Don't like SD

[Rainbowchoc]

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

Op, I am where you are and have dc’s from a previous relationship. My DH has his son when mine are with their dad and I do my own thing the whole time he’s here - It’s made their relationship better as he gets one on one with his dad and I don’t have to deal with the impact of his behaviour on me or my dc’s. We carve out time in evenings/school holidays to spend time together as a couple and it largely works well for everyone. There’s much less stress in our house now!

I don’t think it’s normalising it but accepting it

No it's normalising it. Just like other feelings humans feel, hatred, envy etc, disliking a 7 year old who has done nothing wrong is not something to be normalised, it's something one should try to overcome, and admit it to be wrong.

@Rainbowchoc

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

1. 7, 8 and 10 yo do not need to take turns baking. Give them their own bowls, let them do their own thing, and then bake it for them.
2. If your daughters don’t mind her taking over the TV then it’s clearly something they want to watch too. Stop interfering and leave them to it.
3. Who is she lying to? Why? If you’re accusing her publically of things then she will lie. As anyone would. A 7 yo needs to be disciplined privately.

@Itsnotover

People will get hung up on the stepchild/stepmother thing but I think it's quite normal to not like other people's children.

So if this is you, you don’t have a relationship with someone if they already have children. People these days are selfish. That’s the problem.

Why not? My father remarried when I was a kid. She was just dad's wife then later my half-brothers' mum. I wasn't (like) a daughter to her. She wasn't (like) a mother to me. I wasn't traumatised by this. I didn't need that. I had a mother and father. There is no need to force parent-child relationships between people. The OP's SD is there to see her dad.

No but it’s also not healthy to subject a 7 year old child to weekends with an adult who dislikes them.

@Mojobojolono

I don’t think it’s normalising it but accepting it

No it's normalising it. Just like other feelings humans feel, hatred, envy etc, disliking a 7 year old who has done nothing wrong is not something to be normalised, it's something one should try to overcome, and admit it to be wrong.

The 7 year old hasn't done nothing wrong, though. She is acting in a way that isn't likeable, she is behaving poorly. As a result, she is disliked. That IS totally normal, and it isn't wrong.

Acting on it in a way that hurts the child would be wrong.

Where did the OP say she lets the child know she's disliked?

So your partner and you moved in together after only a year, is that correct? Personally I think that is much too soon when there are kids involved. Did you get to know his child and she you and your children properly before you shacking up together? I feel sorry for your kids too, for not getting a say in this and having to put up with it all.

@aSofaNearYou children are fully aware when people don’t like them. For heavens sake 🙄

[quote Itsnotover]@aSofaNearYou children are fully aware when people don’t like them. For heavens sake 🙄[/quote]
So people constantly say on here. But honestly loads of children aren't.

But also that's not the point. The point is disliking them IS normal, even if you subscribe to the logic that you must then immediately leave.

Well if you dislike a child then you shouldn’t live with them. You have a choice but they don’t.

@Itsnotover

Well if you dislike a child then you shouldn’t live with them. You have a choice but they don’t.

There's certainly an argument to be had there, I'm not disputing that.

But cohabiting with someone EOW isn't really the same as "living with them", in reality, and it's also primarily her dad's responsibility to decide whether he thinks this is appropriate or something that will have a negative affect on her. He's obviously decided that it won't.

@Itsnotover

Well if you dislike a child then you shouldn’t live with them. You have a choice but they don’t.

Not true. You should try to like the child. There are books on step parenting. Counselling can be an option. Having insight into not liking them it’s a great start. Much worse to be unaware of not liking them and being horrible to the child.

But honestly loads of children aren't.

They really are. Even if they can't verbalise or rationalise it. Sadly that awareness often manifests in their behaviour, which makes it a vicious circle.

She sounds like a child who is jealous and is insecure in her Dads new family. Give her a break and quietly acknowledge this. Make her feel included as much as you can and have a heart to heart with her. Her dad should talk to her too about her feelings.
Do you live together?

Sorry that's ridiculous. The 7 year old did nothing wrong. Being sarcastic etc is not a reason to dislike a little girl. How can you not see that. What a stupid argument. How can you even argue logically that disliking a little child is ok to be normalised... Twisted mindset that is. I'm off.

Ok so the usual crew are here with shaming comments. Although at least half have suggested at some advice (leave seems to be the top option - sigh )

Some more advice for you OP

• counselling for yourself but also as a family. How are you feeling mentally ? Remember low mood can warp how you see things. Are you truly seeing this with clear eyes, are there stress pressure points that you feel like you can't change. I'm not talking about DSD but issues that you feel aren't moving or changing or can't be changed because of x. Write them down.

Look at them with new eyes, put down the reasons they can't change and who is involved in why they can't change. It may surprise you who's actually making the situation unworkable.

• can you find a quality you do like in SD. You will have to spend time one on one with her to do this. I do work with some people who can be described as throughly unpleasant. However I go out of my way to try and find one redeeming quality then I hold on to it during difficult times. It helps a lot.

• reduce the time you spend at home with SD on her weekends. Before all you jump on me for suggesting this but contact weekend is for parent to child to have meaningful contact (this makes Stepparent moot point) and I suspect op is doing lot of the childcare parenting stuff activities with all three, when DSD is kicking off it ruins it for the other two when really her DP should be spending one on one time with her and OP should have the space to spend time with her two. Do the activities with your kids and speak to DP so that he knows when your doing x, he has daddy time with his daughter doing Y.

This might help with the bossiness as DSD may feel jealous.

• look up nacho parenting (doesn't work for all but in your case it maybe helpful)

• you can be with someone and not live with them. If the situation is untenable- and it maybe then might be your only solution.

Also remember @Rainbowchoc the audience at which you have posted this post. This board is haunted by people who aren't step parent and actively dislike blended families because it changes the power dynamic and not one to their favour.
People will automatically think of their child in your DSD shoes but rarely see the devil that's in the detail past the "shame the witch mentality". I come from a blended family, I am a first wife and I'm also a step mum. Blended families can and do work but by far a lot of hard work. There are easier options

You can ultimately leave if the above doesn't work but it's far from your only option. Make sure though that your frustration with DSD isn't actually frustration at your DP and his parenting skills or sometimes lack of, because then your focusing on the wrong target.

I will say that if there are parenting issues with DP and the mum in question esp if they don't have a good relationship, your going to have a up are slog to get any improvement. remember that DSD has two parents and if neither are sorting out a issue being faced with DSD, the failing is with both of them and not a reflection on you. It also is the much bigger issue in the room than behavioural issues with DSD.

I guess from her point of view she probably fees a bit threatened and outnumbered and she is trying to assert herself but she is only 7 so does it by acting up. She’s on your ‘turf’. It won’t feel like home to her and she probably feels second place to your own daughters because they are slightly older and it is their ‘home’. She might be wrong to feel that way but however she feels it is real to her, and 7 year olds aren’t able to think like adults.

I wonder whether you would see a change in her if she felt more reassured about being wanted and accepted and therefore felt less threatened. Maybe just simple things like when she arrives saying: I’m so glad you’re here, we’ve all been looking forward to seeing you this weekend, we’ve saved up some fun stuff so we can all enjoy it together. You don’t have to mean it, you probably won’t mean it to start off with, but it might alleviate her insecurities and that might change her behaviour. Positivity always works better than negativity.

@Mojobojolono

Sorry that's ridiculous. The 7 year old did nothing wrong. Being sarcastic etc is not a reason to dislike a little girl. How can you not see that. What a stupid argument. How can you even argue logically that disliking a little child is ok to be normalised... Twisted mindset that is. I'm off.

That was one example amongst many that you are wilfully ignoring. OP also said she is highly argumentative and strops whenever she doesn't get her own way. That is more than just being sarcastic. It is unlikeable behaviour that, were it not a SC in question, people would not have such trouble acknowledging.

And I can argue it because I'm not as ridiculously precious as a lot of posters on here. Taking it out on the child is not ok to be normalised.

This is so sad. A vulnerable little 7 year old child being excluded by her new family in a house that she has no ties to. Are you surprised she's behaving like this? Wouldn't you?!

@ldontWanna

But honestly loads of children aren't.

They really are. Even if they can't verbalise or rationalise it. Sadly that awareness often manifests in their behaviour, which makes it a vicious circle.

It's often stated as fact on here but it is absolutely impossible to say that there aren't children out there that are unaware when adults don't like them. It is simply not possible.

OP, it sounds as though neither you nor the daughter are finding this to be a comfortable and friction free living arrangement.

It would probably be better for all involved if you and your partner were to live apart. You can still see each other while living apart.Not every romantic relationship leads to a good blending situation, but that need not signal the end of the relationship.

You and your children should not have to be uncomfortable in your home and a 7 year old child should not have to look forward to spending every other weekend in an environment where she is not wanted.

All of you deserve better and there is nothing that makes your living together necessary. Surely, he provided a home for himself and his daughter before he moved in with you.

If you truly care about him, you won't love him less because he lives in his own home. He could spend time with you when he does not have his daughter.

Some children possibly aren't aware, or affected by what is going on around them. Personally I'd rather err on the "let's be aware of how they could feel" rather than the "some children really don't care so let's crack on!" side.

Sadly there's often no going back when the damage is done.

I'd be investigating whether this behaviour is typical of the child in her mother's home and at school. It is premature to say that she is only acting up because she is spending time in your home. Perhaps Mum is not very well/working all hours/wrapped up in her own life/doesn't have boundaries - or perhaps this is a child that all adults feel challenged by.

Sometimes it is worth paying for specialist advice.

A bit out of left field here, but the pencils incident... Sounds like seeking aural stimulation. Think of it as being lost in an unexpected world of enchantment with a sound. I would borrow a wooden xylophone/glockenspiel and see what she does with it - percussive instruments can be a fabulous tool for releasing anger appropriately.