Don't like SD

[Rainbowchoc]

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

Look at it with her eyes. Her daddy has moved in with a whole new family, who get to spend all week with him.
When she comes to stay, she's expected , at 7, to cope with being outnumbered 3:1 by the new family who are all older than her.
It's hardly surprising she acts up, to get some attention and to try to assert herself. That's a lot for a 7yo to cope with, no matter how lovely you and your daughters are.

I think all you can do is be calm and scrupulously fair with turns. Keep a table on the fridge that keeps track of turns. And make sure she gets some alone time with her dad every visit.
It isn't easy for anyone.

Blended families rarely work

You don’t sound very nice. You are blaming a 7 year old child for her behaviour. I feel sorry for her.

This makes me sad.
My DD is 7 and this would be so hard for her to cope with.

@Rainbowchoc have you considered how you would feel if this situation applied to your DD? If their step mother was saying they didn’t like them? Easy to think ‘mine aren’t like that so wouldn’t deserve to be treated like that’

He needs to move out and prioritise his daughter. Silly man.

End it and live alone with your children. Your current situation is absolutely miserable for everyone. I would not want my kids living with this atmosphere.

You say your DP is good at disciplining her, but from your description he is completely ineffective.

Is the family support worker helping with parenting skills? Supporting her with behaviour/emotions?

This doesn't sound like a blended family that is going to work, to me.

You're already using the language of golden/scapegoat thinking about your children versus this girl. She clearly does have some behavioural problems - this is not remotely surprising given the disruptions she has experienced in her short life. You and your children have come into her life, and her father now lives with another little girl full-time who isn't much older than her. You are now her father's life partner, and it's a given that you love your children more than her (of course you do, that's natural) which puts her on the back foot even more. She's an outsider, she feels insecure - and she's 7, so that comes out in poor behaviour, attention-seeking and challenging. Taking things that belong to your DD is a classic sign that she feels threatened and replaced.

I think you should split up, I'm afraid. This child is - or should be - the priority for her father, in a way that she absolutely can't be as long as he lives with someone who dislikes her. It's not your fault, you can't help how you feel - but it WILL be your fault if you persist in subjecting her to a life that is damaging her further.

Maybe he needs to move out and focus on his daughter and revisit the idea of living together at a later date.
It sounds like she needs to be his priority right now.

"I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs".

Well. Have you considered that she might not like being there? If you still consider it 'your' home and not the family home then there's a problem.

Is SD getting quality one-on-one time with her dad?

It's likely she feels left behind now daddy has a 'new family' that she clearly doesn't feel part of.

Do you have any knowledge of how her mum talks / thinks about your partner having moved in with you?

Sorry but I think it's a bit much to say you don't like a 7yo and you don't want her in your house. You don't like her behaviour which is obviously symptomatic of some unhappiness and you are worried this behaviour will rub off onto your DDs. Are they 100% supportive of SD's inclusion?

When you get together with a partner who has a child, and when that partner and you move in together, the family unit has changed. You are a blended family. It's a bit late to not want to accept SD. She is part of the package.

It's unrealistic to blend families and just expect everyone to get on, l just don't get how naive people are, l think step children must feel very trapped, they have no say in the matter, l would have hated being forced to live with another adult ( who resented me being there) and their kids and would never inflict it on mine, so much easier keeping things seperate.

Looking at it from the childs point of view your kids have him to themselves every day and she sees him a pathetic two weekends a month. And at those times she has to share him with your dc in an unfamiliar environment.

You don't necessarily have to split up. But you do have to change your attitude towards this child..... Your partner spending time with his own dd away from you and your children needs to be his priority. And unless there's a damn good reason not to contact needs to be increased. Because two weekends a month is just woeful.

I know how you feel. I have two step sons that come round and everything is always what they want, what they want for dinner; what they want to do at the weekend, what they want to watch on tele every weekend. They take over the bedrooms of my children. I let them do this but things will be changing as I'm sick and tired of it!

Just to clarify a few misunderstandings. My DP does see his DD during the week but she doesn't come to our house because of the distance and time between houses.

My DDs don't live with us full time and DP and SDs mum split up when SD was 1.

Thanks for all the comments there is a lot to take take on board.

Ask him to move out. No child should ever have to live with an adult who doesn't like them.

If you’re the kind of person who can’t cope with other peoples children when they are not perfectly behaved then you shouldn’t date people who have kids already. The children were there first, they didn’t ask to be born. And then you come along and expect to take priority? How is that fair?

And this is for anyone - not just the OP.

Maybe she doesn't like being there. Maybe she doesn't like to leave her home EOW to have to stay somewhere which is definitely not her home, where she is not liked and where she has to play happy families with two other children.

Realistically, OP, the only way you're not going to have to host this child is if your DP moves out.

I can see that it must be tough having to put up with someone else's difficult child, who you don't like, every second weekend, but did you not know about her when you and your partner made the decision to move in together? Why did you agree when it meant hosting this child EOW?

Doesn't sound like it's going to work tbh.

Your dd's will get fed up ime. My exh had a dd in-between my dd's age wise. Absolute hell. She ruled the roost in her eyes. Irl she certainly didn't but it was draining. Time to move them out. No reason you can't still be in a relationship with dp if you so wish. Living together isn't compulsory..

@Petsop

Blended families rarely work

Sadly you are right. I'm sure some do, but pretty much every example I have come across have big problems with exhausted parents trying to keep the peace and resentful kids being pulled in 4 different directions.

Sounds like she doesn't like being there any more than you like her being there. Agree with pp, your DP needs to move out and focus on his daughter.

Yet another step-child bashing thread on here today.
Poor kid having to fit in with your perfect daughters and made to feel like an inconvenience in her father's house (and yes, she will feel it).

Stem mum in the wrong again 🤦🏻‍♀️ No people split up and life moves on! By letting “step” kids make decisions for adults is beyond me. This is why step children act “feral” and MN say it’s not her fault. No it’s life and step kids need to get used to it it’s a quality of life adapting and being respectful to everyone. Step mums and step siblings always take the blunt of it. Stay strong OP hopefully her parents nip it in the bud asap. So it doesn’t cause a disruption in your dds home as it is there home.

@Whatthefuck3456

Stem mum in the wrong again 🤦🏻‍♀️ No people split up and life moves on! By letting “step” kids make decisions for adults is beyond me. This is why step children act “feral” and MN say it’s not her fault. No it’s life and step kids need to get used to it it’s a quality of life adapting and being respectful to everyone. Step mums and step siblings always take the blunt of it. Stay strong OP hopefully her parents nip it in the bud asap. So it doesn’t cause a disruption in your dds home as it is there home.

Completely agree. Why do people think step children have to completely take over and become more important than anyone else in the household? Everyone and all children should be equal. Most people on here won't be a step parent and there children most likely have step mums that's why they are being bashed.