DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

Would you be posting about this if it was your son not a step son

Would you be posting about this if it was a step sister

Doubt it

It probably is childish curiosity, but still, there's no harm in addressing it with him. You can do it in quite a gentle way e.g. laugh and say "would you like it if someone started at you getting changed like that?" If he doesn't take the hint then address it more directly that it's not appropriate to stare at a baby/ toddler being changed.

Stepdad is taking it too seriously by asking "what you are implying", that's daft, obviously it's childish curiosity but it doesn't mean it's appropriate. He should be told.

It sounds a bit odd to me.

But still, even if we take the view that he is completely innocent and just being curios, he is stil, at least, being very rude. He's old enough to know not to stare at someone else's genitals, and he has specifically been told not to stare whilst his little sister is having her nappy changed, and yet he continues to do it. That needs to be addressed. DH needs to step in here and have another talk with him.

I wouldn't be bothering with door stops and all of that. You telling him to give Dd some privacy for her nappy change should be enough. It isn't acceptable for him to ignore this request.

@Miracle29

My ds was 10 when my dd was 3 and I can honestly say he never came over during nappy change...quite the opposite actually he'd make sure he was out the way and found it gross, if he was in the same room he'd turn away or go into another room. He's a bit old to be watching your dd at nappy change op. Definitely tell him she needs her privacy and it's inappropriate. If he was younger maybe it is just curiosity but not at this age.

This. Completely agree your DSS more than likely doesn't have bad intentions but I genuinely don't see why an 11 year old would be bothered enough about a nappy to hover over the poor child. Most kids that age would awkwardly shuffle out of the room once they realised what was happening 🤷

Go in the bedroom with her every single nappy change
Buy a door wedge and get it tight under the door ,no one can get in then .
Don’t let your dp change her ,if he can respect her privacy

You are right to be concerned. I had a very similar situation with Dss at the age of 12. Was spying on me in the bathroom. Despite his DD talking to him and explaining it was inappropriate it happened 2 more times. Due to being abused by DSD as a child, it damaged me and our relationship irrevocably. What your Dss is doing is not just curiosity now. Get that door wedge bought.

Also what about your privacy? I would make your bedroom out of bounds for a start then there is no issue if you change Dd's nappy in there. Just go in and close the door, no need for locks if it is understood that nobody but you or Dh is allowed in the bedroom. If that doesn't work put a bolt on the inside rather than a lock. Not sure why Ds is lurking when you change Dd but if it makes you uncomfortable then that is a good enough reason to keep him away.

It's such a hard subject because obviously he's a child. But we absolutely knew what sexy meant at that age, and how it made us feel. You need to be putting firm boundaries in place sooner rather than later. DD needs to learn what's appropriate too. Because its not being naked in the living room while a much older boy stands over you looking at your genitals.

You don't need a lock as such, change her in your bedroom, even with your back to the door so if it opens it hits you. But every time say "you can't come in here, DD needs privacy while she's getting changed." Because they both need to hear that message.

I wouldn’t single him but introduce general privacy rules at home for everyone such as knocking on bedroom doors when they are closed. Changing only in bedroom or bathroom (nappies and clothes), privacy at bath time as much as possible and reinforce every time, even when SC aren’t there. It will become habit but will be constant prompting until then

Actually good point by pp. Do YOU have any privacy?

I disagree with the advice to get a lock fitted or sit with your back to the door.

I think you need to make it clear to DSS that he needs to give his sister privacy. That he's too old to be watching someone get naked and redressed and that his sister isn't there for him to gawp at, she's a person with the same need for respect as any other person. Even if his dad does happen to change her nappy in the living room, your DSS shouldn't be taking advantage of the opportunity. He needs to behave decently towards others.

Just blocking his access when you are aware of the opportunity isn't addressing the root problem - which is his behaviour. Whether it's curiosity or something else, it's inappropriate and unfair on your DD or any other child (or adult) he might do it to. And he needs to know that and change his behaviour.

Don't do it in a way that shames him. He's a kid and doesn't seem to have been given a consistent message on it. And if it isn't innocuous, shame would possibly compound things. Just say matter of factly that he's getting old enough to respect people's privacy now and he should do other things when DD is having her nappy changed.

This is completely inappropriate. My 5 year old knows he must not stare at others in the changing rooms at swimming for example.
This needs sorting and fast.

You need to make clear to DSS that it’s not appropriate. You don’t need to make a big deal to him, but a simple ‘DSS, can you give us some privacy please’ every time he comes over is sufficient

Be open and kind with him, but explain that "privates are private" and that we don't stare (unless we're the one who's having to do the changing!)

Don't be weird, or passive aggressive, or start making "subtle" faces to your husband behind his back etc. Try not to introduce any shame into the situation. (not suggesting that you do this, more that this is unfortunately my own personal experience of having a step mother).

Boundaries???
That is not childlike curiosity. He is 10yo? (Approx) the kid would have seen porn by now. I wouldn't let him watch . Never. This is creepy... very creepy. And the fact that your partner doesn't see that is creepy too...

Shut the door.

When he comes in, say ' out you get, xxxx is getting changed'

Ps my 8 and 9yos use the word "sexy" without really understanding what it means. They've learnt it from kids at school, and understand it as meaning "like a woman in an advert" (this is whole other issue!) but i can see that he might have just meant that she was posing a bit like a swimsuit model or something.

They need to respect her bedroom as her own private space. They are not allowed in it unless she says its ok. Your little one needs to learn they can request privacy. Stop changing her wherever and take her to her or your bedroom each time.

And to be honest I'd probably have started yelling at them if they kept bursting in on you. They need to respect respect closed door. They are going to get in so much trouble if they don't understand privacy at this age.

@spotcheck

Shut the door.

When he comes in, say ' out you get, xxxx is getting changed'

Yes each and every time

Back firmly on bedroom door whilst changing her. When he tries to burst in shout. ‘ Whoever that is - I’m changing DD’s nappy so she needs some privacy! - we’ll be out in a minute’.

His behaviour is very worrying. I worked with children and young people for years and this is more than curiosity which would definitely have worn off by now. Sibling CSA is more common than people like to believe. For those saying he’s not a teen- no, but he is on the cusp of adolescence and will have some sexual awareness, even if he is unable to identify or articulate it as such.
OP - I think your instinct to protect your DD is spot on. Put the privacy boundaries in place and have the direct conversations about respect. Good luck

This is a 10-11 year old child you're discussing.
The toddler has quite obviously not suggested they want greater privacy - if they had then yes, I'd agree.

You're making a nothing into a very significant something. That's going to be very divisive moving forward and imo if you don't wish to start that train, accept they're all children and get her potty trained ASAP.

Could you put a bolt on your bedroom door? I know you said your landlord didn’t want a lock again, but the bolt on the inside could be a quick option. Or a heavy chair behind the door.

I’d be concerned what he’d be like when she’s potty training

@ChoiceMummy

This is a 10-11 year old child you're discussing. The toddler has quite obviously not suggested they want greater privacy - if they had then yes, I'd agree.

You're making a nothing into a very significant something. That's going to be very divisive moving forward and imo if you don't wish to start that train, accept they're all children and get her potty trained ASAP.

Not at all.

You're very naive.