DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

@ChoiceMummy I really hope you don't have DCs because you are not cut out to bring up kids in todays world with that attitude. The fact you have the brass nerve to call out parents who are way more on the ball than you says that you are scarily naive.

Natural Curiosity in this instance - 4/5 max... any older & no developmental delay is creepy AF & shows the lad has been exposed to stuff he should have or worse & either way he needs help before this gets worse still

But it doesn’t matter it’s just curiosity.

It’s the fact he is learning it’s ok to not respect the privacy of a little girl (who will become a girl and then a woman).
Regardless of the intent, he should nit be doing that.

You can get portable locks on Amazon, we use when we stay in hotels.

@VickyPolli

Mine does the same with his little sister. It's normal innocent curiosity as your dh said who probably knows his son well. You need to think about why your reacting like this, posting on step parenting board and whether you'd think differently if he was your biological son.

At around 10 years old he is old enough to learn that his curiosity doesn't trump her privacy. I can remember being 3 and being sat in a sink at a campsite to be washed in public and people looking at me and I was feeling embarrassed. Her boundaries at this age and stage and drawn and kept by her parents, and she needs healthy ones modelled for her. She isn't there to be gawped at, specifically her privates which are the object of interest, she isn't an anatomy lesson, he's had a good look now and it's making it his business to come and do this each nappy change. He can and should be taught to manage himself taking into consideration other people. All children can be taught respect for others at any age. This isn't about his motive or the fact op is his stepmum.

Start teaching her the pants rule now xx

@VickyPolli

Mine does the same with his little sister. It's normal innocent curiosity as your dh said who probably knows his son well. You need to think about why your reacting like this, posting on step parenting board and whether you'd think differently if he was your biological son.

At 10, he will soon be moving onto the next stage of school life. He is too old for this behaviour. I presume your son is younger.

@VickyPolli

Mine does the same with his little sister. It's normal innocent curiosity as your dh said who probably knows his son well. You need to think about why your reacting like this, posting on step parenting board and whether you'd think differently if he was your biological son.

Are you saying that your 10 year old son comes and stares at his little sister every time she is getting a nappy changed ?

I think if you think changing nappies is private, which I guess at the age of 3 is, tell the boy it is. Just think of a way to tell him that it doesnt make him feel bad.

Trust your gut, all children need to know boundaries to keep themselves safe. You are protecting your child's boundaries.

He's not curious, he's seen the nappy changing routine dozens of times, so he knows what happens. This is beyond curiosity and I would be stopping this now and very firmly.

Agree you need to deal with this - most kids avoid nappies as they aren't exactly pleasant.

You could maybe put an old fashioned hook on the door so no chance of locksmith issues.

But agree a 'stock' phrase with DH - 'DD needs her privacy, and we need not to be staring at anyone when they are in a state of undress'. And repeat endlessly. If this is established behaviour you're going to have to repeat this a lot to get it through.

When my DD was at primary the boys were watching porn by year 5. It was a massive issue when some of the Mums found out what the boys were doing on 'play dates' with unsupervised access to a computer. It only takes one boy to spread 'the word' as it were and then it can snowball. The younger kids hear about it in the playground as well.

@Scbchl

Id just say "x, no one comes and watches you when you are on the toilet, I'm sure you wouldn't like people seeing your bum being wiped, so can we give y some privacy please when she's getting hers done now, close the door on your way out and Il be out when we are done"

This. It is inappropriate, but more likely curiosity rather than sexual interest, especially if you say his mum’s house has fewer boundaries around nakedness.

Tackle it head on with DSS, but without accusing him of anything. Just shoo him out nicely.

In my experience PornHub & sharing such videos starts in year 4/5 & if one is at it, they all are. It's the naive parents who think "oh my little cherub would never" who are the fucking problem & let it carry on 😣

I think you've allowed this situation to go on for a bit too long so time for some kind of conversation with him about what's appropriate. Neither should you be having to sit holding a door back or installing locks if firm rules are in place (knock and wait if a door is shut!) but your DH has to be on board with this. I certainly think DSS is old enough to have had access to porn and your DH should ask him about this stuff. Just telling him to stop doesn't deal with any underlying issues - if there are any, tread carefully.

Lots of overthinking here. Just tell him to sod off, and keep doing so. Don’t fanny around with locks and door wedges etc. You are the adult here. You’re in control.

Tbh most boys that age would be embarrassed to be told to stop gawping and go away.

As for making him feel bad…I would have yelled at him by now. To be honest.

Does he walk in when you’re changing? He needs educating fast.

I’m shocked at some of these responses.
It isn’t normal for a child of this age to be behaving in this way, at all. Full stop.

I'm afraid the non-potty trained 3 year old is the issue here. Not the child obviously, the parents. Why is she not potty trained - that would solve the problem surely??
Yes DSS is curious and probably inappropriately so, but don't blame a young curious child, look much closer to home.
I'm a step mother myself and very open to the difficulties of step parenting, but this is OP and her husband's fault for treating a 3 year old like a baby.

I'd be concerned for his safety more than anything, neither of my children know what "sexy" means and certainly would never use it. When children use adult sexual language and display odd behaviour around nudity and bodies its a massive red flag that perhaps someone is behaving inappropriately to them/ around them. id speak to your DH asap from that perspective.

I suspect that his older brother may have shared inappropriate things with him. Older children of course are more likely to be better at covering up what they are doing.

Also. as someone else said, don’t have a ’chat’. Have a really plain conversation with very definite orders.

He is not to come into your bedroom.
He is not to enter a bathroom if anyone else is in there.
These are very simple rules. They are not unkind or unfair.

@JulesJoules

I'm afraid the non-potty trained 3 year old is the issue here. Not the child obviously, the parents. Why is she not potty trained - that would solve the problem surely?? Yes DSS is curious and probably inappropriately so, but don't blame a young curious child, look much closer to home. I'm a step mother myself and very open to the difficulties of step parenting, but this is OP and her husband's fault for treating a 3 year old like a baby.

???? Do you understand how ridiculous this is?

Children should have boundaries and respect privacy regardless of whether the 3 year old is potty trained or not.

I'm afraid the non-potty trained 3 year old is the issue here. Not the child obviously, the parents. Why is she not potty trained - that would solve the problem surely??

Jesus H Christ, we are now victim blaming 3 year olds are we

The potty training is not the issue. I'm sure the OP has her reasons, nobody keeps their DCs in nappies unless they need to. I hope those judgey knickers are chaffing your judgemental missing the point ass

I have two things. First does DSS have any additional needs, I’d assume you would have mentioned them if he had but you never know. I have 2 high functioning ASD kids and one of those lacked understanding of privacy until later than is the “norm”.

Secondly everyone is assuming this kid has had the chat about privacy, private parts and what boundaries are. He might not necessarily know, and if he has been exposed to something he shouldn’t then innapropriate behaviour is really the first sign.

Why no sit DSS down, have the pants are private parts chat, use the sentence the above poster used about people watching when going to the toilet, but take it further and give him the knowledge to know who to tell if someone makes him feel uncomfortable. Don’t assume he has already had this in-depth chat.

OP,
You don't feel comfortable bathing your daughter when your partners children are there.

This is a huge deal.

You seem nervous and tentative approaching this with your partner?

I find the 11 year olds behaviour strange and inappropriate, particularly as he has been asked.

I would be very firm with your partner, that you are not happy that his child is not getting privacy.

11 is far too old not to understand the concept of basic privacy.

Stop tip toeing around it and spell it out.

I would be very wary of this child around your 3 year old.

Your gut is telling you something is off.

Listen to your gut carefully.

Please read my post before laying into me. I am not blaming the child FFS.

Of course there should be boundaries, but why is a 3 year old still in nappies? It's insane (unless there are other issues not mentioned).