child but in all honesty I think what has hurt me the most is that my boy and the little girl are born in the same year 8 months apart it just doesn’t feel right! Anyway sorry for longest post but has anyone ever been in this position? Oh and the other woman is happy to just move on and speak to the little girl when she is 18 but how on earth do I just live with this…

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 12:30

@Tattler2 And if OP went along with facilitating contact, then she would be knowingly complicit in this woman keeping her daughter from her father for no good reason. Catch 22 situation right there.

It's emotional blackmail to say that OP must do these things because she allowed the DNA test. It's still up to the mother and father to make decisions about contact and sibling relationships.

TabithaTittlemouse · 20/03/2022 12:31

It feels unfair that they are both putting this on you.
Would he be prepared to fight for contact with his daughter or can he not be bothered?

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 12:32

@liveforsummer

I’m guessing MOST men would do if they didn’t want a child with someone

I actually don't imagine most men would. Only a certain type of man and this would be a problem for me, along with the fact he's willing to accept mom doesn't want him to have contact. He can blame her when actually there's plenty he could do about that.

I think OP is right, most men would accept it if someone they were sleeping with said they were sure the baby was somebody else's.

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 12:34

I think OP is right, most men would accept it if someone they were sleeping with said they were sure the baby was somebody else's.

Really? When they'd initially said baby was theirs and there was another man at a similar time. How could she even have been sore herself under those circumstances?!

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 12:34

@clomariejay

Of course when my boy is old enough I would tell him, he has a right to know he has a half sibling I wouldn’t deny him that or the little girl. But I just don’t think it falls on me to let them have a sibling relationship while they are this young

I think it does. If your OH isn't a competent enough father to accommodate the relationship I think you should.

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 12:39

Really? When they'd initially said baby was theirs and there was another man at a similar time. How could she even have been sore herself under those circumstances?

Because of the timings of when they had sex and where her period fell?

I don't think his behaviour has been exemplary by any means but in this particular regard I wouldn't be surprised if any man took her at her word when she explicitly told him she was sure the baby wasn't his, unless they were hoping the baby would be theirs.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 12:40

@aSofaNearYou

Really? When they'd initially said baby was theirs and there was another man at a similar time. How could she even have been sore herself under those circumstances?

Because of the timings of when they had sex and where her period fell?

She only said she'd slept with someone else after he said he wasn't interested. Anyone with half a brain would get proof.

SeasonFinale · 20/03/2022 12:43

OH could go to court for contact with his child and via that the siblings can have a relationship. To me the ex wanting the siblings to have a relationship but not the father is a way of punishing him and also attempting to put a block in your relationship.

He should go to court for proper access. I bet she doesn't want the siblings relationship at all.

Feelingoktoday · 20/03/2022 12:44

It doesn’t read to me that the OPs H chose to abandon the child. I think that’s unfair to say that. Firstly he didn’t know he had a child. The mother, rightly made a choice to bring up the child on her own. You can force a mother to allow access to a child. Even a court order can be ignored.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 12:44

If a man doesn't want a child with someone most men indeed burry their head in the sand about it, that’s why there’s so many stories about secret children and children being abandoned by dads, so imagine being told wait no this guy is the dad, your not the dad. Most men would indeed leave it there but there is so much he could do to see her and this is why I have made this post because if I can’t force him, do I leave him? Was looking for some advice

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 12:44

But she'd have known the timings when she first said he was the dad. As below, anyone with half a brain wound want a bit more than a later made up second man as evidence

CharlotteRose90 · 20/03/2022 12:45

I wish people would stop saying the guy is the problem he’s not. You don’t know he Didn’t use protection. He slept with the other woman twice and she unfortunately got pregnant. She decided to keep it and he wasn’t ready so didn’t commit, yes he should have started the ball with maintenance but he doesn’t have to be forced to see or have a child he doesn’t want. She quite happily told someone else he was the father so that says more about her to me then him. Now the dna is done he needs to start paying maintenance and that’s it. He doesn’t want to be involved and that’s ok. Op you need to decide if you want your child involved but if you don’t that’s ok. Hopefully you can sort it between you.

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 12:46

You can force a mother to allow access to a child. Even a court order can be ignored.

Yes you can, or can only be ignored for so long

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 12:54

While I was pregnant, the little girl would have been a few months old and oh contacted her and asked if she had a dna test yet as he hasn’t heard of her, she told him yes and this other guy was the dad and he told him he had a child on the way an this is why he wanted to know which caused arguments which I’m guessing is because she felt stupid for lying and that he was actually going to be a dad to another child, months later she contacted him and told him that she wasn’t sure an that she hadn’t done a dna and asked him to do one by this point our son was born and he said he couldn’t at that point in time but would contact her soon, she blocked him and the next contact would be when she contacted me about it so tbh with you both of them were so wrong

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/03/2022 12:58

If neither parent want the sibling relationship on their time, would it actually benefit either child? Arguments would rage down the years over every aspect, with both children in firing range. Perhaps it is better to inform both children, maybe let them write to each other as they get older, and they can choose to meet up as adults.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/03/2022 12:59

Of course, if you live close, and they are going to end up at the same school - scratch the above!

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 13:05

Has he started paying maintenance? Is he acknowledging that he has responsibilities? Has he told his family about this other child?

Personally I'd have lost all respect for him if he'd been anything other than regretful of missing the first however many months of her life.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 13:13

@girlmom21

Has he started paying maintenance? Is he acknowledging that he has responsibilities? Has he told his family about this other child?

Personally I'd have lost all respect for him if he'd been anything other than regretful of missing the first however many months of her life.

He offered maintenance she said she didn’t want it, she didn’t want anything other than the children to have a relationship and for me to be involved too. He was regretful to some extent but he also said he wasn’t sure how to feel because he doesn’t know this child yet, hasn’t seen her or anything, but I did reassure him all the feelings he has for our son, it would all come in time when he met this little girl.

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2022 13:16

It sounds like the OW lied about the DNA test at some stage. Have either of you actually seen the test results? or is he just taking her word for it.
It also sounds like, not getting what she wanted from DP, she contacted you. Probably a bit resentful to be raising a child alone, whilst he had a partner to raise his child with.
Id be a bit disappointed with a man who wouldn't acknowledge his own child, although the mother is not making it easy for him, and in that respect neither are thinking of the baby but of themselves, which is a bit of a worry.
I would say that its for them to work out, but you are involved because she wants a relationship between the siblings. Only you know the personalities involved. It's really a case for you to decide if she means that or is just trying to get back at your DP and would continue to cause future problems. However, I do think contacting you behind his back smacks of resentment.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 13:19

Ok so is he willing to have a relationship with her? I wonder if she wants you involved so she's not solely reliant on a man she doesn't trust? I'm not saying she's right not to trust him, but I could understand if she doesn't.

I'd suggest he still saves maintenance money so if she gets into hardship or changes her mind it's there, and if she doesn't he can give it to his daughter when she's older.

If he is willing to have a relationship with his daughter - and you think you can accept that - she needs to be a part of the family. They're very young at the moment but as she gets older she needs to know she's treated the same as her brother.

This must be so hard for you. Are you ok?

Iwonder08 · 20/03/2022 13:20

There are 2 things you need to do here:
Leave your DH to sort out his relationship with his daughter and her mother(who BTW sounds unhinged) and do not introduce your son to the girl and her mother until you are positively sure the normal, regular co tact is established between your DH and the girl

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 13:31

@girlmom21

I'd suggest he still saves maintenance money so if she gets into hardship or changes her mind it's there, and if she doesn't he can give it to his daughter when she's older.

This must be so hard for you. Are you ok?

I am okay but I do think about this every day, does oh have any rights if he went to court? He would like to see her an has said if mum would allow him he would, I think going to court is what’s setting him back and I guess it’s different when you have met a child and have bond and then for it to be taken away compared to been told a child that isn’t yours and now all of sudden it is. We’ve had no contact with mum for about 2 months now and oh and mum decided they wanted to leave it, but here I am and it’s still the first thing on my mind…

OP posts:

Pbbananabagel · 20/03/2022 13:33

The only correct course now is to go to court for your oh to get access to his daughter and make her a full part of your lives. The dna test is enough evidence for him to claim parental responsibility and all relevant professionals will support a little girl having a relationship with her father. It’s the best thing for her and for your son.

Tattler2 · 20/03/2022 13:34

@aSofaNearYou
In what way is it emotional blackmail to say that the OP's willing and active involvement created an obligation for her to let her son k ow about his sibling.

The OP did not need to involve herself in this situation on any level but she chose to do so. But for her actions, paternity would not have been confirmed. She ceased to be an innocent and independent bystander when she chose to provide her son's DNA.

She chose to be a participant and know she does not like the feelings, responsibilities, and consequences that flow from willing involvement. She was not coherced into providing the DNA.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 13:35

He'll definitely get contact if he goes through court. It'll be a long hard process but it's his child and she deserves the effort.

I think it's really sad he hasn't made any effort. Would he be willing to text her and say "can you and DD meet me and DS at soft play next weekend?"
I do think the onus is on him to make contact here.

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