Don't like SD

[Rainbowchoc]

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

yikes, I have never been a step child, but if I was, I'd want you all on my side.

OP, I think you need to sit down with your other half and have a conversation that centres around the needs of all the children involved and how they can best be met. You're in a tough situation so I hope you can figure out some ways to change this dynamic that will be beneficial for you all. But when you get a feeling of dread like that m, something has to change!
Best of luck to you

Is the house yours OP? Just picking up on you saying you don’t want her in your house. If the house belongs to you both, I assume your DH also has a say in whether he wants his dc in the house or not. Blended families are difficult. I’m the product of one, and hated my step mother. She was awful. I guess she wasn’t a fan of me either. Everyone has to work doubly hard to get on in a blended family, and it often fails.

The op said her dp moved into her house...

@aSofaNearYou I read your posts as saying that there’s no meaningful difference between disliking a child and disliking their behaviour- that these are simply two ways by of saying the same thing in a case where the behaviour is constant. I completely disagree with you and think that conflating the two misrepresents what OP actually wrote. But we’re not getting anywhere so I shall leave this.

I do think OP’s position is shocking, particularly her lack of empathy for the child and spiteful tone. As I’ve said, I think her partner should move out. It is not fair to put his daughter in a position where she has no choice but to spend time with an adult who dislikes her and resents her presence.

@MintJulia

Look at it with her eyes. Her daddy has moved in with a whole new family, who get to spend all week with him. When she comes to stay, she's expected , at 7, to cope with being outnumbered 3:1 by the new family who are all older than her. It's hardly surprising she acts up, to get some attention and to try to assert herself. That's a lot for a 7yo to cope with, no matter how lovely you and your daughters are.

I think all you can do is be calm and scrupulously fair with turns. Keep a table on the fridge that keeps track of turns. And make sure she gets some alone time with her dad every visit.
It isn't easy for anyone.

This. All day long.

But the fact that you title your thread with don’t like SD means the relationship is doomed. You might as well split up. It’s not fair on any of the kids.

I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

It’s not just your home, though. It’s your dp’s home too, and by default, also your sd’s home. If you’re going to stay with your dp, you will need to come to terms with the fact that wherever he is, is also his daughter’s home. She can’t be treated like an unwelcome guest. If anything happened to her mum, e.g. illness, there’s the potential that she might be living with you full time. It would be better if you could all work together to find a solution. Family counselling?

[quote BennyTheWonderDog]@aSofaNearYou I read your posts as saying that there’s no meaningful difference between disliking a child and disliking their behaviour- that these are simply two ways by of saying the same thing in a case where the behaviour is constant. I completely disagree with you and think that conflating the two misrepresents what OP actually wrote. But we’re not getting anywhere so I shall leave this.

I do think OP’s position is shocking, particularly her lack of empathy for the child and spiteful tone. As I’ve said, I think her partner should move out. It is not fair to put his daughter in a position where she has no choice but to spend time with an adult who dislikes her and resents her presence.[/quote]
Outside of the specific circumstances of someone we love unconditionally, or someone we have previously known behave better beginning to behave badly, I don't see that there is really any meaningful difference between disliking someone and disliking their behaviour. Not when their behaviour is consistent and the only thing you have ever known from them. I certainly think expecting people to like them in spite of that is fairly ridiculous. People like or dislike others they meet based on their behaviour.

I don't read spite into OPs tone, tbh. She obviously doesn't relish the situation, that's why she's posting. I don't disagree that separating may be the best cause of action for all involved, but I don't think OP dislikes her due to spite. She dislikes her as a direct response to her being consistently unpleasant to be around, as most would and will throughout her life.

@aSofaNearYou The parts I found spiteful were her comments about “my home” (when as PP have pointed out, it’s also her home) and not wanting her to be around her own daughters. I don’t think this is a normal reaction to a young child’s misbehaviour.

To be fair, I also think your wording is pretty spiteful - “as most would and will throughout her life”, heavens - so we are unlikely to see eye to eye on this.

Is it the SD home? Or her fathers?
If he moved into OPs home then wouldn't it be hers?

OP I would sit DP down and lay it all out. This isn't working and your daughters should not be subjected to this and you. It sounds miserable.
Him and the mother can iron out her behavioural problems but honestly I wouldn't like a child who intentionally went out of their way to act out.

Outside of the specific circumstances of someone we love unconditionally, or someone we have previously known behave better beginning to behave badly, I don't see that there is really any meaningful difference between disliking someone and disliking their behaviour. Not when their behaviour is consistent and the only thing you have ever known from them. I certainly think expecting people to like them in spite of that is fairly ridiculous. People like or dislike others they meet based on their behaviour.

The difference is that if you actively dislike the child , there's no chance of forming a bond/relationship ,building trust and eventually improving the behaviour.
I work with kids. I see and am on the end of behaviours I really dislike. I do like the kids though and things to get better even if sometimes it's painfully slow and very hard work. I've also seen relationships between children and staff severely deteriorate and escalate and it always because they dislike the child.

Ime dc can behave in ways they are allowed to. When I had dsd alone or with my dd's she was a pleasant dc. Around her df she was completely different. Her dm said at home she had nightmares and never settled. She slept fine and all night with us. As she knew we expected that. She copied-accepted the rules as they did - my dd's in some ways but back to frankly bloody awful around her dps..

@ldontWanna

Outside of the specific circumstances of someone we love unconditionally, or someone we have previously known behave better beginning to behave badly, I don't see that there is really any meaningful difference between disliking someone and disliking their behaviour. Not when their behaviour is consistent and the only thing you have ever known from them. I certainly think expecting people to like them in spite of that is fairly ridiculous. People like or dislike others they meet based on their behaviour.

The difference is that if you actively dislike the child , there's no chance of forming a bond/relationship ,building trust and eventually improving the behaviour.
I work with kids. I see and am on the end of behaviours I really dislike. I do like the kids though and things to get better even if sometimes it's painfully slow and very hard work. I've also seen relationships between children and staff severely deteriorate and escalate and it always because they dislike the child.

I second this - as a foundation stage and KS1 teacher, I have experienced a great deal of behaviour I disliked. It takes effort, dedication and a positive mindset to prevent that from translating into dislike of the child, who is generally behaving in that way because there is something happening for them that causes distress or needs to be resolved.

I have, occasionally, come across a child with whom I seem to have instantly poor chemistry, and I have struggled to warm to that child. I have a personal protocol that I follow when that happens - I purposely spend more time with that child, nurture their strengths, build their confidence, and keep working at it until I find something in them to like. Then I build on that. Some of those children are those I remember with the most fondness.

I think a successful blended family requires a very high level of emotional intelligence, patience and commitment from the adults who choose to create that family. If you dislike a 7yo child to the point where you don't want them in your home and around your children - or if you are the sort of person who pronounces that a 7yo child is likely to be disliked by most people for the rest of her life - then you lack those necessary qualities, and the blended family experiment is likely to be unpleasant for all involved, and especially the child.

People will get hung up on the stepchild/stepmother thing but I think it's quite normal to not like other people's children. Especially if they are being raised differently to how you raise your own. My friend's eldest daughter is a cheeky, bossy madam and it drives me crazy that her mum (my friend) allows it. But obviously there's nothing I can do about it because not my child. My friend and her daughter will never know my feelings.

There's not much you can do, OP, other than end the relationship. If you don't then you just have to make sure DP and SD never know how you really feel.

How does she behave when she's just with her father? Is that just the way she is or is it something about the dynamic of the weekend when she's with you all?

It's difficult. You probably need to spend more time trying to find out what's behind it and how to improve things. Sometimes, simply 'disciplining' isn't the answer. Maybe she just needs time (years) to change, adapt, settle...

You and your DP are the adults and need to find a way to make this a better time for her.

@IDontWanna Only if you subscribe to that very specific interpretation of what it means to dislike someone. You can stop disliking someone, I have disliked many people in my lifetime and come to like some of them after seeing a different side of them.

I respect that actively choosing to seperate children from their behaviour so that you can like them in spite of it is admirable and perhaps necessary if teaching is your profession. But I don't think it is how most people think and don't find it remotely surprising that the average person would dislike children whose behaviour is not likeable.

@thebellsesmereldathebells Again, as above, admirable and useful for someone that works in teaching. Though you have essentially said you DO find children you don't like, but have simply found effective coping strategies through experience and necessity. It isn't something everyone is equipped with. I don't disagree that a huge amount of emotional intelligence can be necessary to make a blended family work, especially if there are children with challenging behaviour involved. I just don't condemn people who find they fall short of that, assuming they don't behave terribly as a result. I think most people would find it emotionally taxing and feel a sense of dislike. Step parents are not trained in child care or development, they are ordinary people entering romantic relationships. Hence why it is so challenging and often doesn't work out.

As to proclaiming a 7 year old would be disliked all her life - what I meant was that people will like or dislike her based on her behaviour all her life. Not that they would necessarily dislike her or that her behaviour wouldn't go on to change.

Posts like this honestly make me feel so sad for the children. 3 kids under the age of 10 expected to just get along with one another because their parents chose to enter new relationships and just force the kids into a mix they didn't ask for. It's not fair on any of them.

Sorry OP but your DP needs to move out and focus on his relationship with his vulnerable daughter so she doesn't feel the need to display this kind of behaviour.

But by normalising the dislike in a way you're encouraging it. You shouldn't. The sd is 7 the sm is an adult and should be encouraged to form a bond with the sd rather than a pat in the back with oh dont worry everyone feels like this. Not only everyone doesn't, but also not working on the relationship she will either tarnish her relationship with the dad or end up pressuring the dad and making the child unhappy. Neither are good outcomes.

I'm not living in your house so I could be wrong but your description sounds like sibling rivalry rather than something that needs diagnosing. I think it's made worse by their being 2 of yours and 1 of her.

It sounds like your kids are very chilled but a lot of parents would struggle to have 3 kids do an activity like baking all together. The kids could have be up being annoyed when they think that their sibling stirred for longer or were assigned a better task etc

I completely agree with the person who said that your choices are limited as the stepparent because the discipline and reassurance needs to come from the parent. I'm sceptical that your partner is effective at dealing with her behaviour when things are the same. They say that behaviour is communication and this is why my mind goes to sibling rivalry. I know your kids aren't full siblings but they are still competition for attention.

I wouldn't want my dd to be constantly giving in to her. Is this their personality or are they seeing you deal with her and copying ? I would ask him to move out tbh-

People will get hung up on the stepchild/stepmother thing but I think it's quite normal to not like other people's children.

So if this is you, you don’t have a relationship with someone if they already have children. People these days are selfish. That’s the problem.

@Mojobojolono

But by normalising the dislike in a way you're encouraging it. You shouldn't. The sd is 7 the sm is an adult and should be encouraged to form a bond with the sd rather than a pat in the back with oh dont worry everyone feels like this. Not only everyone doesn't, but also not working on the relationship she will either tarnish her relationship with the dad or end up pressuring the dad and making the child unhappy. Neither are good outcomes.

exactly

@Mojobojolono

But by normalising the dislike in a way you're encouraging it. You shouldn't. The sd is 7 the sm is an adult and should be encouraged to form a bond with the sd rather than a pat in the back with oh dont worry everyone feels like this. Not only everyone doesn't, but also not working on the relationship she will either tarnish her relationship with the dad or end up pressuring the dad and making the child unhappy. Neither are good outcomes.

I don’t think it’s normalising it but accepting it. It’s a taboo to say you don’t like your stepchild but if it’s true, it’s true! You shouldn’t have to lie. It doesn’t make you a horrible person just an honest one. That doesn’t mean to say you should just accept that and not try to sort the situation out. You should, so you DO learn to like her.

@Itsnotover

People will get hung up on the stepchild/stepmother thing but I think it's quite normal to not like other people's children.

So if this is you, you don’t have a relationship with someone if they already have children. People these days are selfish. That’s the problem.

It's interesting. There was a very long thread a few months ago, about 2 single mums with kids all going on holiday for a few days. They parented in very different ways, and one child refused to accept being a child like the others. She would not go to bed and insisted on staying up with the adults and making her mum do her child activities, instead of the adult conversation the mums had agreed with each other.

There was plenty of judgement on the thread about what a little madam she was - bossiness, arrogance, grabbiness etc as well. Nobody seemed to like that child.

The holiday lasted a couple of days and then it broke up early with lots of bad feelings. What I took from that is that you can't even have a holiday with someone with a different parenting style, let alone raise a family with them!

@R0tational

He needs to move out and prioritise his daughter. Silly man.

He does need to move out and then @Rainbowchoc can live a better life on her terms and her dp can parent his child

@ohsotired2022

This makes me sad. My DD is 7 and this would be so hard for her to cope with.

I’d be horrified if my 7yo behaved like this anywhere

This little girl is absolutely crying out for attention! The RIGHT kind of attention. What is your DP doing when you are baking etc with kids? She really really needs to have uninterrupted time with her Dad away from you and your DC. She is exhibiting typical signs of insecure attachment and doesn't know where she fits. It would be great if you did get on but tbh it does sound like you are giving off a vibe to her that you're not too fussed. Kids pick up on everything, especially when they are insecure, which she sounds to be. Your partner needs to reassure her by spending 1:1 time with her. If you want it to work you will also start to build up nice 1:1 experiences doing things SHE Chooses. Blended can work but you need to be honest and ask yourself if you do resent her and would just rather have him. That's OK to feel that way but you'd be kinder to break up now. If not then try to move past it, give her her Dad back for parts of the weekend.