Don't like SD

[Rainbowchoc]

I've been with my DP a couple of years and he has a DD who is 7. He moved in with me last summer and has his DD with us every other weekend.

The problem is his DD has some behaviour problems. She is very argumentative, sarcastic, strops if she doesn't get her way, wants to take over when she is here.
For example she will grab hold of the tv remote and want to choose what to watch and not let anyone else get a look in. My 2 DD who are 8 and 10 are more quiet and tolerant and will just let her take over but I am not comfortable with this. If we do some baking all together, she will always want it to be "my turn" and try's to take over doing everything and if we say that it is someone else's turn she will get annoyed and storm off in a strop. It's either her way or no way. She will try and take things that belong to my DD and she lies all the time. Even if me or my DP hear what she has said she will still swear blind she hasn't said it. She also doesn't listen to us. For example she had a pencil case out and was starting to drop the pencils onto the floor. My DP told her to not and she just kept saying no and continuing to do it.

My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.

The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.

She is older than her years in the way she talks and does use sarcasm and is rude and my DDs often don't even pick up on this, especially the sarcasm.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I love my DP more than anything but the dread every time I have to be around his daughter is making me stressed and anxious and unhappy.

The real issue is that OP knew the child's behaviour, she knew she had issues ,presumably disliked the behaviour/child before but still chose to move in together and bring that child in her home.
Something the child had no control or choice over.

Given the situation she only has a few options

1.puts the work in to develop a positive relationship with the child.
2.splits up with dad.
3.ask dad to move out and continue the relationship when he doesn't have his DD, or minimal contact.
4.ask dad to choose between her and DD.

I honestly don't know what she expected knowingly having a child that struggler a lot in her house on a regular,frequent basis.

The real issue is that OP knew the child's behaviour, she knew she had issues ,presumably disliked the behaviour/child before but still chose to move in together and bring that child in her home.
Something the child had no control or choice over.

When a child is acting up at 5, you expect normal parenting to smooth that out fairly quickly. If the situation hasn't improved at 7, it's then a completely different thing. None of us have crystal balls to work out where life is trending.

Why do you need to judge and assign blame? This isn't AIBU, it's the step-parenting support forum. These are developmental issues and can be handled as such. It may well take professional support - and that doesn't grow on trees - but with sufficient will, progress can be made.

@ldontWanna

The real issue is that OP knew the child's behaviour, she knew she had issues ,presumably disliked the behaviour/child before but still chose to move in together and bring that child in her home. Something the child had no control or choice over.

Given the situation she only has a few options

1.puts the work in to develop a positive relationship with the child.
2.splits up with dad.
3.ask dad to move out and continue the relationship when he doesn't have his DD, or minimal contact.
4.ask dad to choose between her and DD.

I honestly don't know what she expected knowingly having a child that struggler a lot in her house on a regular,frequent basis.

Perhaps she naively thought the behaviour would improve as the girl got older, or thought it would be easier to live with than it proved to be.

The dad, too, knowingly moved in with someone, bringing his daughter in tow, knowing she had behavioural issues that would make it unlikely the people he was moving in with would enjoy her company. Maybe HE buried his head in the sand.

But either way, assuming he was aware of how OP acted around his DD, the decision to move in and the resulting impact on the child (if it exists) is on him.

But yes, it does obviously leave OP in the position of needing to decide whether she can live with it or not.

@username9871028

She’s 7 years old. You have to deal with her every other weekend, get the hell over it.

How helpful.

@Rainbowchoc My DP is very good with her and is good at disciplining her but she doesn't change. It's exhausting being around her and I don't enjoy it. I don't like her or her being in my home around my DDs.
The waiting list at school to perhaps get a diagnosis of something is long so and even though she has a family support worker nothing is changing. I think it is just who she is.
Reading this I felt sad, for all of you. What are the family support worker and her parents doing to try to change things? If nothing concrete
is being done to support her mentally and to support her to improve behaves nothing will change. Behaviour is complex and it's very time intensive to teach a child better emotional regulation and teach her to understand her feelings and the resultant actions. If her parents can't access or can't afford to get her the supports she needs they could work on something like zones of regulation with her. Also more one on one with her Dad is a good idea.

Ask your DP to take her out half the time and do one to one things with her.

And it's my house, my mortgage, my name on the deeds. DP just moved in with me last summer.

This is irrelevant to your sd. She's 7, has been placed in a strangers home who doesn't like her. She isn't thinking about whom the house belongs to. She sounds like a smart girl, I'm sure she understands you don't like her. If you cannot change your feelings you need to separate from this man, or live apart and see him only. Otherwise you bring misery to yourself and to this poor little girl. She's only 7...

She sounds like a smart girl, I'm sure she understands you don't like her.

Given the nature of her behaviour, she is probably getting negative feedback from many quarters. I don't see this as a step-parenting issue, predominantly - her own parents will be feeling it, too.

Find out what the developmental issues are and go from there. Neurodiverse kids can drive NT adults absolutely potty with their quirky solutions to various challenges. Once you can see what is driving the behaviour it helps - doesn't make it vanish, but can help you come up with creative solutions for working around it.

@MintJulia

Look at it with her eyes. Her daddy has moved in with a whole new family, who get to spend all week with him. When she comes to stay, she's expected , at 7, to cope with being outnumbered 3:1 by the new family who are all older than her. It's hardly surprising she acts up, to get some attention and to try to assert herself. That's a lot for a 7yo to cope with, no matter how lovely you and your daughters are.

I think all you can do is be calm and scrupulously fair with turns. Keep a table on the fridge that keeps track of turns. And make sure she gets some alone time with her dad every visit.
It isn't easy for anyone.

This. Poor kid.

@Whatthefuck3456
The 7 year old is not making decisions for the adults. The OP is making the choice not to remove a disruptive situation from her home.

There is no information stating that her partner was homeless prior to moving in with her. Perhaps, the daughter was more comfortable in the prior living situation. Moving into a house with 3 people with whom you are not related might not be an easy situation for many people.

The OP does not have to end her relationship ; she need only end the current living arrangement. If they were together for several years prior to his moving into her home, they are obviously capable of maintaining a relationship without living together.

Their collective children get only 1 childhood. That childhood should not have to be a tortured or unhappy situation simply to accommodate mom or dad's love life.

In this situation the OP and her partner do not have to give up their relationship; they need only live apart until the daughter matures a bit. Afterall, she is only 7 years old.

@Petsop

Blended families rarely work

What a load of bollocks.

I. Annoy think of a single one of my three children and 5
Step childrens friends who's parents a are still married or together.

That's a LOT of families.All except 3 out of over 50 I can think of are
Second marriages with blended families. Most of which have lasted far far longer than the original marriage.

@secretsqizzlecr
There is a vast difference between staying together and really working. The OP and her partner are still together but in fact this blending does not seem to be really working.

@secretsqizzlecr

There is actually a lot of studies out there that prove without a doubt that "[un]blended" families are more likely to end in divorce / separation
.

Blended families rarely work

Relationships rarely work. This is why blended families exist.

Perhaps we need to stop expecting step mothers to fix the issues that were caused by people having children with people who they aren't able to sustain a relationship with long term.

Sorry you're getting all these useless, it's-all-black-and-white, Im a saint and would never think of myself before my children comments. You're totally allowed to feel what you feel about this kid and have a rant- that's why you came here, right? I am a divorced mom and part time step mom, with a PT blended family AND am a child of divorced parents. Putting aside what you legitimately feel, I think you already know you have to be the adult here and build the right solution with the right combo of empathy and self-preservation. Letting SD have one on one time with her dad sounds essential. It does sound like a mix of personality and reaction to the circumstances. Blended families do work with a lot of love and patience. Good luck!

I think you should split up. This isn't ok. I'm sorry but it's just not ok. Poor wee girl

I think you should detach from her behaviour, allow her father to deal with it, don’t do activities together like baking where she is being set up to fail from the awkwardness of it all, and just focus on your own children. My DCs understand that there are different rules in our house for them and for Dscs. They don’t have a problem with it.

@KylieKoKo

I don't think anyone in a household is anymore important than anyone else. Treating any child like they are more important than others is incredibly poor parenting and will make their life a lot harder in the long run when they have to survive in the real world.

It is heart breaking for these children. Theyknow they are not liked. They know that daddy is moving on. They know they are hanging on by a thread.

Their life is turned upside down, most of them grieve profoundly, and while grieving are accused of self importance or are diagnosed with behavourial problems.

And they are so young.

It really should be all about compassion not importance.

It’s a taboo to say you don’t like your stepchild but if it’s true, it’s true!

Are you sure about this? Almost every Grimm story has that at the heart of it.