Secret child😌

[clomariejay]

Where do I start 😂 any advice is welcome please…
I started dating my OH around 4/5 years ago he was more invested in the relationship than me at the time, I did tell him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and we kept it casual this was probably my first mistake.
His mum fell ill with cancer and that’s when I realised I wanted to be there for this man, so that’s what we did, I fell pregnant with our little boy and we moved in together and lived happily ever after… untill I got a message from another woman saying her daughter was my partners, our boy was 10 months old and the little girl was 18 months old so as you can imagine I’m confused here, turns out during the time I wasn’t ready for the relationship he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s, I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh or who knows I don’t know but it doesn’t sit well with me. There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing. We did a sibling dna because oh didn’t want to know because she had lied and said the little girl was someone else. So I guess my question here is what do I do now ? The other woman and her mother wanted my son and her daughter to have a sibling relationship but doesn’t want oh to have anything to do with her ? That wouldn’t work right ? Can I tell oh he must see this little girl ? We’re still together at the moment and I think about it every single day all the time and I ask myself should I still be with him? Should I try and force oh to have a relationship with the child but in all honesty I think what has hurt me the most is that my boy and the little girl are born in the same year 8 months apart it just doesn’t feel right! Anyway sorry for longest post but has anyone ever been in this position? Oh and the other woman is happy to just move on and speak to the little girl when she is 18 but how on earth do I just live with this…

For me I think she wants a sibling relationship to get back at my partner for settling down with someone else and having a family… it’s kind of like well you can’t have a relationship with her but your son can because he’s her half brother but then what about dad ? He’s her dad… she’s not thinking about it properly and it shows

I think you're the only person here who actually cares about the children more than the games.

I am okay but I do think about this every day, does oh have any rights if he went to court?

Shouldn't your OH have thoroughly researched this rather than just leaving it to the point you're proactively asking strangers about it on MN?

Not saying you're doing anything wrong in asking necessarily, I would just be ever so disappointed in my partner (your OH) if he hadn't looked into all avenues to do with this situation so he knows where he stands. You know, because he is father to a real, living, breathing little girl.

He sounds like a head in the sand type. They're rarely able to act as an equal team in tough times which is why I don't think they are especially good partners.

Of course he wound have rights if he went to court. A child has 2 parents and unless one is a significant danger (sometimes even if they are) courts recognise this and ensure access. Once I the birth certificate (this can be arranged through court also) he has equal parental rights.

I could easily walk away from this but the whole reason I did the sibling dna was because that little girl does deserve the truth, an my boy deserves know too but my oh reached out after the dna results came back but the mum was having none of it… she does have a partner who is in prison who she’s waiting for im not sure if he has anything to do with her reasons for not wanting my oh to be in the child’s life, but too much has been said between them the lies and arguing about it for them to even meet up and go to a soft play, I originally planned to go to a toddler group with mum and both the baby’s but both our family’s disagreed with me and said it wasn’t right for me to do this without her letting her dad see her so it kind of just ended there

Apologies if I'm misunderstanding this, but are we ignoring the fact that he cheated on you? You say that you were less invested in the relationship than him at first, but was this to the point where you don't mind that he slept with someone else? That was him being more invested than you?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I am okay but I do think about this every day, does oh have any rights if he went to court?

Shouldn't your OH have thoroughly researched this rather than just leaving it to the point you're proactively asking strangers about it on MN?

Not saying you're doing anything wrong in asking necessarily, I would just be ever so disappointed in my partner (your OH) if he hadn't looked into all avenues to do with this situation so he knows where he stands. You know, because he is father to a real, living, breathing little girl.

He sounds like a head in the sand type. They're rarely able to act as an equal team in tough times which is why I don't think they are especially good partners.

He is indeed a head in the sand type, he has lost both his parents and his mum recently just weeks after our boy was born and then now this he definitely is burying his head in it, I’m trying my best to do what’s right and I feel like I have so far but it’s been difficult to talk to oh about this this is why iv come here, it’s been some months and everyone including my family have stopped speaking about it, so I thought I’d come on here an get some advice

@thelittlefox

Apologies if I'm misunderstanding this, but are we ignoring the fact that he cheated on you? You say that you were less invested in the relationship than him at first, but was this to the point where you don't mind that he slept with someone else? That was him being more invested than you?

😂 I was waiting for this one but I have let it slide due to the fact there is two children involved here, but we wasn’t in a seriously committed relationship, I was off deciding what I wanted to do with my life and wasn’t bothered about a man at this point, we dated we had fun and we was just casual about it. I wasn’t aware he was sleeping with other people though but I do have to let that part slide… I have already told him he could of told me when we did settle down that he had slept with someone else etc all the rest of it but his response was always going to be ‘you told me you wasn’t ready to be in a a relationship blah blah’ how can I fight with that?

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
In what way is it emotional blackmail to say that the OP's willing and active involvement created an obligation for her to let her son k ow about his sibling.

The OP did not need to involve herself in this situation on any level but she chose to do so. But for her actions, paternity would not have been confirmed. She ceased to be an innocent and independent bystander when she chose to provide her son's DNA.

She chose to be a participant and know she does not like the feelings, responsibilities, and consequences that flow from willing involvement. She was not coherced into providing the DNA.[/quote]
I didn’t say I don’t like the feeling etc that has came with this, I asked for advice on where to go next I could have just left it of course but what mother would that have made me?Secondly I did the sibling dna test for the sake of myself my son and the little girl involved… if I could go back I would do the same thing again because the truth needed to be told.

Why can't the adults involved in this situation act like adults and all just pull together for both children involved? It won't work with the siblings seeing each other but the girl not being able to see her Dad, madness that her Mum even thought that scenario would work, so confusing and damaging for those children.
Why can't everyone put on their big boy and big girl pants and just agree to be polite and put the kids first, let the baby girl have a Dad and step brother rather than dumping it all on her as she enters adulthood.

I would be pretty reluctant to let my young child visit with this family, with the partner in/out of prison! OK, I don't know the reasons, but you get a few chances to be a good citizen these days before they lock you up.

The mum's ongoing involvement with your child is.... an unusual proposition, shall we say.

Last I heard about her partner was he had appealed that he was forced to murder someone ? I think he is still inside that I know of but I would never let my child around them without me tbh but I don’t think my son does need to be involved really with her mum/partner…

He’s had two children with two women in a year.
You want to keep things light at first, so he disrespects you by shagging about. He gets a woman pregnant and doesn’t want to know, just walks away.

Doesn’t tell you what he’s been up to - have you been tested for STIs since you found out about all this? How many women he didn’t impregnate was he shagging while seeing you?

I don’t know why you’re giving the feckless, disrespectful wastrel your time. You and your son deserve more.

OP, it sounds as though you, the daughter's mom, and your partner all viewed your various relationships as casual. Thus there is no reason to think that any deception was involved. Given that both women became pregnant. It ,on the surface, does not sound as though contraception played a major role in either relationship. So no need for finger pointing there.

It sounds as though foreseeable and obvious outcomes resulted from every action taken in this scenario.

The real question is how these 3 adults respond to the foreseeable and predictable outcomes of the actions that each of them have undertaken.

If there are any potentially suffering/damaged victims here, it will be the 2 children.

The OP tries to excuse her partner's behavior as that which many men might have done under the circumstances. The truth is that an honorable man and good father would go to court to gain access to his child. He should also be escrowing support funds in his daughter's name until such time as court ordered support is in place.

That is what a good and decent man would do. A less than decent man will avoid court and blame the mother. The OP does not have to like or respect the girl's mother , but it is hard to see how she can respect her partner.

@clomariejay

Last I heard about her partner was he had appealed that he was forced to murder someone ? I think he is still inside that I know of but I would never let my child around them without me tbh but I don’t think my son does need to be involved really with her mum/partner…

Your son won't ever need to be involved with his sisters DM if their DF goes for proper contact

Half siblings can and should have a good relationship. Kids don't need to know dates, times and relationship status at the time of their conception or birth. If they get accustomed to seeing one another while they are young enough they will be accepting of one another. The truth is good enough when they start asking questions, keep it as simple as possible

Your oh may not have planned the other child but he is still responsible for their existence. I don't admire anyone who would falsely name someone else as father so he can't be blamed for not knowing until now. He should offer financial support through statutory means. He should get to know his child. How many times have we read stories of children being messed up in situations like this.
If you're agreeable he could have contact with the other child as other absent fathers do..EOW plus evenings.
You also don't know if you will still be together in the future so you need to encourage him to do the right thing now as that will model his future behaviour

@Tattler2

OP, it sounds as though you, the daughter's mom, and your partner all viewed your various relationships as casual. Thus there is no reason to think that any deception was involved. Given that both women became pregnant. It ,on the surface, does not sound as though contraception played a major role in either relationship. So no need for finger pointing there.

It sounds as though foreseeable and obvious outcomes resulted from every action taken in this scenario.

The real question is how these 3 adults respond to the foreseeable and predictable outcomes of the actions that each of them have undertaken.

If there are any potentially suffering/damaged victims here, it will be the 2 children.

The OP tries to excuse her partner's behavior as that which many men might have done under the circumstances. The truth is that an honorable man and good father would go to court to gain access to his child. He should also be escrowing support funds in his daughter's name until such time as court ordered support is in place.

That is what a good and decent man would do. A less than decent man will avoid court and blame the mother. The OP does not have to like or respect the girl's mother , but it is hard to see how she can respect her partner.

Was casual* because of me… we then settled down and had a child together, before hand I wouldn’t of had a child… if I had known about this other woman’s pregnancy I wouldn’t of even thought about taking him serious or getting pregnant with him… so no I didn’t use contraception 🤨 the last thing I want is to cause damage or trauma to either of the baby’s but I feel like the damage is already done…

I think the first issue is how you feel about your partner now. I know you said you were not serious and you did not feel committed and that is when he slept with her a few times. But why did he not tell you when you were pregnant that he knew he had another child. That is the part that would be hard for me to get over and forgive to be honest. He kept all that from you while you had his child. I think that he needs to grow up and accept he has another child, pay maintenance, either go to mediation so you can all draw up a plan for visits etc as the little girl is the only one who is going to suffer in all of this and you just cannot spring all that on her when she is older as she will be devastated to hear she has a dad who did not want to see her and a half brother. Everyone needs to think of the child now. I would be seriously thinking about your future with him as he does not sound like he is honorable at all and sounds very selfish. This can all be easily sorted but to just leave it is not right and I do admire you for talking to the woman and sorting the dna. He is unreasonable for not wanting to see her and the mother of the daughter unreasonable for thinking the children can see each other without him involved as the dad. Such a messy situation. Why do people not use protection if casually sleeping around as the children suffer. If I were you I would go stay at your family/friends for a few days to clear your head away from it all and maybe talk to someone on your own so you can get your own head sorted. You are trying to do the right thing but how can you respect him if he decides not to. I honestly think I could not be with him as he kept so much from you when you thought this was his first child.

Have you had STI tests? As he sounds shockingly unable / unwilling to use a condom.

@liveforsummer

I’m guessing MOST men would do if they didn’t want a child with someone

I actually don't imagine most men would. Only a certain type of man and this would be a problem for me, along with the fact he's willing to accept mom doesn't want him to have contact. He can blame her when actually there's plenty he could do about that.

I think most men would, if the women said she had slept with other men and even showed him pictures Of the so called 'other man' who was 'in fact' the father.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Have you had STI tests? As he sounds shockingly unable / unwilling to use a condom.

Yes

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
In what way is it emotional blackmail to say that the OP's willing and active involvement created an obligation for her to let her son k ow about his sibling.

The OP did not need to involve herself in this situation on any level but she chose to do so. But for her actions, paternity would not have been confirmed. She ceased to be an innocent and independent bystander when she chose to provide her son's DNA.

She chose to be a participant and know she does not like the feelings, responsibilities, and consequences that flow from willing involvement. She was not coherced into providing the DNA.[/quote]
She is an innocent bystander. She did not create the other child and she is not responsible for anything to do with them. At best you could say she should not partake in lying to her son that his half sister exists, which OP has agreed on, but she is not responsible for practically facilitating anything just because she agreed to the DNA test.

Personally I would expect my oh to both pay toward his other child and seek contact with them. If he wasn’t doing that then I couldn’t respect him or have a relationship with him. I wouldn’t force it though because a parent shouldn’t have to be forced into contact.

I would personally choose to be honest with your son from as early as possible in terms of making him aware he has a sister. There’s no reason he shouldn’t know, even if he has no contact in the end until he is older. Leaving it until he is older to tell him he has a sister would be a mistake in my opinion.

I know you say the relationship was casual, but the fact he hid the potential he could have a content child is worrying. It’s not the actions of a n honest partner.

@clomariejay

Of course when my boy is old enough I would tell him, he has a right to know he has a half sibling I wouldn’t deny him that or the little girl. But I just don’t think it falls on me to let them have a sibling relationship while they are this young

I think you should tell him now. Children take things much better if they grow up knowing something than when it is sprung on them at a later date.

Does your OH want access? I think that should be the starting point. Assuming he does, then that’s for him to work out (through courts if necessary) and allow his children to have a relationship that way. If he doesn’t, then that says a lot about him.

My son is 16 months now so he’s still a little young but I think when he’s around 5 I would mention it and then I would explain further when he was around 12/13 and then I guess we would go over and over it again a few times untill he’s 18 just so he is made aware