Don't like SD

[Rainbowchoc]

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

Completely agree. Why do people think step children have to completely take over and become more important than anyone else in the household? Everyone and all children should be equal. Most people on here won't be a step parent and there children most likely have step mums that's why they are being bashed.

Because the child was here first, you were not. You had a choice to get into this relationship. The child had no say in any of this. If you don’t like it date someone who doesn’t have kids.

She clearly has behaviour issues that are not being addressed your DP needs to address them firmly like you would if it were your child

I don't think anyone in a household is anymore important than anyone else. Treating any child like they are more important than others is incredibly poor parenting and will make their life a lot harder in the long run when they have to survive in the real world.

This is often the problem with stepparent threads on MN, I think - illustrated by the latest two posts. It isn't about stepmums always being in the wrong, or stepchildren "ruling the roost". It's that the stepparent posts centring their own feeling, their own perspectives, their own (and their children's) welfare and priorities.

Most posters on MN naturally will centre the child who seems to be having the difficulties - in this case the 7yo who is displaying completely reasonable and predictable attention-seeking behaviours in response to an unsatisfactory living situation. That's where all the "why does SDC have to be the most important person in the house" comes from - they aren't, nor has anyone said they should be. They are AS important, and as the person who is clearly being failed and shortchanged in this scenario, posters are centring them - not the stepparent who has agency and has made choices.

@Rainbowchoc i am so sorry you are going through this. And im sorry you've asked for help and mostly been met with criticism.
I read your thread because i feel in a similar place and am in complete despair about how to make things right.
Ive got no advice, just massive sympathy and support for the awful feelings you are going through xxx

I think your DP needs to move out. The current set up is not fair on his daughter. I'm struck in particular by you saying she's older than her years- it feels as if you're trying to make her more responsible for the situation than she really is.

I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

I found this comment pretty shocking in all sorts of ways.

@Itsnotover

Completely agree. Why do people think step children have to completely take over and become more important than anyone else in the household? Everyone and all children should be equal. Most people on here won't be a step parent and there children most likely have step mums that's why they are being bashed.

Because the child was here first, you were not. You had a choice to get into this relationship. The child had no say in any of this. If you don’t like it date someone who doesn’t have kids.

Haha that's not how life works. So your telling me the older child in any family dynamic should always come first because they were there first? How silly! If you treat a child as if they are better and more important than another then they will grow up with shitty expectations in life!

It's not about who needs to come first, who is wright or wrong. It's about recognising that it's not working, for anybody and acting on it.

Nobody needs to force their way through another 10 years of this. Sometimes two families aren't compatible, nobody needs to be blamed and nobody blended to live in a negative household.

@ilovemyboys3

I think it’s fairly obvious what I mean. And that is that existing children that any parent has should come before new partners and their kids also in tow. Any single parent should prioritise their child over their own needs for a partner and if they choose not to do that they are not a good parent.

Some very predictably defensive responses here. Being unable to cope with someone saying they dislike a child because they didn't instead say they dislike "their behaviour" is just silly semantics. Let's be honest, if a person has always had consistent behaviour around you and you don't like that behaviour, then you don't like them.

It's nothing shocking, and it's to be expected given how she acts. There's nothing really to be done though. If you feel your partner is doing all that he could be doing to tackle it, then all you can do is decide whether you can wait it out, or whether it's too much and you need to split or live separately.

For an adult to say that they dislike a 7 year old child, whose father they chose to shack up with actually is quite shocking.

[quote Itsnotover]@ilovemyboys3

I think it’s fairly obvious what I mean. And that is that existing children that any parent has should come before new partners and their kids also in tow. Any single parent should prioritise their child over their own needs for a partner and if they choose not to do that they are not a good parent.[/quote]
Disagree. Why should they? What about when you've had children together so they are equally the partners child like step child? Should they still be treated differently? Why should they rule the roost in a house? Why should everything be about them because they are round? Life doesn't freeze because step kids turn up. Jobs still need doing, house needs cleaning, cars need washing, shopping needs to be done? So the dad can't do anything because the kids are round? Stupid theory!

@thebellsesmereldathebells

This is often the problem with stepparent threads on MN, I think - illustrated by the latest two posts. It isn't about stepmums always being in the wrong, or stepchildren "ruling the roost". It's that the stepparent posts centring their own feeling, their own perspectives, their own (and their children's) welfare and priorities.

Most posters on MN naturally will centre the child who seems to be having the difficulties - in this case the 7yo who is displaying completely reasonable and predictable attention-seeking behaviours in response to an unsatisfactory living situation. That's where all the "why does SDC have to be the most important person in the house" comes from - they aren't, nor has anyone said they should be. They are AS important, and as the person who is clearly being failed and shortchanged in this scenario, posters are centring them - not the stepparent who has agency and has made choices.

@thebellsesmereldathebells the step parent doesn't really have that much agency and choice. Their only choice is to leave the relationship but they can't fix the situation unless the parents are on board.

If a child is traumatised by their parents splitting up then there is nothing a step parent can do. If this is the case then the blame lies firmly with both parents for not providing the child with adequate support to get through it.

If the ex is putting the child in a loyalty bind there is nothing a step parent can do.

If a parent will not call out their child's behaviour there is nothing a step parent can do.

Step parents actually have very no control over the dynamics caused by the split. Only the parents do.

Your SD sounds like a smart, dominant leader type girl. Doesn't sound at all like she should be "diagnosed". It is a temperament. Please don't label little children because you don't like them. You probably don't like her because of your own insecurities. Everything is relative. Also, if you aren't happy with the SD, you should end your relationship. She is 7 and will continue to be in your partner's life for a long time. Rather than damaging your family and his, much better to find someone else.

@KylieKoKo if the stepparent has reached the point the OP has, where they actively dislike the child, regard the poor behaviour as a part of the child's character rather than the obvious result of life experiences, and are saying that they don't want the child in their home or around their children, then they are absolutely choosing to be part of the problem.

Most blended families don't work, even where the parents think they do (because their lives are tolerable). They very often don't work for the children involved. And where things have reached the point the OP describes, the stepparent does have agency - they can choose to leave. Which is what OP should do, for the sake of this child and the others involved.

Being unable to cope with someone saying they dislike a child because they didn't instead say they dislike "their behaviour" is just silly semantics

This is dead wrong. I’ve sometimes disliked my own children’s behaviour. I’ve never disliked them at all. The concepts are completely different.

This is dead wrong. I’ve sometimes disliked my own children’s behaviour. I’ve never disliked them at all. The concepts are completely different.

Have you ever liked someone you weren't related to and therefore had an automatic love for, even though they behave consistently badly? Totally false equivalence.

And I specifically said if they have only ever behaved a certain way, as obviously you might still like someone if their poor behaviour is out of character.

@Mojobojolono

Your SD sounds like a smart, dominant leader type girl. Doesn't sound at all like she should be "diagnosed". It is a temperament. Please don't label little children because you don't like them. You probably don't like her because of your own insecurities. Everything is relative. Also, if you aren't happy with the SD, you should end your relationship. She is 7 and will continue to be in your partner's life for a long time. Rather than damaging your family and his, much better to find someone else.

I agree. Children this young, able to use sarcasm are just very bright, usually.

The problem here is that the OP is an adult and it’s her responsibility to either leave the relationship or have a kinder disposition towards the little girl.

My children come before any man and that will always be the case. You don’t decide that your kids should fit in with your new dating lifestyle just because you feel you’re entitled to one if it’s at their expense.

@aSofaNearYou You’ve missed my point, which is that there’s a meaningful difference between disliking someone and disliking their behaviour. It isn’t “silly semantics”.

@lunar1

Ask him to move out. No child should ever have to live with an adult who doesn't like them.

I agree.

[quote BennyTheWonderDog]@aSofaNearYou You’ve missed my point, which is that there’s a meaningful difference between disliking someone and disliking their behaviour. It isn’t “silly semantics”.[/quote]
No, I understand your point, it's a massive cliche on here. What I'm saying is that it IS silly semantics to expect it to still apply in situations where the person has never experienced better behaviour from the other person.

If a person has always acted a certain way around you and you dislike that behaviour, then obviously you dislike them.

You say you don't have your DDs all the time, does that mean every other weekend? How about changing the routine to mirror contact, so your SD is on her own, when your DDs are at their Dads? It might only be necessary for a year or so, you could see if that helped the dynamic. She'd also get more 1:1 with Dad.

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah, what are words anyway? Let’s just pretend everything means the same thing.

Or you could actually look at what the OP actually wrote, rather than trying to soften it by claiming she meant something different. She expressed herself very clearly. Many of us found what she said deeply unpleasant. If you want to defend her, knock yourself out, but you should at least do it on the basis of what she actually wrote.

Why does she have a support worker?

Has she always behaved this way or is it recent?

[quote BennyTheWonderDog]@aSofaNearYou

Yeah, what are words anyway? Let’s just pretend everything means the same thing.

Or you could actually look at what the OP actually wrote, rather than trying to soften it by claiming she meant something different. She expressed herself very clearly. Many of us found what she said deeply unpleasant. If you want to defend her, knock yourself out, but you should at least do it on the basis of what she actually wrote.[/quote]
I'm not trying to attach different meaning to OPs words. I'm taking them on face value. In what way are you reading that I'm not? She doesn't like the child because she always behaves poorly around her. Shock horror.

You can argue that it's shocking to live with a child whilst disliking them, obviously. But it isn't shocking to dislike someone when you dislike everything about their behaviour.

We might love our nearest and dearest despite their flaws, but generally everyone else we take as they come. If their behaviour is always bad and you hate being around them, it's safe to say you dislike them. No need to pretend you actually really like them... you just don't like their personality or how they act.