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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Don't like SD

145 replies

Rainbowchoc · 18/03/2022 14:13

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

Rainbowchoc · 19/03/2022 07:37

Thanks for all the comments, lots to read.

My SD behaves like this at home, at school, here, when she is out and about. And it hasn't started since me and my DP got together, there have been behavioural problems all her life.

I am kind to her. What I have posted is how I feel inside, I try very hard with her.

And it's my house, my mortgage, my name on the deeds. DP just moved in with me last summer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowchoc · 19/03/2022 07:42

And she does enjoy coming here.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 19/03/2022 07:50

Going down a different route and playing devils advocate… What do you think she could be diagnosed with? I have a son with autism and learning disabilities aged 9 and I can see echoes of possibly PDA in what you’ve written but obviously I’m not a medical expert! (Pda is a specific umbrella of autism - pathological demand avoidance, give it a google). If this is the case the general consensus is to remove the stress surrounding demands and choices - so for example the TV remote thing you suggest each girl takes a turn choosing, have timers (you can get sand timers from Amazon that go up to hours / 30 mins etc for this) and reward the good behaviour of letting someone else have a turn. If she does have some form of autism it may be that the busy nature of the household, 2 other similar aged children, is just too much for her sensory wise and she may need more quiet time / quiet space. Google sensory processing disorder.

SpaceshiptoMars · 19/03/2022 07:53

I think her school reports might make an interesting read. If there is a pattern of strong strengths and devastatingly strong weaknesses, it could be neurodiversity. Failing to listen can be a problem with aural comprehension, or with being hyperfocussed - the brain is not available to process that last bit, could you repeat it later...

You can tell some children something until you are blue in the face, but developmentally they are not ready for it. No hooks to hang it on. A meaningless concept. A few years later, suddenly they understand and you get the progress you wanted earlier.

ittakes2 · 19/03/2022 08:00

Do you know what I think you should do? Spend some individual time with her. It’s likely she can sense you don’t like her. I don’t blame you she is behaving very badly - but it’s clear she is seeking negative attention as she does not know how to get positive attention. You need to build a bond with her so she does not feel like the spare wheel.

Anon778833 · 19/03/2022 08:10

And it's my house, my mortgage, my name on the deeds. DP just moved in with me last summer.

Well tell him to move back out, until you’re willing to accept that he and his daughter come as a package. And if you invite him to move in, it’s his home too.

What does her mother say about her behaviour if she’s the same in all settings?

Turningpurple · 19/03/2022 08:31

I think that since the dd has this issues all the time and has done for a long time, i think deciding to move in together wasn't the best idea.

Honestly, I struggle with other kids whose behaviour bothers me. But that's why I wouldn't move in with someone who has them.

On threads like these I am always amazed how the ops children are so well behaved and it's the SC that are always an issue. To me that says, that while there maybe other things going on, you aren't really looking at this objectively.

People make mistakes or atruggle and then learn to cope. I am not berating you. What's done is done and it maybe that it needs undoing. But I really don't like the "she doesn't know I don't like her". Kids do know. Just like adults know that someone can act like they like you, but you know they don't. Split second expressions, body language etc. So many adults will tell you they always knew.

user1487194234 · 19/03/2022 08:43

No way would I subject my DC to this set up

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/03/2022 09:16

Your dc need to come first. Ultimately it is up to her dps to manage /support /negotiate her behaviour.. Your dc shouldn't be in the midst of it...

SpaceshiptoMars · 19/03/2022 09:20

No way would I subject my DC to this set up

But which way round? The two quiet girls facing a space invasion, or the younger girl dealing with not being the only child to be considered? Handled well, all the children will learn from each other. Adversity can be a great teacher.

PDA. Another mum reframed that to be Persistent Desire for Autonomy. Seems highly appropriate here.

JennyForeigner · 19/03/2022 09:23

I might have been this child a couple of decades ago. My dad moved in with a woman who clearly didn't like us. It was all implicit - sighing, dark looks, never being good enough.

We grew up in fear, every day. We hid in bedrooms, we watched television because it meant we could pretend to be absorbed and so not present. We probably tested boundaries.

Children are sensitive and need to feel loved and valued in their home above everything else. You shouldn't be living together if this is where you have got to.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2022 09:29

But don't you think that if it were your child who was badly behaved, whilst the other children were well behaved, you'd be far less likely to start a thread about it?

But I really don't like the "she doesn't know I don't like her". Kids do know. Just like adults know that someone can act like they like you, but you know they don't. Split second expressions, body language etc. So many adults will tell you they always knew.

And for all the adults or children who do know, there are also plenty that don't. It baffles me that people on here think they can quantify the unknown and say with certainty that they know every single person who has ever disliked them. By definition, if someone has ever disliked them without their knowledge, then they wouldn't be aware of it to say either way.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2022 09:30

But I have certainly as a third party known people dislike others, and that other person be blissfully unaware.

Food for thought.

JennyForeigner · 19/03/2022 09:31

And I'd just add to my post above that we tried so heartbreakingly hard.

My greatest fear in life was my mum finding out how much we hated being at dad's house as she couldn't control it. My brother and I would have sworn till we were blue in the face that we wanted to be there.

We have an ok relationship with my dad in adult life, but through my childhood we would rather he had broken contact than continued to try to pretend we were welcome with a stepmother who disliked us.

SpaceshiptoMars · 19/03/2022 09:33

Children are sensitive and need to feel loved and valued in their home above everything else. You shouldn't be living together if this is where you have got to.

The problem with this argument is that there isn't sufficient housing in this country for every adult with children to live alone and in comfort! Which is better? Dad lives in a houseshare and spends every Saturday afternoon at the zoo with DD, or he moves in with OP and they get specialist help for the child and couple/family counselling for themselves?

user1487194234 · 19/03/2022 09:34

In my experience blended families might work for adults but they don't work for children

Anon778833 · 19/03/2022 09:35

@aSofaNearYou why do you have such an interest in convincing people that it’s ok for an adult to dislike a child that they decided to move in with?

The adult can always choose another life, the child can’t - the child is at the mercy of their caregivers.

JennyForeigner · 19/03/2022 09:38

@SpaceshiptoMars

Children are sensitive and need to feel loved and valued in their home above everything else. You shouldn't be living together if this is where you have got to.

Completely nonsensical. You have made this up out of whole cloth.

Where does it say that dad can't afford a home of his own? Why have you jumped from family A is not working to 'therefore no parent with a child may ever live in a blended family again'?

Turningpurple · 19/03/2022 09:38

But don't you think that if it were your child who was badly behaved, whilst the other children were well behaved, you'd be far less likely to start a thread about it?

That wasn't my point my point is that the kids are always opposite ends of the scale. Which I don't believe. I don't believe the sc is bad all the time and the posters own children are great all the time. There's rarely threads where the SC is causing issuing and the posters own children are not acting amazingly well. That was was my observation.

OK, I get that point. But we do usually know if we interact with someone for prolonged periods. And when it's the well being of a child that's in question, betting they don't know so you (and adult) can remain living with your partner, isn't an acceptable bet in my opinion.

I wouldn't ever have my kids living with someone who doesn't like them on the basis of 'they might not notice the other adult dislikes them'. If I was the one who disliked the child, I certainly wouldn't be confident it wasn't noticed and wasn't impacting a child already struggling.

Turningpurple · 19/03/2022 09:42

So this dad didn't spend weekends with his child before moving in with op? So the child went from seeing their dad one afternoon a week to spending whole weekends with his new family?

That's an even bigger disruption to the child

But also there's plenty of places where people can afford houses as a single adult. Op does. How do you know where op lives and this extra detail?

SpaceshiptoMars · 19/03/2022 09:45

@JennyForeigner

There is a surprising preponderance on this board of women who are providing the housing in the blended situation. There are often financial reasons for that. But the desire of the Dad to find a way to see more of his children is also a big motivator.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2022 09:46

[quote Itsnotover]@aSofaNearYou why do you have such an interest in convincing people that it’s ok for an adult to dislike a child that they decided to move in with?

The adult can always choose another life, the child can’t - the child is at the mercy of their caregivers.[/quote]
For the same reason you have such an interest in convincing people that it's disgusting and immoral to find yourself in that situation?

Because it is my opinion.

Turningpurple · 19/03/2022 09:51

But the desire of the Dad to find a way to see more of his children is also a big motivator.

To do it at the expense of child is incredibly selfish.

Anon778833 · 19/03/2022 09:55

@aSofaNearYou

Ok. Why do you think it’s ok for a parent to put their own well-being above their child’s and at the child’s expense?

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2022 10:02

[quote Itsnotover]@aSofaNearYou

Ok. Why do you think it’s ok for a parent to put their own well-being above their child’s and at the child’s expense?[/quote]
This is putting words in my mouth, something I have never said.

I think it's down to the parent to assess whether what they are doing goes against the child's well being or is at their expense. So if OPs partner thinks her dislike of his child is felt by the child and having a negative effect on them, then he is doing the wrong thing. But it is down to him to make that assessment, either way.

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