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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn't speak to me at all

164 replies

nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 13:22

4 years on.

We did have a good relationship.

He ignores me. Constantly.

I get up with the kids offer him breakfast he ignores me. I'll offer all kids a drink and he ignores me, then asks his dad.

We went geocaching yesterday. The app is on my phone, in my hand. He asks his dad where the next one is etc.

His mother openly refers to me as a fucking bitch. Tbh I'm done. They win. My partner has just told me to grow up infront of him for me asking him if he can hear me when he's ignored me ALL weekend.

We've had a massive row and I'm done. I don't want to be in my own house when he's here. He's 7 and runs rings round his dad and I'm done.

OP posts:
bluebird3 · 07/03/2022 19:21

I think you will have to think in terms of long and short term outcomes. You are 24w pregnant - you don't have enough money to leave.

Short term - try to avoid ss and conflict as much as possible. Just keep your head down and focus on your kids and baby. Seek out couples counselling if your partner would agree. Look at the family budget. See if there are areas to cut back and add savings.

Long term - get a full time paid job, maybe when baby is 6m? Split childcare costs. Save enough to get a flat for you and the kids. Move out and apply for all government assistance you can.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 19:24

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Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/03/2022 19:28

Ah yes @Gonnagetgoing just because you don't buy it op must be lying Hmm

Op I don't know what to suggest. I do think you should leave, because you'd be happier, or ask him to leave. But I know finances are hard. I wish I had better advice Flowers

sadpapercourtesan · 07/03/2022 19:33

How bloody horrible to breate the OP for being pregnant Shock

She's married, pregnancy happens. Contraception isn't foolproof. Not everybody feels able to have a termination, and NO woman should ever feel pressure to do so (especially not from randoms on MN). Feelings aren't necessarily linear either. Life is messy.

OP I don't have much sensible advice for you, other than that you are not the dysfunctional one here and there is nothing illogical about how you are feeling. You're being treated like crap by everyone in this family. Sad

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 20:06

I've written everything out and sent it to him. He's apologised. I've told him
I'm
Scared of him. Think he's now hiding from me. My children are all in bed. I'm showering and going to bed too - going to sleep with my youngest.

Thank you to those who've been supporting. I know this is a toxic shit show. Hilariously we look so well put together from the outside. Nice house. Jobs. All looks perfect.

OP posts:
ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 20:07

I haven’t read the thread but after reading only a few posts it’s so sad there are so many stories out there like this. I had the same from my SD. She behaved exactly as you describe, ignored me in my own home, asked questions to her dad about things I was doing, whispered all the time, it was a misery of a life when she was around. You can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t lived it. It sounds minor and insignificant but she made me utterly hate my life and so anxious I’d rather sit in my car for hours than go home.
I thought at one stage she had special needs, but it was confirmed she’s just a rude, bad mannered bully.

I made some dramatic life choices but I honestly couldn’t be happier. DH and I are so much better and I rarely have to see her. The few occasions when I do are getting less and less. I was fortunate that I had choices and could leave whilst still retaining my relationship with DH. Pretty unique situation but had I had to stay I think she would have broken us. She’s still trying but I stay well clear and can see very clearly what she’s doing even if her doting father can’t.

I can guarantee your situation will never get better. I’m sorry. If I had my life again I would never in a million years go into a relationship with a man with kids. I did though and have the mental scars to prove it. His children are now adults and I stay away, it’s not perfect but it’s better.

Good luck to OP and all who are living it.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 20:12

Omg @ProfFloss whilst there's so much else to add to my current drama YES what you've written is absolutely it. I do go the long way home, I avoid being here as much as possible when he's here. Signing my kids up to clubs on a Friday night, working extra etc which causes tension with DP but I'd rather that than be here.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 20:20

@sadpapercourtesan

How bloody horrible to breate the OP for being pregnant Shock

She's married, pregnancy happens. Contraception isn't foolproof. Not everybody feels able to have a termination, and NO woman should ever feel pressure to do so (especially not from randoms on MN). Feelings aren't necessarily linear either. Life is messy.

OP I don't have much sensible advice for you, other than that you are not the dysfunctional one here and there is nothing illogical about how you are feeling. You're being treated like crap by everyone in this family. Sad

@sadpapercourtesan - actually she’s not married because if she was she’d have a claim on half the house.

Her stepson has been nasty to her for ages as well as her husband so to fall pregnant to me is a bit unwise. If you then want to leave.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 20:27

Well looks like OP is married so if so just get a divorce and house is sold and buy a flat or whatever for herself and the 2 DC. (1 not yet born).

ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 20:32

@nadgersbadgers

Omg *@ProfFloss* whilst there's so much else to add to my current drama YES what you've written is absolutely it. I do go the long way home, I avoid being here as much as possible when he's here. Signing my kids up to clubs on a Friday night, working extra etc which causes tension with DP but I'd rather that than be here.
When you’ve lived it you know. There are layers and layers to it, it starts off as a minor irritation you think will pass, you thinks it’s you. It builds, I would do anything to get away from her. My birthday one year fell on her visiting day, I worked as late as possible and sat in my car afterwards until I knew she’d be in bed. The next morning I was up and out to work before she got up. It was a regular occurrence. I put up with it for six years before I couldn’t anymore. There’s layers upon layers of the passive aggressive hatred she showed me. Only being perfect in her daddy’s eyes. Never showing the real nasty when he was around. He never saw it, still doesn’t. As you can probably tell I’m not over it, never will be but we’ve found a solution that works for us. I’m not in the same position as you are, I feel for you as I know if I had my own kids I wouldn’t have been able to stay as long as I did. Please message me privately if you think I can help at all.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/03/2022 20:35

@Gonnagetgoing

Well looks like OP is married so if so just get a divorce and house is sold and buy a flat or whatever for herself and the 2 DC. (1 not yet born).
Ah yes, it's that simple!
ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 20:40

To add salt to the wound, MN is very anti step mum with a majority of posters not having the first clue about how difficult it is. Most step mums, myself included enter into a relationship with a man with kids without ever understanding how difficult it will be. Had I known I would have turned the other way no matter how great we were as a couple. The red flags were there at the start I just chose to ignore them.
Give the step mother a break! Please!

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 20:41

@ProfFloss i could list the physical events. But it's the smirking at me behind his dads back that makes me leave the house V quickly

He's smashed my iPad
Keyed my car with a stone
Painted on my car with nail varnish
Painted my Dcs teddies and beds
Soaked my toddler when he was a baby causing him to be hypothermic. I'd forgotten that one. DP was "looking after" them at the time.
Let the toddler out to the street
Taken and lost / hidden irreplaceable jewlery of mine
Shown his mother the contents of my bedside draws on face time when asked to by her
Swears at me
Wipes his nose on my things
Did a shit in the laundry basket before he left for school once
But worst of all. It's the constant ignoring and him never ever ever being held accountable or having a consequence for any of it. Which I know is a DP problem. This didn't happen over night. He used to really love me and cuddle me. Now he won't eat a bowl of cereal if I've poured it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 20:44

And I've engaged with DP over counselling and I Looked into hiring a super nanny type person etc. None of it ever got taken any further. He considered it all unnecessary.

OP posts:
ProfFloss · 07/03/2022 20:50

Oh my! That is horrific he actually sounds like a sociopath in the making!
The smirking behind dad’s back, so much of this. The little knowing sideways glance.
I never trusted her in the house alone, I forbade DH left her there alone. I dread to think what went on I didn’t know about.
She fed her mother the most awful lies about us, which mum loved.
We bought her an iPad that she smashed up, like several iPhones. My reaction was that she got nothing from me as she couldn’t look after it. I am a generous person and I would have been kind and caring had I had an ounce of kindness returned.
I’m so sorry but for your own childrens sake can you afford to be around him?

grapewines · 07/03/2022 21:29

All of it is awful and completely unacceptable, but this

Soaked my toddler when he was a baby causing him to be hypothermic. I'd forgotten that one. DP was "looking after" them at the time

is shocking.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 21:32

@grapewines it was truly awful. I came home to find SS with a hose - backed my 1. Yr old into the corner of garden. Early January - 1 yr old in a vest, SS in boots, coat, hat etc.

Took 2 hours of him dry in bed skin to skin with me to get a reading on a thermometer of 34

I won't ever forgive him for shit like that.

OP posts:
grapewines · 07/03/2022 21:37

Took 2 hours of him dry in bed skin to skin with me to get a reading on a thermometer of 34

What did DP have to say to that?

gogohm · 07/03/2022 21:38

Crazy, though they were £1000 prepandemic for the large luxury ones.

I paid £520 last summer in Scotland but it was a small private site with no facilities - nice pub down the road, golf, tennis and a loch you could swim in

LightSpeeds · 07/03/2022 21:47

Gosh, I was really shocked when you said he was only 7!!!

He's a major problem that will only get worse. Your partner is totally enabling him and disrespecting you so you can't expect any support from him.

Which ultimately means what sort of relationship are you in? I think you need to make plans to go it alone.

LightSpeeds · 07/03/2022 21:50

Just read your update on your SS's behaviour. You are being far too 'nice' and accommodating and are being taken for a mug.

I always say 'You get what you put up with."

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/03/2022 22:03

[quote nadgersbadgers]@ProfFloss i could list the physical events. But it's the smirking at me behind his dads back that makes me leave the house V quickly

He's smashed my iPad
Keyed my car with a stone
Painted on my car with nail varnish
Painted my Dcs teddies and beds
Soaked my toddler when he was a baby causing him to be hypothermic. I'd forgotten that one. DP was "looking after" them at the time.
Let the toddler out to the street
Taken and lost / hidden irreplaceable jewlery of mine
Shown his mother the contents of my bedside draws on face time when asked to by her
Swears at me
Wipes his nose on my things
Did a shit in the laundry basket before he left for school once
But worst of all. It's the constant ignoring and him never ever ever being held accountable or having a consequence for any of it. Which I know is a DP problem. This didn't happen over night. He used to really love me and cuddle me. Now he won't eat a bowl of cereal if I've poured it out. [/quote]
Can you show that list to your health visitor and/or doctor?

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 22:07

@grapewines some minimising bullshit. At the time though they were "having a water fight"

It was only after when I went absolutely mental at him being such a lacking parent did he try and justify that it got out of hand etc. But primarily he never really acknowledged that it was a massive error on his part and how dangerous it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 22:08

@SpaceshiptoMars what's the point? I've listened in to parents evenings. He's an exemplar student who's always well behaved. No one would believe me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/03/2022 22:11

How old are your older DC can you leave via a refuge?

Speak to WA about his negligent parenting and risk he poses to your DC.