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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn't speak to me at all

164 replies

nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 13:22

4 years on.

We did have a good relationship.

He ignores me. Constantly.

I get up with the kids offer him breakfast he ignores me. I'll offer all kids a drink and he ignores me, then asks his dad.

We went geocaching yesterday. The app is on my phone, in my hand. He asks his dad where the next one is etc.

His mother openly refers to me as a fucking bitch. Tbh I'm done. They win. My partner has just told me to grow up infront of him for me asking him if he can hear me when he's ignored me ALL weekend.

We've had a massive row and I'm done. I don't want to be in my own house when he's here. He's 7 and runs rings round his dad and I'm done.

OP posts:
ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 22:18

@nadgersbadgers they would believe you. You are worth more than this. You’ll be surprised what people will actually see. Not everyone will wear the parents blinkers.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 22:21

@ProfFloss my sister who is a teacher won't come round when they're here as she finds it too stressful. She sees it. And hates it. She purposely has her young DC birthday party recently on a weekend they weren't here so that they couldn't come as he's known to wreck events

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 07/03/2022 22:24

@nadgersbadgers your SS put your 1yr old in danger. You will soon have an even younger child. Think about it. He is seriously disturbed, and should not be allowed anywhere near the baby.

An older child buried me in the sandpit when I was about 18 months. Her mother went absolutely mental with her.

ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 22:33

What are your reasons for staying?
Mine were, shame - not wanting others to think I’d failed at marriage and step parenting.
Fear of not being believed.
Fear of what others thought.
Financials - although we have separate finances I was worried that spending my savings would leave me in financial ruin.

None of these fears were realised, not one, even with the cost of everything going crazy.
What are your fears? What can be worse than this child hurting yours?

KosherDill · 07/03/2022 22:40

@turnaroundtime

Looks like your DH is going to have 2 more dc from a broken home to father. Sorry OP. He sounds shit
I will never understand how these shit men get multiple women to reproduce with them. It boggles the mind.
Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 22:42

@ProfFloss all of those reasons. Because I've always tried to see the best in people abs make things better and I feel like I've failed.

Also he will be horrific over child contact arrangements and I don't have any fight left. I don't want to be pregnant alone. Or give birth alone. I'm scared.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 07/03/2022 22:46

@Tattler2

Imagine being just 7 years old and being expected to live in a house filled with step siblings and half siblings . it is hard enough to adjust to living with people to whom you are related but now you are surrounded by several children to whom you are not related and an increasing number to whom you have a half sibling relationship. The half siblings get to live with your dad on a full time basis. It may just be too complicated an arrangement with too many people and moving parts for a 7 year old child to adjust easily.

If the 7 year old is a child who enjoys consistency and possibly quiet this just may not be a good environmental fit for him.

The OP is obviously unhappy, and it may be more than the 7 year old contributing to her unhappiness.

The entire situation seems to be stressful for at least 2 members of this household.

Yes, I feel sorry for the child. A shit life with two immature parents and a bewildering stew of semi-siblings. Imagine how confused, insecure and frightened he has been on a daily basis for most of his short life.
KosherDill · 07/03/2022 22:48

@nadgersbadgers

Yes either way what ever the situation isn't working for him (SS) and me.

I don't feel I'm able to change that situation other than leave / drastically alter arrangements so we aren't around together.

DP will completely turn at this. He wants to take our toddler son to his parents house to spend time with his other children and I can't allow it. Their influence is nasty and our soon always gets hurt and DP doesn't look after him properly just leaves his stupid mother to do all the parenting. It's the same argument we have always had. I'm stuck.

I had a V nice time with my Dc yesterday afternoon (funny DP made no attempt to take our son when he went out with his DC as he can't be arsed with parenting him when it doesn't suit).

Lots of things have crept in my mind in last 24 hours that have made some massive alarm bells ring in my head.

How many other kids does he have?!
BananaBlue · 08/03/2022 08:26

[quote nadgersbadgers]@grapewines it was truly awful. I came home to find SS with a hose - backed my 1. Yr old into the corner of garden. Early January - 1 yr old in a vest, SS in boots, coat, hat etc.

Took 2 hours of him dry in bed skin to skin with me to get a reading on a thermometer of 34

I won't ever forgive him for shit like that. [/quote]
Bloody hell, was this a 1 and 5 year old?

WTF was your DH doing at the time? Why were they unsupervised?
This is child neglect.

This would have been the end for me - he cannot keep the children safe.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 08/03/2022 09:09

@BananaBlue think SS was 6 at the time, my son was just over 1. Just walking - and I did ask him to leave. He refused and basically told me I was mental and they were playing.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 09:44

[quote nadgersbadgers]@ProfFloss all of those reasons. Because I've always tried to see the best in people abs make things better and I feel like I've failed.

Also he will be horrific over child contact arrangements and I don't have any fight left. I don't want to be pregnant alone. Or give birth alone. I'm scared. [/quote]
@nadgersbadgers - I know it's harder to leave than you think but at least try to think about doing it. I've read your other posts and honestly he sounds awful, trying to get back with ex-W during your first pregnancy for sex etc.

For now, you could carry on the pregnancy and give birth whilst with him but make plans to leave after.

You haven't failed but a good family/divorce lawyer will help you with contact arrangements.

Do you really want this to be your life forever? And having a 7 year old who hates you but mostly due to his DF/M's influence?

My friend who left her partner and young son noticed that sometimes her son was copying her partner, who wasn't that bad, just controlling.

Years later they've all moved on and even her partner is in a good relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/03/2022 09:44

Considering the hose incident and your 'D'Hs abusive behaviour it's time to break up.

Your son isn't safe.

You aren't happy.

You and your husband aren't on the same page or working as a team.

This isn't a healthy environment for the kids to grow up in.

It isn't a healthy environment for you to be living in.

Resentment will grow between you and your husband and as DSS moves into tween and teen years this will be a disaster with your own DS as collateral damage.

On top of this, he is abusive as you say he's made threats to keep you inside, he's got a vicious temper and he will turn nasty quickly.

This means you need to still break up but with safeguards in place. To do this I would suggest you call women's aid for their advice and guidance.

theemmadilemma · 08/03/2022 09:51

OP I feel for you. The exact type of behaviour in your OP was the reason my ovaries thankfully shut down and I'm now divorced.

You need to leave, it won't get better, and he won't suddenly parent well.

RandomMess · 08/03/2022 09:56

Sounds like your DSS has learnt an awful lot from his Dad - how to bully, how to stonewall, how to manipulate.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 08/03/2022 10:14

I've got a viewing booked for a rental property for this Friday. Not hopeful - they said people were already putting applications in.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 08/03/2022 10:43

At worst, you and your shared DC are going to be abused by DH and DS. At best, you'll eventually find only yourself being abused, but by all of them.

I hope you get help and find the strength to leave.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 11:37

@nadgersbadgers

I've got a viewing booked for a rental property for this Friday. Not hopeful - they said people were already putting applications in.
@nadgersbadgers - great - that is a step in the right direction. If this one doesn't work out, try again.

You can do this.

ProfFloss · 08/03/2022 11:39

You can do this! Good luck and don’t give up, you’ll have a much better life. Keep us updated.

grapewines · 08/03/2022 11:41

That's great. First step. Good luck. You can do this.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 08/03/2022 12:13

I'm going to have nothing - I can probably pay a years rent upfront from my savings. I'll be on maternity pay and unable to do any self employed stuff to help. Other than my daughters bed I will have no useable furniture and no way of kitting out a house. Literally nothing. When we moved in together we got rid of nearly everything of mine as wasn't to "our" taste. It's all his furniture

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 08/03/2022 12:21

You'll get there, OP. Being able to pay a years rent is not nothing.

Check out what you'll be entitled to in terms of benefits, and child maintenance.

Keep an eye on freebies pages on Facebook, etc.

It will be hard, but as they say, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And this is more than worthwhile.

ProfFloss · 08/03/2022 12:28

Do you have any family that can help?
Facebook marketplace can be good for bits and pieces. It won’t be easy but you’ll be so much happier. Your children will also be safe.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 13:01

Freecycle or FB marketplace.

Try to save as much as you can now into a savings account.

Can your parents or sister help out?

Years ago a family friend left and divorced her abusive (he hit her) DH - her life was so much better and happier afterwards. Yes, he saw the kids, yes he was still a pain, but he didn't live with them. I don't deny it was a struggle (my DM helped her out) but you can do this.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/03/2022 13:25

@nadgersbadgers

I'm going to have nothing - I can probably pay a years rent upfront from my savings. I'll be on maternity pay and unable to do any self employed stuff to help. Other than my daughters bed I will have no useable furniture and no way of kitting out a house. Literally nothing. When we moved in together we got rid of nearly everything of mine as wasn't to "our" taste. It's all his furniture
Depending where you live, there can be amazing stuff on Freecycle. If you're prepared to share location (ish), I'd expect Mumsnetters to help out too.

I hope your ex does take this man back off you, he sounds horrible. They deserve each other. But you must tell the doctor about your concerns about your young ones and the DSS - it will help in the fight for supervised custody only.

Lunificent · 08/03/2022 13:59

Well done for planning to leave. This home isn’t safe for you and your son.
I wonder if there are any local charities that could help you furnish. Here in Manchester we have The Mustard Tree and others
Perhaps Women’s Aid could advise you about charity help and about his threats about you leaving with your son. Police might be able to help as some of this is domestic abuse.