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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Secret child😌

113 replies

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 10:25

Where do I start 😂 any advice is welcome please…
I started dating my OH around 4/5 years ago he was more invested in the relationship than me at the time, I did tell him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and we kept it casual this was probably my first mistake.
His mum fell ill with cancer and that’s when I realised I wanted to be there for this man, so that’s what we did, I fell pregnant with our little boy and we moved in together and lived happily ever after… untill I got a message from another woman saying her daughter was my partners, our boy was 10 months old and the little girl was 18 months old so as you can imagine I’m confused here, turns out during the time I wasn’t ready for the relationship he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s, I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh or who knows I don’t know but it doesn’t sit well with me. There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing. We did a sibling dna because oh didn’t want to know because she had lied and said the little girl was someone else. So I guess my question here is what do I do now ? The other woman and her mother wanted my son and her daughter to have a sibling relationship but doesn’t want oh to have anything to do with her ? That wouldn’t work right ? Can I tell oh he must see this little girl ? We’re still together at the moment and I think about it every single day all the time and I ask myself should I still be with him? Should I try and force oh to have a relationship with the child but in all honesty I think what has hurt me the most is that my boy and the little girl are born in the same year 8 months apart it just doesn’t feel right! Anyway sorry for longest post but has anyone ever been in this position? Oh and the other woman is happy to just move on and speak to the little girl when she is 18 but how on earth do I just live with this…

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 10:45

I think you should focus on what's right for you rather than trying to force your OH into anything or feeling compelled to facilitate a sibling relationship. This is not your problem to fix. If you don't want to have to deal with any of it then that is perfectly within your right. Just focus on deciding whether this situation makes you not want to be with your partner anymore.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 11:32

I think I needed to hear that your right it isn’t my problem to fix! If they’re happy to move on I mean you’d think I would too but he is an amazing dad to our son but then I’m reminded of this little girl an it’s hard to swallow sometimes

OP posts:

Steelesauce · 20/03/2022 11:37

Does your OH not want anything to do with this child?

RagzRebooted · 20/03/2022 11:41

@clomariejay

I don't think I could be with a man who was happy to abandon and not financially support his own child. But my Dad was one of those (refused to have his name on my birth certificate so CMS wouldn't chase him) and MIL told me once that FIL has a secret child out there who has no idea who their father is. So it's pretty common, but I would not want to be with them if it were me.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 11:42

He didn’t at first I put that down to being angry about her lying and coming to me with it, but after a while he said he would like to if mum would let him, but mum was more focused on having on the two children having a relationship which would involve me, but for me it wouldn’t work because as they got older they wouldn’t understand why one sees their dad but the other doesn’t and I think that’s what mum was aiming for to be honest… dna came back and mum said she didn’t want him involved with her daughter and they both agreed she could come and speak to him when she’s old enough and I just said it didn’t feel right to let the baby’s know each other if dad cant and we haven’t spoken since…

OP posts:

Wrinklepicker · 20/03/2022 11:44

You can’t force OH to have a relationship with the other child but I’d struggle to respect a man who made that choice. Does he at least pay maintenance?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2022 11:45

Is she in a new relationship and bringing her daughter up pretending someone else is the dad?

You don’t have to encourage a sibling relationship and she’s mad to think you’ll do this while your partner has no contact with her child. What on Earth is that about?

Why doesn’t she want her DD seeing her dad?

Sofa is right, this isn’t on you to fix. Stop communicating with this woman as it’s stressing you out. Your own son is a baby and you’ve got plenty on your plate already!

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2022 11:48

I don't think I could be with a man who was happy to abandon and not financially support his own child

How has he abandoned her?

Her mum lied about who the dad was and even though they’ve had a DNA she doesn’t want him to have contact. She didn’t even go to him with the news he had another child, she went to OP.

Making this his fault is ridiculous. Only one adult has lied and been underhand, it’s not OP nor her partner.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 11:48

Iv half been thinking the same thing, it’s a difficult one because ultimately she lied and told him it was someone else’s but I mean if that was me I’d of chased it up just to make sure but most men would just leave it but now it just seems set in stone that she will come to him when she’s old enough but I know the feeling of having no father myself and I think this is why it plays on my mind so much! I have been close to leaving a few times now it’s difficult when you have a small child and now I’m also stumped would it even be right to have more children together 😒 cos for me it wouldn’t feel right at all

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 11:49

This is up to your partner. I'd think less of a man who didn't want anything to do with his child though and didn't step up. Mum didn't have the right to say if/how/when he's involved. If she tried this is what family court is for. You don't need to be involved at all at this stage and later any more than being present

TracyMosby · 20/03/2022 11:50

He isnt an amazing dad to your son, op. Your son will be raised by a dad who favoured one child and refused to acknowledge the other. That’s not an amazing dad. Your son will grow up with that and have that guilt. It will affect your son in a negative way.

he’d met this girl twice she ended up pregnant she didnt just ‘end up pregnant.’ He didnt want a child and clearly didnt use contraception to prevent a child.

and because oh didn’t want the child with her she decided she would tell everyone the baby was someone else’s so on finding out he had impregnated this woman he told her he didnt want to have anything to do with the child.

I find this selfish because had I have known I may not of chose to start a family with oh it is incredibly selfish and deceitful. He hid this from you so you didnt choose what you would have chosen, which you know would be to walk away.

You ‘fell pregnant’ very quickly too. Was this intentional? Who’s idea was this?

He sounds an awful person.

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 11:50

Her mum lied about who the dad was and even though they’ve had a DNA she doesn’t want him to have contact. She didn’t even go to him with the news he had another child, she went to OP.

He must have had an idea as op said there were arguments while she was pregnant. Anyway, he knows now....

Blendiful · 20/03/2022 11:52

I agree with the others, not your problem to fix. If she contacts you again I would simply say that it’s up to your OH to facilitate a sibling and father relationship. If she doesn’t want the dad to have anything to do with her DD it’s impossible to have a sibling relationship whilst you are still together. Seems like she’s just trying to cause trouble with that really.
OH can go through the courts for access to his DD and needs to do this if he wants to see her. It isn’t her mums choice to make because she doesn’t like it.

Steelesauce · 20/03/2022 11:57

Are you serious? She can come to him whe she's older?! Id be telling him to grow a pair and take this woman to court for access, Pay his child maintenance and grow the fuck up.

TracyMosby · 20/03/2022 11:57

Op, how much is he paying in maintenance? That’s a cost that is going to impact on you too.

TracyMosby · 20/03/2022 11:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

I don't think I could be with a man who was happy to abandon and not financially support his own child

How has he abandoned her?

Her mum lied about who the dad was and even though they’ve had a DNA she doesn’t want him to have contact. She didn’t even go to him with the news he had another child, she went to OP.

Making this his fault is ridiculous. Only one adult has lied and been underhand, it’s not OP nor her partner.

The op clearly states she told HIM he was the father, he didnt want anything to do with the child, so she lied to others.

How the actual fuck is that not him?!

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 12:09

I’m a reasonable person and I can understand both sides, he told her he didn’t want a child with her when she told him she was pregnant, she went on a head and told him she had actually slept with more than him and was sure it was someone else’s and sent him a photo of another man that was her dad… so I’m guessing he left it at that as I’m guessing MOST men would do if they didn’t want a child with someone but yeah I agree with the fact of course unprotected sex what did he think was going to happen

OP posts:

NeverChange · 20/03/2022 12:11

I would struggle to have a relationship with aman who wouldn't have anything to do with one of his young children regardless of the circumstances.

Who can be a good father to your child while neglecting her child at the same time?

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 20/03/2022 12:13

Are you dating Tristan thiomas? He duped you

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 12:14

These are all things I have thought about, my son feeling guilty is the reason i won’t allow the siblings to have a relationship without their dad involved with both of them too. I didn’t fall pregnant quickly we’d known each other years, was friends and dating for a while and eventually got together and had our son but yes I agree my choice was taken away which is something I have to just face the fact of as this situation isn’t going to go away for anyone us, but I think mum just thinks this is the end of it but if that’s the case why did she come to me in the first place if she wanted to raise her daughter alone…

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 20/03/2022 12:16

OP, you willingly because involved when you provided DNA from your son. You can not now walk it back to a its not my issue status. It became your issue when you took that step.
. no
You cannot fix the issues between your partner and the child,'s mother.. You were by your own admission. Not in a serious relationship or seemingly exclusive. relationship when this.child .was conceived. Your partner obviously felt that left him free to date others.

The circumstances surrounding the daughter's conception are now irrelevant and your partner and the ex are playing a cruel game. You need not foster a relationship between the children, but as you took it upon yourself to provide your son's DNA, you owe it to your soon to let him know that he has a sibling. This disclosure should happen as soon as he is old enough to understand.

Your partner and his ex are both immature and thoughtless. Both his daughter and son deserve better. The 2 adults have never failed to put their own interest first with little regard for the best interest of the children that they parented.

In this situation, I would have very little respect for either of them. They are both very " its all about me and what I want." Neither of them is looking at this from a vantage point of "what do I owe to my child/children " vantage point.

The man will be deceiving your son if he fails to let him know that he has a sibling and your willing and active role will.make you a party to that deception. Your son should be able to rely on you for the truth as you took an active role in establishing the truth.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 12:19

The children deserve to know who their siblings are.

I wouldn't be with a man who refused to have a relationship with his own child.

I'd assume that if you split up he'd refuse to see your child too. I wouldn't depend on him.

Original poster

clomariejay · 20/03/2022 12:25

Of course when my boy is old enough I would tell him, he has a right to know he has a half sibling I wouldn’t deny him that or the little girl. But I just don’t think it falls on me to let them have a sibling relationship while they are this young

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 20/03/2022 12:29

I’m guessing MOST men would do if they didn’t want a child with someone

I actually don't imagine most men would. Only a certain type of man and this would be a problem for me, along with the fact he's willing to accept mom doesn't want him to have contact. He can blame her when actually there's plenty he could do about that.

BananaBlue · 20/03/2022 12:30

There had been a lot of arguments between oh and this woman, whilst I was pregnant with our little boy and when he was born and I didn’t know a thing.

When did you find out about this child? Did DP tell you?

Because the above reads to me like a bigger relationship issue regardless of the child/ren.

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