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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son doesn't speak to me at all

164 replies

nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 13:22

4 years on.

We did have a good relationship.

He ignores me. Constantly.

I get up with the kids offer him breakfast he ignores me. I'll offer all kids a drink and he ignores me, then asks his dad.

We went geocaching yesterday. The app is on my phone, in my hand. He asks his dad where the next one is etc.

His mother openly refers to me as a fucking bitch. Tbh I'm done. They win. My partner has just told me to grow up infront of him for me asking him if he can hear me when he's ignored me ALL weekend.

We've had a massive row and I'm done. I don't want to be in my own house when he's here. He's 7 and runs rings round his dad and I'm done.

OP posts:

Lunificent · 06/03/2022 16:36

Sounds mainly like a problem with your partner. I don’t think you can be happy in this situation.
Although it’s going to be very financially difficult to extricate yourself from this situation, I think you should start planning too leave. Your partner doesn’t have your back

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 06/03/2022 16:44

OP I was in similar situation with DPs DD. Except DP would pull her up on it most of the time (not that it made any difference)

Unpopular opinion but I basically backed off, didn't do a thing with them or for them. Would do my own thing or book things without feeling guilty etc. 8 years on and we get on much better now, I thought it would get worse approaching teenage years but it seems to be the opposite.

I appreciate its not easy to disengage but it can be done. There was no expectation from me though so it didn't cause rows. I told DP that I'm backing off and he accepted it. Worked for us.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 16:51

I wonder if you can sell your share of the house to an absent landlord? Someone who wants it as an investment. Legally, though, you can force the sale.

Original poster

nadgersbadgers · 06/03/2022 19:40

Tense afternoon.

I've not felt well at all - got back from my walk and he cuddled me and asked if I was sad or angry. Said both. That was the end of that.

Hes clearly had a chat with SS as he's spoken to me a couple of times but there's been no apology from DP or suggestion that we could chat later / sort things out.

He's being his usual selfish cuntish self. I'm so done.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 19:48

Nadgers, it is pretty common in stepparenting situations for it all to come to an almighty head. Ultimatums fly, and then it depends if your DP actually loves and needs you. If he does, he will step up and parent his children to show you respect. If you are just a convenience, he won't and this is when it ends.

So - woman up and tell him what you need for the relationship to continue. (Hint. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.)

BadNomad · 06/03/2022 21:40

18 months is a long time to put up with this. With an openly nasty mother and a useless father DSS isn't going to change. He doesn't stand a chance really. Neither do you. You're going to have to think of yourself and your own children.

Jellyfishjean · 06/03/2022 22:25

He's only seven. It's horrible for him coming to terms with a step parent he never asked for and similarly, half siblings. I think you have to cut him some slack. My child is 7 and I would shudder to think of them in this scenario. Either way, you just have to put up with it. Either stay and lump it or leave.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 22:30

Either way, you just have to put up with it. Either stay and lump it or leave.

No she doesn't. What she does need to do is make a noise. Decide what she wants and not take no for an answer. Stepmother is not another word for doormat.

HailAdrian · 06/03/2022 22:36

I do feel for this little boy who has been basically told he hates you, by the sounds of it. But yeah, I'd leave if your partner is refusing to sort it out, what a silly twat he is.

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 22:46

Imagine being just 7 years old and being expected to live in a house filled with step siblings and half siblings . it is hard enough to adjust to living with people to whom you are related but now you are surrounded by several children to whom you are not related and an increasing number to whom you have a half sibling relationship. The half siblings get to live with your dad on a full time basis. It may just be too complicated an arrangement with too many people and moving parts for a 7 year old child to adjust easily.

If the 7 year old is a child who enjoys consistency and possibly quiet this just may not be a good environmental fit for him.

The OP is obviously unhappy, and it may be more than the 7 year old contributing to her unhappiness.

The entire situation seems to be stressful for at least 2 members of this household.

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 23:00

@SpaceshiptoMars
I would imagine in a house with 5 soon to be 6 children that noise is the one commodity of which there is plenty.

You can't shout or loudly demand a positive relationship or arrangement into existence. If the parties and the situation do not mesh the OP's demands and insistence will not make it so.

I would imagine that over the past 18 months she has not been particularly silent about her feelings.

At some point, you just have to recognize that some arrangements and some groupings do not lend themselves to or lead to positive outcomes.

No amount of pounding will make a square peg fit into a round hole without a significant amount of damage being done.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/03/2022 23:07

I would imagine in a house with 5 soon to be 6 children that noise is the one commodity of which there is plenty.

Oh, I agree with you. But in this situation, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

cdba88 · 06/03/2022 23:19

Sounds absolutely miserable.
What's your plan?

Original poster

nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 07:22

Yes either way what ever the situation isn't working for him (SS) and me.

I don't feel I'm able to change that situation other than leave / drastically alter arrangements so we aren't around together.

DP will completely turn at this. He wants to take our toddler son to his parents house to spend time with his other children and I can't allow it. Their influence is nasty and our soon always gets hurt and DP doesn't look after him properly just leaves his stupid mother to do all the parenting. It's the same argument we have always had. I'm stuck.

I had a V nice time with my Dc yesterday afternoon (funny DP made no attempt to take our son when he went out with his DC as he can't be arsed with parenting him when it doesn't suit).

Lots of things have crept in my mind in last 24 hours that have made some massive alarm bells ring in my head.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 07/03/2022 08:00

You’re not asking for much. Civility in your own home and support from your DP is really not a lot. I don’t think I’d have lasted 4 weeks in this situation, let alone 4 years.

I’m guessing you’ve already talked seriously with your DP about all this? Is it worth one last try?

If he doesn’t want to change things then I’d ask him to move out (to his loyal parents) while you make arrangements to separate.

Original poster

nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 08:04

@MeridianB I have got to this breaking point before and asked him if no other option then can he leave while we sort stuff or take his son there at weekends as I don't want him here and he's refused. It goes along the lines of no this is their home and if they can't come here then we will call estate agents in the morning and put the house on the market. Then he won't engage with any further conversation.

This has been a cycle for a few months.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 07/03/2022 08:09

How many children are involved in this mess op you have 4 one together and another on the way how many does your dp have. It sounds very high conflict the new additional children will have not likely helped if there's already so many children to begin with especially if there's different parenting styles. Is there enough room for the dc? It sounds very toxic relationship op.

MeridianB · 07/03/2022 08:17

So he’s completely blocked your attempts to resolve, already. He sounds cold as ice.

I would see a solicitor as a priority. Once you know your rights and options, you can call the estate agent yourself.

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 08:21

What’s the backstory here? Because while on the face of it from your first post it sounded as if this the DP refused to discipline the DS and took it out on you which seemed unfair, the more you write, the more it seems that this was a disfunctional family already and you knowingly became involved in it and have knowingly brought more children into it.

So you have (or will have) at least 5 children between you, except you talk about your dp’s “other children” who he presumably sees with his parents. Why is this? Does he have supervised access only?

So you have 5 children by.2 fathers, and he has several children by several mothers.

I agree you need to leave, but tbh you are a part of and have contributed to this disfunctional mess.

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:23

I recall you from another thread

You have FIVE children with this man

Why Op? Why?

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:23

You have continued to being children in to a truly awful environment

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:25

* Basically DP and I both divorced. Kids from previous. We got pregnant really quickly, He tried to fuck his ex when I was pregnant before - (made a move on her more than once) I only found out once our child was born. I asked him to leave. He refused. We've gone through a cycle of this, *

Takeitonthechin · 07/03/2022 08:32

I'm afraid your husband is in the wrong here, he needs to remind his son to treat you with respect and if the SSdoesnt, he needs to be told he won't be coming on family days out.
DH ex isn't helping and this behaviour infront of her son is disgusting... she needs to grow up, she's obviously jealous.
If all else fails, tell him either he goes or you are.

harriethoyle · 07/03/2022 08:40

Having advanced searched the OP @Landedonfeet you should also have noticed she's been referred to the perinatal mental health team and is clearly struggling. Try having a bit of compassion for someone in a bind.

Original poster

nadgersbadgers · 07/03/2022 08:49

Yes well searched. I'm basically falling apart.

OP posts:

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