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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Step son doesn't speak to me at all

164 replies

nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 13:22

4 years on.

We did have a good relationship.

He ignores me. Constantly.

I get up with the kids offer him breakfast he ignores me. I'll offer all kids a drink and he ignores me, then asks his dad.

We went geocaching yesterday. The app is on my phone, in my hand. He asks his dad where the next one is etc.

His mother openly refers to me as a fucking bitch. Tbh I'm done. They win. My partner has just told me to grow up infront of him for me asking him if he can hear me when he's ignored me ALL weekend.

We've had a massive row and I'm done. I don't want to be in my own house when he's here. He's 7 and runs rings round his dad and I'm done.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/03/2022 14:21

How pregnant are you?

How many other kids are there?

What do you want the future to look like?

Would the same shared parenting arrangement work for your shared kids?

Where would you like to live?

What other support to you have?

turnaroundtime · 06/03/2022 14:26

Looks like your DH is going to have 2 more dc from a broken home to father. Sorry OP. He sounds shit

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 14:27

@Wallywobbles 20 weeks, 4 older DC (one shared with DP). We have a mortgage. I've got no savings. I'm half self employed (wfh) and half employed 24 hrs per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 14:28

@Wallywobbles also no other real support. His parents. But he can do no wrong.

My own parents are shit.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/03/2022 14:34

Ok well at least you know where you stand. And it must look like a mountain. 5 kids and working plus one on the way is a scary place and knackering.

So in your shoes I'd get some legal advice for starters but take as much info as possible.

Not married makes things simpler.

Can either of you afford to buy the other one out of the mortgage?

Where would you like to live?

Id be looking for some shared parenting where if at all possible you get a total break from all kids.

What are you entitled to in terms of government help? Etc

I think you need to know where you stand financially first.

Good luck.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/03/2022 14:36

Why on earth would you get pregnant by a man who hasn't got your back?! Financial independence is a must for women

Louisa4987 · 06/03/2022 14:37

I could have written a lot of that myself about my own SC so massively sympathiseSad

It doesn't get any better unfortunately, my SC just got older and adding hormones into the mix just made the situation worse and worse. They had been poisoned by their mother and told they didn't have to speak to me so they didn't. Youngest SC is a rude bad mannered little boy who won't even look at me so I just stay out of his way and avoid at all costs. Eldest SC doesn't visit anymore and it was the biggest relief ever not having to have him in my home anymore to be honest. I don't blame the children as such as it's their parents that made them this way, but they ARE unfortunately very unpleasant children.

I don't have any advice other than to distance yourself as much as possible for your own sanity. Don't ever allow yourself to be left alone with him, don't do things for him, all cooking and household jobs need to be for his dad to do!

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 14:37

OP, if the situation has become intolerable for you, then you no longer have to tolerate it. If life is going to be better for your children by your moving out, then that is what you should do.

The dad cannot make the 7 year old like you,but he can insist that the child be responsive and polite. You too could help the situation by not trying to engage the child anymore than is absolutely necessary. There can't be too much of a need to engage the child when his father is there and can handle most of the communication.

Leaving will meet your needs; your son/s will continue to have to spend time with their dad and brother.

Do what is best for you. If a largely non -communicative 7 year old is causing such anxiety in your life, it is best that you restructure your environment. That is the only control that you have. You can't fix the child, and your partner does not seem to experience the situation in the same way that you do.

Theunamedcat · 06/03/2022 14:38

You need to sort your finances this week

Your not fucked you are working which is a better start than some

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 14:39

I can't buy him out
I don't want to leave my home. I also have no where to go with my DC

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2022 14:42

What are you going to do?

You know you can’t stay, your partner is a shit parent and a shit partner.

Look into benefits as a single parent tonight. Start making your plan to leave. Does your older DC’s dad pay maintenance?

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 14:44

@AnneLovesGilbert yes he does pay, minimal but does pay as we have nearly 50/50 shared care

OP posts:
Really18 · 06/03/2022 14:50

Your OH is the problem. The child is just a child who is being able to behave badly. Your OH needs to parent and discipline him otherwise you need to end the relationship.

femfemlicious · 06/03/2022 14:52

Why on earth get pregnant again to a man you are not married to in a relationship that is shaky when you already have 4 children. You have put your self in a terrible position.

You cant really leave...you need to stop talking to the child and just leave him alone.

Photolass · 06/03/2022 14:57

I really couldn't put up with that kind of treatment from a seven year old.
After four years, you would be better leaving the son and his dad to it. The dad is clearly not interested in improving his son's behaviour, and it will only get worse as he gets older.

Gonnagetgoing · 06/03/2022 14:57

In this situation I’d be having a conversation with DP and saying you want family therapy before you decide on your next move because you can’t live like this. If he says no make plans to leave.

And yes it was downright stupid to get pregnant unless you thought it’d magically resolve things.

Gonnagetgoing · 06/03/2022 14:59

@Photolass

I really couldn't put up with that kind of treatment from a seven year old. After four years, you would be better leaving the son and his dad to it. The dad is clearly not interested in improving his son's behaviour, and it will only get worse as he gets older.
@Photolass - she can’t leave as she has no savings and can’t buy her DP out.

Maybe try housing associations.

ittakes2 · 06/03/2022 15:04

He's got the power and he likes it. You know you have a DH problem - he should be insisting on polite behaviour.
Sorry but I would calmly ignore him ie If you offer food / drink make it general so it includes everyone and he has a choice of whether to speak up or not. Make food for him but avoid eye contact.
He is currently getting negative attention from you - attention is attention. Ignore him and he loses his power. He might change his tone if he sees what it feels like.

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 15:06

OP, it might be helpful if you looked at what you and the 7 year old have in common. You don't want to leave your house; he probably does not enjoy coming to your house. It might not be very pleasant to have to spend time with his dad in a house filled with other children most of whom are not related to him.

Both of you may find this situation very frustrating. You have 5 children in the house at times, do you really care if 1 of them is silent? If the 7 year old is only there on alternating weekends, why not just disengage.

Tbh , I would doubt that the 7 year old enjoys sharing his dad time with so many other children. If this is an unpleasant situation for you, it is probably equally unpleasant for him.

Is it possible that the house can be refinanced so that your partner can by you out. If you have purchased the house in the last few years , you may not have any real equity accrued. In the first several years of a mortgage , you are generally just making interest payments and not reducing the principle at all.

Obviously, you are in a financial bind, but then your choice becomes can you live with a non-communicative 7 year old or would you prefer becoming a financially self sufficient adult? The latter choice might be difficult for a few years, but would get you out of the current situation that you are finding so intolerable.

Life does not always provide easy choices.

Prinnny · 06/03/2022 15:35

Wow what a mess. I would ignore the little brat, don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you rattled. I’d be doing no childcare, no pick ups, no cooking, no cleaning of his rooms/things and I would challenge DP on why he’d allowing his son to disrespect me every single time it happens whilst making an escape plan.

Original poster
nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 15:44

I've tried disengagement
I've suggested to DP we change arrangements so children not here together so his son gets his dad to himself. He said no.
I've tried being Mary poppins.
I've tired ignoring and the generalised "does any one want a drink"

However I step in when he's teaching my son stupid nasty songs, or this morning when he wiped his nose on our brand new car seat.

The argument kicked off today because he was doing his homework and I offered to help when he asked his dad for help - I was completely ignored. I saw red and I've had enough.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 06/03/2022 16:18

Oh, OP. Am sending a distinctly unmumsnetty hug. Another inadequate dad who is not up to the task. It’s not on you. Not at all. You’ve done enough.

Can you go stay with a friend this week for a couple of nights and just get your head straight? This stuff honestly makes you think you’re going totally batshit crazy. You need some clarity about next steps.

I hope there is someone IRL you can call upon. And that your OH can discuss this in a semi adult manner even if he cannot do so re: the overall dynamic.

Flowers
Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 16:20

OP, so you make the point that your partner is a lousy dad and an indifferent partner. So, both you and the son drew the short straws.

The child can't get a different dad, but you can change your partner. You are upset with the child, but your partner is the jerk in this situation. The child's reaction to your offer of help was very predictable. He asked his dad for help. After not speaking to you for 18+ months, did you really believe that he wanted your help?

Again, both you and the son are in an unpleasant situation. You unlike the son are the one with options. Your financial situation is unfortunate, but with some major inconvenience you can probably manage. The son can do absolutely nothing to change his situation; he cannot leave, disengage, or divorce his dad.

The ball is in your court.

sadpapercourtesan · 06/03/2022 16:23

Your partner is a dick, I'd be furious that he spoke to you like that in front of the children. What the hell is he playing at?

I can't feel anything but sorry for the little boy, he's 7 and his mother is filling his ears with how much she hates you. He'll have that awful divided loyalty feeling if he gets on well with you - I bet she interrogates him after every visit.

This is a shit parenting problem, on the part of both parents. Even if you were a "fucking bitch", his mother shouldn't be ranting about it around him - it's not fair on him. His father should be trying to facilitate better relationships and create a family culture where everyone is respectful - he's doing the opposite.

I'd honestly be considering leaving in your shoes. You can't build a relationship with this child when your own partner is working against you. And you shouldn't have to put up with permanent hostility.

Scooby5kids · 06/03/2022 16:31

I don't think the child can be held responsible here, he's 7, he's a little kid. It's his dads fault for not backing you up and for undermining you in front of his son and the way he spoke to you is disgusting